I’m trying to leave permanently but I’m having troubles letting go.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I go through that letting go feeling every day.

Then if you try and understand what happened and the person, (the why) it gets confusing.

Painful

Because we are not supposed to think within their mind "space".  They are ill. 

They gave us someone who we could fall in love with and relate to. 

I feel parts of what my ex showed me as her authentic self, I saw as lost.  I could see her searching for herself sometimes.

Under that is a lot of anger and frustration.   Because we can't relate to them.  They feel like they are wrong, because they are.  Their logic is wrong, and they mostly live in a lie and distortion.   Never trusting themselves or anyone else.

It's a very sad situation and there are no winners.

Who do you want to "save"?   You can't save him, and it isn't your role to do that.

You can't have a relationship because you feel obligation and guilt.

Only he can save himself and it sounds like he is sitting in full denial.   Unless he can take accountability without it killing his core, nothing will change.   Even if he got to that stage where he started to have any insight.  I think it takes one incredible person with BPD to actually make a difference in their own lives and for themselves.   I don't think many of them actually have that kind of drive inside them to do it.   Even if they do and I have spoken to one BPD person who I think does, they can easily get lost in their distortions again.   To hear someone say they are playing a role, and they don't care about anyone, or feel anything for anyone is unknown and sad to me.  This person had little kids. I asked her if she actually believed what she was saying about herself.  I asked her is it true that she feels nothing for anyone. She said she spends all time picking up the fragments of who she is.  Every day they shatter and every day she picks them up and reassembles herself. 

I don't know if I am allowed to post this.  If moderators want to remove it, that is ok.

It's about guilt.  I think it is worth a listen. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfR9zHVOgVk

I know my love is real,  I know I have empathy not because I am codependent because that is who I am.  I refuse to allow others to label me.  But that isn't to say there wasn't some enabling happening because I knew there was, and I knew it was an enmeshment early on.  I knew she wasn't growing.  I knew I have issues as well that I was dealing with and I could only grow so far with her and the continuation of growth can't happen with her. 

You can miss him, or parts of what you had, you can feel love, you can grieve, you can feel the loss, you can feel empathy for this person you were married to.

They are your rights as a human.   

It's also your right to say, close up this person hurts me, and it can't be allowed. 

Our emotions are very complex, and the juxtaposition of love and hurt is very confusing.

I think it's our objective to untangle it all very gently and finally get some peace.

Allow yourself that. 

If you fall speak up.   That is ok as well. 





 



 

[Kashi]

I go through that letting go feeling every day.

Then if you try and understand what happened and the person, (the why) it gets confusing.

Painful

Because we are not supposed to think within their mind "space".  They are ill. 

They gave us someone who we could fall in love with and relate to. 

I feel parts of what my ex showed me as her authentic self, I saw as lost.  I could see her searching for herself sometimes.

Under that is a lot of anger and frustration.   Because we can't relate to them.  They feel like they are wrong, because they are.  Their logic is wrong, and they mostly live in a lie and distortion.   Never trusting themselves or anyone else.

It's a very sad situation and there are no winners.

Who do you want to "save"?   You can't save him, and it isn't your role to do that.

You can't have a relationship because you feel obligation and guilt.

Only he can save himself and it sounds like he is sitting in full denial.   Unless he can take accountability without it killing his core, nothing will change.   Even if he got to that stage where he started to have any insight.  I think it takes one incredible person with BPD to actually make a difference in their own lives and for themselves.   I don't think many of them actually have that kind of drive inside them to do it.   Even if they do and I have spoken to one BPD person who I think does, they can easily get lost in their distortions again.   To hear someone say they are playing a role, and they don't care about anyone, or feel anything for anyone is unknown and sad to me.  This person had little kids. I asked her if she actually believed what she was saying about herself.  I asked her is it true that she feels nothing for anyone. She said she spends all time picking up the fragments of who she is.  Every day they shatter and every day she picks them up and reassembles herself. 

I don't know if I am allowed to post this.  If moderators want to remove it, that is ok.

It's about guilt.  I think it is worth a listen. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfR9zHVOgVk

I know my love is real,  I know I have empathy not because I am codependent because that is who I am.  I refuse to allow others to label me.  But that isn't to say there wasn't some enabling happening because I knew there was, and I knew it was an enmeshment early on.  I knew she wasn't growing.  I knew I have issues as well that I was dealing with and I could only grow so far with her and the continuation of growth can't happen with her. 

You can miss him, or parts of what you had, you can feel love, you can grieve, you can feel the loss, you can feel empathy for this person you were married to.

They are your rights as a human.   

It's also your right to say, close up this person hurts me, and it can't be allowed. 

Our emotions are very complex, and the juxtaposition of love and hurt is very confusing.

I think it's our objective to untangle it all very gently and finally get some peace.

Allow yourself that. 

If you fall speak up.   That is ok as well. 





 



 

[Sakura08]

I don’t want to save him. Yes I do regress when I feel like he baits me. It’s so extreme, I love you and I want only you but I got a girl pregnant and we live together. Like why and how. I actively stay away because it’s heartbreaking to hear. But he just doesn’t stop with the extremes. Being in denial telling me that we will come back together eventually.
I don’t want to go through that. And I can’t take anymore of it being all my fault. Is this called splitting?

[SinisterComplex]

At this point as well, I just want to be alone. I’m an introvert and I love my own company. I love my silence and thoughts that are my own. I enjoyed life quietly and went on adventures alone. Before this, I knew who I was and I worked hard to go from surviving to thriving. I don’t get why this break up is so volatile. So hot and cold. I’m usually calm and level headed. And now I have to tell myself that he didn’t choose me. Which sends me into a depression and I go through stages of grief, even though it’s been a year, it still is taking time.

So I can certainly understand...contrary to popular belief, but I am the furthest thing from being an extrovert. I am a rather dominant introvert. I walk my own path and do my own thing. I am very empathetic, but not very sympathetic. I don't need much social interaction to have my needs filled or quota filled. I am one of those people who could peacefully live on their own island and thrive. However, consequently due to my very strong confidence and always seeking out a challenge and being a project/task master it naturally draws people to me. LOL.

Now why do I tell you this? To understand this important point..."And now I have to tell myself that he didn’t choose me." - This kind of thing is particularly hard for introverts. Why? It makes us question our judgment. We lose that confidence that we are powerful on our own and now a mistake has happened and now we are just like everyone else, which for introvert is a tough pill to swallow. Introverts tend to have stronger or bigger egos actually. Typically the reason for that is the stronger sense of self and identity and overall self-awareness. Remember as an introvert you are very methodical and were probably thinking about things long before they happened and even mapping out how things would go or could go. We know we are different and we wear it with a badge of honor.

Now after explaining this...take the time to understand the only way to get over the hurt is to let go of the idea that you were not chosen and you were discarded. Actually, let go of the notion that you let someone else have that power over you...that is hard part...you let that happen. It's okay though...this probably won't be the last time you get hurt by something. You still have to be vulnerable, but realize that when you get hurt it's not the end of the world. S happens! Lean into your introvert powers and take the approach of its a them thing not a YOU thing. Do not put that pressure on yourself. Instead be more nonchalant about it and find a new challenge or passion or something else that fascinates you. You are ahead of the game and curve because as introvert you know how to please yourself and make yourself happy...that is what matters!

Also...no more past tense. Change your thought process from I was and I enjoyed to I am and I do enjoy. The core of YOU still remains and needs to stay in the present. You are still YOU and can still be who YOU want to be...no one gets to dictate that but you. You are responsible for your own happiness and you are in control of your own happiness.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Sakura08]

That’s true, everything that you wrote was very true. I only ever wanted him to consider and try to live in the same town with me. Together, but that never happened. And now he’s trying to tell me that he’s moving to the same town as me with his girlfriend because he loves me.
I am really trying to heal and stop hurting. Move on and take my life back. This hurts in ways that make me furious.

[Sakura08]

Can anyone explain how this is supposed to make me feel better? He tells it to me to say that he wants to be with me and that he still loves me. But is moving here with someone else? I don’t understand and I just want him out of my life now. Because I can’t take this

[SinisterComplex]

Can anyone explain how this is supposed to make me feel better? He tells it to me to say that he wants to be with me and that he still loves me. But is moving here with someone else? I don’t understand and I just want him out of my life now. Because I can’t take this

I would personally go zero contact. You cannot heal with any contact. There has to be a long enough period of no contact for you to process things. Now that doesn't mean that is forever, but it could be depending on if you care to have to any contact at a later time.

Your focus is now on you and YOU alone. No more about what he is doing or what he is saying to you, etc. No, blocked. No contact. Do not leave the door open or you will not heal and will be stuck in perpetual torment.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Kashi]

I can't explain it for you.  I don't have the skills.

I can tell you that my ex thinks the same way.

She thought that we would get back together some day.   She just offered out of the blue to get back together.  It was like an offer of "oh well we may as well be together".   Wasn't a heartfelt proposal.

This is long after I said I would support her in seeking help and she said no.  Multiple times. 

Which is fine, that is up to her but then to expect that I will be waiting for her after she tries out a few more relationships and fails.

She also said I was not able to reject her 

You show them love, loyalty, kindness, excitement, care, passion and they interpret in their own way. 

Not in the way it was intended.   

If they just owned the mess in their head, it might be a doable relationship.   You actually might be able to communicate with them.   But when the person can't tolerate my damage to their inner core,  no matter how minor that is,  then there is nothing you can do.

My ex has a list of stuff I did.   This was one.   I said sorry that we argued (we hardly ever did) BUT I did not say sorry that I was wrong.  I didn't own the whole thing.   It is that kind of stuff that does your head in after a while, makes you frustrated, sets up the no win situations. 

ONCE that happened ONCE

The deal there is I have to take the blame, if I don't take the blame then that makes her feel bad, and in her head that is my fault.

No blame on you then they have to feel what it like to be wrong, own their actions, feel the embarrassment, shame, guilt. 

All those horrible emotions everyone else has to process and has the skills to. 

Let's face it even so-called normal people try and avoid it and lie to themselves and others.   Don't want to take responsibility.

There is a sliding scale of values in normal people, willingness to be wrong, be accountable, not be selfish.

Well that sliding scale is off the planet with BPD. 

 I think the inability to see what their actions have resulted in, is part of the denial of the situation with you.

They are deluding themselves to push away the hurt.

That I think is why they can just pick it up again like nothing has happened. 

They have suppressed it.   Well their part in it and they expect you will take on that part for them and when you don't then that is proof you don't love them.

I guess by speaking to them you are inviting them to think that you are available in a way they need. 

Especially if you are discussions of how they love you and/or how you love them

I tell my ex that I care about her, that I love her, that the important thing is she is safe, and I am, and that isn't together.  There is too much hurt to fix it.  She seems to accept that now.

I think the kindest thing is to deliver a simple message and say you can't be contact because it hurts you and him.  You don't want to hurt him and he needs to live his life and so do you.

To do that is to yank your heart away and that hurts like nothing else. 

Who is hanging on to who? 

[Sakura08]

Thank you, I will do this. I block but I get spam accounts and emails. I will keep blocking and not taking the bait anymore.

[yellowbutterfly]

Change your number/email and hibernate or get rid of your old one until he stops contacting you.

As SC said...

I would personally go zero contact. You cannot heal with any contact. There has to be a long enough period of no contact for you to process things. Now that doesn't mean that is forever, but it could be depending on if you care to have to any contact at a later time.

Your focus is now on you and YOU alone. No more about what he is doing or what he is saying to you, etc. No, blocked. No contact. Do not leave the door open or you will not heal and will be stuck in perpetual torment.

You will start to heal and feel better with NC. I've done it. You got this.

[Kashi]

I changed my phone number, I deleted all my social media accounts. 

I deleted all my email addresses.

That was for my benefit as well as hers.   I didn't trust in a moment of weakness I wouldn't contact her.

She knows where I live and work, but I don't think she will use those avenues.

I told her what I was going to do.  I didn't just ghost her.  I was open about it. 

It hurts

I realise in my conversations I refer to my own experiences quite a bit.  I am doing that to tell you a story and in that story you might realise we all lived similar experiences.  That by telling those stories we don't need to be silent or complicit. By telling your story perhaps you can create a connection, so people know they are not alone. 

Speaking to you is for my healing as well as yours. 

Thankyou for your story and expressing how you feel. 

I'm with Yellowbutterfly.... I think you got this. 

It's good to hear others have gone no contact and started to heal. 

[Pook075]

Can anyone explain how this is supposed to make me feel better?

He's saying it and doing it to make himself feel better.  And maybe he hopes to cheat on the other girl with you, to destroy her life and the life of his child as well.  He's doing this because he's sick and incapable of making good choices at times.

No contact is the path to allow yourself time to heal.  Don't get roped in and stop accepting the abuse.  Because that's what it is, he's abusing you to come to terms with this himself.  Nothing about that is okay.

[EyesUp]

He's saying it and doing it to make himself feel better.  And maybe he hopes to cheat on the other girl with you, to destroy her life and the life of his child as well.  He's doing this because he's sick and incapable of making good choices at times.

No contact is the path to allow yourself time to heal.  Don't get roped in and stop accepting the abuse.  Because that's what it is, he's abusing you to come to terms with this himself.  Nothing about that is okay.

100% this.

He's continuing to do this for himself.  To seek validation from you.  That's it.

He's not capable of perceiving that this is harmful to you, or if he does - he somehow feels empowered, good, validated, whatever - because he has this ability to influence you.

You need to see that this has nothing to do with you - it's all about him. 

[Kashi]

Just a note

He IS cheating on her.  He is emotionally cheating, creating a backup plan against the person he is saying, I love you to.  He has an unborn child he is already betraying.

Because he is weak and can't admit it. 

His ego is like a piece of dust, you look at him the "wrong" way and his ego fragments.

Like all borderlines

It's so painful they can't take it and you have to own it for them - become the scapegoat for their emotions.

Our empathy is translated into weakness, and we are attacked for it

I feel pity for the woman he is with. She has no idea what she is going to be dealt.

I feel a sense of strength for Sakura because I have hope for her. 

My heart wills her to a better place.

[yellowbutterfly]

Just a note

He IS cheating on her.  He is emotionally cheating, creating a backup plan against the person he is saying, I love you to.  He has an unborn child he is already betraying.

Because he is weak and can't admit it. 

His ego is like a piece of dust, you look at him the "wrong" way and his ego fragments.

Like all borderlines

It's so painful they can't take it and you have to own it for them - become the scapegoat for their emotions.

Our empathy is translated into weakness, and we are attacked for it

I feel pity for the woman he is with. She has no idea what she is going to be dealt.

I feel a sense of strength for Sakura because I have hope for her. 

My heart wills her to a better place.

Beatifully said Kashi

[Sakura08]

Thank you so much. I just don’t understand his frame of mind. The explanations help. It twists me up trying to understand, but I’ve stopped and now I am focusing more and more on changing my mindset and appreciating myself. I’ve made real healing progress and I am grateful for everyday I wake up safe. I’m not alone, and I wasn’t the crazy one.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you so much. I just don’t understand his frame of mind. The explanations help. It twists me up trying to understand, but I’ve stopped and now I am focusing more and more on changing my mindset and appreciating myself. I’ve made real healing progress and I am grateful for everyday I wake up safe. I’m not alone, and I wasn’t the crazy one.

Always say to yourself everyday...Live My Truth! The reason I say that is it will help you center yourself and focus mind and help stem the tide of potential negative thoughts and emotions so to speak.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Sakura08]

I am so exhausted. Exhausted from all this. But I don’t understand why it isn’t enough to be separated. Why I have to block. I can’t be the one for him if he’s already with someone else and having a kid with them. I’m so tired of having to be no contact. But because of him possibly being this way, all this push and pull. It’s so confidence crushing. But everyone’s stories are so similar. I just feel good that I am working on believing in my choice.

[Kashi]

I personally don't have contact with ex partners.

But then they don't try and stay in my life reminding me what we lost and can't have.

I'm not one of those keep them as friends' kind of person. 

I just don't.   Could be if there is a breakup then there hurts and sometimes unresolved hurt. 

No contact is normal for me.   

Borderlines don't have boundaries or allow you to.  Bit different.

You can't just say do you mind buggering off for a while, so I can collect myself and maybe I will talk to you down the track when I am healed, and you are a bit less of a dickhead.    

Cos they do what they want. 

[Sakura08]

Sometimes I look at the old conversations and I clearly state what I want. I see the cycles, and I don’t know where it is that I have never said what it is I wanted. See me and my boundaries bulldozed. I say stay away, then he replies with “ I love you” or some statement about something we both had an interest in. Like I was never talking to him at all. Blatant denial

[Kashi]

They don't hear you.

Well they do hear you, but they NEED and that is all that matters. 

I made it clear I wouldn't see her or speak to her again.  Next moment she is saying call me if you need anything.

In BPD language that is "can I call you if I need something but make it sound like I'm not needy, you are"

It's exhausting.  I don't want to be unkind but I am finding I am losing my patience.  That is not good.

I know how you feel.  Some people say the answer is to not answer and they get bored.

Personally, all I want to do is maintain a safe situation.  It isn't safe for her or I.   She has stepped into payback territory, and I have lost my temper with her.  Which is also what I think they want.   Sooths some of the shame. 

It does make it easier if you think nothing is about you.  It's about their needs and that's all.  They can get that from anyone. 

I'm not so important.   I wasn't loved.  I am replaceable.  So go away and replace me.  Let me have a life. 

What I can recover.  I'll do my best.