Having panic attacks...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Blah. Just venting here.

Since I last spoke to my ex a couple of weeks ago, I've been having panic attacks. The 'missing' is gone for the most part. Now I'm just scared that this feeling just won't go away. I'm supposed to go visit the town where she lives next week and I'm worried that she will find out (we work with the same people). I want to just go in and go out without her knowing.

I'm scared because just any small bit of contact makes me feel awful and puts me in a terrible headspace. Our relationship is beyond broken. I have no interest in being her 'friend'. She keeps telling me that there is no way we can get back together again if we aren't 'friends' first. This makes sense, I suppose except that I don't want to get back together with her at all. Is she just dangling this 'we can get back together if we are friends thing' to try to keep me hooked in? I don't get it. It is not like I am pursuing her or have any interest in getting back together with her. If I could just wipe her from my mind, that is the option I would take without a moments hesitation. Wiping away history to be with her again would be the worst thing I could possibly imagine.

So, why am I so panicked? I don't understand that. Any insights?

[willy45]

Blah. Just venting here.

Since I last spoke to my ex a couple of weeks ago, I've been having panic attacks. The 'missing' is gone for the most part. Now I'm just scared that this feeling just won't go away. I'm supposed to go visit the town where she lives next week and I'm worried that she will find out (we work with the same people). I want to just go in and go out without her knowing.

I'm scared because just any small bit of contact makes me feel awful and puts me in a terrible headspace. Our relationship is beyond broken. I have no interest in being her 'friend'. She keeps telling me that there is no way we can get back together again if we aren't 'friends' first. This makes sense, I suppose except that I don't want to get back together with her at all. Is she just dangling this 'we can get back together if we are friends thing' to try to keep me hooked in? I don't get it. It is not like I am pursuing her or have any interest in getting back together with her. If I could just wipe her from my mind, that is the option I would take without a moments hesitation. Wiping away history to be with her again would be the worst thing I could possibly imagine.

So, why am I so panicked? I don't understand that. Any insights?

[camuse]

Is she just dangling this 'we can get back together if we are friends thing' to try to keep me hooked in?

Almost certainly.

[pieceofme]

i think the panic might be the result of PTSD?

[willy45]

Thanks guys. Yeah. Must be the PTSD.

[LettingGo14]

If I could just wipe her from my mind, that is the option I would take without a moments hesitation. Wiping away history to be with her again would be the worst thing I could possibly imagine.

So, why am I so panicked? I don't understand that. Any insights?

We all want "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" at times.   But, when we are looping in the same thoughts -- in fact, beating ourselves up for being "unable" to let go -- we seem to dig ourselves in deeper.

You have linked the panic, in the past, to the trauma (PTSD).  What steps are you taking now to change your perspective on her? 

[Caramel]

Hi Willy   

By being "friends" there is no commitment, so no fear of engulfment. While you are still there and under control, so no fear of abandonment. If she says "there is no way you can get back together", that means you are already painted black. And once black forever black. She has planned to leave. Now she is only buying herself time to leave  you when she is ready.  Do what's best for you. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. It's difficult but you have to  do it for your own best interest and I'm saying that to myself too. Normal relationships do not leave people behind with PTSD. It's malignant hope to think that they might act differently if they are given another chance. It's a disorder and the outcome is always the same. You need to take care of you. Claim your life back. Nomore manipulation. "Your rules. Your way. Your happiness."

If you are having panic attacks and anxiety, chances are you are suppressing emotions that you find difficult to face. You have been through a lot. A huge loss and a lot of abuse. Don't bottle anything up. Do not distract yourself. Don't deny your feelings.  Don't be afraid of them. Cry if you need to. I have found crying, exercise and meditation helps me a lot with my anxiety.

Don't try to deny the past or forget it. It happened, it was real, it was difficult and it's over now. Talk about what happened to your therapist and friends. Write about it  here or in your journal. Get it all out. Avoidance causes PTSD.

You will get better. You have a bright future ahead of you.

We are all here for you. You are not alone. We will get through this together.   

[willy45]

Yeah. I guess the confusion is trying to understand her.

Several months ago she tells me she would NEVER be involved with me romantically ever again. Then she tells me she loves me and will never find anyone who understands her like I do. Then she calls to ask me if I am single (I'm not) and then she tells me that I guess we just have bad timing. Then she tells me that maybe in 2 or 3 years we can be back together again. (I wasn't even asking if we could). Just random blurtings out.

I think my anxiety is tied to trying to figure out what her motivations are. I think this is pretty normal when dealing with normal people. But, clearly she is not a normal person. So, trying to understand is futile.

I want to have her go away forever. I really do.

[Waifed]

Yeah. I guess the confusion is trying to understand her.

Several months ago she tells me she would NEVER be involved with me romantically ever again. Then she tells me she loves me and will never find anyone who understands her like I do. Then she calls to ask me if I am single (I'm not) and then she tells me that I guess we just have bad timing. Then she tells me that maybe in 2 or 3 years we can be back together again. (I wasn't even asking if we could). Just random blurtings out.

I think my anxiety is tied to trying to figure out what her motivations are. I think this is pretty normal when dealing with normal people. But, clearly she is not a normal person. So, trying to understand is futile.

I want to have her go away forever. I really do.

Willy

She probably believes all of the different things that she is telling you at that point in time.  I've had the same thoughts race through my head many times recalling what she said and picking it apart analyzing it.  The problem is each moment is different in their heads so there is nothing to figure out.  Its trying to put logic to an illogical situation.  It leaves you dazed and confused. 

Easier said than done but try to live in the present as much as possible.  You can do this.  You went a long time with NC and were doing fine.  Maybe this is your brains last go round of processing.  You sound really close to breaking through.  Hang tough and don't let her get in the way of your life... .

[Harri]

Hi Willy.  Aren't panic attacks horrible?    

I wonder if putting her behavior into a different context would work.  Sometimes when we think they are trying to get us to go back with them or to somehow make us feel worse, it just feeds the anxiety.  

Several months ago she tells me she would NEVER be involved with me romantically ever again. Then she tells me she loves me and will never find anyone who understands her like I do. Then she calls to ask me if I am single (I'm not) and then she tells me that I guess we just have bad timing. Then she tells me that maybe in 2 or 3 years we can be back together again. (I wasn't even asking if we could). Just random blurtings out.

Chances are, she meant every single one of those things at the time she said them and for her, they were 100% true.  I do not believe there is conscious intent to manipulate confuse, reel you back in.  I think she is responding to whatever is driving her and that is most likely fear of abandonment and fear of the annihilation of self in some way.

How about telling yourself that her behaviors has very little to do with *you* and who you are?  I know those words can hurt and to think or realize such things can be painful, but accepting them can be freeing and healing and I do believe with BPD they are true or at least it seemed that way to me.  With my mother and with my uBPDex accepting that they were responding to their own internal struggle by using the same rotten self-caring and coping strategies they had developed due to whatever happened in their lives previously helped me to depersonalize the behaviors and stop trying to understand motives.  If the behavior is ultimately not about me, then i do not need to understand anything except myself.  I found my anxiety decreased to more manageable levels once I understood that.  

Just a suggestion.  Take what fits and discard the rest.  In the meantime, just keep breathing.  You will feel better.  

Ooops, cross-posted with Waifed.     Seems I am echoing his thought.

[Blimblam]

The panic attacks are the struggle against the destruction of the ego. The gut is rejecting the illusion.

[willy45]

Thanks guys. That really helps. A lot. When I depersonalize, it works great.

[kc sunshine]

Depersonalizing has helped me a lot too over these past few weeks-- I learned that on this board (thank you!)

"Once split black, forever black"-- have you all found that to be true?

[elessar]

By being "friends" there is no commitment, so no fear of engulfment. While you are still there and under control, so no fear of abandonment.

Very well put, and so very true.

[seeking balance]

You have linked the panic, in the past, to the trauma (PTSD).  What steps are you taking now to change your perspective on her? 

Willy,

This is a pattern for you and LettingGo asked a really important question - sorry if I missed the answer in your response. Feeling validated here helps when we are new, but there is a point we have to do some changing of our own if we want to stop the dysfunction.

What are you actively doing to change you?

Best,

SB