Detaching - Dealing with Nostalgic Feelings (Houses)

[ThanksForPlaying]

I saw this in another thread today and wanted to start a new topic rather than hijacking the thread.

Someone mentioned moving out of the house, because the BPD has left, and now the lonely empty house is too painful.  This has happened to me at least twice in the past 15 years, and I'm currently dealing with it again.

13 years ago, I went through my first and only divorce.  pwBPD moved out.  We had only lived in a beautiful new house for 2 weeks together.  The house was mine.  In my name - not split in the divorce.  It was mine to keep.  It was HUGE for 1 person, so it felt lonely to me.  But soon after my divorce, I met another (likely) BPD who spent a lot of time at the house with me, and also completely disappeared after a year or so.   I had now suffered two very painful splitting episodes that made me feel deserted and alone in this beautiful house.  All the memories I had were of the 'happy' times in these two relationships.  I sold the house. 

In hindsight, I keep thinking about how I loved that house - I would love to still live there.  This in itself is it's own form of nostalgia - I'm looking back on the house itself with rose-colored glasses, in much the same way as I look back on these failed relationships with rose-colored glasses.  It really seems to be just a character trait that I tend to forget and forgive the 'bad' memories more than the 'average' person.  This may be why I'm so prone to accepting BPD behavior in my life.

I'm currently in a (possibly) budding BPD relationship.  One of the first things pwBPD suggested is that I sell my current house to 'upgrade' and move closer to her.  I can see where this is going.  I'll move, and then be left alone in a beautiful house in the middle of nowhere.  Because she'll leave as soon as she feels that the 'new house' is not filling her emotional black hole.

Currently, I'm resisting the overtures to move for pwBPD.  She's also starting to spend time at my current house.  I can see we're starting to 'make memories' in the current house, and I'm working on not letting myself associate her with the house itself.  If and when she ghosts in this current relationship, I don't want to again feel like I need to move to a different house.  I had this house before her, and I can stay in the house after her.  It's not the house that's the problem.

I understand this logically, but it's still difficult for me.  I have the same issues sometimes with places around town.  Restaurants, etc.   That's where WE had good memories.  Does this mean I need to move to a different town each time a BPD cuts off a relationship?  In fairness, this doesn't happen a LOT ... but it's a pattern with me.  Maybe 3 times in the past 15 years where I've felt like I needed to make a major change due to a failed relationship.

I'm starting to see the 'answer' may be to look at my own independence and confidence levels - and work on being confident enough in myself to have my own stable life even as the BPDs come and go.

[bluebarleystrawb]

I think it makes a ton sense to have questions about how to best take care of yourself in the face of actual/potential hurt and loss.  It sounds like you are doing a really good job noticing these patterns of your past and current partner's behaviors and your reaction to them, and trying to figure out how to balance that with your own wants and needs as an independent person.  I know from experience (for me) at least moving and relocating is a ton of work and pretty exhausting.

One of the things I have been working on is separating the gratitude for the memories and shared experiences with my current partner (we have been together a long time, and some of it has been really wonderful, and I really love her and our kids a lot) from the fact that when I am around her I feel a higher level of dysregulation in my body right now, as the relationship is nearing the end, particularly when she is exhibiting what I see as high-conflict behavior.  I can physically tell all the love hormones are not being manufactured anymore, and the relationship is no longer working.  It's hard.

Once I realized this figuring out the "there is no we" thing it has been really difficult.  I haven't yet mastered wise mind, although i get there occasionally. One thing I try to ask myself in wise mind is "if I am ok being alone for the rest of my life what choice would I make here?" and "what is it that I actually want?".  And then when I get to a hard or memory-filled spot I use my mindfulness skills to try to enjoy the experience or place in a new way, or just experience the sadness. 

Every time I do this I become less concerned about meeting a new person who may hurt me (it is a worry) because I can feel that I am getting through this situation with my sense of self intact, so I should be able to get through the next one.  One of my favorite authors likes to say it's a guarantee that great love (vulnerability) always leads to great suffering (loss of control) and learning how to experience that is what causes us to become more fully developed as humans. 

[Pook075]

I'm in the same situation; freshly divorced and split up for almost two years.  We have a contract on our home and I have mixed emotions...I LOVE this house since it's where my kids grew up and my parents retired (in a cabin on another part of the property). 

Letting go is very difficult and I will miss the house.  But for me, it's like a train cruising through the open country...it's not going to stop no matter what.  It's time for me to move on and I'm excited for that.

In your situation, the problem isn't necessarily the house as much as it is your 3rd BPD relationship.  Do you think you've grown enough emotionally to achieve a different outcome this time around?  What are you doing differently to protect yourself from remorse if the relationship doesn't work out?

I do not think you should move if the only reason is the new girlfriend.  But if you actually want to move and there's other reasons as well, then there's no real downside.  Just make sure you're doing it for you.

[once removed]

Currently, I'm resisting the overtures to move for pwBPD.  She's also starting to spend time at my current house.  I can see we're starting to 'make memories' in the current house, and I'm working on not letting myself associate her with the house itself.  If and when she ghosts in this current relationship, I don't want to again feel like I need to move to a different house. 

you are in a relationship that you are actively working to avoid attaching to?

[Turkish]

I'm starting to see the 'answer' may be to look at my own independence and confidence levels - and work on being confident enough in myself to have my own stable life even as the BPDs come and go.

There was a George Carlin routine from the 80s where he said, "life is a series of dogs... when one dies, I take it to the pet shop, toss it on the counter and say, 'gimme another one of those! That one was real good!'"

Do you feel that you can't have a stable life aside from a pwBPD?

[ThanksForPlaying]

you are in a relationship that you are actively working to avoid attaching to?

In a way, I have to work pretty hard in ALL relationships to maintain a healthy level of attachment without throwing myself all the way into it.  That's just my own codependency.  But your question is specifically about this BPD relationship.  Yes, I'm sensing the BPD ... and actively trying to avoid attaching because of it.  It's not a great way to manage a relationship!  I would much rather be able to love fully and openly and be loved back in the same way.  It's basically like putting up a wall around my heart so it won't get broken.  This is the first relationship where I'm attempting to do that.  Mostly because the BPD hasn't fully revealed itself yet, and I'm still justifying to myself that maybe it's not BPD.  I'm still cautiously testing the waters.

Do you feel that you can't have a stable life aside from a pwBPD?

I can have a stable life on my own without a BPD relationship.  I've done it nicely for the past 2 years.  But as soon as I started dating again, I seem to have quickly found someone with some BPD traits.  I'm totally aware that it's kind of a pattern with me at this point.  This one seems to have happened so randomly that I think it was more 'chance' than me doing something to 'attract BPD'.  But I'm always looking for answers as to 'why' I seem to be more prone to finding BPD partners than most people.

[Boyo73]

I feel for you in this situation of the home and the memories.

I am 7 days out of a long term relationship with my BPD partner. We moved from one home to another to escape some "bad memories" that in retrospect I understand were BPD trait related.

We moved into a new, larger home (that I needed as I started a work from home job and needed space). The neighborhood, location, size, and features of the home were perfect for both of us. The first 4-6 months things were good, the house was well kept up, and we were upgrading and improving it to be our "forever" home so to speak. As he got more comfortable and his BPD settled in as he got older, things began to go down hill in the home.

6 years after we moved into this house, as our relationship crashed and burned due to a horrible combo of substance/alcohol and BPD, the house is a shell of what it once was, I barely recognize it.

Years of him not giving a PLEASE READ about anything in the house and just not caring have left it in shambles. All the projects he was going to "tackle" that I couldn't get him to do, but also wasn't allowed to do myself or hire someone to do, are left undone. I gave him a larger common room in the house to start a business in, that ended up spreading to all ends of the home to the point where I feel like I live in a garage not a house. I basically have 2 rooms that are not tainted, my office and the kitchen.

The last 6 weeks as things got really bad, my BPD partner began a pattern of destroying things and the house. There are over a dozen holes in the walls that he has punched or kicked (or in one case head butted). Some the size of a fist or a foot, others you could throw a beach ball through. Photos and other things were destroyed in fits of rage. Carpets were stained, things that had sentimental meaning to me and/or him/us were destroyed. All of this was "my fault" I was told after they happened.

Now, with him gone I'm left with this 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom large home where just me and memories of someone I love so much still it makes me physically hurt are left. I am barely getting by emotionally, I haven't even begun to look at what getting the home fixed would take. I'm just trying to get through each day at this point.

So, to turn this back to your post, do you feel like leaving your homes in the past mattered? Do you regret having done so? Part of me wants to make this house "mine" again so that myself and maybe someone else in the future if I can get to that point, could have a great life in this home. I'm just not sure if I can live here without the fond memories and the traumatic ones haunting me everyday.