Called off engagement

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I got the email October 10. We had gotten engaged the day after Thanksgiving last year and he was pulling away, no sex, unexpected weekends away. You get it. Lying and cheating but never admitted it. Anyway, the email was titled the engagement is off. It went on to say that he wanted to move on and he thought it was best I did too. He wanted his personal items, HIS ring back and $300.00 for a trip we hand planned a back asap. He wanted to not talk personal but it to be over.

We have dated since my divorce 8 years ago. Met on a website two weeks after it was final. I was hesitant. We met casually for two months then it was full on. He told me he loved me within that second month. He was handsome to me now, complimentary, brought me flowers and bought me jewelry. We traveled to Cabo a month later and had our first break up 6 months after that.

The first break up lasted 4 months. He raged at me for some reason and dumped me in the middle of a parking lot one summer night with no way home. RED FLAG! I was shaking from the shock of it all. I called a friend to pick me up. Should have ended it then right?But oh how a missed him, coffee in the morning, great sex so of course not knowing the disease I emailed him and back we went. Another break up of 18 months, can you believe it. Back together after all that time. I did NC and then got an email from him that was a joke or something stupid so back I went. This time within 3 months he proposed. Said he did not want to lose me again. I loved him and it was romantic until a few months after. I could do nothing right. Nothing. Silent treatment, not showing up for dates, driving two lanes over on the freeway and not acknowledging me... his fiancé. Well, NC for me these almost two months. After 8 years and all this turmoil, I am keeping the ring, sent the money in the mail and left his personal items at my second office by his house for him to pick up. He never has. My associate through them out. PAIN, HOLIDAYS, I am very, very grateful for this site... Your all the best. I am learning how to avoid triggers. So darn hard being alone... .oh, he replaced me... she called at 2:30 in the morning and said "I am your twin."... .

[downwhim]

I got the email October 10. We had gotten engaged the day after Thanksgiving last year and he was pulling away, no sex, unexpected weekends away. You get it. Lying and cheating but never admitted it. Anyway, the email was titled the engagement is off. It went on to say that he wanted to move on and he thought it was best I did too. He wanted his personal items, HIS ring back and $300.00 for a trip we hand planned a back asap. He wanted to not talk personal but it to be over.

We have dated since my divorce 8 years ago. Met on a website two weeks after it was final. I was hesitant. We met casually for two months then it was full on. He told me he loved me within that second month. He was handsome to me now, complimentary, brought me flowers and bought me jewelry. We traveled to Cabo a month later and had our first break up 6 months after that.

The first break up lasted 4 months. He raged at me for some reason and dumped me in the middle of a parking lot one summer night with no way home. RED FLAG! I was shaking from the shock of it all. I called a friend to pick me up. Should have ended it then right?But oh how a missed him, coffee in the morning, great sex so of course not knowing the disease I emailed him and back we went. Another break up of 18 months, can you believe it. Back together after all that time. I did NC and then got an email from him that was a joke or something stupid so back I went. This time within 3 months he proposed. Said he did not want to lose me again. I loved him and it was romantic until a few months after. I could do nothing right. Nothing. Silent treatment, not showing up for dates, driving two lanes over on the freeway and not acknowledging me... his fiancé. Well, NC for me these almost two months. After 8 years and all this turmoil, I am keeping the ring, sent the money in the mail and left his personal items at my second office by his house for him to pick up. He never has. My associate through them out. PAIN, HOLIDAYS, I am very, very grateful for this site... Your all the best. I am learning how to avoid triggers. So darn hard being alone... .oh, he replaced me... she called at 2:30 in the morning and said "I am your twin."... .

[Swiggle]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. The holidays get easier but man they can be hell, I found relief if I kept myself busy. I found this site becasue we feel my DH's ex is uBPD. It has helped a lot with that situation but I wish I had found this site when I was divorcing my ex, although he isn't BPD, he is so NPD it is unreal. My ex told me a few weeks after our divorce was final that he was looking for my replacment the day I walked out the door. He found her only three short months after we divorced. My best friend and neighbor to my ex when he was still living in our home, thought the replacement was me one day. She almost called out to her by my name. My daughter has even mentioned how creepy it is, there are other uncanning similarties to us and it is obvious he is playing something out. We recycled for a year after the divorce, yes while he was with my twin. Finally I gave him the it is going to be me or it is going to be her, he said I cannot make that choice and just because I don't say yes, doesn't mean I mean no. Well I made the choice for him, it was so hard!

The pain of losing is real and it sucks. The guilt we place on ourselves for putting up with it, going back and/or owning our mistakes is like nothing I ever experienced. With time I felt not as numb. For me it sucked more becasue we have 2 kids together so NC was not an option and I deal with the fallout from his behavoirs and lack of boundaries with my kids, it sucks. But I'm in a better place emotionally, mentally and I can teach my kids what healthy looks like... .that was the light at the end of my tunnel.

Take care of you and lean on those who truly love and care about you. 

[Derrick]

I feel for you. I think it is the excitement of a relationship like this that may make us feel that we are alive. I have learned a few things and that is they will not be better without treatment! I also know that the highs are great and the lows are horrible. I am trying to become healthy but it is hard Hang in there!

[Mutt]

 

Hi downwhim,

I would like to join mrtrip22 and Derrick and welcome you. You feel frustrated, confused and like you are walking on eggshells with his push / pull behaviors. You've had a tumultous 8 years downwhim. I'm sorry.

He broke up with you by email and said so in the subject line and his new girlfriend called you? That's cold.

Do you have kids?

[outside9x]

Hi Downwhim,

Yes so sad to hear all that.  Certainly  longer than me.  I was pretty certain the last weeks I had it beat.  She even called 2 weeks ago, and I commented to myself how she could turn history on its head.  She is so alluring to me, yet crazy and never in reality.  Yet, I know the craziness, the pain, the turmoil the draining feeling, the helpless feeling of never being able to satisfy, so I don't contact.  Well I shouldn't have taking her call, but in ways it was reaffirming of how they twist the most known facts their way.  Haven't seen her in a year and a half, but hurts like all heck tonight.

Nothing right now could convince me she could ever be loving.  Sure at times, but I am talking about being a whole person.

So I know your hurt your pain, and as this is a very bad day, I fight with you since even if you could go back, you would drown in his pain.  So I ask even myself why don't I feel happy knowing I escaped emotional and financial ruin.

Ah but I know tomorrow is another day, and I have to ask myself again, what is drawing me back, it is within me, not her, me.  So, look into yourself, and I know you will come out happier.  I am just having, just a bad bad day!

They happen.  All my prayers and wishes for a better day, for you!

[downwhim]

Decided I would go on a dating site and there he was viewing me. Also decided I am not ready to date again and need time to heal and learn. I cannot fix him but really need to fix my co dependent ways.

Thanks for being here... .friends just say, move on and forget about him. It is so... .hard to do.

I have no kids with him but my 3 grown sons think he is abusive. They are sick of the back and forth too. His kids are teenagers and have learned how to be around him. Quiet, obey and ask for very little... .

[Mutt]

His kids are teenagers and have learned how to be around him. Quiet, obey and ask for very little... .

Sounds like borderline Queen behaviors. Is he controlling and acts out if he doesn't get his ways? Give into his demands or there's hell to pay? I'm sorry to hear about friends and family. Their hearts are likely in the right place and they didn't see what went on behind those closed doors. These break-ups are difficult and you likely went through a lot of confusing and painful stuff. Perhaps they would give you different advice and I advise against explaining both sides of the story to family and friends. Keep that stuff here as it gets old quick with friends. It's difficult to understand something that is invisible in public is my point.

I'm sorry they invalidated you.

Borderline Personality Disorder can manifest itself in mutliple ways. In her book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, Dr. Christine Lawson describes four role types which BPD is exemplified by:

~the Waif,

~the Hermit,

~the Queen, and

~the Witch.

The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.  Each requires a different approach. Don't let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. Don't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them. Don't allow yourself to be alone with the Witch; maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety. And with the Waif, don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization; "pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

[downwhim]

Thanks Mutt, you give the best advise! My friends have no clue what a borderline is. If I try and explain it they are like... .ok, move on he is sick. They do not understand the pull/push addiction thing.

Hep, he is a Queen. controlling is his middle name. All is done his way. He is very good looking and gets away with a lot. He gets attention from women so he plays on this this too.

Feels great to have a place to land here and read about other experiences that so much mirror my own 

[Mutt]

You're welcome downwhim and thanks. I advise to not justify / defend / explain to family and friends. It gets old fast and it's a difficult disorder to understand for the layman. You really have to read the material and mental illness tends to get typical reactions like "He's sick!" and it invalidates. There's much stigmatization and alienation when we don't understand or comprehend something.

Yes he's sick. He's wired differently. The trick is to understand why he's this way and why he thinks this way.

Feelings equal facts to a pwBPD. To the non-disordered it's facts followed by feelings.

My ex is Queen / Witch. All of the sub-roles are present and more often than not she's Queen. I have triggered Witch and it's not pretty. The Queen behavior is triggered when your likely asserted boundaries with him and the Queen behavior is about asserting control. Don't let him have the upper hand. It's smoke and mirrors and emotionally detach to get off this rollercoaster. Be careful when he's nice and offer gifts as he'll turn this on you later.

I understand the push / pull behavior very well. I agree your friends do not. MANY days I felt sick to my stomach, emotionally exhausted, frustrated trying to comprehend why is my wife responding this way she I'm trying to make peace? NOTHING rational or logical was working. Not many I think understand this feeling. I'm happy you joined. Welcome to the family.