In need of friends and guidance

[228kk]

Hi everyone. I am 21 years old and have been dating my girlfriend for 9 months. Although she doesn't have a diagnosis of BPD I have done a lot of research and read books and she exhibits a lot of the same things a person with BPD may exhibit. I love her so much, but recently I've been st my breaking point. I know I need to love her through everything, and of course I do. That's why I'm here. But it's hard for me not to take all of the verbal abuse to heart when such terrible things are said. It doesn't take much to set her off. And when "I do", it turns into her breaking up with me. Does anyone have any pointers for someone who is just learning about BOD, how you handle the situation, or anything?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear 228kk-
I'd like to welcome you to our BPD community.  I'm glad you've found us, And also feel sad about the circumstances that brought you here.  Most people in our community will share feelings and experiences very similar to what you're experiencing.

Please take full advantage of the resources available on this forum to learn what you can about handling relationships with a pwBPD (person with BPD).  It's also a very good idea to learn about codependent behavior.  Many of us who are in relationships with pwBPD have very strong codependent traits.  So it's important to understand why YOU are the way you are.  And to take steps to heal yourself.  It is vital that you take care of yourself starting immediately.  It is also imperative for you to KNOW that you are NONE of the horrible names she has probably called you... .so let's get that clear, OK?  That's part of her disorder.

As you already state, living within these relationships can lead you to feel that you are at your "breaking point"... .your words.  Please pay attention to your words.

I can't help but feel that I want you to show some extra care for yourself.  Please.  At 21 years old, your heart is truly tender.  I am not making a condescending statement, but rather a statement of compassion.  As you read through the posts of other members, you'll gain an understanding of why I'm saying this.  You'll also see, members at way more advanced ages (me for instance) enter these relationships and haven't a CLUE as to what has hit us! 

Through reading posts of members (those trying to remain in relationships, those trying to detach from relationships) and the resources on the forum, you'll learn ways of dealing both with the pwBPD and your own emotions.

But the bottom line is we CANNOT fix or heal them.  We cannot control their rage
We cannot really help them at all.  We can ONLY help ourselves.  We can only control ourselves within these relationships.  Once you gain a bit more wisdom about this mental illness, you'll have better tools.  You'll also be better able to decide how you'd like your life to look.

Most people with BPD traits do not feel love in the way we do.  They just don't.  That is unfortunately a sad fact.  In the meantime, please be very careful to remain close with your family and friends.  Allowing yourself to become isolated is NOT good.  Please understand that.  You always need your support people in place for you.

When you are up to it, please provide a bit more information.   Are you trying to make this work?  When she breaks up, is she seeing other people?  Does she lie to you about things?  Is she seeing a T (therapist)?  What led you to believe she has BPD?

Take good care of yourself.  And please keep in mind... .Adult love is NOT unconditional.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[228kk]

I'm absolutely trying to make it work. I'm just at the point where I don't know what to do and need help navigating how to make it work. When we break up it's usually just for the night, the next day, we talk and everything is fine. I feel like it's her way of gaining control when she feels like she's losing it. So no, she isn't seeing other people. From what I know of. But she's pretty truthful with me, so I don't think she is. She's not seeing a therapist. She is completely anti-therapy. I've suggested it bc she's mentioned suicidal thoughts on multiple occasions. But she shuts me down every time. As for why I think she has BPD, there's been many instances where we'll fight over childish things and she just won't listen to my side. For instance, I'm living away from my parents, sister, and best friends. She is in the military so we only get to see each other on weekends, which works out well because I have a strained family relationship for other reasons. So spending every weekend together is fine. But my one friend was in town for the first time in 6 months and my sister was graduating high school, so I spent the weekend at home. I told her about this weeks in advance. On that Saturday night, she went to the beach (3 hrs away) with one of her other friends. She begged me to come down and spend the night with her. But I was enjoying my time with my friends and family, which I never do bc I spend every weekend with her. She completely lost it on me. Telling me I never loved her, she's not a priority to me, if I don't love her then let's break up, those friends don't mean anything to me. Situations like that seem to happen more and more often. About silly things. I feel like I'm allowed to have one weekend where I go home to see my friends and family.

[lostandconfused6]

I am somewhat new to this but i am learning daily. A huge help for me was the book i hate you don't leave me. A BPD relationship is a roller coaster of emotions, but with the right tools and knowledge you can manage it and take care of yourself.

My BPDbf also has PTSD and ADHD and we are starting to think he may have dis associative personality disorder as well. With what I have learned from books, my therapist, and most importantly the members of this board i can honestly say his rages and blow ups have been kept to a minimum. Nothing happens over night and the road to improvement for BPD is a long and slow one (from my understanding)!

Setting boundaries is very important and at the same time very tricky, there will be slip ups no one is perfect but the way you handle them is what's most important. how to set SET is going to me the most useful thing you can learn immediately also be very careful not to JADE. It takes a lot of self control to hold back your feelings and emotions some times but if you pwBPD is only seeing black, no matter how valid your point is they won't hear it. It is a learning process for sure.

[228kk]

If I may ask, how did you go about setting boundaries? Like for yourself or like the two of you as a couple?

[Triedmybest408]

228kk, Gemforeyes replies are spot on.

I am still new to this but this forum has helped me so much.

mind you I have been with my undiagnosed fiance for 10 years. and only really started reading about this a few months ago, when my fiance finally "snapped" and created extreme delusions when I traveled out of the country without her for the first time

but after reading so much about BPD, going back to when we first started dating the signs were plain and simple to see.

I can't say I would of changed anything if I knew about it back then, but I know I would of handled situations differently.

I can't really give you tools as ive been walking on eggshells for so long, its hard for me to break habits.

if you truly feel this person is for you and you accept her. The tools here will help you. You may modify the tools to make them your own, as I believe everyone's BPD situation while similar can be different.

but as gemforeyes stated. Please do not Isolate yourself because you want to make her happy.

Keep this to yourself (don't tell her), but you are number 1. In this type of relationship make sure you are happy and in a good mental state. obviously she will be number 1 ( contradiction) but in reality make sure you are at least "OK"

my relationship has been a rollercoaster but i accepted it. However some friendships/networks at work that i look back on could of been great but fell through the cracks because I isolated myself (these people went to have great careers, which in my mind could of helped me if they were still part of my network). My BPDp tries to isolate me from my single mother who raised me alone, she will tell me i complain that I don't get to see my mom enough, but sometimes she will push me to see my mom because she feels bad (she will then make comparisons how i treat her mother compared to mine). She plays with my head, and its hard to tell if she knows it or not.

What I am trying to get at, is you are 21 (I am 10 years older than you).

you are at the age in my mind where you "make it or break it" meaning what you do now will reflect when you start your 30s. So focus on yourself and your career.   You can still love your partner the way you do, just learn to navigate what could possibly be a BPD relationship.

again take my word as a grain of salt... .I am still learning as well

[lostandconfused6]

If I may ask, how did you go about setting boundaries? Like for yourself or like the two of you as a couple?

Both, they are extremely important. Setting boundaries for us as a couple was and still is very tricky. I simply validate the way he feels about something i empathize with him and then i tell him i understand but i am not going to allow him to threaten to leave me (this is something i will never be ok with under any circumstances) if he feels he is getting to that point he needs to say "stop for now we will talk later i'm getting to that point" and i do my best to shut up and drop it for now. That's the 1 big boundary i've been able to set with us as a couple. 1 i have set with myself is if he sends me a rude text i let it go and don't respond for a 30 min or a hour and typically within that time he will text again and apologize or call and apologize. It shows him i won't tolerate certain things.

We have an ongoing issue with us that has yet to be resolved i guess you can call it my trigger and that is the central point of most of our fights he doesn't understand my point of view and sees it as me "telling him what to do or being pushy" i see it as the biggest thing and he sees it as nothing its frustrating to say the least, but hopefully getting better i feel once it's resolved we can focus on the things that are really important. Unfortunately i also feel it may never be gone. Every situation on here is going to be very similar to your but also different at the same time. The good news is from what i've learned in my short amount of time dealing with this the basics seem to work well

[Radcliff]

Hello 228kk,

Welcome to the boards!  Your story hit home with me, because I have been where you are.  I met my wife when we were about your age, and I didn't figure out what BPD was until 25 years or so later, when someone suggested I read "I Hate You Don't Leave Me," mentioned by another poster here, which I highly recommend.  "Walking on Eggshells" is another classic.

When I was your age, I thought I was a pretty sensitive guy, but I was insensitive and clumsy in many ways socially.  When your partner is storming, it's hugely difficult to figure out what is legitimate feedback and what is garbage. When you are supposed to be growing in our relationship capabilities, your most important source of feedback is not reliable.  This is a huge challenge.  One book I *so* wish I'd been able to read when I was your age is "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John Gottman and Nan Silver.  Gottman is a researcher who has looked at thousands of couples and gathered data on what successful marriages look like.  If marriage is far from your mind at your age, no worries -- just look at Gottman's work as a description of a successful romantic relationship.  You mentioned some difficulties with your original family.  My parents did not have a successful marriage, so I had no clue what a good relationship looked like.  I wish that I'd been able to read Gottman's book at your age in order to know what I could be striving for.

If I knew then what I know now, I'm not sure I would have gotten married (I'm not saying I wouldn't have, I'm saying I honestly don't know).  But for sure I would have been able to navigate things with less trauma and would have made fewer mistakes of my own, likely setting a better foundation for us.

The boundary issue is a huge thing.  I am so glad you stuck to your convictions and enjoyed the time with your family on your sister's graduation weekend.  Great that you told your girlfriend so far in advance and sound like you know you did everything you could.  To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out boundaries, so you are right to focus on it early. Spend some time on these boards.  There have been some recent good posts on boundaries.  One of the most helpful things for me to understand is that boundaries are about what's right for me. I don't have to win an argument or convince the other person that I'm right.  I need to say what I'm going to do, say it with compassion but firmness, and then follow through.  Look up the acronym DEAR MAN, which may be helpful.

Best wishes, stick with us, don't let yourself become isolated, hit those books, and keep the questions coming!

[228kk]

This outpouring of love and support is so helpful to me so far. I really appreciate everyone helping! It's nice to have people who understand and offer legitimate feedback instead of just telling me to leave her or "you don't deserve to be treated this way"

[Triedmybest408]

This outpouring of love and support is so helpful to me so far. I really appreciate everyone helping! It's nice to have people who understand and offer legitimate feedback instead of just telling me to leave her or "you don't deserve to be treated this way"

yes this place is awesome.

but there will be times when you come in here and we will tell you that "you don't deserve to be treated this way"

I have been there, but hearing that from others can help alleviate the FOG (feeling of guilt)