Does anyone warn a new "T" beforehand?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Title basically says it all.  When starting with a new therapist, do you give them a heads up on the BPD?

[wishfulthinking]

Title basically says it all.  When starting with a new therapist, do you give them a heads up on the BPD?

[HopefulDad]

After debating the pros and cons about this, I actually did and am glad I did.  My biggest fear was biasing the therapist beforehand, but here's the thing:  Therapists have heard *everything* from their clients.  For all the therapist knows after hearing this from me, *I* could be the one with BPD and projecting it on my BPDw.  I even mentioned this and the therapist confirmed that yes, they do not take such warnings as truth, but rather file it away to revisit as needed.

We haven't revisited this in any followup, either in joint therapy or a private conversation.  Should that time come, I'll post an update.

ETA: Note this only applies to any joint therapy.  As for my wife's individual therapy, I stay out of that.

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you, HopefulDad.  We tried MC before with the one that told me the diagnosis of BPD/NPD.  My BPDh stopped going because the T told him he was wrong in a situation and that he couldn't force me to feel a certain way, nor should he even try.  My BPDh is not living with me now and knows he needs to figure himself out before we continue.  I told him that HE is to choose a new MC and he WILL go or we will not continue at all.  I am concerned he will snowball the new T and we will be hindered more than helped.

[HopefulDad]

Thank you, HopefulDad.  We tried MC before with the one that told me the diagnosis of BPD/NPD.  My BPDh stopped going because the T told him he was wrong in a situation and that he couldn't force me to feel a certain way, nor should he even try.  My BPDh is not living with me now and knows he needs to figure himself out before we continue.  I told him that HE is to choose a new MC and he WILL go or we will not continue at all.  I am concerned he will snowball the new T and we will be hindered more than helped.

My situation is very similar: Tried one MC, BPDw painted him black after enough visits, MC revealed the BPD diagnosis to me in private, we got separated, then decided to try again with a new MC to whom I revealed the diagnosis before starting the sessions.

My biggest concern was more related to gauging how experienced the new MC was at recognizing and diagnosing BPD.  It's tough to have that conversation without revealing the story why I'm asking such questions.

[an0ught]

1) Your husband wants a T with a fresh look.

2) The T probably wants to meet clients first with an unbiased mind.

3) Both need to form a relationship based on trust.

You racing ahead will take 1+2 away from them forever. It will make 3 more difficult for the T.

How do you think they will feel about it?

[rl669]

I have to say that I did tip our MC off that I suspected my wife had BPD. I felt that, since my wife is able to maintain a very plausible facade when it's in her interests, I personally would get nothing out of the sessions unless I at least planted the idea in the MC's mind that my wife might have an issue.

The previous time we went for counselling, the MC's concluding remarks at the end of our final session were "Mrs RL669 - you should try not to be such a perfectionist, and Mr RL669 - you need to help your wife out more around the house". Short of calling my wife a liar during any MC sessions, I couldn't see another way of avoiding the new MC coming to the same conclusion.

In the event, I shouldn't have worried, because during an early session, my wife described a crazy spell she'd had, in a completely matter-of-fact way, leaving no doubt that she is away in la-la land.

[wishfulthinking]

BPD/NPDh is very skilled at manipulation.  He can fool anyone who doesn't know him well enough for him to rage at.  I would hate to be put in the position of him snowballing the MC and me left sitting there with no help at all.

[ApChagi1]

We have been in MC for awhile and all it seems to accomplish is re-igniting fights we already had during the week so we can fight about them again all weekend after our Saturday appointment.  I specifically chose this therapist because her profile said she had experience with BPD, but it has become clear she is not very familiar with it. 

I'd like to find a different MC or even stop altogether, but even suggesting this creates a meltdown from my dBPDw, so I feel like I'm stuck in this endless cycle.