Hi Amae,
Im frustrated trying to get my husband to treat me fairly.
How do one "get" anyone to treat us fairly?
He abuses me emotionally, constantly. Twice he has been physically abusive, not recently. I can't talk to him, he won't listen. No matter how calm and careful I am if I say anything to him other than "What a wonderful man you are please let me do anything and everything you want," he yells at me and tells me I am abusing him. I am not. I considered it too just in case I was, seriously, because I wouldn't want to hurt him. He makes things up that I supposedly did that were unfair to him that I never did. He lies.
You might consider that he is using you as a surrogate for whomever in his life has abused him. Why else would he constantly abuse you emotionally? Why else would he accuse you of abusing him? It's not that he's "making things up" but rather he cannot get over some kind of injury from his past, like someone suffering from PTSD.
Maybe he lies. Maybe his entire perspective (as it relates to you) is completely distorted.
I don't have money to leave. I have 5 dogs I love very much whose home would be disrupted or worse. And I have worked really hard under tough circumstances to make this home and don't want to just walk away. I have lost a huge amount of love for him but there is still a little bit left.
You see, this is why he continues to do what he is doing. Because he can. And because what he does is working for him.
He wants to refuse to pay lot rent to his sister whose land our house is on. She said she will evict us. I tried talking to him and he told me that it "isn't any of my concern." ... . I am going to pay the lot rent of course.
Perhaps he refused to pay his sister because he expected that you might, which would only make you less likely to be in a position to change your circumstances.
I'm going to start tryng to figure out how to leave him without causing myself incredible harm. I haven't done this before because I can't. More long story. I have physical problems, ovbiously emotional investment in my home, five dogs to try not to hurt and/ or take some and/or how... .?, then economic problems. I have no money at all. I have no transportation and don't drive. I don't know anybody who will help me. Everybody I know has similar physical and economic problems. The women's shelter is full locally. They might be able to get me a shelter room 400 miles away. This all is why I haven't already left.
You might start by trying to gather whatever resources might be available to you. The local women's shelter may be full. But is there perhaps an Alanon group (even though your husband might not be an alcoholic, the dynamics are quite similar) or a CoDA -codependents anonymous- group? If you leave him without outside support, you might end up feeling like you have no choice but to return.
Even by spending small bits of time away from your husband will help you build your resolve; it will help you gather ideas of how life might be away from him.
Best wishes,
Schwing