Techniques for getting 'unstuck'

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post in the Personal Inventory board; until now I've been in 'Leaving'. I think it's time to start posting in here, because lately I've been feeling stuck in a rut and I need some help to start moving again.

To give my context, I had a very close friend diagnosed with BPD and we eventually became a couple. All his previous romantic relationships had ended in flames but I was convinced that ours would be different. I was wrong. Being in an intimate relationship seemed to intensify all his problems and revealed a cruel vicious streak that I had only guessed at, never really seen. He was emotionally abusive, and even though our relationship was relatively short (as are all his relationships) it was long enough to damage me. It's been four months exactly since I went NC (the best decision I could have made - I'm proud of myself for taking it) and while I've made some good progress I seem to have stalled lately. Reading other people's posts in the Leaving forum, which used to help and comfort me by reassuring me I wasn't on my own with this, now just trigger upsetting frightening memories and possibly perpetuate my grief. I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I may never speak to him or see him again. Initially I went NC with the idea that it would be temporary, until I had recovered enough from the relationship to restore the friendship we'd had before. Now I have to accept that this may or may not happen, and whatever the future might hold, I have to build a life for myself now. The question is how.

I have got over the worst of the grief and the pain, I think. I'm no longer debilitated by it, although it's a constant ache and I'm always aware of it. But I have plateaued here in this uncomfortable place. I have a long way to go before I truly feel better and now I am not moving. Can anyone else relate to this sensation of being stuck? What are your strategies for getting yourself out of the rut and back on your way?

[balletomane]

This is my first post in the Personal Inventory board; until now I've been in 'Leaving'. I think it's time to start posting in here, because lately I've been feeling stuck in a rut and I need some help to start moving again.

To give my context, I had a very close friend diagnosed with BPD and we eventually became a couple. All his previous romantic relationships had ended in flames but I was convinced that ours would be different. I was wrong. Being in an intimate relationship seemed to intensify all his problems and revealed a cruel vicious streak that I had only guessed at, never really seen. He was emotionally abusive, and even though our relationship was relatively short (as are all his relationships) it was long enough to damage me. It's been four months exactly since I went NC (the best decision I could have made - I'm proud of myself for taking it) and while I've made some good progress I seem to have stalled lately. Reading other people's posts in the Leaving forum, which used to help and comfort me by reassuring me I wasn't on my own with this, now just trigger upsetting frightening memories and possibly perpetuate my grief. I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I may never speak to him or see him again. Initially I went NC with the idea that it would be temporary, until I had recovered enough from the relationship to restore the friendship we'd had before. Now I have to accept that this may or may not happen, and whatever the future might hold, I have to build a life for myself now. The question is how.

I have got over the worst of the grief and the pain, I think. I'm no longer debilitated by it, although it's a constant ache and I'm always aware of it. But I have plateaued here in this uncomfortable place. I have a long way to go before I truly feel better and now I am not moving. Can anyone else relate to this sensation of being stuck? What are your strategies for getting yourself out of the rut and back on your way?

[eeks]

Hi balletomane, welcome to the Personal Inventory board! 

Reading other people's posts in the Leaving forum, which used to help and comfort me by reassuring me I wasn't on my own with this, now just trigger upsetting frightening memories and possibly perpetuate my grief.

Interesting observation.  Do you think it might be indicative of an emotional shift in you?  Being ready for something different? 

I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I may never speak to him or see him again. Initially I went NC with the idea that it would be temporary, until I had recovered enough from the relationship to restore the friendship we'd had before. Now I have to accept that this may or may not happen, and whatever the future might hold, I have to build a life for myself now. The question is how.

I have got over the worst of the grief and the pain, I think. I'm no longer debilitated by it, although it's a constant ache and I'm always aware of it. But I have plateaued here in this uncomfortable place. I have a long way to go before I truly feel better and now I am not moving. Can anyone else relate to this sensation of being stuck? What are your strategies for getting yourself out of the rut and back on your way?

So when you say "stuck", you mean that you still experience painful emotions with respect to your former relationship with a pwBPD, and you have processed a lot of them, but right now it feels like the emotions are the same level of intensity, and not really shifting? 

Or do you mean that you want to build a life for yourself, but find that you have difficulty taking action towards that and that's where you're stuck?

[balletomane]

I'm definitely ready for something different. After all the gaslighting it was such a relief to read other people's stories, see the patterns and the parallels, and know that it wasn't just me. But I've got past the stage where I need that "Me too!" affirmation. I've accepted that my ex is ill and I have more-or-less accepted that I couldn't have changed him (sometimes I still wobble on this). Now that the initial paralysing grief and numbness have worn off, I need something other than empathy and a sense of shared experience.

So when you say "stuck", you mean that you still experience painful emotions with respect to your former relationship with a pwBPD, and you have processed a lot of them, but right now it feels like the emotions are the same level of intensity, and not really shifting? 

Or do you mean that you want to build a life for yourself, but find that you have difficulty taking action towards that and that's where you're stuck?

Both. As I said, I'm no longer in really debilitating pain. At first it was bad - I became underweight because I couldn't eat, sleep was hard, and I never knew when the tears would start falling. I pushed myself through that by socialising with friends even when I just wanted to curl up under my quilt and hide, and by keeping myself as busy as I could. The pain is not like that any more, thank God. But I still feel weighed down and sad in a quieter way, as though I've got a heavy suitcase to carry that I'm never allowed to put down. It's been like this for a couple of months with no change (discounting flashbacks, when the hurt hits me harder again). I want to find a way to drop the case.

I don't think I have difficulty taking action towards a new life. It's more that I don't know what action to take. I've tried all the things I can think of - seeing friends more, trying new hobbies, exercising, being more regular in my sleep pattern, trying to plan my day more efficiently, resisting the urge to look at my ex's Facebook profile (I unfriended him but he posts some things publicly). Despite these changes I'm still conscious of that suitcase weighing me down, and the ache that comes from the continued effort of going on. Perhaps it will take time and it's just a matter of faking it until I make it.

[eeks]

I don't think I have difficulty taking action towards a new life. It's more that I don't know what action to take. I've tried all the things I can think of - seeing friends more, trying new hobbies, exercising, being more regular in my sleep pattern, trying to plan my day more efficiently, resisting the urge to look at my ex's Facebook profile (I unfriended him but he posts some things publicly). Despite these changes I'm still conscious of that suitcase weighing me down, and the ache that comes from the continued effort of going on. Perhaps it will take time and it's just a matter of faking it until I make it.

That's great to hear, that you're able to maintain the structure and routine around habits and behaviours that nourish you.  I was going to ask about that, because it's an important "foundation".  It sounds like you are still processing some of the emotions from the abusive relationship that you were in. 

I had taken on a lot of my uBPD ex's judgments about me, and started to question my own character and morals, and wonder if I really had the self-serving motives he said I did.  One of the things that going NC did for me is, I remember realizing that "hey, I just 'got my own perception of myself' back!"  However, my situation might be different than yours in that I already knew I had anxiety disorder, and I was already in therapy, so after that relationship for me it was more about continuing the work I was already doing towards my mental health. 

You haven't mentioned seeing a therapist, but it might be something to consider, especially if you feel "stuck" with regards to emotions around a relationship that has ended, and you're finding that self-care (regular sleep, seeing friends, all the healthy habits you mentioned) helped but the "suitcase" is still there. 

I am also wondering if a mindfulness practice specifically oriented to working with emotions might be useful.  I suggest that because even if you do decide to get therapy as well, you say the emotion is "a suitcase weighing you down", that makes it sound like it's there all the time?  Just out of curiosity I did a search for "getting unstuck" and found there's an audiobook by Pema Chodron by that name.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rql2mA5HoA  Looks interesting, I might check it out myself.  I haven't read any of Tara Brach's books but I think her work is along these lines as well.

I personally did not find cognitive-behavioural techniques helpful (although that was several years ago, things are always worth another look I guess) but another way of working with this emotion that you experience on a consistent basis might be looking for the thoughts that precede or are associated with it, and find any "cognitive distortions" that might be there.   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey ballet-

It sounds like you're working hard at detaching, and good for you!  Sometimes when we feel stuck it's because we're stuck in a timeframe, past, present or future, and it's natural when we've been through a traumatic experience to focus on the past, necessary even, as we process what happened and remake sense of the world.  When we've had enough of that it can be helpful to consciously focus on the present, which you've been doing, and the future;  when we've been beat up and don't know what's next, the good news is it's an opportunity to design a life from scratch, one we're excited about living, and that starts with a vision, followed by steps towards that vision, which builds momentum, and before you know it you're living that life, and the past just fades on its own.  So what does an empowered future look like for you?

[balletomane]

Thanks for the suggestions and input.

I have found a therapist but I have not actually scheduled an appointment yet. I am actually a therapist myself, albeit in a completely different field - I specialise in work with people who have severe neurological or intellectual disabilities and are experiencing emotional distress on top of that. While this gives me some good insight into things I might potentially do to help myself, in another way it's a hindrance as for obvious reasons it would be awkward for me to approach someone who is employed by the same mental health trust as I am, whom I might bump into as a colleague in future. I want to keep some distance between my personal and professional life. This meant looking outside my geographical area. On top of that, as with so many people emerging from an abusive relationship, I feel very vulnerable about sharing what happened to me. An Internet forum is one thing, but 'real life' is another. I am coping pretty well overall but I'm not sure I could talk it through with someone verbally without re-traumatising myself and setting myself back, which is why I have chosen a therapist who works with expressive arts - I sense that those would be more helpful to me right now, as they would enable me to work through the issues more obliquely without necessarily having to explain in words. I need to find the bravery to schedule my first appointment.

eeks, what you say about getting your own perception of yourself back resonates really strongly. Last night I got into a political discussion with someone who had very different views to me, and one of the things I marvelled at was how unafraid I felt. One thing I could not do with my ex was express any disagreement on anything, because he always took it personally and could turn very spiteful. If I had a dissenting opinion from him I learned to hide it or at least to downplay it, just to keep the peace and prevent him from turning on me. Towards the end I was hyper-vigilant to any sign of disagreement and would start to feel sick and get sweaty palms if one looked like it might be developing. Last night I was nervous, in the way someone trying out ice skating for the first time might be nervous, but when the person I was debating with stayed polite and didn't start sneering or making angry accusations about me, I felt amazing - as though I'd really taken off on those ice skates. Reflecting on it later, I started to remember how confident I was before my ex tore me down, how I had enjoyed challenging discussions without fear. I'm starting to get little glimpses of my previous life and of a better future life, and I'm feeling much happier in myself too, in spite of that suitcase.

From heeltoheal, I've decided that for the future I want to be more creative and spend more time on my music and writing. These were past-times that suffered when I was with my ex. In fairness that wasn't his fault, but it was a side effect of how paralysed I felt during the relationship. It is a good suggestion to focus more on what I want to happen. I think part of my 'stuckness' may stem from the fact that I was just concentrating on getting from day to day without any thought for what might come next, or that I might have some control over that.

[fromheeltoheal]

From heeltoheal, I've decided that for the future I want to be more creative and spend more time on my music and writing. These were past-times that suffered when I was with my ex. In fairness that wasn't his fault, but it was a side effect of how paralysed I felt during the relationship. It is a good suggestion to focus more on what I want to happen. I think part of my 'stuckness' may stem from the fact that I was just concentrating on getting from day to day without any thought for what might come next, or that I might have some control over that.

Nice ballet! 

I think part of my 'stuckness' may stem from the fact that I was just concentrating on getting from day to day without any thought for what might come next, or that I might have some control over that.

That's what I meant by being stuck in a timeframe, sounds like you've been stuck in the present?

To nudge you in the direction you say you want, the way to make a vision a goal is to make it measurable, and the way to make a goal a plan is to schedule it.  So first, fully associate to your music and your writing, what do you see, what do you hear, what do you feel, how does it make you feel, how good does it feel to connect with who you're becoming as you pursue that vision?  And then make it measurable: you'll create one piece of music and one piece of writing by Thanksgiving, for example.  Then, break the measurable goal down to manageable chunks and schedule those, have the piano tuned by next Friday, buy guitar strings on Tuesday, treat your self to a new pen and fancy paper by Thursday.  And then do those, and reward yourself for doing them, and keep building the plan, keeping everything measurable and specific.  So what's first?  By when?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey balletomane, It's OK to be uncertain about the next step.  One possibility is that you are out of touch with yourself, which is easy to do in a r/s with a pwBPD.  I forgot who I was for a while there during my marriage, which was a frightening experience.  To paraphrase Dante, I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.

You may recall that, in Greek mythology, Theseus finds his way out of the Cave of the Minotaur by following the thread he unwinds upon entering the maze.  In similar fashion, I suggest that one way out of the BPD Cave is to pick up the "thread" of your life, in order to find your path again.

Pay attention to the little things that intrigue or interest you, which are clues to your deeper self.  Listen to your gut feelings.  You get the idea.

LuckyJim

[balletomane]

Both of you have given good advice. It's been a stressful couple of months for me, as I'm approaching the end of my PhD and worrying about what comes next - I'm finding that I'm viewed as overqualified for many of the jobs I used to work in before I started it, but lacking the practical experience to do the type of work that other students in my cohort are applying for. My CV is very research-heavy and this has put me in a catch-22 situation. Today, rather than worry about it, I decided to just scribble down a hasty free-form list of things I would like to do in future and then think about how to get there. 'Speech and language pathology and therapy' was one of the first things to go down on the list. I have been thinking about this career off and on for the past ten years, but there was always something to stop me pursuing it. Putting it on paper so decisively made me see clearly that it's something I really want, and it also gave me ideas for innovative healthcare: I wouldn't be leaving psychotherapy altogether, I could incorporate it into a practice for clients with speech and language problems. This suits me down to the ground. It's also not an idea that's associated with my ex. So now I will be looking into a career change.

The stress has also made me see my ex more clearly: I always thought he was my biggest comfort and reassurance in uncertain times. He could be kind and supportive, it's true, there were days when he would react with anger to my need for support, and I always felt as though I was playing Russian roulette because I never knew what the response would be. It is much easier to plan for the future with that out of my life.

[Beach_Babe]

Wow can I relate to this! Word for word almost. I wish I had the answer.

How are you doing today balletomane?

[balletomane]

Yesterday was a hard day, today has been a bit better, thank you for asking. Occasionally I fall thigh-deep into sadness and hurt again, and yesterday was one of those days. I kept wondering if he ever thinks of me. I am sure he can't, not like I think about him, anyway - every day, many times a day. It hurts to know that I am just like one of those many other friends and past partners who litter his history, not particularly remembered except maybe as a source of sob stories or funny anecdotes to tell his new gf. It hurts to imagine him talking to her about me in the way he used to tell me about the others. And he was my best friend. I thought I was his. Sometimes it feels as though the pain has eaten into my bone marrow and it will never be gone completely.

But I am coping. I am moving on even when I don't see it. Today I taught my first graduate seminar and I had good feedback, even though I was under-prepared and feeling low. I had never seen myself as good at teaching before but I've now had positive feedback from both undergrads and postgrads. It means a lot to me that I was able to stand up there and conduct a good seminar even though I was having a bad day. I am trying to focus on my ability to get on with life in spite of the feelings rather than dwelling on the feelings themselves too much.

I'm listening to some music by Sarah Brightman. It's my first time hearing this song and these lines just came up: "Was there a moment when I felt no pain? / I want to feel it in my life again. / Let it be over now." That's me, exactly.

[DaKid]

Yesterday was a hard day, today has been a bit better, thank you for asking. Occasionally I fall thigh-deep into sadness and hurt again, and yesterday was one of those days. I kept wondering if he ever thinks of me. I am sure he can't, not like I think about him, anyway - every day, many times a day. It hurts to know that I am just like one of those many other friends and past partners who litter his history, not particularly remembered except maybe as a source of sob stories or funny anecdotes to tell his new gf. It hurts to imagine him talking to her about me in the way he used to tell me about the others. And he was my best friend. I thought I was his. Sometimes it feels as though the pain has eaten into my bone marrow and it will never be gone completely.

But I am coping. I am moving on even when I don't see it. Today I taught my first graduate seminar and I had good feedback, even though I was under-prepared and feeling low. I had never seen myself as good at teaching before but I've now had positive feedback from both undergrads and postgrads. It means a lot to me that I was able to stand up there and conduct a good seminar even though I was having a bad day. I am trying to focus on my ability to get on with life in spite of the feelings rather than dwelling on the feelings themselves too much.

I'm listening to some music by Sarah Brightman. It's my first time hearing this song and these lines just came up: "Was there a moment when I felt no pain? / I want to feel it in my life again. / Let it be over now." That's me, exactly.

Wow. This is almost word for word exactly how I am feeling right now. Even the work part as well. This totally sucks. And I am right there with you... .

[eeks]

I kept wondering if he ever thinks of me. I am sure he can't, not like I think about him, anyway - every day, many times a day. It hurts to know that I am just like one of those many other friends and past partners who litter his history, not particularly remembered except maybe as a source of sob stories or funny anecdotes to tell his new gf. It hurts to imagine him talking to her about me in the way he used to tell me about the others. And he was my best friend. I thought I was his. Sometimes it feels as though the pain has eaten into my bone marrow and it will never be gone completely.

I think I'm hearing something in here about... .believing and feeling you are special to someone, and that person is special to you... .and just having that belief ruptured in such a painful way?  That it has a particular impact on you to realize you are "just one of those many other"?

For me a similar realization helped me to detach.  If I am not special to him, and everybody who cares about him eventually joins the "people who have done me wrong" list, then can anybody really be special to him in the way I desired to be?  Unlikely.  

However, it sounds like this scenario you describe has a different significance for you, and evokes different feelings, and that's what might be worth exploring.

[Eye438]

Hi balletomane, welcome to the Personal Inventory board! 

Reading other people's posts in the Leaving forum, which used to help and comfort me by reassuring me I wasn't on my own with this, now just trigger upsetting frightening memories and possibly perpetuate my grief.

Interesting observation.  Do you think it might be indicative of an emotional shift in you?  Being ready for something different? 

I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I may never speak to him or see him again. Initially I went NC with the idea that it would be temporary, until I had recovered enough from the relationship to restore the friendship we'd had before. Now I have to accept that this may or may not happen, and whatever the future might hold, I have to build a life for myself now. The question is how.

I have got over the worst of the grief and the pain, I think. I'm no longer debilitated by it, although it's a constant ache and I'm always aware of it. But I have plateaued here in this uncomfortable place. I have a long way to go before I truly feel better and now I am not moving. Can anyone else relate to this sensation of being stuck? What are your strategies for getting yourself out of the rut and back on your way?

So when you say "stuck", you mean that you still experience painful emotions with respect to your former relationship with a pwBPD, and you have processed a lot of them, but right now it feels like the emotions are the same level of intensity, and not really shifting? 

Or do you mean that you want to build a life for yourself, but find that you have difficulty taking action towards that and that's where you're stuck?

I can most certainly relate to the stuck when all of those unhealthy emotions stemming from codependency arise and then the stunning revelations that I have been afflicted by codependency all of my life. I read a lot, think excessively and go thru ups and downs within myself on a daily basis. My pwBPDex of 5 years ended 4 months ago, she is in jail for a while. My struggle is becoming more and more about me, this BPD relationship was the grand daddy of all of my unhealthy relationships, it has blasted my emotions wide open and suddenly seeing the big picture all at once.  Where do I begin., there is too much, I just wanted to be loved, that's all!:sign_attn: Now attention is on me, and I don't want to see my shortcomings but in order to move forward in a healthy way I must face my own codependency which have never been addressed by me or anyone. I can't control someone into loving me but I know I need to love myself, that's rough right now. I am reading this sight up and down, also purcased books that were recommended and find myself in need of more solitude in order to rebuild myself in a healthy way without anyone else's expectations, a big one for me. Trying to heal and cope with people you can trust is a good start. I am in a place in my life that I thought I would never been in, "what me needing help"? No way, never!  Or me not being able to help and the me with no boundaries!

I know I rambled but it's good for me at least to release all of these feelings somewhere like this site s saving me from my own demise! Hope that helps in this discussion, it helps me. Thank you for reading.