Alternate reality

[Depression = 72% of members]

Can anyone explain (from their experience) how after painting black as black can get, that an uBPD can not only ignore the fact they did so, conveniently missing that piece of history out, when wanting to be friends 

But also completely rewriting history with them in some kind of warped hero mode? I find this offensive, but more so perplexing. How can they be that off track from fact? I mean I was there too!

I understand BPD is a personality disorder, but this seem delusional. Are they so disassociated from reality that they really believe their version? Are they trying to convince me? Are they trying to convince themselves?

[LuckyEscapee]

Can anyone explain (from their experience) how after painting black as black can get, that an uBPD can not only ignore the fact they did so, conveniently missing that piece of history out, when wanting to be friends 

But also completely rewriting history with them in some kind of warped hero mode? I find this offensive, but more so perplexing. How can they be that off track from fact? I mean I was there too!

I understand BPD is a personality disorder, but this seem delusional. Are they so disassociated from reality that they really believe their version? Are they trying to convince me? Are they trying to convince themselves?

[expos]

Attention, sympathy from anyone willing to listen... .  and ABSOLUTE denial... .  and not facing reality when they fully know they are wrong.  They love to fight, pick fights, and bark their points over and over again.  They feel by speaking up, they are facing the issue but merely seeing it their way instead of trying to really understand it.   

[just_think]

"Splitting" is one of the hardest things to understand from the perspective of someone who is not disordered.  

Most normal people will get upset at someone and then they will still see the good in that person, forgive and come to some sort of compromise.  With the disordered mind, there is no in between - anything that threatens their version of reality is "bad" and everything that encourages their reality is "good."

A personality disorder is just that:  a complex web of psychological defense mechanisms that are designed to protect a broken sense of self that was likely taken during some traumatic childhood event or neglect.  It seems delusional because it is.  It seems dissociated from reality because it is (though one could argue that reality itself is a very subjective thing).  They may be trying to unconsciously convince you it is real because if you buy into their version of reality, it validates that reality.  On a deep, unconscious level, they know that it cannot hold up to their own scrutiny so if someone else believes it then it proves it is real and they odn't have to question it.    

[LuckyEscapee]

Wowee that takes some getting my head around, but makes sense.

If he can get me to go along with the 'it wasn't that bad' version, then it kinda becomes the truth. Except it was that bad, totally unacceptable.

The hero version he last tried on me   escalates this to a point that becomes blatantly absurd, so he must to be in some way desperate to change history. 

This hurts my head 

[laelle]

I really needed to hear this this morning.  Even when I am angry or doubtful towards him or his motives, I still love him, I still see his side of things, and I am still willing to reason.  With him, when I say anything that is different from the way he perceives it or the way "it should be" in his head there is no room for compromise, I become something vile to him, and as such I should be told off or punished.  Its the most confusing thing to understand. 

[MakeItHappen]

Most normal people will get upset at someone and then they will still see the good in that person, forgive and come to some sort of compromise.  With the disordered mind, there is no in between - anything that threatens their version of reality is "bad" and everything that encourages their reality is "good."

Very well said.

I continued the "compromise" phase throughout the entire relationship with my exBPD.  Since it's been over, I sometimes can't stop myself. I latch on to the "compromise" and wish to reach out. It just CAN'T happen. There is NO benefit in it.

[Leaf]

Hi LuckyEscapee, My ex is BPD (w/NPD traits) and I'm now reading the book 'Narcissistic lovers' by Zayn/Dibble and the hero role your ex tried on you reminds me of something I've just read, so I'll quote:

"The N observes life, even his own experiences, as if he is watching a movie. Sometimes that 'movie' is fun and exciting (... .  ) other times the 'movie' is boring, so he walks out... .  just as one would leave a movie theater... .  with no commitment and no sense of loss.

Walking in and out of 'movie theaters' (... .  ) and constantly writing new scripts and acting out new roles all contribute to the N's warped sense of time. That is how he is able to walk away from his partner, play another role with his New Supply (... .  ) and walk back into his ex-partner's life as if no time has passed at all. To an N (... .  ) time is rather seen as a circle. (... .  ) There is no beginning and no end only an endless search. (... .  ) He will continue to gather narcissistic supply there [old relationships] until he has procured new supply elsewhere."

According to the book the narcissist only uses 'old supply' during dry spells, because what he's looking for can only be supplied by someone new. I don't like being 'old supply', so I guess I'll have to find a new BPD (w/NPD traits)-man and become 'new supply' so he can be my hero.  

[MakeItHappen]

Hi LuckyEscapee, My ex is BPD (w/NPD traits) and I'm now reading the book 'Narcissistic lovers' by Zayn/Dibble and the hero role your ex tried on you reminds me of something I've just read, so I'll quote:

"The N observes life, even his own experiences, as if he is watching a movie. Sometimes that 'movie' is fun and exciting (... .  ) other times the 'movie' is boring, so he walks out... .  just as one would leave a movie theater... .  with no commitment and no sense of loss.

Walking in and out of 'movie theaters' (... .  ) and constantly writing new scripts and acting out new roles all contribute to the N's warped sense of time. That is how he is able to walk away from his partner, play another role with his New Supply (... .  ) and walk back into his ex-partner's life as if no time has passed at all. To an N (... .  ) time is rather seen as a circle. (... .  ) There is no beginning and no end only an endless search. (... .  ) He will continue to gather narcissistic supply there [old relationships] until he has procured new supply elsewhere."

According to the book the narcissist only uses 'old supply' during dry spells, because what he's looking for can only be supplied by someone new. I don't like being 'old supply', so I guess I'll have to find a new BPD (w/NPD traits)-man and become 'new supply' so he can be my hero.  

WOAH! Are you sure you're not reading my journal?

It's textbook. Thanks for sharing.

[LuckyEscapee]

Hey thanks Leaf!

The recycling bit I am used to, but hero bit is new and so threw me.

It is absurd   

We broke up, he replaced me, got engaged. I stayed away.

He raged and tormented me 24/7 till he almost broke me in every way. The next stop was the police station. Then he left town in a hurry.

Yes good point, if he is trying his luck again with me 'old supply' he must be in a bad spot, as I give him nothing he wants. No information, no reminiscing, no interest at all. No feel good, which is what I suspect he is after from my. I used to be his personal ray of sunshine

[Leaf]

He raged and tormented me 24/7 till he almost broke me in every way. The next stop was the police station. Then he left town in a hurry.

Your ex sounds even worse than my ex, lucky escape indeed! The police thing must have been a blow to his facade. Maybe he's trying desperately to repair it with a new script, but it won't work if you refuse to play your part.  

When I had finally gained proof my ex had been cheating, he made up an elaborate story to mend his facade: (a) he had made a date with someone six months earlier that they would sleep together and he is a guy who keeps his appointments (b) he couldn't get it up because he couldn't be unfaithful to me, so he didn't cheat at all (c) he broke up with the other women eventually, so he made a sacrifice for our relationship, something I never did. In short, he was not a despicable cheater but an admirable hero.

[LuckyEscapee]

Hi Leaf, yes it was the worst episode of my life.  :'(

But is the past now 

Your cheating ex's justification is unbelievable! How do they even think this stuff is acceptable? It is so warped it is untrue. Delusional.

We are so much better off without these 'heros' in our lives 

Makes me appreciate how easy and calm my life is now without him in it.