Pretty amazing coping recently

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, we had some rough fights the weeks leading up to our wedding trip, and I was pretty scared about how the whole travel was going to go down.  "Normal" travel can set him off, so a flight to another country, which we've never done before, was scaring me badly, not so much the fear of it myself, but how he'd react.

Other than us both being exhausted, and what I'd call a 'normal' level of cranky the day before, trying to pack and ready the home and pets for a week away, we never hit the wall I was fearing, where he would refuse to leave the house or refuse to board the plane.

We both only got 2 hours sleep before having to drive to the airport, but we got there in time to check luggage, get boarding passes, got through TSA (even while carting my wedding dress around).

We got there after about 12 hours of travel by planes, trains, automobile and shuttle, exhausted, a bit down due to unexpected jet lag and hunger, but no outbursts, no times where he'd pinch me (his chosen method to quietly express displeasure in public), and after a really good night's sleep at the resort, we made it to wedding meetings, snorkeling, a cruise, and yes, we got married, and it was really, really good.  It was amazing to go on a trip where the worst we dealt with, customs and TSA coming back in were the closest he got to throwing in the towel.  I did my best to validate the same anger and frustrations at the disorganization of our connecting airport, but we still got home before midnight on the way back, and had a day to relax at home before coming back to work.

I don't know how, but we made it, and it was good.  I am a little nervous since a really good period is often offset by a big outburst, and we have yet to visit his family, which is a big trigger (and part of why we eloped), but I think we can stack the visit with Father's Day, and it will be okay (I hope).

So, for anyone facing BPD in their SO, sometimes the waters stay calm, even when you think there is no way they will.  He did a great job managing his worries, fears, and concerns about everything from flying to finally getting married.  So I just wanted to post a positive story - we don't get to do that on here a lot.

[isilme]

So, we had some rough fights the weeks leading up to our wedding trip, and I was pretty scared about how the whole travel was going to go down.  "Normal" travel can set him off, so a flight to another country, which we've never done before, was scaring me badly, not so much the fear of it myself, but how he'd react.

Other than us both being exhausted, and what I'd call a 'normal' level of cranky the day before, trying to pack and ready the home and pets for a week away, we never hit the wall I was fearing, where he would refuse to leave the house or refuse to board the plane.

We both only got 2 hours sleep before having to drive to the airport, but we got there in time to check luggage, get boarding passes, got through TSA (even while carting my wedding dress around).

We got there after about 12 hours of travel by planes, trains, automobile and shuttle, exhausted, a bit down due to unexpected jet lag and hunger, but no outbursts, no times where he'd pinch me (his chosen method to quietly express displeasure in public), and after a really good night's sleep at the resort, we made it to wedding meetings, snorkeling, a cruise, and yes, we got married, and it was really, really good.  It was amazing to go on a trip where the worst we dealt with, customs and TSA coming back in were the closest he got to throwing in the towel.  I did my best to validate the same anger and frustrations at the disorganization of our connecting airport, but we still got home before midnight on the way back, and had a day to relax at home before coming back to work.

I don't know how, but we made it, and it was good.  I am a little nervous since a really good period is often offset by a big outburst, and we have yet to visit his family, which is a big trigger (and part of why we eloped), but I think we can stack the visit with Father's Day, and it will be okay (I hope).

So, for anyone facing BPD in their SO, sometimes the waters stay calm, even when you think there is no way they will.  He did a great job managing his worries, fears, and concerns about everything from flying to finally getting married.  So I just wanted to post a positive story - we don't get to do that on here a lot.

[isilme]

And here it is - he left his breakfast on the table when leaving for work today - we carpool to the same set of buildings, and I drop him at his then park where ever I can, and so when he accused me of forgetting to make his breakfast, with a meeting looming and no time to deal with text nonsense (yes, I left it for you / well I didnt see it / want me to get it / no, Im not asking for that / where did you park / at XX building / ... .ad nasueum) I just msged I'd get it and be right back, got up, and left my desk.  I don't have pockets in most of my work clothes, so my phone, on silent, is usually in my purse, and in my purse, I don't always feel it ring.  In the 10 minutes it took me to head home, grab his breakfast bag (we live pretty close to work) and get back and drop it at his office, he'd called me 8 times, b___ing at me for "ignoring him".  On the 9th call, I had my purse on me, finally felt it ring, and answered to get yelled at for thinking a piece of paper now put me in charge of him, allowed me to ignore him, that he'd burn all our stuff rather than let me have it in a divorce... .the normal gamut. 

He felt ignored, so even though I wasn't ignoring him OR playing some "pity game" (he gets mad when I do something, he;s like "i didn't ask for that" as if that's the only reason to do anything). So I got yelled at for ignoring him, whatever.  I am honestly too tired and concerned about work at the moment to feel a lot about this - I guess partly because I was expecting an outburst any day now.  Too many nice days have passed.

Now he is laying down the law via messenger about how I will not ignore him. Sigh.  So much over the fact HE did not grab his own breakfast, and needs to shame me for his mistake.

All in all, so far at least, it was not that bad as outbursts go.  Just need to clear my head before a meeting with my new boss O_o.

[isilme]

And for the most part, he was okay at lunch, and then found another thing to gripe about (his belt of all things). 

I think he's just gotta have his bad day and even if he's not actively mad at me, he's going to be cranky.

[Wrongturn1]

isilme:  Sheesh, sounds like the proverbial honeymoon is over!  Seems like the norm is for the BPD symptoms to get worse after marriage, so I sympathize with you.  Please do continue to keep us posted.

[isilme]

, I am thankful for having a honeymoon at all - for getting him to the location and married   I was really, really expecting a full blown melt down with the says leading up to the trip, and just have to say I was blessed that yesterday's cranky-pants (any outburst that short lived, even if he threatens to leave, make me leave, whatever, I can chalk up to cranky - I guess for people in r/s with nons it would seem extreme, but for BOD, it was rather tame) was all I dealt with.  And it turns out a lot of it was triggered by his own lack of sleep and that "Christmas is over" feelings from returning to real life after a week that was really awesome on a tropical island.

I was actually attacked by a neighbor's dog last night while taking trash to the curb, so he is being extra conciliatory.  I am okay, bit I did get bit on my shin, and it bleed quite a bit, but he was able to step up and handle the crisis.  He got me cleaned up, calmed down, disinfected and bandaged (it's not serious, but was one of those cuts that just bleeds and bleeds), and into bed with some tea.  We will need to talk to the neighbors today... .it was a visiting dog, but it bit H in the past, and now me, and so we need to let them know if there's a 3rd time, cops will need to be called.

[Wrongturn1]

Good grief, sorry to hear about the dog attack!  That must have been traumatic for you - my wife was mauled by a pack of bloodhounds when she was a child and still has some dog phobia to this day over it.  Hope you heal quickly and that the conversation with the neighbors is civil.  Have a good weekend.

[flourdust]

I'm sorry to hear about the dog bite.

You need to call the cops now -- not give the dog a third chance to bite someone. The next bite could be much worse. It could be a small child. You are not doing anyone any favors by letting this slide.