Accidentally seeing my ex and the new girl

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been a year since I was finally able to make no contact with my ex who was abusive and cheating for 5 years.  He would always tell me that he will marry me, have a family but cheat on me nonetheless.  The other day I was grocery shopping and I bumped into him and his new girl/wife? who was a few months pregnant.  Last year this time he was talking about marriage and kids and now he lives with a girl and she's very pregnant.  He used to tell me how he was looking for this perfect girl and this girl looks nothing like what he was ever looking for.  It makes me feel bad, thinking maybe it was my fault and she is so much better, even though she didn't look like it... .  I tried so hard to forget him and am trying to date again, but I don't understand why this is making me so depressed and feeling unworthy.  Is this normal?

[Unique135]

It has been a year since I was finally able to make no contact with my ex who was abusive and cheating for 5 years.  He would always tell me that he will marry me, have a family but cheat on me nonetheless.  The other day I was grocery shopping and I bumped into him and his new girl/wife? who was a few months pregnant.  Last year this time he was talking about marriage and kids and now he lives with a girl and she's very pregnant.  He used to tell me how he was looking for this perfect girl and this girl looks nothing like what he was ever looking for.  It makes me feel bad, thinking maybe it was my fault and she is so much better, even though she didn't look like it... .  I tried so hard to forget him and am trying to date again, but I don't understand why this is making me so depressed and feeling unworthy.  Is this normal?

[Mutt]

Hi Unique135,

I can see how that would be triggering running into your ex while grocery shopping and seeing his girlfriend very pregnant and he was talking about marriage and kids.

I think that a relationship takes two people and we don't need to take the lion's share of the blame for the break-up of a r/s. You were with him for 5 years and have a long history with him. I can relate with feeling bad because I didn't do enough or I did something wrong and my ex wife left me. I suffered from low self esteem, I went into the relationship and I started to believe my ex partners projections over several years and when she suddenly and abruptly ended the relationship and it decimated my self esteem.

I am a bit of a mess right now though - I feel like I too have BPD, that I wasted the good years  of my life rejecting normal guys just to be with him.  

You felt like you had wasted a few good years of your life rejecting normal guys to be with him a few months ago. I understand seeing him can be triggering.

[Unique135]

Hi Unique135,

I can see how that would be triggering running into your ex while grocery shopping and seeing his girlfriend very pregnant and he was talking about marriage and kids.

I think that a relationship takes two people and we don't need to take the lion's share of the blame for the break-up of a r/s. You were with him for 5 years and have a long history with him. I can relate with feeling bad because I didn't do enough or I did something wrong and my ex wife left me. I suffered from low self esteem, I went into the relationship and I started to believe my ex partners projections over several years and when she suddenly and abruptly ended the relationship and it decimated my self esteem.

I am a bit of a mess right now though - I feel like I too have BPD, that I wasted the good years  of my life rejecting normal guys just to be with him.  

You felt like you had wasted a few good years of your life rejecting normal guys to be with him a few months ago. I understand seeing him can be triggering.

Hello Mutt,

Thank you for you reply.  I get very conflicted, and I do know that I may have some issues of my own.  Deep down I know that he is not the sort of man I want to be with or have children with but at the same time it's hard to see the fact that you worked so hard for such a long time to have the things that was you dreamed of with the guy, wasting time and energy, and seeing him with someone else who is enjoying those things with him a year after break up.  He used to cheat all the time and was always online trying to find women whilst with me but after finding this girl and getting her pregnant, he has completely stopped doing those things.  It is disheartening and at the same time slap on the face to know that all your work was for nothing and that I don't deserve any of those things even though I was always there for him.

Thanks again!

[enlighten me]

Hi Unique135

In answer to your question. Yes it does seem to be the norm to feel that way. There are numerous posts here on the subject.

Its a perfectly understandable emotion. I felt the same myself. It does get easier and it does fade away. I came to accept that no matter what I did I could never be what my ex wanted as that changed from one day to the next. All it would take was for someone to mention something and she could do a 180.

I know that for me I left the relationship not knowing up from down. I can see now that I began to believe some of her stuff about me and to doubt myself. It didn't surprise me that I also thought my replacement might make it. Now after they've been in a long distance relationship so to speak for a year I think its coming to an end. He wasn't the answer to her prayers just a distraction to her problems.

[Unique135]

Hi Unique135

In answer to your question. Yes it does seem to be the norm to feel that way. There are numerous posts here on the subject.

Its a perfectly understandable emotion. I felt the same myself. It does get easier and it does fade away. I came to accept that no matter what I did I could never be what my ex wanted as that changed from one day to the next. All it would take was for someone to mention something and she could do a 180.

I know that for me I left the relationship not knowing up from down. I can see now that I began to believe some of her stuff about me and to doubt myself. It didn't surprise me that I also thought my replacement might make it. Now after they've been in a long distance relationship so to speak for a year I think its coming to an end. He wasn't the answer to her prayers just a distraction to her problems.

Funny things is the replacement girlfriend who is now pregnant is like me when I met him 5 years ago.  She is the caring type, the teacher who loves to take care of kids and him, the dependent one who idolizes him and basically babysits him.  She is also the same age as I was when I met him.  Long story short, I became bad because I changed and no longer was dependent on him and he could not control me.  I feel bad for the girl as well, since he will definitely cheat on her as well, and sooner or later blame everything on her.  The problem is she cannot get out and be on her own and she will stick around for a while.

I actually feel stupid for feeling this way after knowing about all this but I am not sure what it is that gets me obsessed with him.  I guess I do have to do some more work to heal from everything.

Thanks!

[Mutt]

Hi Unique135,

You're welcome. I think what can feel devastating are the dreams that are taken away from the disorder when we work so hard to try to keep things together and it's like a switch that's flipped. We can be split black and the person that loved us so much change and hate us.

When my ex cheated and had an affair it wasn't so much about me, I did self protect and pushed as well because I have intimacy issues, she did it because she wasn't coping in the relationship and needs someone to take care of her. She returned to her emotional baseline and was happy in the idealization phase of her new relationship with her boyfriend. She put him on a pedestal like she had put me on a pedestal 10 years ago and she's slowly splitting him black ( like she had done to me ) and slowly splitting me white. She has a history of chaotic interpersonal relationships. That is BPD.

I have to agree with you that he may treat her the same way and cheat on her as well. Past behaviors can predict future behaviors.

[Unique135]

Hi Unique135,

You're welcome. I think what can feel devastating are the dreams that are taken away from the disorder when we work so hard to try to keep things together and it's like a switch that's flipped. We can be split black and the person that loved us so much change and hate us.

When my ex cheated and had an affair it wasn't so much about me, I did self protect and pushed as well because I have intimacy issues, she did it because she wasn't coping in the relationship and needs someone to take care of her. She returned to her emotional baseline and was happy in the idealization phase of her new relationship with her boyfriend. She put him on a pedestal like she had put me on a pedestal 10 years ago and she's slowly splitting him black ( like she had done to me ) and slowly splitting me white. She has a history of chaotic interpersonal relationships. That is BPD.

I have to agree with you that he may treat her the same way and cheat on her as well. Past behaviors can predict future behaviors.

Thank you very much for your reply.  I am slowly trying to understand that I just CANNOT understand him.  I am just not able to fathom how an individual is able to change so quickly.

[Mutt]

Hi Unique135,

You're welcome. I think what can feel devastating are the dreams that are taken away from the disorder when we work so hard to try to keep things together and it's like a switch that's flipped. We can be split black and the person that loved us so much change and hate us.

When my ex cheated and had an affair it wasn't so much about me, I did self protect and pushed as well because I have intimacy issues, she did it because she wasn't coping in the relationship and needs someone to take care of her. She returned to her emotional baseline and was happy in the idealization phase of her new relationship with her boyfriend. She put him on a pedestal like she had put me on a pedestal 10 years ago and she's slowly splitting him black ( like she had done to me ) and slowly splitting me white. She has a history of chaotic interpersonal relationships. That is BPD.

I have to agree with you that he may treat her the same way and cheat on her as well. Past behaviors can predict future behaviors.

Thank you very much for your reply.  I am slowly trying to understand that I just CANNOT understand him.  I am just not able to fathom how an individual is able to change so quickly.

I can relate with that feeling with not understanding why someone can change so quickly. I was married and we were together for several years and it was like our history was erased in her mind.

I felt the abandonment depression after she had abandoned me, it was a traumatic event, I had an emotional reaction from loss and grieved the relationship and have reached acceptance

A pwBPD  can't feel what their defense mechanisms prevent them to to feel with loss and "inhibited grieving" can be unhealthily channeled with self sabotage, anger and acting out.

My ex has to go through intensive therapy to process loss and grief, nearly three years post break up, she's a committed to the same person, she has acted out when she found out I was spending time with a new female friend.

She had an affair, left with him, has been in a committed relationship for three years, the jealousy and acting out directed at me doesn't make logical sense.