It's Nothing Personal ~ Anonymous

[bAlex]

It's Nothing Personal: A Woman With BPD Explains Her Actions in Romantic Relationships
 
I'll be the first to step up to the confessional and admit that what I do is irrational.
 
It's funny that my non-borderline partners think I am attacking them because I feel the same way. Most of my actions are done in self-defense to protect myself from some perceived threat. Here are several behaviors I have displayed in romantic relationships and the reasoning behind them:
 
Purposely broken a gift you gave me
 
I did this because sometimes I get filled with rage that is hard to control. You may have hurt my feelings, and when I'm upset I get destructive. Weird as it sounds, destroying things you have given me hurts my feelings too. I may have felt a strong sense of self-hatred and may have wanted to inflict some emotional pain on myself too. At times people with borderline personality disorder can become masochistic due to repetition compulsion, a desire to repeat previous experiences of emotional pain in hopes they can be resolved on a conscious level.
 
Flirted with several other people at a time or having a crush on others while I'm still dating you
 
I have a short attention span and people intrigue me. I'm not planning to hook-up with any of them, so what's the problem? I love you, you know that. When I meet someone new, I generally put them on a pedestal since I think so badly of myself. I don't know the new person well enough to be appalled by their flaws. Once I see who they really are, beyond superficial charm and first impression, the enchantment quickly fades away. Infatuation and idealization are easily mixed up since they are so closely connected.
 
Said some of the most cutthroat things you've ever heard
 
I felt hurt and I was retaliating, I am used to chaos, and things in our relationship were going too smoothly. Or, I am playing mind games to see if you really love me. I often project my deepest fears and insecurities on relationships and try to sabotage them.
 
Talked about suicide even though I know it hurts you
 
I have so much angst and depression that sometimes it seems like the only option. It's nothing personal, and most things you'll try do to cheer me up simply won't work. I often cannot comprehend the profound impact my actions will have upon those around me. I may even feel like my death will be a relief to you so you will no longer need to deal with my disorder. Guilt, intense self loathing, emptiness and chronic inability to experience pleasure often cause my prolonged thoughts of suicide.
 
Pulled a ":)r. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"
 
I have rapid mood swings, and with them come sudden and unpredictable personality changes. Often I experience emotional amnesia and my perspective on life oscillates with my constant mood swings. I need some more therapy, so there is little you can do about this right now beyond offering me a little validation.
 
Pushed you away then pulled you right back
 
I am still learning to trust you. It takes time, so be patient. I am expecting to be hurt, and when I get to close my fear of losing you causes me to unconsciously emotionally distance myself from you. I do this to guard myself from repeated emotional pain and heartbreak. If you pass my "emotional test," I may pull close to you for a short time before returning to "optimal distance" I may be splitting you (which means you are either amazing or you totally suck). As my view of you changes, so do the signals I send.
 
Started an argument out of nowhere
 
I either felt hurt by something you did (probably unintentional) or things are just going too smoothly and I need to rock the boat. Tension accumulated over time eventually leads to an explosive conflict. Chaos and change are ironically my comfort zones. Relationships can't be this smooth; there must be something wrong. Somehow harmony seems to take the passion out of the relationship and it can get a bit boring, too. Turning the sexual heat up a notch or three can sometimes ease this tendency to seek out conflict.
 
https://goo.gl/Xnn9UJ

[bAlex]

Here is someone with BPD / NPD sharing their insight about why they act the way they do in relationships. I can't believe these ppl are allowed to breed, they should be on some far away island away from us. This is some of the most disgusting behaviour I have actually heard anyone admit to. It describes my ex gf exactly. And what made it worse for me is that she made me believe for years that I was the one with the problem, she was never wrong, always denied everything, always turned it around. From where I stand today, I see it was all bs. The pain they cause and damage they do to ppl who love them and would take a bullet for them, who are GOOD to them is THEIR FAULT, not ours for failing to handle it. Anyone can argue the fact that someone is co-dependant or attracted to damaged types etc. for dating them, maybe that's true for some, but I believe they are the cause and not the symptom of some condition a normal person, or me rather, has. My best wishes go out to all of of you who has had the misfortune of dealing with such a person. I don't think they can ever understand the concept of love or loyalty.

This gave me a whole new perspective on things that never made any sense to me. I always thought "what if I did that one thing differently?" I lived in regret for years. This actually proves that it would have made no difference. It opened my eyes, and it fits like a glove - gave me the answers I needed when I thought I was going crazy.

Good luck to everyone.

[Bigmd]

Wow, I went to the link and read the suicide paragraph. My exgf would sometimes joke about killing herself. I'm a police officer and she would sometimes ask to hold my gun. I would always say no because I don't let anyone hold it. But she would often say" what if I just shot myself in the head?" and she would pretend to put a gun to her head, it was more than a few times she joked about killing herself. I thought it was  weird and asked why would she say that.

[bAlex]

Wow, I went to the link and read the suicide paragraph. My exgf would sometimes joke about killing herself. I'm a police officer and she would sometimes ask to hold my gun. I would always say no because I don't let anyone hold it. But she would often say" what if I just shot myself in the head?" and she would pretend to put a gun to her head, it was more than a few times she joked about killing herself. I thought it was  weird and asked why would she say that.

Yeah, mine only talked about suicide once. Said she once was at the point of the blade actually meeting her wrist, but couldn't go through with it. And said, "and everyone thinks I'm a ray of sunshine" she said. It proves to me what I've been suspecting all along; her happiness looks fake at times. It's like they're running away from themselves, and anyone trying to help. Quite sad, but we can't want for others what they don't want for themselves.

[Mutt]

Wow, I went to the link and read the suicide paragraph. My exgf would sometimes joke about killing herself. I'm a police officer and she would sometimes ask to hold my gun. I would always say no because I don't let anyone hold it. But she would often say" what if I just shot myself in the head?" and she would pretend to put a gun to her head, it was more than a few times she joked about killing herself. I thought it was  weird and asked why would she say that.

Yeah, mine only talked about suicide once. Said she once was at the point of the blade actually meeting her wrist, but couldn't go through with it. And said, "and everyone thinks I'm a ray of sunshine" she said. It proves to me what I've been suspecting all along; her happiness looks fake at times. It's like they're running away from themselves, and anyone trying to help. Quite sad, but we can't want for others what they don't want for themselves.

There's a difference between Bigmd's ex and your ex. I think that it helps to recognize that one person's experience is different than the next persons?

I've read a lot if posts from members and their ex partners are all different people with experience that has BPD traits with different severity. I have friends with pwBPD in their lives and all of them are vastly different people.

Here's a link from this site from a pwBPD and how that person experiences love.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder

I think that it is important to use judgment and not use one person's experience with BPD as a benchmark for the disorder.

[bAlex]

Wow, I went to the link and read the suicide paragraph. My exgf would sometimes joke about killing herself. I'm a police officer and she would sometimes ask to hold my gun. I would always say no because I don't let anyone hold it. But she would often say" what if I just shot myself in the head?" and she would pretend to put a gun to her head, it was more than a few times she joked about killing herself. I thought it was  weird and asked why would she say that.

Yeah, mine only talked about suicide once. Said she once was at the point of the blade actually meeting her wrist, but couldn't go through with it. And said, "and everyone thinks I'm a ray of sunshine" she said. It proves to me what I've been suspecting all along; her happiness looks fake at times. It's like they're running away from themselves, and anyone trying to help. Quite sad, but we can't want for others what they don't want for themselves.

There's a difference between Bigmd's ex and your ex. I think that it helps to recognize that one person's experience is different than the next persons?

I've read a lot if posts from members and their ex partners are all different people with experience that has BPD traits with different severity. I have friends with pwBPD in their lives and all of them are vastly different people.

Here's a link from this site from a pwBPD and how that person experiences love.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder

I think that it is important to use judgment and not use one person's experience with BPD as a benchmark for the disorder.

Agreed, just sharing my own experience.

[Mutt]

Years ago depression was something that was a subject that was difficult for people to talk about. Things have changed because we understand that it's a chemical imbalance in your brain and depression takes every bad thought in your memory and brings them up.   It's hard to cope with and it's easier for people to share their depression with other because it doesn't carry a stigma like BPD.

The people that you suggest to put on an island are people that are sons, daughters, siblings, parents, grand parents, friends, romantic partners to someone. I appreciate it when someone shares something that can be difficult to talk about because they are shunned. I think that takes courage.

BPD is difficult for the non-disordered partner to cope with. The black and white thinking can cause a lot of collateral damage. I think that it helps to learn about BPD psychopathology that way it helps us weather these storms with an ex partner with BPD. The thread title suggests that it's not personal. My advice is to learn as much as possible about BPD and depersonalize the behaviors.

[bAlex]

Years ago depression was something that was a subject that was difficult for people to talk about. Things have changed because we understand that it's a chemical imbalance in your brain and depression takes every bad thought in your memory and brings them up.   It's hard to cope with and it's easier for people to share their depression with other because it doesn't carry a stigma like BPD.

The people that you suggest to put on an island are people that are sons, daughters, siblings, parents, grand parents, friends, romantic partners to someone. I appreciate it when someone shares something that can be difficult to talk about because they are shunned. I think that takes courage.

BPD is difficult for the non-disordered partner to cope with. The black and white thinking can cause a lot of collateral damage. I think that it helps to learn about BPD psychopathology that way it helps us weather these storms with an ex partner with BPD. The thread title suggests that it's not personal. My advice is to learn as much as possible about BPD and depersonalize the behaviors.

True. But do you think any one of them would give you the consideration you are giving them? They wouldn't think twice about throwing you under the bus.

[hope2727]

These people are indeed sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, lovers and friends. My heart breaks for them every day.

I miss mine. I watch him suffer from afar (NC but I hear things) and I know that this is not who he wants to be. I am a highly emotional person but I can't imagine what he endures.

Having said that it is personal when you are on the receiving end.  There is no way to not feel hurt when i am attacked, belittled, betrayed and more. It makes me love him no less. It does make me distance myself.

Somehow we have to be bigger than this disease and find compassion for ourselves and them. It took a long time and there are days the anger still overwhelms me but for the most part my heart just simply breaks for him.

:'(

[SummerStorm]

These people are indeed sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, lovers and friends. My heart breaks for them every day.

I miss mine. I watch him suffer from afar (NC but I hear things) and I know that this is not who he wants to be. I am a highly emotional person but I can't imagine what he endures.

Having said that it is personal when you are on the receiving end.  There is no way to not feel hurt when i am attacked, belittled, betrayed and more. It makes me love him no less. It does make me distance myself.

Somehow we have to be bigger than this disease and find compassion for ourselves and them. It took a long time and there are days the anger still overwhelms me but for the most part my heart just simply breaks for him.

:'(

I agree.  I can't imagine what it must be like to go through life not really having interests of your own, constantly having to find new jobs, new places to live, new friends, new partners, etc.

But it definitely is difficult to find forgiveness when being called every foul name in the book, being gaslighted, etc., especially when, in the middle of all of that, they are out seemingly having fun.  I know that their "fun" is just an attempt to fill their emptiness, but it still hurts.

And yes, mine isn't doing well in life.  She can barely pay her bills, so she really can't afford to do anything fun.  She's just focused on work, which is actually good because it's probably keeping her out of a lot of trouble.

[Skip]

A little less sensational... .

To the sufferer, BPD is about deep feelings, feelings often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of this (rom the The Oxford Handbook of Personality Disorders page 737):



   If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;

   I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;

   I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;

   I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;

   Other people are evil and abuse you;

   If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;

   If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;

   If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;

   If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;

   I will always be alone;

   I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;

   There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;

   I don't really know what I want;

   I will never get what I want;

   I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;.

   I have no control of myself;

   I can't discipline myself;

   My feelings and opinions are unfounded;

   Other people are not willing or helpful.

[Skip]

Here is someone with BPD / NPD sharing their insight about why they act the way they do in relationships. I can't believe these ppl are allowed to breed, they should be on some far away island away from us.

We're here to heal and grow and expand our own emotional maturity as well as be able to recognize and function in a society with +28% of the people operating with a diagnosis mental illness or addiction. 

[thisworld]

A little less sensational... .

To the sufferer, BPD is about deep feelings, feelings often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of this (rom the The Oxford Handbook of Personality Disorders page 737):



   If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;

   I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;

   I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;

   I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;

   Other people are evil and abuse you;

   If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;

   If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;

   If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;

   If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;

   I will always be alone;

   I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;

   There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;

   I don't really know what I want;

   I will never get what I want;

   I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;.

   I have no control of myself;

   I can't discipline myself;

   My feelings and opinions are unfounded;

   Other people are not willing or helpful.

I have seen this elsewhere, too (on this site) and have been curious. Are they aware of these thoughts, do they have them consciously or are these things that are reached after therapy? It's probably a spectrum issue but do we have any idea about the general tendency?

[SummerStorm]

thisworld,

It's my understanding that many of a pwBPD's reactions are caused by these thoughts.  Now, does that mean they are constantly running around with these thoughts in their head?  I would imagine not, since they probably block them out like everything else that's painful.

But eventually, these thoughts do break free.

That being said, my pwBPD did tell me she can't discipline herself and didn't actually call herself evil but called herself worthless and someone who destroys people.

The first one on the list explains a lot of devaluation.  "I am bad, and you know that I am because I showed you that side of me, but you are still here, so you must be bad to love a bad person like me."  Often, this is followed by a discard.  They are convinced that the other person will leave, so they leave first.   No amount of assuring them that you will stay can fix this.  I keep staying and keep forgiving, but that makes it worse in the end because she starts to resent me for staying.  So, she pushes.  Then, she fears that I'm moving on, so she pushes. 

[Skip]

Randi Kreger's article is based on one persons perspective of themselves and may be a bit editorialized. The yellow highlighted part, to me, sounds like how someone would reflect back during a time of self-awareness on their emotions. I can even imagine that some can go to a higher level such as "sometimes I get filled with rage [so upset] that is hard [for me] to control [calm myself and I realize later that I overreacted]".  The rest is of the paragraph sounds like third party textbook commentary (psychologist to physiologist).

Purposely broken a gift you gave me

I did this because sometimes I get filled with rage that is hard to control. You may have hurt my feelings, and when I'm upset I get destructive. Weird as it sounds, destroying things you have given me hurts my feelings too. I may have felt a strong sense of self-hatred and may have wanted to inflict some emotional pain on myself too. At times people with borderline personality disorder can become masochistic due to repetition compulsion, a desire to repeat previous experiences of emotional pain in hopes they can be resolved on a conscious level.

What I posted is a composite of 18 manipulative schema which were selected (in parts) by individuals testing positive for BPD.

The schema list was developed by therapists with extensive backgrounds in treating BPD and then tested against a small populations of known "BPD" patients (not a huge population study).

I have seen this elsewhere, too (on this site) and have been curious. Are they aware of these thoughts, do they have them consciously or are these things that are reached after therapy? It's probably a spectrum issue but do we have any idea about the general tendency?

The nature of the study was to see what people with BPD self identified with from a much larger list and this is what was culled out. Not every person taking the test selected all of these... .inversely, these were the most often self selected schemas.

Your question is a good one. Are these feelings consistent, part of a persons self-awareness, able to over-ride or be considered along with emotional impulses, and often accessible in times of decision making or stress?  Or are these more of assessments in a time  of humble self reflection of the past.

I don't know the specifics. I'd tend to think the later on all of it.

[thisworld]

Thank you so much Skip. It's much clearer now.

[cosmonaut]

Years ago depression was something that was a subject that was difficult for people to talk about. Things have changed because we understand that it's a chemical imbalance in your brain and depression takes every bad thought in your memory and brings them up.   It's hard to cope with and it's easier for people to share their depression with other because it doesn't carry a stigma like BPD.

The people that you suggest to put on an island are people that are sons, daughters, siblings, parents, grand parents, friends, romantic partners to someone. I appreciate it when someone shares something that can be difficult to talk about because they are shunned. I think that takes courage.

BPD is difficult for the non-disordered partner to cope with. The black and white thinking can cause a lot of collateral damage. I think that it helps to learn about BPD psychopathology that way it helps us weather these storms with an ex partner with BPD. The thread title suggests that it's not personal. My advice is to learn as much as possible about BPD and depersonalize the behaviors.

Well said, Mutt.  It can be very hard to be empathetic to pwBPD at first when we are so hurt and angry.  That's not unusual.  It's part of the grieving process, and it's necessary.  Eventually we try to see the disorder in a more balanced light.  We recognize that our ex was simply a very disordered person, and that they are victims of their disorder too.  It is not something that they ever chose to have, and it is something that impacts their life in a very negative way every day.  They have a heavy burden in life.  Of course, their disorder hurt us deeply too, but it's important to realize that their behavior is the result of a very serious mental disorder.  pwBPD feel tremendous shame and self loathing about themselves and many pwBPD self report that they feel awful about hurting people they love.  They just don't know what else to do when overcome by out of control emotions.

Everyone deserves love, including pwBPD.  They are not monsters.  They are human beings and like all of us a mixture of good and bad qualities.  Remember that there was something very good we saw in them once, or else we would have never loved them to begin with, right?  Eventually in our healing we see our ex in a more holistic way, and are able to accept our ex for who they are.

[eprogeny]

I appreciate the posts written by those with BPD - it's honestly really helpful to hear their perspectives.  For most of these items listed here, however, I think we already know the behaviors are because of an emotional dysregulation.

What I would find helpful is:

What differences are there between the pre and post recovery actions/behaviors/perspectives?
What helped de-escalate vs escalate the situation during an event?
What does the BPD person feel after the fact about the event when the emotions are more regulated?
What does the BPD person understand about their current behavior's effect on the Non?
When trying to talk through it, when you don't have words for it or the memory, how can the Non help to get resolution to the event?

Things like that... .

[Infern0]

It's not personal.

Bpd is a serious mental illness and these people are constantly struggling with serious, serious issues and pain.

The behaviours are all about "coping", they do what they have to in order to get by.

Their coping mechanisms are destructive however.

I have gotten to the stage where I do accept that. I looked at myself for example as a pretty bad codependent and I myself do things other people (non codependents) don't understand

On top of that I have the ability to switch off my own morality on certain issues in order to get what I feel I need. I'm not proud of it and trying to change but it's HARD.

But I'm not BPD... .if it's hard for us codependents to change, it must seem impossible to those with BPD.

"They're blame game" is the easy way out, there's a lot more to it than "I'm a victim she's the abuser"

We are both victims, ones just more destructive than the other.

On the end a detached forgiveness is the way to go, and changing yourself and making the life you want so that the pain of your BPD rs us no longer relevant and can be looked on as a learning experience and opportunity for growth.

We have that ability, sadly for those with BPD they may never have the capacity to learn from their mistakes and may be doomed to a life of constantly hiding from pain.

But it is a long way off.

[myself]

It sounds like the person admits certain behaviors but there's nothing beyond a brief "I need some more therapy" that says there'll be anything positive done to change them. No apologies, either. Yes, I understand the root causes and etc. of BPD, but... .It's hard to buy 'It's nothing personal' when the people getting hurt the most are those closest to the one doing the often intentional damage (in a disorder aggravated by intimate relationships). She says it's 'irrational' yet then gives reasons why. Reads more like "It's Not My Fault... .Even Though I Was Aware Of What I was Doing." It's an illness where the person who has it usually doesn't really try to get better, no matter how many chances and how many loving people are in their lives.

[lostnlonelydee]

Somewhat inclined to agree with the island idea... .Reading that made me angry thinking about my ex 'flirting' with the various men she attracted into her (our) life. I don't know if mine physically cheated with any of them, but she might as well have because she cheated emotionally while pretending to be with me. She moved on long before she left.

Trying to work on forgiveness, but it seems pretty difficult when they show zero remorse and zero empathy for what it meant to you. I understand BPD better now, but its still hard not to want to hate the person that was your best friend and partner who got bored, didn't have the balls to say it but instead used you for whatever they could get, while getting off with a new shiny toy.

Sorry, reading that really ticked me off, I need a punching bag :/