He said he's sick of me... do I set him free?

[wishfulthinking]

Of course, I don't love him enough blah blah... .

[Validation78]

Hi Lost!

What do you want to become of this relationship?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[wishfulthinking]

I want him so badly my heart is currently shattered. I don't want to force him to stay. If he's so sick of me I don't want him unhappy. Sorry for the short intro post, just we've all been there, no long story necessary.

[Validation78]

Hey again Lost!

I'm sorry. This must be a difficult time for you and hard words to hear from him.

Of course you can't force him to stay or do anything for that matter! If he says he is sick of you, does that mean he's putting an end to it?  What about your happiness?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[wishfulthinking]

He's days he made a promise to God when he married me and can't divorce me. My happiness matters, yes. But losing him won't make me happy. But his actions don't make me happy, either. I feel lost. Unfortunately I got caught in the BPD trap if the great guy at first who has freaked out.

[Validation78]

Hi Lost!

It's a very sad dilemma you have, as many of us have or had! I'm sorry you have to experience this and make some decisions!

So here are your choices:

Stay married, don't do anything different, remain unhappy

Stay married, accept that he is sick and isn't going change, and make some changes yourself and possibly be happy

Don't stay married, whether he wants to or not, (you can leave without his permission) be unhappy for awhile, and move on.

The second choice is a real possibility if you learn to live differently with the illness. It's not easy and it will require a lot of effort on your part. You cannot expect him to make the changes.  Are you/he/both in T? Would you consider it if not?

Have you checked out The Lessons on The Staying Board? There is a lot of information about BPD and communication tools to learn in an effort to better manage life with a pwBPD.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[wishfulthinking]

I have been trying to learn to live with it, I've been doing pretty good and he hasn't been raging lately.  Yesterday he didn't, either... . just got mad at me instead of taking the blame of overdrawing the checking account.  He "intended" to put the money back the next morning, but got sick so didn't get paid.  He forgets that it still wouldn't have been in on time and we would still have been overdrawn and charged.  The bank will only waive so many.  I found out, I texted him to check and to defuse the situation so he would have time to calm down from his own guilt, but he didn't read it and when I came home, I was near tears and upset, so I didn't say much.  So, because I let that upset me and didn't come home and movie embrace him with love, it started the whole you don't love me thing he's been on the past 2 days anyway.  So I told him all the things I do to show my love because I snapped, too.  He just stayed quiet and never said a word and then got mad later because I didn't snuggle with him all night.  WTH?  Earlier he said he was sick of me.  I'm supposed to snuggle now?  When he says that stuff in a rage, it's almost easier to blow off.  When he's half calm and says it, it stings more. Not sure why... .

I tried to get into T but he freaked out and said the only person I'm allowed to counsel with is a pastor, and I don't think they are qualified... . .

Thanks, VAL78... . I appreciate your time and help.

[wishfulthinking]

So last night, I reached out and made him a list of all the things I love about him.  Trying to show love, you know... . Anyway, I'm not even sure he read it.  He hasn't commented on it at all, but then again... . when I do something nice and romantic like that, he never does... . but I'm expected to gush when he does... . but I digress.

I told him I get that he's sick of me and if he wants a way out, I'll give it to him.  He got kind of sad (instead of mad for once) and said he isn't sick of me, he is sick of other things.  Money issues, me not coming to him for things, him not being the main provider, and he's jealous of the way I talk with my best friend, but can't talk to him like that.  Things are smooth so far today, but it's early and his phone is about to be shut off because he didn't pay the bill.  He actually took responsibility for that this morning, too... . said if he hadn't bought frivilous things he would have had the money to pay it and he knew it was coming due... . I was pretty much speechless... . .

Thanks, everyone for your support on this.  How do we all do it?

[atlast64]

Your posts are mirrors of my life for the last 20+ years.  I made the decision to leave, and believe me it will not be easy to disengage from our marriage due mostly to joint business ventures and shared lifestyle activities. 

I have accepted that what I thought I could have in my marriage was "idealization" on my part, not the reality that was at the core of directing our future.  My dreams and goals were based on what I believed could be reality, once I could "fix" the problems that we had and "help" him to understand how he would benefit in the future once he "saw" that things could get better. 

It took physical aggression on his part towards me, changing my thought he "probably" would never actually harm me to become "possibly" he will harm me, for me to understand I could not continue in our marriage as it was. 

The day I drove away from our home with my body and belongings intact brought me a sense of liberation.  It has not been without challenges these past weeks, but having the support of my family, and being able to look forward to moving on into another home of my own has given me fuel for my fire.  I also depend heavily on prayer and the Word.  Even though I am dealing with roadblocks now starting from my husband with regard to my home purchase, I have determined I will have to let our lawyers and their fees be the answer. 

Sorry if this might not be what you wanted to hear with regard to having hope for your marriage.  As a senior citizen, I decided my personal peace and liberty to enjoy a chunk of my life without having to do the BPD "dance" were the options that made the most sense to me. 

If you do decide to stay and probably continue to hear how sick he is of you, you will need a fresh pair of "dancing" shoes frequently.  Push yourself into T, and seek it through your Pastor if necessary.  That is the avenue I took, and my Pastor worked with me regularly along side the professional help I received from the reference he gave me to a Christian counselor.  Remember above all, you are a child of God, and he has plans of good for you, to prosper you and not to harm you -- some of his many promises!

[wishfulthinking]

Hmmm... . a Christian counselor... . I may look into that since my uBPDh is against regular therapists for me/us and said we need to look to God to get us through and if we need to talk go to our Pastor.  Thing is... . his pastor is not mine and I don't have one because I bounced churches trying to find a home.  He and his pastor are at odds right now, too... . because of both the BPD, I'm sure, and also my uBPDh was engaged before and that chick started a bunch of rumors in the church which got my uBPDh removed from his ministry position.  I have verified that situation with many people and it's not one of his BPD halucinations of how he was wronged.

[Validation78]

Hi Lost!

Glad you have found some peace today!

Just a couple of things. There are number of things that you will find helpful in communicating with a pwBPD, one of which is validation. See, you found out in a round about way, that he is just plain sick of "things", not you. If you validate his feelings, letting him know that you are listening, you can also ask questions, and find out the feelings behind the words. Sometimes it's not what we think. As I suggested before, there are many tools in The Lessons.

Regarding counseling, if you are not familiar with DBT or Schema Therapy, they are 2 treatments that are widely accepted as successful means to address BPD. Not that there is anything wrong with Christian Counseling at all, it just may not be what a pwBPD needs to deal with a very serious mental illness. Many of us have found that MC doesn't help because both parties have to take responsibility for their parts, and often, pwBPD cannot do that. 

Best Wishes,

Val78