Trigger Happy - Cycle of Conflict

[Princessbride]

Hello!

Second post and new to the site, but I have been reading a lot, and already feel like my awareness is growing.  Thank you all for your insight, support, advice, and generosity.

So, as I answered a poll, and read responses to my original post, it is clear to me that I have a lot of self work to do.  I could not pledge that I understand my role in the cycle of conflict.  I am aware of some of my spouses triggers, but I am at a loss of how to respond to some of my triggers.  When trying to end the "cycle of conflict" is the premise that the only response is no response?  As in, try to remove the emotional response to the trigger?

For example... .I hear a lot of ":)on't do... ."  and "Then Just Don't do it" when I say it makes me upset.  I then feel insulted and unheard.

Soo... .how do I change my trigger happy attitude?

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

hi PrincessBride, 



Here are my two most favorite links.   I use them all the time.   

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Breaking the cycle of conflict can be tricky at first.   For me it took some trial and error to find out what wording  worked for us and what didn't.   Depending on what is going on, I either use a SET statement, or a mini time out when I am triggered.   SET stands for Support Empathy and Truth.   A typical SET statement for me looks like this, "Of course you are frustrated that the cat threw up in the laundry basket again.   Anyone would be annoyed to find the laundry soiled.  There has to be a better way to keep the cat out of the laundry."    A mini time out would look like this for me "When the cat vomits in the laundry I get frustrated so I am going to have a cup of tea and relax for 10 minutes and then I will be back to clean up."

does that help at all?

'ducks

[an0ught]

Hi Princessbride,

it is hard to not get triggered when faced with flame spurts, lighting sands or a RUS . Even with a fearsome pirate on your side it is expected that you shriek and yell once in a while. And let's be clear, you have no such person on your side  

So

So, as I answered a poll, and read responses to my original post, it is clear to me that I have a lot of self work to do.  I could not pledge that I understand my role in the cycle of conflict.  I am aware of some of my spouses triggers, but I am at a loss of how to respond to some of my triggers.  When trying to end the "cycle of conflict" is the premise that the only response is no response?  As in, try to remove the emotional response to the trigger?

is a tall order. Tall as in INCONCEIVABLE tall.

Emotions can't be commanded. They are mostly out of our direct control. This does not mean we have no influence over them but that influence is often only indirect and affects with delay. So you'll have to ride them out. What helps is being aware of them, validating yourself i.e. naming them, contextualizing them etc. (see validation workshops).

What also helps is having enough balance before getting triggered. Self management of emotional balance also outside of conflicts is important.

What helps is having clear boundaries. Boundaries provide a sense of safety and reduce your tendency to get triggered.

What is usually pointless is avoiding to get triggered. A pwBPD has well developed instinct to invalidate us and getting a response. Take one lever away another one is found to make us jump. Not showing a response can be detrimental and lead to escalation. Sometimes it is best to acknowledge that we are now pissed off "I'm now really pissed off" when we start getting upset rather than wait for a second salvo turning us really upset and motivating us to shoot back.

What you must not do is fighting your emotions or trying to suppress them. This would be self invalidating, making  the unwanted emotion more entrenched and rendering you less able to act in a calm and well considered manner.


I know it is a long answer. Managing your own emotions and handling emotions on the pwBPD side is the core of the LESSONS. Above skills like validation, avoiding invalidation, boundaries and self care are mentioned and they all contribute a bit in way that adds up to a significant impact.

[Princessbride]

Thank you both!

I appreciate the advice and humor.  AnOught, thank you for clarifying the point about emotion.  I think one of the errors I've been making is thinking that in order to gain control of the situation, I need to minimize my response.  I think I've been making myself sick swallowing all that emotion.  Have had two situations where spouse was reaching critical mass, and we were able to not go over the edge.  Also, I feel like I am able to understand better how to communicate my feelings in a non threatening way.

Learning so much, so excited to work on this with a therapist next month.

[Grey Kitty]

You mention not being triggered, and a0 pointed out how hard that job is.

A somewhat easier job is to NOTICE that you are triggered, and understand that when you are triggered, you are going to react worse than you do at other times. Choose to remove yourself until you have time to calm down. Don't make it about your partner--YOU need some time away; give yourself at least 15 or 20 minutes; maybe take a walk. You can plan ahead--think about ways you can quickly and gracefully step out should you need to quickly.

I'd also encourage you to post a topic about a specific incident. Sometimes it is easier to work out a better response in a single specific situation than in general. Especially if it is a situation that keeps recurring.