I joined this forum a few weeks ago after months of growing concern over my husband of nearly 7 years. I don't even know where to start, other than to say that in the last year or two I have noticed he was becoming more and more defensive, sensitive, agitated, accusing me of not loving him enough, becoming angry if I brought up any issues or concerns I had with our relationship. He interprets every facial expression, every tone, every word as evidence that he is unloved, unlikable, about to be abandoned. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about BPD and it was like these books have taken the thoughts out of my head and put them on paper. He has always had tendencies like this but never so extreme as in the last few months, and any empathy, tenderness or kindness that he expressed to me before is completely gone. I only seem to antagonize him.
He went away last week and when he came home he was so upset, that I didn't text him enough, that I didn't call, that it must mean I didn't love him enough or miss him at all. I tried to tell him that of course, I missed him, but I had been so busy watching our two young girls and was exhausted, it didn't mean I didn't miss him. It was useless. It was like arguing with someone that the sky was blue when he is convinced it's purple. We fought and fought and he ended up telling me I was playing the victim, he was worried about me, I have the problem. Me telling him that I had been busy with the girls was me making sure he knew I was "suffering".
Not a week later (today), I found his Apple Watch in the couch cushions and saw a message from the woman he shares an office with. It was full of hearts. I read all their messages. They talked about being in love, how excited they were to see each other, how good the sex was, how good they made each other feel. He sent her pictures of my children wearing party hats...on my birthday. He told her about "a trip he took to Maui" and how he made sure to take care of himself so he didn't get sick, because he had been so looking forward to it. That was the trip where he proposed to me. The night he accused me of not loving him or missing him enough, he was texting her telling her he loved her.
When I confronted him, his first reaction was not remorse. There were no tears. There was no apology. Just a hard stare and a “what are you talking about”. I actually had to pull it out of him, word by word, slowly, painfully for him to admit what was going on. He “couldn't remember” when it started. It's only been happening for a month. They “only” had sex twice. Why did he do it? Because he thought I didn't want to be married to him anymore. Because he wanted someone to be kind to him. It started out as just needing someone to listen to him.
He said that *I* thought he was “a disease” and “broken”. (I have never, ever said that). He did it because I didn't tell him explicitly I wanted to fight for our marriage.
I guess the cruelty and the cognitive dissonance isn't unusual when it comes to infidelity. Maybe I'm completely wrong about him having BPD but this infidelity, his reasons for it and his subsequent reaction just convince me more.
And now I don't know what to do. I think he has BPD, so what? I want to think that he was unfaithful because of this personality disorder, and I want to think that if he can just get real help, he can get better and this marriage can be saved. But I don't even know were to begin. I'm so hurt. I feel so doubtful that he will get help, let alone make meaningful change. It feels like he does not love me or care for me at all.
Has anyone been a position like this? Did you leave? Did you stay? Am I being stupid for even considering staying and reconciling and that this won't happen again if he gets treatment?
