In Need of Encouragement

[Meili]

I'm having a rough night. My mind is filled with insecurity.

Everyone says to trust your gut. Well, that's really difficult when your gut is always keeping you in survival mode.

I had a great day today. I met a bunch of new people and did things that I love to do.

Early in the day, I received a text from my x. It was either manipulative or sweet, I am not sure which. I responded as soon as I had a chance, but I don't think that it was the response that she wanted. I have heard nothing back from her. This is highly unusual behavior. She always seemed to have to have the last word. Later, I sent her another text that wasn't really anything relevant to anything. Still no reply. I'm not sure if it's ST, she lost her phone, she didn't pay her phone bill and it's been turned off (not unprecedented, but they don't normally disconnect mid day), she has decided to move things forward with the new guy, or any possible number of other reasons. I'm trying not to read too much into it. It's hard though.

Not being able to sleep, I did something that I never do, I went back and read some of the old texts from the past week. Aside from telling me that she talked about getting romantically involved with the other man, but they are both scared and that she's scared to get involved with me again; I saw nothing but encouragement from her. Just her asking for time to figure her stuff out, for me to show her consistency with my words and actions, and that she still loves me. My mind keeps telling me that she was just stringing me along.

I'm trying to stay in the present and mindful. I'm reminding myself that I don't have all the facts and that my scared, inner critic is just telling me things because my fear of rejection. I'm fighting the impulse to revert back to my old tools and to try to manipulate the situation so that I am not hurt. Fortunately, I realize that anything that I do on that front will only lead to more hurt.

I know that my only real option is to continue on with my life and living it for me. But, the lack of support and not knowing is getting to me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Moselle]

Meili,

I can sense your angst. Hang in there , the ST is a very stressful thing and is designed to be so.

Everyone says to trust your gut. Well, that's really difficult when your gut is always keeping you in survival mode.

Yes it is really difficult. Perhaps you can try to reason it out.

When we are triggered, its important to respond/act resourcefully. To do so we have to get out of that triggered state. I've found this to work. Feel -> PAUSE -> observe -> think -> act.

My ex is triggering me at the moment, so it's good practice for me too. 

I had a great day today. I met a bunch of new people and did things that I love to do.

Why do you think this event was able to change your mood?

[Meili]

And, apparently the ST is far more effective on me than anything else that she has ever done.

Reasoning things out is particularly difficult with her, as I am sure it is with all disordered people. But, as I said, all evidence leading up to the silence looked positive toward the option of some sort of r/s. And, I thought that she was taking small steps in that direction until this. That's why I'm so confused about it. My rational mind tells me that I don't have all the facts, so I just need to wait. Old habits are hard to break though.

Yesterday's events changed my mood because I faced several of my fears. The exact opposite of my fears was what happened in reality. I overcame the fears, I benefitted from the experience and I had a great time.

[Moselle]

There's a trick to this. When someone gives the silent treatment, try to have the time of your life. It's a gap to pack in movies, a trip to the beach  phoning old friends, going out. When my ex used to do it  I made it me time and you know what? By the end I used to look forward to my me time

Oh  and they really don't like it when you start enjoying the silent treatment.

[Meili]

I really did have a great day yesterday. I'm trying not to allow her ST to ruin it.

As an added bonus, it was with the same social group that she has made herself a dominant force in. It's a pointed male sport, with some female involvement, and a lot of guys swoon because a pretty girl participates. She gets all sorts of attention. When she found out that one of "her friends" (or her family as she calls them) was going to do something with me. She went so far as to contact him and tell him not to. He didn't listen. She even told me that none of her "family" will do participate in any one else's event or participate at all without her.

As I said, the text was either sweet because she wanted to warn me that she'd be somewhere that I was planning on going so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and get emotional, or it was designed to try to guilt me into not attending. Originally, she told me that she wasn't going to go, so that I was "safe" to go. (I have been avoiding everything that had to do with her. I decided that I was done hiding from the world and what I love to do because of  her.) The text told me that her plans had changed. That she wouldn't go if I wanted to go, but her "family" would expect her to be there. I think that I was supposed to say that I wouldn't go. That's not what I said. So, now silence.

Since we had a great time, and it's now on social media that we had fun and will be doing more together in the future, I'm sure that she'll know. It's always struck me as odd that she has me blocked, but always knows when I post something.

[Moselle]

I'm beginning to see which of her rules you broke to get the silent treatment.

Do you see it?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hey it's awesome that you had such a good day.  That's something we all need more of.  For me, the effect of doing things that make me happy or peaceful is cumulative.  The more I take these opportunities to be myself and be happy -- the more happy I am (it builds). It gets easier to recall those happy times because you have had more of them. 

Something that strikes me in your post is that you don't think she got the response she was expecting.  Her response is her response and we have no control over the responses of others.  When this sinks in, it is very freeing.

Congratulations on your progress! 

[Meili]

Something that strikes me in your post is that you don't think she got the response she was expecting.  Her response is her response and we have no control over the responses of others.  When this sinks in, it is very freeing.

Congratulations on your progress! 

Thank you! Another great day btw; doing what I want simply because I want to do it. There was actually a drastic change in my way of thinking. I wanted to share the experience with her, but rather than worrying about her, feeling guilty, or whatever, I felt angry that she has chosen the path that she has. I allowed her to own her choices rather than trying to make them my fault somehow. It truly was her loss that she didn't get to share those memories with me.

Oh, I get that her response, or lack there of, is hers. I have given up on trying to control any of that.

I'm beginning to see which of her rules you broke to get the silent treatment.

Do you see it?

I can see several "rules" that were broken.

1. She became fearful by her friend doing something with me. What he actually likes to do things with me at least as much as her?
2. She became fearful because I am starting to detach to the point where she no longer governs my movements.
3. She became fearful because getting to know me might bring into question some of the things that she's said about me.
4. She became fearful because I have started to put my own desires before hers.

Maybe I'm completely missing the mark here, but I truly believe that the last one is the seminal problem for her. She relies that she's losing me. What's truly sad is that I don't believe that she actually feels that way. It makes the most sense to me, but I don't believe it.