Advice for dealing with the moments when you miss them

[Mr Orange]

Been separated from uBPDw for 5 months now. No contact at all since June 16th. I've been seeing a LPC to work on my own issues, healing, and just getting to a better place in my life. While my wife has never been diagnosed, counselor feels like there are many traits (BPD or not) that made my decision to separate an appropriate one. Feels like divorce is the likely outcome, and the counselor has echoed that by stating my wife has to want to change, and there have been no signs whatsoever of that desire.

My question is, how do you deal with those moments when you know in your head that the relationship was a toxic mess, and that only one person changing will not fix things, yet in your heart you feel for that person because you loved them and you still have that lingering hope that it could somehow work out in the end? I've had many feelings of anger, regret, bitterness, resentment, etc over the past 2 years, but there is a big part of me that feels empathy for her because I truly believe many of the factors that makes her the way she is were out of her control. Unfortunately, the fact remains that the behaviors and traits that resulted from these circumstances which were out of her control make it hell on me as a spouse; a hell I could no longer live in. My feelings about the whole situation fluctuate so much day to day, it's just hard at this point.

[Ceruleanblue]

I know I'm going to be up against this when I finally am able to leave. I'm working towards that. Here's what I plan to do: journal and remind myself of all the reasons I had to leave, and to also write down the things that are good in my life at the present time(meaning where I am after I've left). Also, I plan to continue therapy as it's helped keep me sane during this marriage. I also love to read, so maybe I'll just read to distract myself.

And friends, and family are huge. Maybe force yourself to do more things with them, as a distraction? It's totally normal to rethink things though, and feel sadness. I think working through it is way better than stuffing it.

Like you, I just knew as could never change myself enough to please him, although I made myself into a pretzel trying. I'm all for compromise, and yet, it was always me compromising, me needing to change(things that weren't even unhealthy), yet he refused to work on his BPD traits, or the rage and anger and control issues. I came to see that it wasn't my job to keep him happy, and he was making it much harder for ME to be happy.

Just remind yourself of your personal story, and why you had to leave, and allow yourself to grieve. Hugs. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Also, congrats on the 5 months! Look how far you've come. Pretty amazing. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

I have been learning more and more in life that just because you like one aspect of something doesn't mean that having it in my life was beneficial overall.  That is the attitude I take with my exBPD.  I have sort of categorized my memories of the relationship and I allow myself to like the things that were good while realizing that the majority of the relationship was bad.

I took a trip with my exBPD last summer, and that is the one thing that nags me sometimes in lonely moments.  I miss that trip.  We had a great time.  I wish that I could have something like that back.  But that trip was not reflective of the overall feeling of the relationship.  It worked because my ex was getting the copious amounts of attention he demanded, his positivity made me feel like a great girlfriend, I was doing things that I found to be fun and reasonable, and we were sharing common interests.  That was the ingredient list for the perfect day with him.  We had maybe, like, five of those.

Someone on here also once posted that pwBPD make great girl/boyfriends but awful partners.  That is another way to think of it.  If all you wanted from someone was to hang out and have fun, most of the people we've dated here would be perfect.  My boyfriend was a blast to watch a movie with, go on a trip with, or make out with.  I tell people in hindsight that our relationship consisted of "activities" rather than any substance, because he would rarely talk to me about his inner life, other than his pervasive anxiety disorder.  You could forget talking to him about adult relationship problems.  He preferred a relationship with the appearance of no conflict or disagreement.

Real love is when someone sees you at your worst and still values you.  This was not that relationship, despite the fun trip.

[NewTring]

day by day, dissipates with time, surround yourself with family and friends, find a hobby (I'm building a cabin, remodeling my house), seek therapy, go out with friends, go to the strip club (it's a distraction for guys). 

think of all the bad things.  she drove you nuts.

i'm just looking for peace.

[Mr Orange]

Someone on here also once posted that pwBPD make great girl/boyfriends but awful partners.  That is another way to think of it.  If all you wanted from someone was to hang out and have fun, most of the people we've dated here would be perfect.  My boyfriend was a blast to watch a movie with, go on a trip with, or make out with. 

This is probably one of the MOST insightful nuggets I've seen on these boards recently! The dating/relationship phase (thought only 8 months) was pure bliss. Constantly seeing her post photos of me, saying "My baby is so cute!" and having affection poured over me constantly.

Although, this makes me wonder if it was the commitment of marriage that tripped the BPD circuit and we could have continued a wonderful relationship for another few years if we simply remained bf/gf, or was it just coincidence that BPD came on so strong post nuptials because the idealization phase clock had run out. I did start to see little signs of BPD about 3 months into the relationship, and even more after we got engaged, but it wasn't until after saying I do that all hell broke loose and I started wishing I'd said "I don't". Food for thought, I guess. Old, rancid, corner of the fridge food, that is

[GreenEyedMonster]

This is probably one of the MOST insightful nuggets I've seen on these boards recently! The dating/relationship phase (thought only 8 months) was pure bliss. Constantly seeing her post photos of me, saying "My baby is so cute!" and having affection poured over me constantly.

Although, this makes me wonder if it was the commitment of marriage that tripped the BPD circuit and we could have continued a wonderful relationship for another few years if we simply remained bf/gf, or was it just coincidence that BPD came on so strong post nuptials because the idealization phase clock had run out.

I can't take credit for it, but I am not sure which member said it.

In that sense, a relationship with pwBPD is like a deal with the devil.  You have it as long as it doesn't matter that much to you.  Of course there are moments that I wonder, too, if just having a companion would be enough for me.  But I can't deal with the volatility.  Having nice things is not that fun if you have to constantly wonder if they are going to disappear.  I'd rather stick to having average things.

Loyalty has become something I really value in people -- friends and romantic partners.  It is a rare quality.  Volatility and unreliability are deal-breakers.  I want someone I can plan a future with and know the future will be there.  Being in a relationship with a pwBPD is like living in a mansion that has a 95% chance of burning down with all your stuff in it.

[Xstang77]

^ I agree with this on the reliability part,the past 6 weeks we've been broken up have been absolutely horrible but at the same time I haven't had to ask her every single day if everything was ok or if she was leaving,she hasn't been able to leave me in the past six weeks because she's gone and probably for good,I don't have to worry about her finding someone else, she already has twice,I don't have to worry about an anxiety attack because of her leaving,I don't have to worry about doing something with her and her being completely miserable no matter what I do to help.

[VitaminC]

Someone on here also once posted that pwBPD make great girl/boyfriends but awful partners.  That is another way to think of it.  If all you wanted from someone was to hang out and have fun, most of the people we've dated here would be perfect.  ... .  I tell people in hindsight that our relationship consisted of "activities" rather than any substance, because he would rarely talk to me about his inner life, other than his pervasive anxiety disorder.  You could forget talking to him about adult relationship problems. 

That's funny, just this morning when I was brushing my teeth his observation " you were a sh*t girlfriend " came back to me. I laughed when it popped into my head because, actually, HE was a sh*t boyfriend AND a terrible partner!

I remember my thoughts when he said that to me; I thought "oh, so there's a checkbox somewhere in your head, and if I don't check enough of the boxes then that's your carte blanche to cheat, nice one". Yep, that's about how it was.

What he meant was that I didn't make him feel safe enough in the relationship. This is true, partly because I had my own, entirely my own, commitment issues but more so because there were far too many warning bells ringing about him. All the church bells in all the belltowers of the village were going ballistic. So no, I didn't make him feel safe enough.

But once I decided to get over myself and give it a proper try, he was already behaving like a first class a-hole.

Even after all that's happened, I occasionally miss small, quite specific, things. I let it sweep over me, try not to get too distracted by it and just continue whatever I am doing. If my thoughts begin to swirl around a bit too much, I force myself to remember other small and specific nastinesses. There are soo many of those.

I have found though, that as the weeks pass, I think or remember less often and the emotional power of those memories is less.

[gotbushels]

  Mr Orange and VitaminC I agree with your description of that insightful nugget. My ex used to repeat to me that I was "nice to look at, rotten on the inside". Well, now her motives are pretty transparent. It's pretty sickening when I recall that some beliefs may transfer between people over time. That would be one helluva lousy belief to take away.

Mr Orange, I agree with NewTring with thinking about using hobbies. Perhaps try an assortment that ideally doesn't add to any feelings of rumination. While focusing yourself on her bad points also may work, it can create anger, which then can get in the way of great things like self-questioning.

[Mr Orange]

Yeah, I mean the focus on hobbies thing sounds like great advice. Filmmaking is one of my strongest passions. It's where my true ambition lies. I'm doing my best to make that the focus of my free time. The only problem is that in the wake of this whole separation, I'm still dealing with a bit of depression. For anyone who has experienced that, I'm sure you know all too well that one of the main side effects is a lack of interest in things that you normally enjoy, and an overall loss of motivation. And before anyone asks, I am seeing a counselor weekly and taking medication to manage these symptoms. My personal feeling is that these things do help a lot, but they often can only take the edge off.

I think part of what is making the situation more difficult are a couple of other factors. The first being that this marriage has crippled me financially. Not that you can't have fun without money, but it does limit your options at times and also adds to the overall stress. The other thing is not really having a good circle of friends who are regularly available to hang out. I do have really close friends I get to see on occasion, but being 35 most of my pals are either married with kids, or settled into relationships. Being suddenly thrust back into life as a single guy in his mid 30s; it's a bit jarring and difficult to navigate at the moment.

Not trying to sound negative and shoot down suggestions; honestly there's a lot of good advice here. Sometimes though I feel like the reality is that there's just not a good answer to a situation. Maybe it's do the best you can, allow time to mend wounds, put forth the max effort you can muster toward affecting change while acknowledging the difficult but temporary circumstances, and trust that better days will come.

[Xstang77]

Your last paragraph, that's all we can really do,that's what I'm doing,it's been over 6 weeks and still hurts like hell in the morning but well further drive ourselves insane trying to figure them out,if you need someone to talk to feel free to drop me a pm the more support for you and I the better.

[JSF13]

This is probably one of the MOST insightful nuggets I've seen on these boards recently! The dating/relationship phase (thought only 8 months) was pure bliss. Constantly seeing her post photos of me, saying "My baby is so cute!" and having affection poured over me constantly.

Although, this makes me wonder if it was the commitment of marriage that tripped the BPD circuit and we could have continued a wonderful relationship for another few years if we simply remained bf/gf, or was it just coincidence that BPD came on so strong post nuptials because the idealization phase clock had run out.

I can't take credit for it, but I am not sure which member said it.

In that sense, a relationship with pwBPD is like a deal with the devil.  You have it as long as it doesn't matter that much to you.  Of course there are moments that I wonder, too, if just having a companion would be enough for me.  But I can't deal with the volatility.  Having nice things is not that fun if you have to constantly wonder if they are going to disappear.  I'd rather stick to having average things.

Loyalty has become something I really value in people -- friends and romantic partners.  It is a rare quality.  Volatility and unreliability are deal-breakers.  I want someone I can plan a future with and know the future will be there.  Being in a relationship with a pwBPD is like living in a mansion that has a 95% chance of burning down with all your stuff in it.

This 100%. I am so loyal that I get myself in trouble. Thats how I got in the mess with my ex in the first place. I kept believing it would change. It never did. You say you want someone to have a future with and I am as well. Looking back I would be terrified of having a child with my ex. I can't imagine her treating our child well. She couldn't treat me well and the way she manipulates her own father is pretty sickening as well. Quality over quantity at this stage of life for me.

[gotbushels]

JSF13 and GreenEyedMonster
I think the fact that the three of us identify loyalty as something we really want in a partner is a really good thing. We know from this relationship that it's something we value very highly.

We are definitely not alone:

The final straw that ended the relationships? (... .)

Relationship often have to hit rock bottom before they end - especially marriages. Sounds like you are in the too bad to stay, too good to leave stage.

I think the idea from here would be to really work around how we can make sure we are involved in a relationship with a partner that values the same thing around where we're are is one way we can go. We don't want to be in position where the relationship has to "hit rock bottom" for us to leave. That's a very, very sad state indeed.

Mr Orange and Xstang77

Not trying to sound negative and shoot down suggestions; honestly there's a lot of good advice here. Sometimes though I feel like the reality is that there's just not a good answer to a situation. Maybe it's do the best you can, allow time to mend wounds, put forth the max effort you can muster toward affecting change while acknowledging the difficult but temporary circumstances, and trust that better days will come.

Yes. To be honest I was hoping I could discover something in my digging that could be some sort of optimal "magic bullet" fix to the anger and anxiety during the breakup stage. You're right, in the end, if we happen to be the boat, we have to sail in the direction our own lighthouses are telling us to go. We do have to bear some measure of pain, we have to know that we are hurting, we have to know that as men (regarding "masculinity"--it feels like it's "sucking", we have to know it's a normal thing to want to run from pain. As in most healthy separations, sometimes that's the price we pay for receiving the good.

Where there's hope is knowing that we can experience what a good relationship is without the disproportionate pains/"caretakerdom" that seems to be a non-and-BP relationship.

[Mr Orange]

Gotbushels,

Believe it or not, that response was helpful. I don't know, maybe sometimes a bit of encouragement makes a big difference. It's funny how the first couple of months after the separation were much easier. I was in a good place, all things considered, and felt more like myself. Not sure if it was due to the immediate relief of getting out of the daily toxic cycle of chaos, or because at that point I had more hope that she might realize she had to change and there could still be a happy ending that didn't involve me simply going back into that daily hell. It's pretty clear at this point that she is unlikely to change and the only reconciliation would involve me accepting everything as it has always been and just going back. That has been a bitter pill to swallow over the past few weeks. Even being the one who chose to leave, it never feels good to have the other person say "You know what, you're not worth it to me. I'd rather be done than consider changing".  You're right though, I did leave for a reason and it was not a hasty decision. It had been on my mind for months. I have to follow that path and see this through.

Cheers,
Orange

[Reforming]

Hi Orange,

A lot of good thoughts from members here already. I'd like to add a few more that I've found helpful

Missing your ex - no matter how unhealthy the relationship - is natural and healthy. It's part of the grieving process and grief is a healthy and appropriate response to loss. There have been times when I felt really frustrated with myself for not letting go faster - when I felt stuck. I've worked hard to become more compassionate, non judgemental and patient. Loss is loss. Getting angry or disappointed with myself for feeling sadness and pain just made things worse.

Don't let others set a timetable for your grieving. Everyone is different and we need the time and space to process and recover. Nobody fully understands your experience - it's not their fault - don't let them define your feelings.

Grieving and moving on are not linear. It's quite normal to be broadsided by unexpected feelings of grief and regret when you believe you recovered. Don't judge yourself. If you accept them they will pass quicker.

They say times heals all wounds. Perhaps… I think it needs help. Detachment and healing take work. The challenge is to strike a healthy balance between grieving and positive action.

Small steps - even tiny ones - towards positive change in your life can make a huge difference. Pick one good habit that you want to develop and focus on it. Don't be over ambitious and try not to judge yourself harshly if you fail. Change takes time and it's built on repeated failures. Steady persistence married to modest ambition will achieve remarkable results.

Write down a detailed list of the darkest points of your relationship. Be honest with yourself. It's really important to accept the reality of your relationship and that means dismantling the fantasy of what you hoped it was or would be. Refer to this when you're feeling conflicted…

Embrace failure. You cannot learn, reach goals or even live without failing. It's a critical part of life. Great achievements are built on a mountains of failure. Reframe your relationship and your efforts to move on with this in mind.

Good luck and keep posting

Reforming

[DreamerGirl]

Great advice Reforming,

There really is no timetable for grief.  So True.

We can feel ok one minute and devastated the next.  The process of detaching and accepting the loss of our hope and dreams is painfully up and down. 

Mr Orange, I understand your feelings.  I wanted and wished that when we had hit the bottom that he would realize how much I meant to him, how much I loved him and he would fight to save what we have.  This will take time, but as cliche as it sounds, time will heal this wound.  The real work will be in working on ourselves and why we allowed someone to treat us this way.

To see mine just discard me, after how much he professed his love and devotion to me, for nearly 5 years, has really mind f**cked me.