Only just realising the extent of my ex's projection/manipulation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex used to attribute his own difficulties and behaviour to me - telling me I was being aggressive when he had just lashed out, criticising my lack of self-awareness (according to him, I was blind to my faults), telling me I didn't love the real him but had some idealised vision of him in my head, and accusing me of emotional blackmail literally right after he told me he'd had to cut himself because of me. But I still hadn't realised just how pervasive this problem was. Just over a year has passed since the discard, and the anniversary was a difficult time - he's been on my mind a lot. I remembered our final conversation, when he decided he'd never done any of the hurtful things I said he had and I'd made them all up just to "manipulate him into saying sorry". Among his final words were, "YOU hurt ME countless times, and you never apologised once, and certainly not multiple times like I did."

He never said sorry for anything, ever. I used to apologise even for things that I hadn't done, to keep the peace, but it wouldn't work - he would ask me to tell him why I should be sorry, and if I gave the 'wrong' answer (and I always did), it just got worse. For some reason I had not realised before that this was a manipulation game, and while his parting comments struck me as bizarre and backwards and a sign of incredible selective memory, I hadn't recognised them as simple projection. The further out I get, the clearer some things become. I may never understand why he did them, but at least I see them for what they are.

[balletomane]

My ex used to attribute his own difficulties and behaviour to me - telling me I was being aggressive when he had just lashed out, criticising my lack of self-awareness (according to him, I was blind to my faults), telling me I didn't love the real him but had some idealised vision of him in my head, and accusing me of emotional blackmail literally right after he told me he'd had to cut himself because of me. But I still hadn't realised just how pervasive this problem was. Just over a year has passed since the discard, and the anniversary was a difficult time - he's been on my mind a lot. I remembered our final conversation, when he decided he'd never done any of the hurtful things I said he had and I'd made them all up just to "manipulate him into saying sorry". Among his final words were, "YOU hurt ME countless times, and you never apologised once, and certainly not multiple times like I did."

He never said sorry for anything, ever. I used to apologise even for things that I hadn't done, to keep the peace, but it wouldn't work - he would ask me to tell him why I should be sorry, and if I gave the 'wrong' answer (and I always did), it just got worse. For some reason I had not realised before that this was a manipulation game, and while his parting comments struck me as bizarre and backwards and a sign of incredible selective memory, I hadn't recognised them as simple projection. The further out I get, the clearer some things become. I may never understand why he did them, but at least I see them for what they are.

[bus boy]

For the most part, you just told my story. It's all difficult, from the projecting to the discard. They are mentally ill. In there mind, you did do them wrong. It takes a lot of therapy and talking for a non to get it bc we don't, can't think like that. We don't think devious, of how to hurt of how to manuplating and twist words. They will never say sorry. They want you in a state of FOG but strange enough us non's seem to keep coming back for more ( we are usually codependant) . When they realize we are catching on, and they have secured a new source, they will crush you into dust. They walk into a new relationship like nothing and we are left broken, the last thing on our mind is another relationship. I still can't.  The BPD takes your dreams and crushes them, takes your fears bc you opened up, shared your inner most everything's,  while they gave nothing and makes all your fears come true and throws your past in your face every chance. They do what they do bc they are in pain and must keep projecting it to someone.

[Confused108]

Yup Projection at its finest! I never did that YOU DID! Yup delt with it too. I think a lot of us ... .If Not all of us had. I had no idea What the heck was going on with my ex. She pulled this on me a lot too. Especially at the end ... .The final discard. When I was stupid enough to believe her lies and get roped back into her bull $hit she right away mentioned marriage and me moving to Canada. Then when she overnight felt that we were not compatible when all she ever told me was how compatible we were as adults she Reveresed Everything on me =Projection! She even told me that ME wanting marriage and moving in with her in Canada was all Too Fast Too Soon! When this was All her saying All this to me! Then she went on to say that I was obsessed with her etc etc! She took NO BLAME whatsoever and made me look like the one who flirted with her and chased after her last June 2015 when in fact it was All HER! Amazing !

[Caley]

My ex used to attribute his own difficulties and behaviour to me - telling me I was being aggressive when he had just lashed out, criticising my lack of self-awareness (according to him, I was blind to my faults), telling me I didn't love the real him but had some idealised vision of him in my head, and accusing me of emotional blackmail literally right after he told me he'd had to cut himself because of me. But I still hadn't realised just how pervasive this problem was. Just over a year has passed since the discard, and the anniversary was a difficult time - he's been on my mind a lot. I remembered our final conversation, when he decided he'd never done any of the hurtful things I said he had and I'd made them all up just to "manipulate him into saying sorry". Among his final words were, "YOU hurt ME countless times, and you never apologised once, and certainly not multiple times like I did."

He never said sorry for anything, ever. I used to apologise even for things that I hadn't done, to keep the peace, but it wouldn't work - he would ask me to tell him why I should be sorry, and if I gave the 'wrong' answer (and I always did), it just got worse. For some reason I had not realised before that this was a manipulation game, and while his parting comments struck me as bizarre and backwards and a sign of incredible selective memory, I hadn't recognised them as simple projection. The further out I get, the clearer some things become. I may never understand why he did them, but at least I see them for what they are.

'There, there, there. Poor little chap ... come here and let Mummy put some butter on your bruises ... !'

Sounds to me like classic projection and denial on his part.

It often makes me smile (the things they say) because there is always a kernel of truth in what they say. For instance, 'not loving the real him'. Actually, if you're honest, you don't. You fell in love with a man who initially mirrored everything you were ever looking for in a partner who, once that ring was on your finger and you began to relax and settle into companionship, feeling he was the 'one' ... 'suddenly, he changed drastically. So, NO ... you don't love the real him ... he's right, only he isn't aware that it's fraudulent to paint yourself to be something you're not.

When this 'sudden and drastic change' in him occurred and you began to react negatively towards this change ... he would have taken this as criticism (and they detest being criticised, even the well meant and constructive). So, this would have hurt him. So, again ... a kernel of truth.

I imagine you said ' sorry' a million times. They don't hear 'sorry' ... they just hear criticism which ignites their fury and fuels further poor behaviour.

They have excellent memories when it suits their purpose. He can remember all the painful sleights he perceived from you ... but when you brought up something he may have done ... hey, presto ... he suddenly forgets or completely denies citing your faulty memory. Clever that, isn't it? Is your head spinning yet?

It's very true ... the further you get out, the more clearly you see and the more adamant you become not to be drawn back in again.

[Ahoy]

The memory thing always gets me. It all kinda blends into a soup for me but she could remember exact details from months ago. Sometimes I used to jokingly say"is that how it really happened"

Sure makes post-breakup analysis harder!

[patientandclear]

I've come to believe that some of the projection ("you wanted to go too fast," to us, when they were the ones pushing to go ever faster -- something many of us seem to have experienced on here) has to do with the pwBPD having tried to give us what they think we want, and then later coming to resent that and laying it at the partner's doorstep for "making" them do whatever they did.  It's not as simple as: they want or do something, then they project that wanting or doing on us and blame us for it.  In some instances it seems to be that they claim to want what they think we want, as a courting ritual/seduction strategy; then their feelings shift; and then, they lay at our feet the impulse to do or be whatever they thought we wanted them to do or be, because in their mind, it sort of DID come from us.  Even if that was pure deduction on their part and we never recall asking for the thing.

In my case, as with others here, my ex recalls that I pushed him really fast and he never wanted that.  What actually happened is that he went super fast and I kept up, but kept asking if he wanted to slow down and reassuring him that if he wanted to, I would (I have actual emails saying exactly that).  And him telling me that he was holding himself back from going even faster.

I now believe that he thought I wanted to go fast, wanted all these amazing things he was saying, these assurances.  He gave them because he thought they were what I wanted or needed to hear.  Later, looking back, when his feelings had changed, it looked to him like I "made" him.  Which he resented somewhat.