I am not sure what to do? Broken? Given up? Lost?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is going to be long. I never knew BPD existed, but I believe my fiance is uBPD. We are going to be together for 10 years this year. Proposed over a year ago.

Ive been searching the internet on how to deal with partner's insecurities and false accusations when I found out more about BPD. I believe we all have insecurities and fight through them however when my Fiance is "triggered" she goes into a crazy rage.

Ive always dealt with what I thought was a "difficult" partner or a partner with alot of passion.

When we are good, we are totally amazing. She loves hard, but she fights hard too. It never bugged me too much until now but I know from the beginning of our relationship if she felt betrayed or got mad, I knew it was going to be a battle. I fell for this girl though and I was willing to do whatever it takes to make sure she is treated right and that I could make changes so that I didn't make her so mad.

This being my one and only girlfriend, I obviously don't have anything else to compare too. All I know is my fiance treated me amazing, its just those times she gets upset. She makes me seem like the devil.

When she gets mad. She calls me names, belittles me, goes into a rage and then will physically hit walls/the bed (thankfully she has not intentionally hit me)

Things that can trigger her; is if I go out with some friends for whatever and maybe leave out a small part of it and finds out from someone else. She thinks I am hiding something for a reason. It could be anything. I try to reason with her and I always tell her i leave things out because I don't think they are important. She's been triggered by me talking to other girls or finding girls that I just added on social media; for example I added a coworker from a new job that I started and she questioned me. I let her know and she told me to delete to her right away. I tried to defend that it's not right to do that because this person did nothing wrong and its a coworker. She told me why am i defending her, and so I just deleted her.

These types of arguments always seem to come up every month or couple months. So I always tried to avoid situations like that because I truly love this girl.

She gets upset if I have something planned for the weekend (hobbies; golf and car racing) and she has the day off. It use to never bug her beginning of our relationship (actually she use to come with and support), but it turned into prioritizing those days instead of her and not wanting to spend time with her. My reply is that there are tons of time we spend together and do things. Her reply would be when she's in rage is "is that what you think? you are spending too much time with me? you are tired of me?" To compromise, I always ask ahead of time if shes working a certain day and if she is I don't do anything that day and spend it with her. This still didn't help because one time she said "You are excited when I tell you that I am working, you are never excited when I tell you I am not working". I brush it off.

Her big thing with me is she says I don't tell her EVERYTHING, EVERY DETAIL. I tell her that I tell her everything the little things I don't care about. She says everything is important to her

I am the type to be non confrontational and I prefer to do things in my control to stay away from bad situations.

Here is where I think might be the final straw:
One of my best friends who got engaged at the same time as me got married on 06/09/17 (recently). I was a groomsman which i was very honored. However my fiance made this experience literally a living hell for me. I felt like I had a ticking time bomb on hand.  

Obviously before the wedding there was the bachelor party. Mind you this already had me questioning if I should even go because of my fiance, I am not sure how she would react. He and the best man decided they want to do Puerto Vallarta, Mexico as the destination. I felt obligated to as a groomsman and that this was my best friend. When I told my fiance, I can tell something was going to trigger her but she kept it cool. She started asking questions like why do we need to so far (we are from california) we can do parties and stuff in vegas. I responded that its not my planning.

Anyways me and the fiance and some friends had a Cancun,Mexico trip month a couple months before this bachelor party. The day before our cancun trip i decided to check on flights for the bachelor party and noticed that prices always went up. So I went and bought them right away. I wasn't thinking too much of it because we had to get ready for cancun the next day. Next day comes, one of friends comes over whos going to cancun with us and brings up the bachelor party then it hit me I didn't let my fiance know I bought the plane tickets. Our friend asks if I had bought them and I answered yes. Fiance looks at me like "o really?" and she brushed it off. now our trip to cancun was amazing, but on one our excursions she brings up why I didn't tell her about the plane tickets and why she had to hear it from a friend. This triggered her and she quietly was made because our friends were with us on this trip. Basically she told me she has a bad feeling about this. last day of our trip we go out to clubs, I am tired at this point and did not drink. Then my fiance snapped at me about looking at girls and not dancing with her. Mind you its past midnight and im sitting down (our flight was in the afternoon next day). She went off on me and starting saying is that what you are going to do at the bachelor party. etc etc. I told her I was just going to support my friend. things kind of settled a little.

After the trip, she wasn't in rage but kept bugging me about the whole plane ticket situation. I told her that I would cancel my plane tickets, but knowing she may be talking out of emotion, I decided to hold off knowing i can cancel up to 24 hours before the trip for just in case. a few days later she asked to see proof I cancelled it. I explain to her that I would but was just waiting. This made her really mad and said that I wasn't genuine when I said I would not go. So I cancelled them right there. I told her it wasn't a big deal and that I could probably think of something to say to get me out of the party (work related). a week goes by and she tells me that I now have to go because if I don't go my friend will know that it was her. I told her no because i had a hunch this maybe a trap. I held off until she kept pushing me to do it 2.5 week before the bachelor party. I was pushing not to go because tickets now have doubled in price but she insists to just do it. I did and she helped pay some of the difference because she made me cancel them.

leading up to the bachelor party she told me shes going to miss me, she told me that i need to text her when i get there, when i go places and when I get back. She wants to know everything when i get back. I was fine with that. We obviously had the talk about strippers/strip club I told her that I am not into that stuff and will not participate. She was a bit upset that I didn't tell her what the agenda was for the bachelor party. However i really had no idea and when i asked the best man he told me they were going to wing it. I had an inkling that strippers was on the agenda, but strippers were really not my thing so I figured i'll find a way to get out of it (i also know this will trigger the fiance)

Bachelor party comes we had a great time. I did mess up on the promise to text when we got back from the club. Mind you no cell service and I had to rely on the wifi at our villa which only worked on one floor (i was roomed on the bottom floor). Form that day on she stopped texting me and gave me silent treatment. It killed my mood the next days and everyone could tell. The last day of the trip we planned to hit up a bar/club we were there till 3am... .here im thinking wow we really might not even go to a strip club... .but my nightmare came true we ended up at the strip club. There was no way out for me to get of it because I would be the only one and being in mexico I did not want to take a taxi alone with no cell service at 3am. I went with all the guys (15 of us), Im already feeling terrible about going, but i knew I wasn't going to do anything. Well the night went on we were there for another 2 hours and I kept my word did not participate just sat and drank.

end of trip I get picked up by fiance and she seems normal bit quiet. She asked me how it was I let her know it was fun. She asked what we did. I told her everything... .even the strip club. That's when I knew screwed up? because 5 minutes after i told her. She looked at me and said "You have no idea how mad I am right now, I dont know if I am mad that you went to this place without me or you went to a strip club"

I let her know that nothing had happen and i had to go because i didn't feel safe taking a cab alone to our villa which was not part of the tourist area hotels.

that night she went into rage, she interrogated me for details. the name of the strip club, what time, how long, who got dances and who got more.

I told her as much as I could. She was in total rage. Basically says that she knows that I did something and I am not telling her. I assured her nothing happen. Then she wanted more details. She went into one of tantrums where she cry and rage out loud and punch walls. I assured that I did nothing. she calms down

but to make things shorter. She would go into rage once a week. she would tell me she read things online about how people hide stripper stories at bachelor parties and how the person who did the worst would tell their partner they didn't do anything. I was at a lost, so got really defensive and mad as well that she wouldn't trust me. She threaten to me she would tell the bride to be and all the girlfriends of the guys. I didn't know what to do any longer.

Skip forward she calmed down. she would get triggered by anyone who mentioned mexico or even music (the new justin bieber despacito song). But everything seem to calm down towards the wedding. We were good at the wedding everything was fantastic till the after party. She told me one bachelor party attendees talked to her and asked if I had told her anything about the bachelor party. She told him that I told her "everything", I guess he replied "oh really? everything?". Mind you this guy was my "partner" at the bachelor party he actually didn't participate as well in the strippers. so at the afterparty she brought this up to me and she raged again that I must be hiding something because why would he ask her that. I told her he's just trying to be funny or just messing around. we shared a hotel room with a friend and she destroyed our part of them room (thankfully he wasn't in the room when she was doing it). The next day she seemed ok and we were fine. on the ride home she told me that she was just mad why he would bring it up. She even said that the bride and groom are married now 06/10/17... .she's over it

everything seemed fine

It is 06/20/17 and she told me she couldn't sleep last night because she was thinking about the strip club and what went down. We argued again and i told her needs to accept that I told her everything. She said she can't and she knows something happen and I am not telling her. She told me she will not get over it, so it is best I tell her the truth. She goes into a rage again. She says she wants me to break up, she can't be with a liar, she can't believe I am putting her through this stress and that I rather see her suffer then tell her the truth. She called me so many names and put me down

forward to 06/21/17 and Im here broken, and im on the brink of giving up. she argued again with me and I decided to tell her that I have told her everything and thats it. I am not saying anything else. I walked out of bedroom and stayed in the living room. I haven't been sleeping well and been stressing/anxiety since this whole bachelor/wedding thing. She threatens to tell all the girls she knows that had a guy at the party.

She went through my phone, venmo transactions, bank transactions.

I really had enough... .Don't know what to do.

Ive been distant no texts and just trying to get by.

mind you every fight she tells me to leave or break up... .but for whatever reason I really feel like this might be it.

We live together, no kids ... .

Its starting to effect my every day life, especially work.

maybe im believing in too much of what I read on the internet, but now that i look back at all our fights it stems from her insecurities. I have been a great partner to her super faithful and would never do anything like that.

She is a great partner, but these outburst are starting to drain me.

I wish I never went to this bachelor party trip, i feel like this trip ruined my life even though I did not do anything to hurt my fiance

sorry for the long rant, hope you can follow what I typed

[Triedmybest408]

This is going to be long. I never knew BPD existed, but I believe my fiance is uBPD. We are going to be together for 10 years this year. Proposed over a year ago.

Ive been searching the internet on how to deal with partner's insecurities and false accusations when I found out more about BPD. I believe we all have insecurities and fight through them however when my Fiance is "triggered" she goes into a crazy rage.

Ive always dealt with what I thought was a "difficult" partner or a partner with alot of passion.

When we are good, we are totally amazing. She loves hard, but she fights hard too. It never bugged me too much until now but I know from the beginning of our relationship if she felt betrayed or got mad, I knew it was going to be a battle. I fell for this girl though and I was willing to do whatever it takes to make sure she is treated right and that I could make changes so that I didn't make her so mad.

This being my one and only girlfriend, I obviously don't have anything else to compare too. All I know is my fiance treated me amazing, its just those times she gets upset. She makes me seem like the devil.

When she gets mad. She calls me names, belittles me, goes into a rage and then will physically hit walls/the bed (thankfully she has not intentionally hit me)

Things that can trigger her; is if I go out with some friends for whatever and maybe leave out a small part of it and finds out from someone else. She thinks I am hiding something for a reason. It could be anything. I try to reason with her and I always tell her i leave things out because I don't think they are important. She's been triggered by me talking to other girls or finding girls that I just added on social media; for example I added a coworker from a new job that I started and she questioned me. I let her know and she told me to delete to her right away. I tried to defend that it's not right to do that because this person did nothing wrong and its a coworker. She told me why am i defending her, and so I just deleted her.

These types of arguments always seem to come up every month or couple months. So I always tried to avoid situations like that because I truly love this girl.

She gets upset if I have something planned for the weekend (hobbies; golf and car racing) and she has the day off. It use to never bug her beginning of our relationship (actually she use to come with and support), but it turned into prioritizing those days instead of her and not wanting to spend time with her. My reply is that there are tons of time we spend together and do things. Her reply would be when she's in rage is "is that what you think? you are spending too much time with me? you are tired of me?" To compromise, I always ask ahead of time if shes working a certain day and if she is I don't do anything that day and spend it with her. This still didn't help because one time she said "You are excited when I tell you that I am working, you are never excited when I tell you I am not working". I brush it off.

Her big thing with me is she says I don't tell her EVERYTHING, EVERY DETAIL. I tell her that I tell her everything the little things I don't care about. She says everything is important to her

I am the type to be non confrontational and I prefer to do things in my control to stay away from bad situations.

Here is where I think might be the final straw:
One of my best friends who got engaged at the same time as me got married on 06/09/17 (recently). I was a groomsman which i was very honored. However my fiance made this experience literally a living hell for me. I felt like I had a ticking time bomb on hand.  

Obviously before the wedding there was the bachelor party. Mind you this already had me questioning if I should even go because of my fiance, I am not sure how she would react. He and the best man decided they want to do Puerto Vallarta, Mexico as the destination. I felt obligated to as a groomsman and that this was my best friend. When I told my fiance, I can tell something was going to trigger her but she kept it cool. She started asking questions like why do we need to so far (we are from california) we can do parties and stuff in vegas. I responded that its not my planning.

Anyways me and the fiance and some friends had a Cancun,Mexico trip month a couple months before this bachelor party. The day before our cancun trip i decided to check on flights for the bachelor party and noticed that prices always went up. So I went and bought them right away. I wasn't thinking too much of it because we had to get ready for cancun the next day. Next day comes, one of friends comes over whos going to cancun with us and brings up the bachelor party then it hit me I didn't let my fiance know I bought the plane tickets. Our friend asks if I had bought them and I answered yes. Fiance looks at me like "o really?" and she brushed it off. now our trip to cancun was amazing, but on one our excursions she brings up why I didn't tell her about the plane tickets and why she had to hear it from a friend. This triggered her and she quietly was made because our friends were with us on this trip. Basically she told me she has a bad feeling about this. last day of our trip we go out to clubs, I am tired at this point and did not drink. Then my fiance snapped at me about looking at girls and not dancing with her. Mind you its past midnight and im sitting down (our flight was in the afternoon next day). She went off on me and starting saying is that what you are going to do at the bachelor party. etc etc. I told her I was just going to support my friend. things kind of settled a little.

After the trip, she wasn't in rage but kept bugging me about the whole plane ticket situation. I told her that I would cancel my plane tickets, but knowing she may be talking out of emotion, I decided to hold off knowing i can cancel up to 24 hours before the trip for just in case. a few days later she asked to see proof I cancelled it. I explain to her that I would but was just waiting. This made her really mad and said that I wasn't genuine when I said I would not go. So I cancelled them right there. I told her it wasn't a big deal and that I could probably think of something to say to get me out of the party (work related). a week goes by and she tells me that I now have to go because if I don't go my friend will know that it was her. I told her no because i had a hunch this maybe a trap. I held off until she kept pushing me to do it 2.5 week before the bachelor party. I was pushing not to go because tickets now have doubled in price but she insists to just do it. I did and she helped pay some of the difference because she made me cancel them.

leading up to the bachelor party she told me shes going to miss me, she told me that i need to text her when i get there, when i go places and when I get back. She wants to know everything when i get back. I was fine with that. We obviously had the talk about strippers/strip club I told her that I am not into that stuff and will not participate. She was a bit upset that I didn't tell her what the agenda was for the bachelor party. However i really had no idea and when i asked the best man he told me they were going to wing it. I had an inkling that strippers was on the agenda, but strippers were really not my thing so I figured i'll find a way to get out of it (i also know this will trigger the fiance)

Bachelor party comes we had a great time. I did mess up on the promise to text when we got back from the club. Mind you no cell service and I had to rely on the wifi at our villa which only worked on one floor (i was roomed on the bottom floor). Form that day on she stopped texting me and gave me silent treatment. It killed my mood the next days and everyone could tell. The last day of the trip we planned to hit up a bar/club we were there till 3am... .here im thinking wow we really might not even go to a strip club... .but my nightmare came true we ended up at the strip club. There was no way out for me to get of it because I would be the only one and being in mexico I did not want to take a taxi alone with no cell service at 3am. I went with all the guys (15 of us), Im already feeling terrible about going, but i knew I wasn't going to do anything. Well the night went on we were there for another 2 hours and I kept my word did not participate just sat and drank.

end of trip I get picked up by fiance and she seems normal bit quiet. She asked me how it was I let her know it was fun. She asked what we did. I told her everything... .even the strip club. That's when I knew screwed up? because 5 minutes after i told her. She looked at me and said "You have no idea how mad I am right now, I dont know if I am mad that you went to this place without me or you went to a strip club"

I let her know that nothing had happen and i had to go because i didn't feel safe taking a cab alone to our villa which was not part of the tourist area hotels.

that night she went into rage, she interrogated me for details. the name of the strip club, what time, how long, who got dances and who got more.

I told her as much as I could. She was in total rage. Basically says that she knows that I did something and I am not telling her. I assured her nothing happen. Then she wanted more details. She went into one of tantrums where she cry and rage out loud and punch walls. I assured that I did nothing. she calms down

but to make things shorter. She would go into rage once a week. she would tell me she read things online about how people hide stripper stories at bachelor parties and how the person who did the worst would tell their partner they didn't do anything. I was at a lost, so got really defensive and mad as well that she wouldn't trust me. She threaten to me she would tell the bride to be and all the girlfriends of the guys. I didn't know what to do any longer.

Skip forward she calmed down. she would get triggered by anyone who mentioned mexico or even music (the new justin bieber despacito song). But everything seem to calm down towards the wedding. We were good at the wedding everything was fantastic till the after party. She told me one bachelor party attendees talked to her and asked if I had told her anything about the bachelor party. She told him that I told her "everything", I guess he replied "oh really? everything?". Mind you this guy was my "partner" at the bachelor party he actually didn't participate as well in the strippers. so at the afterparty she brought this up to me and she raged again that I must be hiding something because why would he ask her that. I told her he's just trying to be funny or just messing around. we shared a hotel room with a friend and she destroyed our part of them room (thankfully he wasn't in the room when she was doing it). The next day she seemed ok and we were fine. on the ride home she told me that she was just mad why he would bring it up. She even said that the bride and groom are married now 06/10/17... .she's over it

everything seemed fine

It is 06/20/17 and she told me she couldn't sleep last night because she was thinking about the strip club and what went down. We argued again and i told her needs to accept that I told her everything. She said she can't and she knows something happen and I am not telling her. She told me she will not get over it, so it is best I tell her the truth. She goes into a rage again. She says she wants me to break up, she can't be with a liar, she can't believe I am putting her through this stress and that I rather see her suffer then tell her the truth. She called me so many names and put me down

forward to 06/21/17 and Im here broken, and im on the brink of giving up. she argued again with me and I decided to tell her that I have told her everything and thats it. I am not saying anything else. I walked out of bedroom and stayed in the living room. I haven't been sleeping well and been stressing/anxiety since this whole bachelor/wedding thing. She threatens to tell all the girls she knows that had a guy at the party.

She went through my phone, venmo transactions, bank transactions.

I really had enough... .Don't know what to do.

Ive been distant no texts and just trying to get by.

mind you every fight she tells me to leave or break up... .but for whatever reason I really feel like this might be it.

We live together, no kids ... .

Its starting to effect my every day life, especially work.

maybe im believing in too much of what I read on the internet, but now that i look back at all our fights it stems from her insecurities. I have been a great partner to her super faithful and would never do anything like that.

She is a great partner, but these outburst are starting to drain me.

I wish I never went to this bachelor party trip, i feel like this trip ruined my life even though I did not do anything to hurt my fiance

sorry for the long rant, hope you can follow what I typed

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Triedmybest408]

I have been given the silent treatment... .she hasn't spoken to me since 06/22/17

I will say hi and bye to let her know that I am going to work... .

she went off on her own to go somewhere and she came back late and night and went straight to bed.

Am I suppose to give her space? this is the first time I have actually never pursued her back or text her. I am usually the one apologizing first and letting her know I don't like the silent treatment and it hurts.

Could this make it worst, i actually thought about going to gym while she left to relieve stress, but I think I decided not to, just in case she gets home before me and I was worried the worst could happen (huge fight)

[ElinorD]

Yeah, she sounds very BPD.  I feel for you.  I can just imagine all of this happening if I were in your shoes; my DH would react in those kinds of ways, too.  And I spent years tiptoeing around it.  I still do, just not as much, and now I can see it for what it is.

You don't deserve this treatment.  You haven't done anything to cause it.  You don't have to walk on eggshells or manage her feelings.  You cannot win by playing by her rules.  Take good care of yourself.

[Triedmybest408]

Yeah, she sounds very BPD.  I feel for you.  I can just imagine all of this happening if I were in your shoes; my DH would react in those kinds of ways, too.  And I spent years tiptoeing around it.  I still do, just not as much, and now I can see it for what it is.

You don't deserve this treatment.  You haven't done anything to cause it.  You don't have to walk on eggshells or manage her feelings.  You cannot win by playing by her rules.  Take good care of yourself.

Thank You, I like to think I am very strong and can internalize alot of things. And I think I have good stress coping tools, but I may have let everything cut deep which I know I shouldn't if she is BPD but it may be too late. I have always lacked confidence growing up, up until recently in my new career where I am striving and standing out at work... .but this seems to be hindering me ... .and I can feel the anxiety coming

This site has help relieve some anxiety that I had in regards to how I was as a partner. I know if she does have BPD, that i probably escalated a lot of our arguments. JADEing seems very familiar to me because, I know in the beginning of our relationship I felt like if I could explain to her the different views of an issue she could understand and not get so upset... .instead it backfired everytime... .yet I still continue to do it. I probably invalidate too... .

so stressful... .Ive managed this far, but this huge fight has become eye opening. I realize there are options now... .

I will let this play out but I am at the point that maybe ending things could be a possibility (the thought has caused me some anxiety as well). I have never in our 10 years brought  up the idea of breaking up to her. It seems to easy for her to tell me to leave/break up whenever she rages. She can go off and say you will be fine! You will be happy! you will forget me! I have told her many times that I would not be complete/happy without her etc etc.

I may be still angry/confused but I have been lately thinking of what it would be like to be without her... .not sure why i worry about her more than I worry about myself and what would happen if we did split... .will she be ok (she has no family here)? The lease has my name on the apartment if she needs to live there I would need to take my name off but that could raise her rent (we live in a high rent state CA but we got lucky have nice place for low rent)? Do I ask for my half of our savings (when we were younger we put money away to save for a down payment on a house, which we actually didn't save much, but it is my money that I could use)?  do I get my engagement ring back (i spent too much on it, due to pressure to please her) ?

to many thoughts so hard to focus

[ElinorD]

It's sad, but I'm almost relieved to read that someone else deals with triggers that have ANYTHING to do with a past conflict that just keep going. I totally get the music thing! I feel like the only person who deals with that nonsense. What has happened in 25 years of a relationship is that they've just kept accumulating. So the world is a minefield. He never forgets anything. In fact, his own minefield includes his whole life. He's triggered by hurts back in high school. So it isn't even just me and things I've done.

[Triedmybest408]

It's sad, but I'm almost relieved to read that someone else deals with triggers that have ANYTHING to do with a past conflict that just keep going. I totally get the music thing! I feel like the only person who deals with that nonsense. What has happened in 25 years of a relationship is that they've just kept accumulating. So the world is a minefield. He never forgets anything. In fact, his own minefield includes his whole life. He's triggered by hurts back in high school. So it isn't even just me and things I've done.

What makes it difficult to me, is her memory is terrible which use to be a funny thing and I have great memory (too good sometimes, I creep people out when they dont know who I am but I seem to remember where I met them and where) so we balance each other out. But she can think back to when I violated her or made her rage, or when I said something and she turned it into something else. Or she will use my memory as a reason as to why I am lying. There are things I forget or just don't know and she uses that against me saying how can you not remember you remember everything!


sighhh

[Triedmybest408]

Thankfully I'll get to race cars tomorrow ... .maybe I'll visit my mom or something too

[Triedmybest408]

Thankfully I'll get to race cars tomorrow ... .maybe I'll visit my mom or something too

I spoke too got home from work said hi... .no communication

I am making dinner and I hear bathroom door slamming, she looks dressed for the gym, grabs a water slams the fridge and tells me I better not be here when she gets back... .

I duno what to do

[Triedmybest408]

Do I continue to stand my ground and stay ... do my thing

Or do I actually listen and just leave ... .maybe sleep in my car? This would be the first time actually following through on leaving... .

[Triedmybest408]

She broke her silence and I thought we could talk

But it turned into her being the victim and how my story isn't true and how it doesn't match the stories online... .and she's sure that we did more than just lap dances

Turned into a huge meltdown of her crying ... .saying how can I put her through all this... .I tried validating and assuring her nothing happened... .but it fueled her fire

She went on and said we are over, bunch of bad words and calling me a liar and nothing better then a jerk how has to pay women for entertainment/pleasure

She then said since she's going down... .everyone else will too... .she plans on telling the bride and any girls who had partners at the bachelor party

she says they have the right to know and we won't be together anyways so I don't care what anyone thinks


Now I'm in full anxiety mode because I obviously broke the "guy code"... .none of the guys know I told her except for one who's been helping me out with coping with this stress (btw he's already told her about the strip club too he's our drinking/party buddy, but she doesn't believe him because she thinks I told him to say that!)

I don't think I can forgive myself if she goes through with it... .the thought of possibly tainting my friends and their relationship because my own doesn't believe me... .gets me scared/anxious

They could group together and make something up about me

[Triedmybest408]

Update:

She came to me and said she doesn't know how to get over it... .and I thought this was a good time she seemed calm

And she was upset that I was reacting different

But it turned into why were you doing this , can I look at your phone again... .I need to read your chats... .that might help me

I tried to set my boundary that looking at my phone won't help anymore (she's looked at it like 3-4 times)

She obviously took offense ... .and she kept her cool

She was telling me how me keeping small details out in the in the past makes her doesn't trust me and how my story of the stripclub doesn't match what it says online... .I told her she needs to stop analyzing details ... .looking up stories online and keep asking me for the story... .it will not help her get over it... .I told her she needs to stop searching take everything I told her and try to get over it... .it will take time

It kind of sinked in? But I can tell her emotions were ramping up... .then she went on about how she can't be with me because she can't trust me... .how she thinks it's her job to tell the bride and the girls and how it will relieve her... .and she doesn't care the reprecussions

I told her I understood but disagree and that would make things worst for everyone... .and it turned into me defending the guys going to a strip club then turned into me hiding something because she thinks the guys will say I did something at the strip club based on what she read online

she talked more how this is too hard and this probably won't work and she will give it some time to work it out

Shortly after that she said that how we are acting and how I am treating won't work in the future ... .I agreed how WE were acting is not working

Then she shut down ... .told me what issues I have again with leaving details out

And she asked me one last question ... .if I find out you left anything out from anyone what do you want me to do ?

I said you need to trust me

And we slept on that

[Triedmybest408]

Update 06/24/17. I decided to send her text because i ended up going to my car event. Just let her know that I made it safe, then i let her know that i went to visit my mom. She replied with "OK"

I let her know when I got home. and she replied with what time she will get off. I guess it was a relief to me to know she is communicating. She gets home I say hi and she says hi... .but then i decide to give her a hug and she tells me "I don't feel the same way I use to about you anymore", I said I understand with whats going on you feel that way. I brushed it off and did my thing.

She stayed in the bed room as if it was bed time it was late already after 11:00PM. I decide to join her and she was distant. she faced the wall as if she was going to sleep, then she started crying. I tried comforting her and she told me again "I don't feel the same way about you anymore" "When I am at work i don't even think about you, but now I am home and its not the same anymore". She went on to say I think this is the end and we need to go our separate ways. I was obviously so confused, I told her I still loved her and don't want to do this. Then she replied she can't get over it and everytime she thinks about it makes her angry. I told her I understood, but assured her nothing happened. She went to ask me, so what do you want to do "Live here or leave?" She also stated that its not fair to both of us that we are going through this over NOTHING *i thought there was a breakthrough maybe she is accepting the truth*

mind you I felt that she was calm in this scenario (no rage, no analyzing of my words, she was talking to me in a calm manner)

something back of my head started to think this might be a test... .but I was emotional (my mistake) and I told her I don't know, I could go back to my brothers place (where my family lives, my mom etc) and I asked her what she would do. She replied with my parents (who live 9 hours south in the desert, where there is nothing). Not thinking I said you would give up your job and move out there? and she said yes she will try to transfer and I said just live here for a little bit, and she said she can't afford it. I then said her aunt is an option... .she said yes... .She asked if I will be ok? I said no but what choice do I have if you don't want to be with me and I asked the same back and she said I will be fine. She even said I hope i was good to you and I said she always has been always. and I told her I hope that I have been because thats all I wanted for her ... .she nodded

*short silence*

then she gets up goes outside and starts bawling on the floor. *this is when I realized I messed up and should of listen to my hunch about this being a test*

She broke down saying she can't believe this is happening, and how I just let her go, and how easy it was for to me let her go. I knew she was triggered.

She went on to say how come it was so easy! how come you let me go? I was so lost at this point.

Thats when she used this against me. She said if the strip club was nothing and this whole thing is nothing. how come it was so easy for you. I told her its not easy and I have never let her go.

She wanted explanation why we just planned our breakup. I told her we didn't plan anything, I felt like she wanted to really break up. That's when I realize I started JADEing. So i stopped it I can see the her emotions building up. So i asked her to get up and go to the bedroom.

We went to the room and I told her look I understand this is hurting but I am here I will fight for us and work on this with you. It will take time to get over this. I thought I had a break through. She came into my arms crying in bed. I was caught off guard, so I held her and gave her kisses because i felt like that's what she needed. I continued to let her know that I be here and i love her and we will work through this. She then reverted back to how come you let me go? I stated that I did not let her go. Then she pushed back some more and said yes you did.

That's when things escalated even further she went into rage. Saying i need to set her free and tell her the truth. She went full circle asking me to tell me the story over, help her get over it. I tried validating and letting her know that we need to stop this for us to move on. That made it worst.

She is noticing how I am not fighting back or at least to me less JADEing. So she says I dont know what it is you are doing, it is not working. This person I am talking to, I dont know this person she says. She says this is making me really suspicious even more ... .what is it your are hiding. I just stated again everything has been told, nothing has happened. She goes if you did nothing... .who did? why are you protecting them? I KNOW SOMETHING HAPPEN. I just said you are getting really upset, Ive told you again that nothing happen. This just made it worst. She started putting clothes on and said she needs to walk. I asked that she does not because it is now 3AM. I offered to leave and she stay in the room. She yelled we can both leave and walk our own directions.

she stomped out. I knew I shouldn't of went after her, but I put clothes on to make sure she would be safe. Luckily she didn't walk very far she went out and right back in... .right when i was walking after her.

We went back and she raged again telling me she doesn't understand why I am getting so angry when she talks about this subject. at this point I had to explain my side. I told her that she has been attacking me from the beginning, when i told her everything and was bring honest, but she continues to attack me. She replied "ARE YOU STICKING WITH THAT STORY? THATS THE STORY YOU ARE STICKING TO? YOU ARE WILLING TO PUT ME THROUGH THIS BECAUSE OF SOMETHING YOU ARE HIDING IN YOUR HEAD?" Thats when I said That is the truth, but you are really upset and I need to go outside because talking isn't helping. "GO AHEAD WALK AWAY BECAUSE YOU ARE LYING!" so I went outside.

Maybe 10 minutes after she asked if I am coming to bed.

I was uneasy still, but the tension seem different. She laid in bed, She asked me "was it really nothing". I told her yes it was nothing. She said "you didn't do anything"... I responded yes I did nothing. she grabbed my hand put it to her lips and we cuddle to sleep. I told her that I love her and always will, will continue to fight for us and we can get through this. She nodded kissed my hand. I still felt uneasy because we just went through this. And we slept

today 06/25/17 everything seems better. She made sure to tell me that she needed to be up at 10AM for work. She got up and got ready. I tried to be normal. I noticed she was in the kitchen so I came in. weighed myself on the scale and she asked if i lost any weight (we are both working out for a vegas trip). everything seemed "ok" but not exactly the same for me cause of what happen. I asked if she was hungry and she replied just like normal not really but if you eat I will eat some, so I made eggs. She got ready and she went to work. hugged and kissed her bye and told her to text me when she gets there. She is at work now and she texted me.

What do I do now? what can I do moving forward?

Obviously this might or most likely isn't over just subsided, because we have had this happen every other week since the bachelor party , this just happen to the the worst of it.

im still lost, but not as down feeling because I felt like we had some progress

Maybe I am looking into the BPD stuff too much, but in our 10 years yes we had some blow ups but she gets over them pretty quickly overall we are amazing (could I be trying too hard to look at our good then the bad?) In the last few years, she has been great no major blow ups... maybe this stripper thing is just a huge boundary that triggered her?

[Triedmybest408]

Not sure why but I have bit of anxiety today and I'm suppose to go to a housewarming having a hard time getting the energy to get ready

[Triedmybest408]

My question: do we go on as if nothing happen... .texts seem to be normal I let her know I wish she was with me for the housewarming to check out the place our friend just got.

And I just wait for the next trigger which could this weekend or in a month?

We have a friends bday party Saturday which includes a strip club... .and she's adamant on going because she thinks it'll help her cope... .I'm having anxiety over that too because I'm imagining what's going to happen after when we go home

[Gumiho]

do we go on as if nothing happen... .

My own gf uses to do that, so I adapted. She once told me it's best not to mention anything.
Taking that with a grain of salt tho as this 'sweeping under the rug'-mentality is fuel for further blowups. I sometimes jokingly call her babyvolcano for that reason.
In my case it's best to wait for a (oh so damn rare) moment I'm good to address issues. So damn rare ._.

[Triedmybest408]

My own gf uses to do that, so I adapted. She once told me it's best not to mention anything.
Taking that with a grain of salt tho as this 'sweeping under the rug'-mentality is fuel for further blowups. I sometimes jokingly call her babyvolcano for that reason.
In my case it's best to wait for a (oh so damn rare) moment I'm good to address issues. So damn rare ._.

This is exactly what we normally do... .actually but being this being a really sensitive issue for both of us... .I wonder if I should do something different

But I think we will not mention it ... .and we triggers again I'll try to be stronger and go through it

Thanks

[Gumiho]

When gf still used to live in the same town I used to call her over, do a cake party and "create" those good moments. (maybe you have your own way to do this, then try it) ... in our case that worked in 8 of 10 cases and rarely ever backfired

[Triedmybest408]

Spoke too soon the texts have changed to short texts short answers

Let her know our friends miss her not here

Just replies what no one knows her there

They all do though ... .

[Triedmybest408]

6/25/17 last night when she got home, it was like we were back to normal. talking about normal stuff and even saying how excited we are about our upcoming plans. All confusing but relieving at the same time. So ill sweep under the rug for now

unfortunately we did get intimate (is this make up sex? i assume this isnt helping, like i am rewarding what happen?)

She did however plan a trip to see her parents next holiday weekend july 4... .her aunt and her are going to drive down south. She did not mention it to me (it doesn't bother me because of the situation we just had and I can't take days off).

my real concern is this saturday for one our friends bday he wants to end the night at a strip club, it will be guys and girls going. But my gut feeling is this is going to trigger her and we will be back to the rage which I am prepared for. I don't want to participate but i am afraid to tell her that I don't want to go, only for her to use that as if I am hiding something about the bachelor party or that im guilty of something.

any thoughts? or am i crazy?

[Triedmybest408]

Could I be looking into this too much... .while we are "ok/good" right now... .

I still feel like our text messages aren't the same, we are usually "lovey duby" we call each other babe or our pet names we use for each other... .

but it seems like I am the only doing it right now... .and she's texting me like a normal person.

I probably need to let it go and not obsess over it?

[Gumiho]

she wants to end the night at a strip club, it will be guys and girls going. But my gut feeling is this is going to trigger her and we will be back to the rage ...

Sounds like fun. But grab her by her collar and drag her out if need be.

... .but it seems like I am the only doing it right now... .and she's texting me like a normal person ... .

Very classic. Act like you're devil on earth and the next moment act like nothing happened. Play along is the best choice. Don't throw fuel into the fire.
(my girlfriend calls this 50/50, love/hate, or whatever she refers this to. I'm still trying to teach her that this doesn't exist to me) She's in disassociation mode.

[Triedmybest408]

Sounds like fun. But grab her by her collar and drag her out if need be.

Very classic. Act like you're devil on earth and the next moment act like nothing happened. Play along is the best choice. Don't throw fuel into the fire.
(my girlfriend calls this 50/50, love/hate, or whatever she refers this to. I'm still trying to teach her that this doesn't exist to me) She's in disassociation mode.

Its suppose to be fun . Before she went into a rage last wednesday. She was excited about it... actually she kept bringing it up with our friends (which for me was odd, but for them they were enjoying it). Mind you the first blow up right after the bachelor party she mentioned that she wanted to go to a strip club to really see what goes down saying she would feel better if can see what goes down ( I was against it because I don't like strip clubs, this backfired as a "why... .did you do something you dont want me to know?". She then let our other group of friends (that doesnt know our friend from the bachelor party) say she wants to go strip club cause I went to one in mexico... .thats when this friend decided to plan a stripper bday party... .(she actually thinks she persuaded him but it was actually another girls idea)

 My plan is to go but I will just hang back and she can do her thing (I really am uncomfortable with strip clubs this would be only my 3rd time ... the bachelor party was my 2nd ... .1st time was like when I was 20... I am 31 now). My close best friend who I been consoling with my situation thinks it will be a good thing cause she will have fun and may lighten up (i think otherwise obviously).

Honestly i feel like this is going to be an alcohol induced craziness (thinking the worst) and I feel I have to act a certain way that night or she might say something like OO so you were fine in the strip club... .is this how it was in mexico... .it was probably worst because I wasn't there!

[Triedmybest408]

Has anyone done anything "extreme" as a last resort to show their BPD partner the accusations are false?

Maybe I'm just playing scenarios in my head but what if I cave in last resortand get a group of the guys ask them to tell the gf that we did go to strip club and I really didn't do anything?

And just let her take that for what it is

I feel like this could be disasterous ... .and she will make up some story that we all grouped together to "protect" me. And she may just go deeper into rage (afterall she said on the internet all the guys make up this story for bachelor parties)

This would obviously make my friendships end in turmoil because I "tattled"

I would probably consider leaving gf because this really breaks a trust between us... .I trust that anything I say to her stays between us (is that considered a boundary?)

i doubt I'd ever do this ... .but just wondering

[Triedmybest408]

update 06/27/17: Everything seem to be ok much better. We were back to our daily routine. After work we went to the gym (we joke alot at the gym, we aren't bodybuilders so we like to make fun of the serious people in the gym ), we decided to make low carb pizza for the first time and we did it together... .it was amazing... .

I still have my guard up... .towards the end of the night... .i obviously still had anxiety deep down we were laying in bed... .I turned the lights off we cuddled, but i knew I couldn't sleep right away and she can tell. She said turn the lights on... .

*This is where uh oh... .can she tell? is this going to turn into something?*

It actually turned into, she apologized to me and said please anything that I said that hurt you i don't mean it... .when I get mad... I cant help it... .and if it hurt you I am sorry. I told her that I know and she has nothing to worry about. She said she thought back to our relationship and knows how good we are together, and she apologizes for how upset she gets. I told that I loved her greatly and would not leave her because I know how amazing we are and if there are any issued we can work on it. She said when I get mad though I usually can get over it quick... .this last blow up last longer and it scared me.

I told her i love her and we went to bed (i still couldn't sleep but forced myself anyways)... .


RELIEVED... .but i guess i Just wait for the next one and learn to deal with it better.

[Gumiho]

RELIEVED... .but i guess i Just wait for the next one and learn to deal with it better.

Glad to read that ^^

[Triedmybest408]

Just wondering, maybe I'll feel better.


While things are back to normal and I feel like I am slowly getting back to normal... .

I know its going to take a stronger me for next time... .

but I still feel a little beaten down, I also feel I may have caved in to the stuff she said during her rage... .

The repetitive rage since April/May... .has me overthinking too much... .almost as if I am in guilt? but I shouldn't be ... .I did nothing wrong, but its a bit hard to shake.

any tips to get over it... .

I realized lately it has been hard to be "normal", I am usually the "funny" guy in my circles, but I feel a hazyness as if I am not all here... .when I noticed that I created a bubble. For example: the housewarming party it was some what hard for me to engage in the conversations even when I knew what we were talking about... .id end up staring at the tv instead.

i guess this is "FOG" ?

[Gumiho]

For example: the housewarming party it was some what hard for me to engage in the conversations even when I knew what we were talking about... .id end up staring at the tv instead.

i guess this is "FOG" ?

Not sure about FOG. Probably?

Today when I rode the bus to our outskirts science campus (takes well over an hour to get there) I noticed I just stared at road, though I usually engage in cellphone use. My mind kept racing about why I don't do anything but staring (my mind races 24/7). I now think it was a reaction to the severe stress I experienced, my body just logged off. (if I overanalyze that, as I did, ... it was a state of Dissociation). So it's a coping mechanism of our brain. I think.
I noticed because I was bawling again on the way to my college administration.

Tips to overcome it?
Engage, engage and engage. Do rewarding things for YOU.
When I went to campus today, I met a friend who invited me for lunch. It was a blessing (we ___ed about our professors giving bad grades and earning a sh*tload of money)... .30 minutes stepping out of that bull load of crap I waded through (still sorta am though things improved radically).
Other than that. Be more selfish? ^^

[Triedmybest408]

Not sure about FOG. Probably?

Today when I rode the bus to our outskirts science campus (takes well over an hour to get there) I noticed I just stared at road, though I usually engage in cellphone use. My mind kept racing about why I don't do anything but staring (my mind races 24/7). I now think it was a reaction to the severe stress I experienced, my body just logged off. (if I overanalyze that, as I did, ... it was a state of Dissociation). So it's a coping mechanism of our brain. I think.
I noticed because I was bawling again on the way to my college administration.

Tips to overcome it?
Engage, engage and engage. Do rewarding things for YOU.
When I went to campus today, I met a friend who invited me for lunch. It was a blessing. 30 minutes stepping out of that bull load of crap I waded through (still sorta am though things improved radically).
Other than that. Be more selfish? ^^

Thanks, strange but I feel like I can relate.

I will keep myself busy, you are right if I am sitting down doing nothing or even listening to music... .I find myself lost... .then all of sudden I am thinking back to what did I do, what could I have done different... .then it turns to thinking way too much... .

Especially when I lay in bed with my fiance to sleep... .my mind races and i do everything to think of other things which makes it longer to sleep *i am worried she will catch it and say something*

I will be more selfish!

[Gumiho]

Oh and if the walls keep on closing in, get the hell out of there. Step away of what keeps crushing you, that's the only way to process it rationally in my case.
When I'm FOGed I often wander the neighborhood like a zombie, sit down at some convenience store (we have those kiosklike little epicerie things on every corner in Seoul), or some coffee shop and sip a cafe latte (or beer ). Greatly helps me to process. Enforced distraction.

[Triedmybest408]

Thanks gumiho!

[Triedmybest408]

Is there a way to modify old posts... .me being paranoid... .would like to delete some of it... .just in case it can be searched on google... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Triedmybest408]

Gumiho or others,

so what are somethings you do post rage. I am really walking on a minefield i feel like more than ever. and I am hypersensitive to triggering her. for example during our fight she made a plan to visit her parents 8 hours away without telling me (she told me when we made up). We were talking about what we should make for dinner last night before the gym (we were making a lot, pizza and cooking meats for the next couple days) and I realized i said maybe we should save that dish (she wanted to try making a new dish to try) for when she gets back because she is leaving (we will have enough food). I felt like this triggered her because she reacted to ... .why would you say that? I am not leaving tomorrow? I leave Monday... .is it cause you want me to leave? I apologized and let her know that I meant we have enough food to last us till she gets back.
*there was a strange pause* This triggered me as well and we went to gym and I think we both brushed it off.

right now i find myself still getting over our past fight, but find myself spacing out from all the stress, especially driving.

This is becoming obvious to my gf and she asks if I am ok... .and if I am still here?... I brush it off and say I am fine and just tired... .(I am actually scared to say the wrong thing?). When we cooked last night with all the noises I couldn't hear what she was saying, and she asked again "ARE YOU OKKKKKKKK?" again I just said I couldn't hear her.

Do i tell her the truth that I am still "recovering" over our fight or is that a bad idea in that it may trigger her into something like "why is it bugging you? if its nothing? is there something you need to tell me? is there something you are hiding still that's making you feel this way?" then I would end up JADEing about how she made me feel, then i feel like we might go in a circle again? She will probably feed off me still feeling a certain way about our past fight and it will fuel her?

its best to sweep it under the rug and try to continue on and not let it get to me? or show her that she got a reaction from our last blow up?

[Gumiho]

Is there a way to modify old posts... .me being paranoid... .would like to delete some of it... .just in case it can be searched on google... .

You could try asking a moderator on the Help Desk + Knowledge board, I don't know what they are willing to do or what not.

... .Do i tell her the truth... .

In my case most often this would be the best option, gf always honored my honesty.
However you seem to be walking on eggshells understandably, I'd refrain from using JADE/accusative words, "bugging", hiding", "circle again" (negative expressions) are a no-go... .I'd go by something like "aw seahorsey, how did you know? (laugh) ... I (just) don't want the stuff to spoil, you know, because I wanna eat it with you and not alone" (even "just" has been a triggerword to hypersensitive hippocampus ). (bear hug) "I'm not fighting with scary seafood". ... she'd just laugh it off

In other words, sweep it under the rug... .save it for a good moment... -.-;

[Triedmybest408]

Thanks! 

today I feel bit better!

we party friday and saturday... .might be back here sunday   hopefully not

[Triedmybest408]

Thanks! 

today I feel bit better!

we party friday and saturday... .might be back here sunday   hopefully not

Question for you guys... .how do you deal with past history past accusations that come back up when a huge blowout happens... .do you still validate and do the things You do to let it blow over?

The accusation that I posted about I know will stick with us forever... .while I'm determined to get over with her... .it won't go away, but the problem is everything is not true but I can see why she thinks something happened

All I can do is be me and try not to give her reasons to question me, but I know it will come back again

[Triedmybest408]

Update: We ended up going to a bar with dancers. had our fun . she got her own lap dance  .

It was weird in the beginning she did ask me to compare to mexico, I told her the one we were at now was way crazier then the one i went to (this one was packed! and maybe twice the girls). She did ask me again if I did anything in mexico i kindly told her I didn't and I told her the way I am acting now is how I acted in mexico (i literally sat and drank). I told her that I wouldn't do stuff like this cause its not my thing. She said ":)on't worry you are with me now"... .

as the night progressed she observed more of people getting dances... and the more I can tell things might get escalated ... .she kept saying this place is crazy... .I can only imagine Mexico (she thinks mexico is like 100X worse/crazier) I just told her no. She kept saying she was going to get me a lapdance... .i told her no several times. So i told her to buy the birthday boy one. Later on in the night she was talking to my friend (who was with me in mexico) she kept throwing little hints out there "We should get him (me) a lapdance... .since he didn't get one in mexico" ... .my friend said YA! thats right!.

AS the night came to an end... .we all have been drinking... .she went into her normal asking me to "tell her the truth" "set me free" "just tell me". I guess my mistake if this was JADEing, all I could say I have done nothing. Her response was "how come I don't believe you"... All I could say is I dont know but i am telling you the truth.

We ended up going back to our friends house to end the night... .She was drunk and still continuing to ask me for the truth... .At this point some people were noticing (especially my best friend who I have been consoling with about this situation). Me not wanting to start a scene I just said babe nothing happen you can trust me, but it just went in circles and that when I called a cab home because it was becoming more awkward within our group.

I am not sure if this was a good thing or not, but we got home and she fell asleep. We woke up and she acted if nothing happen. She told me while she was in the strip club, she asked my friend if I got a lap dance in Mexico and he told her no (I don't know if it helps her get over it... .probably not). She then retracted to "How did "yourfriend" push me to get a lapdance so hard last night, and he didnt push you in mexico". I just told her that everyone knew where I stood and I asked no one to bug me if they asked me for in mexico. I then told her, they probably wanted one of the girls to get a dance and they chose you (Might be Jadeing, but she was the only girl in the group excited to go)

my best friend finally got to see first hand, He decided next day to group text us... .asking if we were okay because we were both really quiet back at our friends house at the end of the night (he wanted to kind of show that some of them noticed how we were)... but she brushed it off as being drunk... .so did I (at least in the text).

should I have said something about her attacking me with questions throughout the end if night in front of everyone? or I should just keep it brushed under the rug.

We were fine for the rest of the day (doing our couple stuff), obviously I am still thinking about back of my head... Shes on a mini trip visit her parents.

[Triedmybest408]

Need some quick advice... .it's July 4

My friend who was the groom who got married (the bachelor )

And some friends are having a BBQ

I sort of want to go since I am alone today

But i feel like it may be a bad idea? May trigger my gf even though she is 8 hours away... .

Should I go? Or do I continue to walk on egg shells (I'm ok not going but that could be due to FOG?)

[foggydew]

If you want to go, go. You can't build your life around someone else's insecurities. They are going to surface whatever you do. If she needs to, she will find a way to interpret your going and even your not going. So do what you need to do.