I no longer have strong feelings for him: Has anyone else felt this way?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Has anyone else felt this way before? Warning: The following might make me sound like a nut. I'm posting anyway in case others can or for they matter cannot relate. I feel like with an open mind any shared knowledge can be useful.

I have been going through NC and the other day I felt in my body and mind that we are finally done. He used to say that we are the same person connected forever, blah blah blah. Is it just me or is there a possibility that I can feel that he has literally let go and I am now free? Is this wishful thinking?

While I still suffer from bouts of anger and fear (regarding my own self and participation in the toxicity of the relationship) I no longer have strong feelings for him. I feel calm for once. And I'm genuinely hoping he has reached that state too.

[Getoverit]

Has anyone else felt this way before? Warning: The following might make me sound like a nut. I'm posting anyway in case others can or for they matter cannot relate. I feel like with an open mind any shared knowledge can be useful.

I have been going through NC and the other day I felt in my body and mind that we are finally done. He used to say that we are the same person connected forever, blah blah blah. Is it just me or is there a possibility that I can feel that he has literally let go and I am now free? Is this wishful thinking?

While I still suffer from bouts of anger and fear (regarding my own self and participation in the toxicity of the relationship) I no longer have strong feelings for him. I feel calm for once. And I'm genuinely hoping he has reached that state too.

[heartandwhole]

Makes sense to me, Getoverit. There are a lot of human experiences that are sometimes hard to explain.

I’ve definitely had similar feelings. There was a point where I knew I was done, and it affected me mentally and physically. I was actually getting “messages” before the final breakup, but I didn’t want to let go.

I also felt the push/pull, trauma, distance, etc. during and after our breakup quite viscerally. So, you are not alone!

The thing for me was, when I felt that “break” inside of me, I knew I’d never go back. Do you think you’ve reached a similar point?

heartandwhole

[Getoverit]

Thank you for reading my post and responding heartandwhole.

I have felt "done" with the relationship many times. Each time something horrific would happen I'd think, "There's no way I'm going back." and then he'd threaten to kill himself, etc. and I'd find myself apologizing to him. This is the longest I've gone without seeing him and I can definitively say there is no future for us. I think I've always known. I noted signs of his odd (that's how I clueless I was!) behavior and comments from the beginning yet I stayed and couldn't stand my ground. It's different now though. I just hope I don't relapse. It truly does feel like I'm going through recovery from drug or alcohol addiction.

How long did it take for you to feel strong and happy again?

[Shawnlam]

I believe so yes.I think that feeling you got was both your heart and brain coming to terms with this person almost like they shook hands on the subject and said” ok dossier closed “.It takes awhile for the mind to catch up to the heart or vice-versa but all in all I think you have had enough and that’s a good thing.What do you think are your next steps now in terms of helping yourself?

[Getoverit]

Thank you for your reply. I've been trying to focus less on the unknown and instead be more present with myself. My goal is to regain much of my lost confidence and self esteem by doing things like spending time with people who know me and treat me kindly. One of the things I never understood about my former partner is how he could criticize me and put me down. I felt like he didn't know me well to begin with yet he would make nasty comments. He did this from the very start which is why I didn't tell him a whole lot. Additionally, he was too busy talking about himself and demonizing his ex (of course in time he idealized her and I found out he had been seeing her on the side) among other unusual behavior. Shame on me for not following my gut.

That's in the past now and I've forgiven myself for making a huge mistake that could have cost me my life. Better late than never.

For me to be ok with this conclusion is a big deal as I've always been unreasonably hard on myself.

[heartandwhole]

I totally get the feeling of going through withdrawal. It's so hard when there are threats of suicide and desperate pleas for help. I was fortunate that I didn't have to go through that. You are being very strong, Getoverit!

How long did it take for you to feel strong and happy again?

For me, after about 9 months, I began to feel an inkling of coming out of the pain and thinking that the future could be good again. At one year, I felt even more hopeful about life, and it just got better and better from there.

That said, everyone is on their unique timetable when it comes to recovery. Mine was a relatively brief relationship, and long distance, so that helped.

heartandwhole

[Getoverit]

Hello heartandwhole! Thank you for the supportive message. I thought it would be a lot harder to detach, but I'm doing ok. I hope by the end of the year I wlll stop thinking about him on a daily basis. Ive moved, changed my phone number, closed email accounts, done everything to follow through with no contact. As one person poignantly wrote: The door is wide open; it's my choice whether to walk through and shut the door behind me. I don't ever want to go back to that dark relationship. I now know why I was attracted, enabled, felt stuck. I also now know that I can avoid, be firm and set boundaries, and leave. It's immensely empowering and I'm feeling whole again. Another thing I've gained is experiencing the loyalty and love of my friendships. People around me (bpdfamily included) have come through for me listening for hours on end and doing all sorts of things to remind me that I'm not alone. I was taught to never display my emotions and keep family secrets so it's no surprise that I protected this toxic relationship for so long. When I finally reached out to people I learned how my vulnerabilities aren't always a weak point that will be used against me (as so many have).

I've tried to say to myself that I ought to really thank this individual for being part of a relationship that has helped me grow. I can't say that just yet without cringing since I feel the relationship damaged so much of my life. I can say with confidence that I thank myself and I give myself credit for not giving up on myself. My hope is that everyone who has been through a similar relationship dynamic will turn all love and attention towards himself/herself for once. Allow the emotions to settle, be real about what is happening, and with space and time life will be more enriching. I wish this for the individual suffering from BPD too.

[Cromwell]

Hi Getoverit

you sound like you have developed a very iron-clad positive attitude and foward looking goals to get your life back on track despite what youve went through. Ive full confidence youll get there just keep on track you are doing great.

weve all had different scenarios, ive never truly felt - even not 100% yet today a form of anxiety-related detachment from my ex. That was because of her high amount of stalking during and also after the r/s. It was partly my own mistake for allowing 3 recycles, it shows that it is possible to reconnect and it makes stuff like stalking or contact out of the blue (even years later) more likely than if I would have never gone back at all.

I have felt like you described, I think I can relate, I actually made a post on here about 10 months or so, (2 months into NC) saying that I felt completely detached. Yet it didnt last that long, it was a precursor to accessing a lot of regressed emotions I couldnt express during the relationship. So it was a bit of a false feeling of hope that it was all over - it was just the beginning .

but who knows, I hope it is for you.

[Getoverit]

Dear Cromwell, Thank you for your post and sharing your experience. I anticipate that I will be writing here again with a panic stricken post. As you have experienced, the stalking is happening already. A few weeks ago I was in my therapist's office every day full of fear and anxiety about the "what if's". He comes up with creative ways to bother me. I've accepted by reading many posts and literature that I can expect him to be watching me in some form or another until one of us dies. Yes, it feels that extreme. Currently, he has his ex (he one he had only negative feelings for during the love bombing stage with me), and other girls to keep him busy. I realized now that I have been part of his "collection" for years--just another girl. I'm no longer emotional about this. I've accepted it as part of who he is and that I don't have to include him  in my life. I suspect that once he gets bored or has an argument with one of his women he will reach out to me, but I want so badly to maintain my sense of self and bury the relationship. i hope I have the strength to ignore him for the rest of my life. Please encourage me to do so, Cromwell, should I come here asking if it's foolish of me to engage with him again.

[Cromwell]

Itll be ok Getoverit,

 just have faith in your determination and unwavering in your decisiveness that there is no hope for him ever back into your life in any form, and he will pick up on it and move on. He has no other choice. You have to take away any hope on his side.

In some ways I feel the naive guilty party that I couldnt fully detach despite trying, and allowed the recycles, it actually worked out better for me to find closure but I suspect it made things more difficult for her to deal with when I finally gave her the last cold shoulder. Whatever, we just do the best we can in the circumstances and so far so good, the stalking has stopped. Maybe in a years time I get a random message on facebook when she is in a slump moment, I can expect the likelihood but being prepared makes it easy, I know what to do. The only way forward ive found is there has to be full conviction in detaching, no half measures and no hesitation if confronted down the line. The objective is to move on, find fulfillment and happiness elsewhere and that means making this as clean a break as possible so that both sides know the lay of the land - sending mixed messages or a door partially creaked open is just prolonging the agony and stunting life moving forward. Its false hope for them as much as it is inviting chaos cycles again for us.

Closure is ultra difficult for those with BPD, yet dont make the mistake that I made and take the apparent tenacious attempts for reconciling as equalling desire/love or adoration. It isnt - it is just another hallmark of the disorder.

I am also part of the collection you mention - yet I at least differentiated myself as "Got a good run with Cromwell but got to respect he cast me out eventually and salvaged what little of his self esteem he had left"

a bit different from some of those guys who were still trying to be with her years prior, one of them 4 years after discard. (she ridiculed them to me).

differentiate yourself too Getoverit, love might not have been possible but at the very least I will make my ex respect me if nothing else.

[WindofChange]

I don't ever want to go back to that dark relationship. I now know why I was attracted, enabled, felt stuck. I also now know that I can avoid, be firm and set boundaries, and leave. It's immensely empowering and I'm feeling whole again. Another thing I've gained is experiencing the loyalty and love of my friendships. People around me (bpdfamily included) have come through for me listening for hours on end and doing all sorts of things to remind me that I'm not alone. I was taught to never display my emotions and keep family secrets so it's no surprise that I protected this toxic relationship for so long. When I finally reached out to people I learned how my vulnerabilities aren't always a weak point that will be used against me (as so many have).

Good for you, Getoverit! You sound so decisive and strong, pat yourself on the back for that and hold onto that resolve. I'm glad you have supportive friends who are encouraging you as well. It's great to have that support--we definitely need it. I'm sure the suicide threats made it so much more difficult (I've dealt with that as well). But you're out of it now and, as you said, can turn that care and attention and focus on yourself, and you deserve that. 
I'm getting there, too. Some events last weekend were the last nail in the coffin for me (angry, vicious texts and emails saying he hated me so much... .followed a few hours later by an apology saying he would always love me--whatever... .). I'm with you, I'm so done. It's a relief. I still shake my head over why I stayed for so long, but hey, I'm out of there now and will never, never go back.

[Getoverit]

Hi WindofChange,

I appreciate your encouraging words. You mentioned some things that happened this past weekend. I have experienced the same thing where it takes no less than a few minutes for him to go 180, back and forth, back and forth like a madman. Every time I'd go through that I'd lose it and turn into a monster myself (as in raising my voice, using profanity, literally pulling my hair out of frustration) trying to explain to him how scary he sounds. After several incidences (I foolishly engaged with this bizarre behavior one too many times) I told him I don't know what to believe anymore--does he love me or hate me--because he sounds so convincing of both sentiments. Of course he never ever answered a single question with a straight answer. I'd get "You say you care a lot me but you're being such a b***h. You explain yourself right now, you effin' b***h!" I would ASK him to PLEASE stop speaking to me that way and he would ignore me and continue with his f bomb exorcism. Shortly thereafter I'd get a mixture of voicemails, text messages, and emails terrorizing me in one form another.

I think about how I became someone I didn't recognize and was utterly ashamed of. I looked in the mirror once when I was yelling back at him. I never want to look that ugly again.

How did you respond when he would get nasty with you? Did you feel yourself changing over time?

[WindofChange]

Hi WindofChange,

I appreciate your encouraging words. You mentioned some things that happened this past weekend. I have experienced the same thing where it takes no less than a few minutes for him to go 180, back and forth, back and forth like a madman. Every time I'd go through that I'd lose it and turn into a monster myself (as in raising my voice, using profanity, literally pulling my hair out of frustration) trying to explain to him how scary he sounds.
 Shortly thereafter I'd get a mixture of voicemails, text messages, and emails terrorizing me in one form another.

I think about how I became someone I didn't recognize and was utterly ashamed of. I looked in the mirror once when I was yelling back at him. I never want to look that ugly again.

How did you respond when he would get nasty with you? Did you feel yourself changing over time?

Oh, I have so been there. I was so frustrated and upset and driven crazy by his behavior, yes, I would yell back, we had our times of screaming at each other, profanities flying, and it was so ugly. I felt so ashamed afterward of my complete lack of self control. Our fights kept escalating. Nothing physical against each other, but he did punch a hole in the door, and punched my dresser and cracked it. The times I tried hard to stay calm and walk away, he often wouldn't let me or he'd follow me to the bedroom. Then he'd say, "Oh, You're done talking so we have to do what You want to do... ."
 A few times, I left the apartment for a while. He did blow my phone up, but I just told him I would come back when he was able to talk with me calmly. Then I wouldn't respond anymore. When I came home, often he'd just have given up and gone to bed. Sometimes he was still up but he wasn't freaking out anymore.

But it took moving out of our apartment for me to be able to more consistently stay calm in my dealings with him. I just had to distance myself emotionally and talk to him as one might talk to, well, a seriously mentally ill person. I had to learn not to react to the personal attacks. I would try to respond with logic, not defending myself, but just stating the facts of where I was (when he accused me of messing around with someone else), and then say things like, "I understand you are very upset and in a bad state right now, but there is no need to yell. Let's just talk it out." I would ask, "Why would I still be with you if I'm _____ someone else? Does that really make sense? Think about it."
 
Sometimes I had to say I was willing to talk with him as long as he was able to calm down and not yell at me, but I was not willing to listen to abusive language. I don't know if this would work for everyone, but with him, often it did. Not every time. But this was over the phone, not in person.
I posted my story about what happened this weekend on another thread about No Contact. It's toward the end of the thread, I think. His bizarre, vicious behavior was finally enough that I knew I wanted no more contact with him--at all. I had been holding on some, waffling some, until then. He did me a favor, really, although that was definitely not his intention.

After he lost his job (not long after we separated), he was very depressed, and when he said stuff about suicide, saying everyone would be better off without him, I'd remind him of something we watched about someone who had dealt with depression who said when he was depressed he became paranoid, and he had feelings of worthlessness, and thought people would be better off without him--but that depression lies. I'm not sure if that part helps with your situation. But definitely distance and time help. Reading about responding, not reacting, helped me some. Thinking about the fact that I was dealing with someone who was emotionally a young child (albeit in the body of a large, sometimes scary man) helped--at least over the phone and via text. I put myself in the role of the calm adult. But I refused to keep enabling him. I still expected him to stay calm with me, and if he didn't, I would tell him I was ending the conversation.
This is what helped me, hopefully there's something in my words that might work for you, too. Obviously, NC is best, and hopefully you'll be able to just stay with that and won't have to deal with him at all.  

[Getoverit]

Hi WindofChange, I read your past posts. Had to make sure we weren't with the same guy! I've commented before how eery it is that the behaviors of these individuals are disturbingly similar and predictable. I recall thinking in the beginning of the relationship how gentle he seemed and that he must have had bad luck with women (every woman he mentioned had wronged him supposedly). I had told him several times that bad mouthing ex's is inappropriate and only makes him look bad and he managed to take that comment and turn it on me: "I'm opening up to you and you are taking their side?" Like a dummy, I apologized and learned to hate women I had never met before.

He is impatient and cheap so the love bombing phase did not last long. While it lasted he was acting and reading off his well rehearsed script. And just like the pop song from years ago goes he couldn't even "say my name". Baby this, baby that. I would try to tell him in a caring manner that he doesn't need to try so hard, to just be himself. He insisted that his affections for me were real and that o was the one who was toying with him. Every time I said or did something nice he would find a way to start an argument about how I was playing a sick joke on him. When I would stare at him in confusion he said my silence was an overt admission to "the truth". This was the beginning of the end of the relationship.

I'm happy to hear you moved out and created the spatial distance you both needed. I'm relieved that you have no children together.

Do you see yourself speaking to him again?

[WindofChange]

Getoverit, no, at this point, I don't want to speak to him again, see him again, anything. I am guilty of asking someone to look at his Twitter account and he was talking about looking at dating sites (of course-has to hurry and find someone else to not be alone). But I won't do that anymore. I need to move on and put him behind me for good.
He didn't really bad mouth all of his exes, so I hope he doesn't do it to me, but if he does, he does. He did say once toward the end, "it always ends up being about the money."    I had paid our rent by myself for a few months while he was out of work last year, and then also gave him money for gas and food and paid his car insurance, bought him tires once he got a new job... .He did pay me back some of the money, and I took his laptop as the rest of the payment (that I had bought him because I spilled something on his and messed it up and he had a fit). So I guess at least I got some of the money back. I had to pay for the broken door and its installation in the apartment once we moved out--I won't see that money, of course. Hard lesson learned.
I just feel so stupid, so naïve, like how could I have been such a bad judge of character? How could I have allowed myself to be treated so horribly and stayed for so long? But it came on so gradually. Things were so good in the beginning. I think they really went south a few months after we moved in together. He could never forgive me for something that happened early in our relationship (involving a sort of inappropriate friendship with another man--though it was never physical--an eye opener for me on my weak boundaries with others). But he always threw that out at me during every argument, calling me a liar because I had kept it from him for a while. I know it was wrong, and I guess my guilt made me stay, to keep trying to make it up to him, keep trying to prove that despite what happened in the first year of our relationship, that I was 100% committed to him. I stopped even talking to other men, other than to say hello or make small talk at work. I had no male friends at all. I did nothing that would upset him, rarely even saw my female friends. Told him where I'd be so he could check on me. But it was never enough. Sorry this is so long, just an illustration of how things evolved.
How long has it been since you had any contact with your ex, Getoverit? Do you think you'll ever want to talk to him again?

[Harley Quinn]

Getoverit,

I just caught up with your thread and want to commend you on your attitude and also to say that I felt that I had a physical release too.  In fact, if we pay attention to our bodies they tell us a lot about what's going on with our feelings.  That to me was the moment of no return, despite mentally deciding many times that I could take no more and then accepting further abuse from my ex.  You seem to be on a positive path forwards and I wanted to say that even when you stumble and struggle past this point, you can remain strong since this almost 'reset' you have experienced.  Just remember that you can have this level of resolve. 

It's OK to have bad days still, and that is no reflection of your progress.  It's just part of the process of releasing those feelings which may have been held back during the r/s and allowing the grief to pass through you.  You may grieve the loss of what you had imagined you could have.  I know I did, and grieved the loss of parts of myself that I'd opened up which I'd protected in the past.  Sort of a loss of that trust and innocent vulnerability.  There is much to process, but you are definitely moving ahead.  Keep giving the love to yourself that you so deserve and keep yourself safe, as my counsellor reminds me.  She's talking about my emotions and how I must protect myself from harm in that respect.  Wise woman.   

Love and light x