Abused for validating and sending love messages-new punishment to follow?

[abcdefg1]

Hi all. Im back to post about BPD daughter. This time, she has a boyfriend who validates her so now she feels free to use me as her  punching bag. Today, I expressed my love and validation over her doing a 'memorial' for someone related to us who she feels is dead by suicide. We do not feel that way as there was no proof of this to be had. After I wrote her a whole loving message about how I hope this 'party' that she made had helped her grieve, she verbally attacked me and said that until I admit he killed himself I am invalidating both her and him, that I have no right to disagree with ehr 'facts', etc. That I am invalidating this person's entire life and 'not accepting who he really was if I dont believe the truth'. THis after I gave eher a whole email on how I respect her right to grieve in any way that makes her feel better... that her dad and I love her... and she was so painfully nasty and bitchy to me. I was shocked! She has also been withholding the grandkids from us for a long time and finally called to say this wekend she wants to come... and now iM afraid that bc I VALIDATED her and reached out with LOVE Im gonna be punished by her not bringing them... .oh and BTW the BF mom is gods gift and can do no wrong, and all HER pms and comments are gold!  I am following the script of how to deal with BPD so why am Ialways on the losing end?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

can you share more about the letter you wrote her?

its possible that shes holding a grudge about this disagreement and that writing her was opening a can of worms that she reacted to, blew off steam.

[wendydarling]

Hi abcdefg1

I'm sorry for your pain, the memorial of your relation is a heightening of emotions for all. It's hard to centre, stay in wisemind, not be triggered.

once removed asks a good question.

I found standing back, helps my DD move forwards, yes I'm there for emotional support - I listen, the rest is her finding her way. I wait for her to come to me.

My thoughts are with you   stepping off the emotional rollercoaster, we do our very best here, with you.

WDx

[abcdefg1]

it wasnt a letter. It was a fb message. It said I hope the celebration went well and that it helped you in your grieving and coping. We know how hard the situation is for you and support you in making this party, and we love you. THATS ALL. And she lashed out with hate and anger saying we are invalidating this person by not 'recognizing' her fictional truth about his life and that he desrves to be remembered by 'those who actually loved him' and not by us.

[Suzin]

Hi abcdefg1,
Sorry to hear about your situation. My experience with my BD is that no matter how I validate her feelings, reinforce my love/support and use reflective listening, she will still pick one word and go off on me. I am the target of blame for everything that is wrong in her life, her childhood memories are skewed and she responds with rage and disrespect. She also stops communicating with me for years at a time and is now not letting me see my grand children. I repeat this: (from Stop Walking on Eggshells)

I didn't cause this
I can't change this
I can't cure this

Let go for now (until she contacts me again)
Take care of yourself
Get on with your life

Suzin

[Scout206]

Hi abcdefg1
Well at least you can send your daughter a message on fb.  My daughter has blocked me from all social media accounts as well as from her life.   I'm always on the losing end as well.  The BF's mother in my case can also do no wrong.  All I do is wrong.  Anything I say is twisted to reinforce that I am not a good person.  She apparently has lost the memories of a mostly great life and everything we did with each other.  I have recently stopped reaching out to her.  I will not be invited to her wedding in July.   The hurt never stops - I live it every day.  I try so hard to learn, read, exchange ideas and understand what kind of pain is making her do this.   I try to radically accept her for who she is.   I feel like life has blind-sided me over and over again.   Sorry to run on.  But you are definitely not alone in your situation or your feelings.  Scout206

[abcdefg1]

wow this is familiar. I am no longer GOING to send her a message on fb since I got slapped in the face this time. I am so done with this merry go round. I need to just move forward and try to forget about her actions and learn from them. The ones who truly suffer are the kids... who lost their grandparents' love for no reason. The pain of that will never die.

[once removed]

shes angry. she reacted angrily, although you had good intentions. put yourself in her shoes for a moment.

when dealing with someone with BPD traits, its important not to be reactive back. easier said than done, and it takes some practice.

[abcdefg1]

yes shes always angry what else is new? And she uses me in particular as her punching back, as her 'split' and to help her in her fictional role as victim. I am so done with all this. I need to move even farther away and live my life, write off the grandkids as a huge loss. Nothing else I can do, I know that. Im not getting any younger sand she is 30, this has been happening since she is 17. I cant take it any more, and now 2 innocent sweet loving souls who adore us are gonna lose out too. I hate her for what she has done and continues to do to us all.

[once removed]

i hear you. its frustrating, maddening. and you didnt ask for any of it.

there are a lot of options when it comes to dealing with your daughter between endless conflict and cutting her out. they take practice.

have you had a chance to work through the lessons and tools to the right of the board? are you interested in improving things?

[abcdefg1]

yes Ive tried it all. When I say cutting ehr out I mean not initiating ANYTHING and letting her comment/come to me. I keep forgetting how sick she is because for example, before I had written my loving msg, she had been sending us pix of the kids and evne coming. Thats why I was so blindsided. See thats the thing with BPD.you think the stuff is working, all the validating etc, but its only temporary. It never lasts. and then you are back to square one. SO IM cutitng out of it, menaing IM no longer gonna chase, inittiate or anything. Just be there from a distance. I need to be able to move on and every time I get hope I am thrown down again. I need space now and Im gonna give myself that gift. If I lose my grandkids, well, Ive already lost them bc they are nothing but her pawns anyway.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

First Im Sorry this is happening.  It's got to be horrible to see your grandkids feel the wrath.  It's terrible. 

My d is 17 and only recently diagnosed.  It's scaring me to read how this mental illness just does not stop.  There's no remission.  Just predictable waves of anger, no contact, blame... .and the punching bag. 

I'm glad you're sharing here.  It's really making me see that all I've got is me- all I can control in this sad relationship is me and how I react.  It's so sad still, I just can't stop grieving.  Her face isn't even recognizable to me.  I wonder where she is when she's right in front of me, in this monotone rage suppressed voice telling me how I've failed. 

And I should've went for a walk. But I made popcorn instead. 

[abcdefg1]

Yes it never ends. I did go walking and it helped, but it is the same story over and over. Im so done. You are at the beginning... maybe it will change for you... but it didnt for us. Shes an adult and we hve to walk away for our own mental health and let her crash and burn. We have been trying to save her for 13 years. That is long enough I think. I wish you the best Faith but I need to tell you-work on yourself. that is the only thing you have. DOnt sacrifice your own mental and physical health for her, as I did.

[Merlot]

Hi abcdefg1

I think so many of us understand the anger portion of your post that just jumps right off the page.  It's very raw and very real and it has been the catalyst for you making the latest choices.  Maybe stepping away for a while, to allow yourself to grieve/heal/re-balance will be the thing that allows you to reflect and consider any other possible options for you and your daughter moving forward; even, if in the end, they are not possible.

I struggle as well, as I have very similar circumstances to you and have been cut out for the past 3 months along with my precious grand daughter. While I can very much agree with Once removed about our daughters having an illness, it doesn't take away the pain and anger in the short term; only the natural passage of time through grief and healing can do that. 

When I come up for air I will work on forgiveness so that I can move forward with my life and consider what a relationship with her might look like if/when she comes to me, knowing that it will be very different to the one I want - rebuilding trust will be critical and I'm under no illusion about some limitations here due to the nature of BPD. 

I hope you and I can move through the fog of grief and navigate the illness to the extent that love shifts the burden of anger and hate which ultimately is so destructive to ourselves, and our BPD children.

Don't forget to remind yourself that you are and have always been a loving mother.

I wish you much respite and care. 

Merlot

[abcdefg1]

thank you Merlot for your word of comfort. yes I am angry, but I must tell you, this decision is a long time coming. It is not anger based but healing based. i need more space and since she goes missing on me every few months, I feel like I would like to be in control of my own distance, rather than allow her to choose when she drops off the grid with me. at this point, I feel that she is causing me to be depressed and make bad choices for myself. So for both myself and DH, who has wanted this for years, I feel a new start is the right choice. I wish her the best but I am no longer going to tie up my life so that she can live hers.

[Merlot]

Hi Beady

I know this very difficult, but I commend you in creating space for you that is not just on her terms.   I hope we see each other on the board as our journeys progress.

It sounds like your husband is very supportive, so take time to enjoy each other.  I hope you have a lovely weekend.   

Merlot