My Story (A Bit Long)

[mroizo]

Hi all,

My soon to be Ex-wife of 10 years (7 years dating) recently left me for another man, moved in with him after 5 months, purchased a house with him during month 7 of dating and completely shut down and wall'd me off like I never existed. Although she has not been diagnosed with BPD I highly suspect that's what it is now that distance has been created and I'm on the outside looking in. I met my ex in the summer of 2005 at a party and we hit it off over a few drinks and jokes. When we first met she explained to me how she had trust issues, jealousy, had been cheated on in every relationship, sexually abused as a child, extremely shy with very little inter personal skills, and come from a broken home with a drunk/cheater of a father and no real structure.

I came from a middle class family, loving parents, a good foundation of morals and ethics, close knit family, and well educated. We were two opposite ends of the spectrum but we fell in love fast and she would rant and rave to anyone and everyone about how lucky and happy she was to have a man like myself in her life.

That's when the red flags started to show up. She had crazy fits of rage and would kick and punch me, scream at me, tell me she hated me, chase me in her car and block the doorway so I couldn't leave if we had an argument, etc. She was insanely jealous and would accuse me of cheating, periodically delete female friends from my social media accounts hoping I wouldn't notice and even set up dummy accounts on social media and would message me to see if I would stray. She had an eating disorder and would eat and then purge because she was self conscious of her image even though she was a beautiful girl. She had big time co dependency and fear of abandonment issues as she never wanted to be without me, would constantly make me promise to never leave her, and when I would leave her house to go home she would cry (this lasted about a year) not to mention her collection of stuffed animals and her periodic  childish baby talk.

Every time something major happened that would cause a  huge blow out she would beg and plead for me to not leave her or for us to break up, in fact the only time we broke up in 10 years was when she left me. As many times as I wanted to walk away in the 10 years I never did because I loved her and promised her I wouldn't be like everyone else and abandon her when things got tough... .and boy did they get tough.

In those ten years I helped, guided, taught, mentored, and supported her through every endeavor, every set back, achievement, and dire situation that came her way. It was like she had the worst luck I've ever seen a person have and she just couldn't catch a break. I now realize that I enabled her because I never let her fail and I always rescued her and cleaned up her mess's.  Her mother abandoned her by letting her ex husband who was responsible for my ex's child abuse move back in to their house because she was "lonely" and told my ex you can either stay here or move out. A buddy of mine and I (while that piece of crap was there), moved everything of out my ex's room and into my room and storage at my parents house because she had no where else to go.

About six months later (year 5 of relationship) one night I discover she was cheating on me. I asked her to tell me everything and she admitted that she had cheated with two different guys approx. 2-3 each and she couldn't tell me why she had done it but that she felt "something was missing" and that she had a "void". I was heartbroken and crushed... .and because she had no where else to go I didn't kick her out.

Nothing was ever enough for my ex and she always wanted more and more. I equated it to a child being infatuated with a  new toy until it lost its luster and then only a new toy would suffice. I had to constantly talk her down after she would freak out and say she had nothing to show for her life when she compared herself to everyone around her. I had to remind her of where she use to be with her alcoholic father moving state to state so he could live with women he met online, eating at food banks and sleeping at shelters sometimes when she was with her mom, wearing boys clothes and being bullied and picked on in school, in trouble with the law and that she needed to focus on where she was now in life. The fact that she got her GED, got a college education, lived in nice places, bought a brand new car, eventually got her dream job, we traveled, took trips, ate fancy dinners, etc. I exposed her to a whole new world she had never even seen and helped her achieve everything she set out to do... .still nothing was enough and she always wanted more.

The biggest mistake I ever made was marrying her trusting her that she would never hurt me again and boy was I wrong. In the end she just flipped a switch and became cold hearted and evil. suddenly I wasn't good enough, didn't make enough money, and wasn't motivated enough for her. She left me for guy with a stable local government job in a neighboring city to hers that promised her the world. She forced me out of our home and was so cruel it was as if I was speaking to a different person all together. I never felt so many painful emotions as I did the day a mobile notary came to my work and had me sign paperwork stating the house my wife and her boyfriend were buying together in no way belonged to me as our divorce wasn't finalized yet. The guy she left me for is divorced twice and his second divorce was because he caught his wife getting banged in their bed. My ex said she told her bf all about the cheating, eating disorder, abuse, etc. Well... .good luck to him!


Not once in our ten years did I ever research disorders or mental illness as I just thought she had a rough childhood and was very awkward and introverted because of it. Again, She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but it appears that she has a lot of the issues and symptoms associated with it. Thanks for letting me vent and sorry for the long read.

[ShadowIntheNight]

There are elements of your story that are similar to mine. The two biggest were the leaving twice. The first time she never fully left. It's like she had me tethered so she could see if there was something else she wanted out there. I realize now that she never planned to leave me or even let me go. It was just her looking and making sure I was hanging around til she decided to come back.

This last time, I didn't allow myself to be tethered. And I have no idea who she is with now if anyone. We were together 9.5 years (a lesbian couple). She had been married to a man for 10 years prior to us getting together. She was sexually abused as a child, a rager (tho never at me!) and became increasingly controlled by her friends and mother. Like you it's as if a switch turned off inside her and she became a different person. Everything I had ever done for her never mattered, our relationship never mattered, the only thing that mattered was her doing what she thought everyone wanted her to do.

She, by the way is a 46 year old therapist. This happened in the last 12 months. It's not like she was a college aged kid. So I have no idea what set her off or why. I have my suspicions,but it's just my idea. She abandoned our relationship, has never given me an explanation for her actions, and was extremely cruel in the manner she did it.

It involved my birthday which is approaching and because of her actions I don't intend to spend a moment with anyone, but try and ignore the day as best I can.   My ex as I said is a therapist yet she is the most immature, selfish, cruel, destructive person I've ever met. After almost 10 years of supporting her emotionally and financially all I have to show for it are her hang up phone calls every week to week and a half. She can't even say hello she's so gutless.

As for you, a spotted leopard never changes it's spots. So the guy she's with caught his ex in bed with another guy. Imagine his surprise when the third woman he's been with ends up in his bed with another man. He clearly has about as much insight as a flea. So don't worry about them. Only worry when she comes crying back. I'm sure she will.

[mroizo]

Shadow,

Isn't it amazing how they can just flip that switch and show no emotion? She completely devalued me and everything that was accomplished over the ten years turned from "we" and instantly became "me". The things I did  for that woman and the help I gave her and her family  were noticed by all our outside family and mutual friends. They saw everything I did for her and are shocked that that we are divorcing due to "growing apart" (Only told a few people the real reason for divorce). She told me she always felt like I treated her like a project. I tried to explain to her that I saw and fell in love with a person that needed help and so I helped. I did all of it expecting absolutely nothing in return... .simply seeing her happy, overcome her obstacles, and become successful was all I wanted.

Its been almost a year since she left and we continue to go through the same cycle of "we shouldn't talk anymore" and "lets go no contact"... .almost a year apart and we still end up texting every few days or so. After researching BPD I feel that Ive been painted black in her eyes. When I was painted white she made me feel like the most important, special, and greatest man she'd ever met and fell in love with, now if we communicate I can sense the anger and resentment, the one word answer or short responses. I am instantly negatively associated now and its painful.

I also think she's using triangulation as she is with her new guy yet doesn't want to fully let go of me either because she wants her cake and to eat it too, likes the attention from both sides, or wants to keep me on reserve just incase. She asked me a few days ago "do you know in your heart that we'll never be together again?", I simply replied with "I honestly don't know", to which she replied "you should know". That response right there from her kind of shows that she wants some reassurance from me to know she can come back whenever if she should eventually want to.

Her step brother reached out to me asking what happened because he knew as madly in love as she was with me and for us to be divorcing he suspected his sister had "F***ed" it up some how. I opened up to him and explained the situation... .his response was "I'm sorry man but she's always kind of been like that... .you guys were together so long I assumed she grew out of it". I come to find out she's cheated in and been cheated on in every relationship she's ever had. The last relationship before ours she had told me her ex had cheated on her and when I relayed that to her brother he told me it was the other way around. She had cheated on him. Just as she had done to me by lining up her current bf before making a run for it she had done to her previous ex with me.

She had told me her current relationship at the time was pretty much over, he had cheated on her, etc. She ended their 4 relationship and we started officially dating almost a month after. What kind of person can go from a 4 year serious relationship to dating a new person a month later? I guess the same person who can go from a 10 year relationship to dating someone new with 3 weeks of ending the relationship.


Just like you, Shadow. I feel when all was said and done that I have nothing to show for my efforts after ten years and the emotional roller coaster has left me scarred, emotionally battered, and I'm scared to ever want to truly be in a relationship again because if after ten years at the snap of a finger everything we built, overcame, and earned together can just disappear almost over night... .it just almost isn't worth it to go through that again. I feel used and i'm angry that I spent so much energy and wasted 10 years of my life helping someone who just ended up throwing me away. After ten years my whole life is now in a few boxes and im living with my brother in his spare bedroom.

After reading up on BPD its become apparent that my ex follows a pattern and is very much doing so with her new bf. The parallels of what she's doing with him that she did in our relationship are eerily similar... .jealousy, rage, deleting his female friends from social media, mirroring his identity by liking and doing everything he likes, etc. He just like me seems like a nice, educated, stable, good family upbringing, and fairly normal individual. Only difference is he is very passive, easily controlled, and she walks all over him where as I would push back. As you said... .a leopard doesn't change its spots and its only a matter of time before she cheats again in an attempt to find validation and fill her unfillable void.