I slept with my exBPD boyfriend last night and feel awful about it today...

[range4days]

Hello,

My exBPD bf and I broke up 5 weeks ago. We had purchased a home together 5 months ago and all of the ups and downs and highs and lows took a toll. I couldn't make him happy.

He started seeing someone a week after the breakup and was professing his "love" for this person. I know its not a real thing, this person is also MUCH younger (bad younger) and I told him he shouldn't ruin this kids life.

He got SO defensive when I asked about it and called me names he has never called me before. I know that was deflection.

We had the closing on our house last week and he sat across from me looking like he was going to cry. He followed me to my car after and said he knew he had just made a huge mistake. I said "yeah, you did, but how you treated me I dont have words for"

About an hour later he called me hysterically bawling saying how sorry he was, etc. I felt bad for him and told him he needs to go to therapy and get help.

Last night, in a HUGE moment of weakness I went and talked to him and we ended up having sex:/ I FEEL SO AWFUL AND LIKE SUCH A BAD PERSON for doing this, trust me... .

He won't admit to the sex via text because of fear I am sure that the new guy will see it.

Does this ever happen? Do people have bad decisions they make? Am I awful for doing what I did? I obviously still love him but know it will never work for us.

Any advice would be helpful here. Thank you.  :'(

[cloudten]

Hi! First of all... .we have probably all done stuff like that... .i have... .a lot. I will probably do it again. Straight up honest, the sex is great. I didnt break up with him because i dont love him... .i love him more than life itself... .  and that is my problem. I have a weakness... .an addiction. I want to be with him... .but i dont want to be with the disease. But they cannot be separated.

No you are not a terrible person... .dont fall into that trap of black/white thinking.

If you truly want to stay out of the relationship, the #1 thing to start with in detaching is physical separation... .not touching each other. You'll have to end the physical affection. Thats what my T says anywau, and i believe her because i get sucked right back in with the physical stuff.

I mean... .what do you want? Do you want to be back in the relationship?

[Mutt]

Hi range4days,

I can understand that would feel like conflicted feelings. I don't think that there's a right or wrong and that it's awful. I think it's important that we figure out what's healthiest for us and one way is to emotionally detach and it will bring peace. It has to be difficult that he's in a r/s with someone else and deflecting then to call you bawling?

[eeks]

Last night, in a HUGE moment of weakness I went and talked to him and we ended up having sex:/ I FEEL SO AWFUL AND LIKE SUCH A BAD PERSON for doing this, trust me... .

He won't admit to the sex via text because of fear I am sure that the new guy will see it.

Does this ever happen? Do people have bad decisions they make? Am I awful for doing what I did? I obviously still love him but know it will never work for us.

I did this too.  I thought we were "back on" after it too, but no.  So yes, people make decisions just like you did and worse, so I definitely don't think you're awful.

The only thing that "cured" me was talking, in a friendly or flirty way, to a LOT of other people and understanding that the way uBPDex conducted himself interpersonally was just not the norm.  

[range4days]

Hi! First of all... .we have probably all done stuff like that... .i have... .a lot. I will probably do it again. Straight up honest, the sex is great. I didnt break up with him because i dont love him... .i love him more than life itself... .  and that is my problem. I have a weakness... .an addiction. I want to be with him... .but i dont want to be with the disease. But they cannot be separated.

No you are not a terrible person... .dont fall into that trap of black/white thinking.

If you truly want to stay out of the relationship, the #1 thing to start with in detaching is physical separation... .not touching each other. You'll have to end the physical affection. Thats what my T says anywau, and i believe her because i get sucked right back in with the physical stuff.

I mean... .what do you want? Do you want to be back in the relationship?


Thank you for saying that. Like you, I too have an addiction, to him. I want him but not the disease and he claims he will try and get help (I set him up with a great therapist) but I know the statistics for him actually doing so. I want the relationship but at this point, if I tried to persue it, I would most likely be disowned by everyone I know because they know how awful it was when it was... .

[cloudten]

Thank you for saying that. Like you, I too have an addiction, to him. I want him but not the disease and he claims he will try and get help (I set him up with a great therapist) but I know the statistics for him actually doing so. I want the relationship but at this point, if I tried to persue it, I would most likely be disowned by everyone I know because they know how awful it was when it was... .

I have cut so many people out of my life because of my BPDxbf... .tried to make him happy. If you go back to him, you will probably lose important friendships. I lost my 2 best friends because of going back to mine. Not saying you will lose friends, but it is a possibility.  My life is actually okay without those 2 friends, but I am hoping that some day i can rekindle the friendships.  But I know now that if I were to ever go back in a 3rd recycle (I am not ruling it out because apparently I have zero will-power)... .I would lose all the rest of my friends and family. There is no doubt.  However, the people that really love you will support you even if they disagree.