What the heck- Finally looking for support from others

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all,

I'm 30, and my mother has BPD.  I've had therapy for years, and am a therapist; but I think I just need some support.

I went away for college when I was 18 (best years of my life), and had to return home because I didn't have money to support myself.  I got married at 25 (he's awesome), and have 2 kids.  We moved out for a year after the wedding, but had to move back because of family pressure to help my mom keep her house.  I've been back for about 3.5-4 years, and I can't handle the roller coaster anymore.

Growing up- you think that it's all normal.  For me, I was afraid for people to come over to my house because my mom flipped out.  She would rage at even a spot on the floor.  Her fears of being judged.  I can't even recall all of the abuse because it was every day.  It's like opening pandora's box, and I keep it closed because I still live with her.  I hate her.  I love her because she's my mom, and I care for her well being.  I know that she never had the intention of emotionally f*ing up my life, but she did, and I hate that part.  I hate that I have to be on a forum for support because my mom isn't really a mom, she's a mother.

I guess I'll share my story a little bit which starts way before I was ever born.

My mother had 12 siblings, and lived in a 1bdrm house.  Her mom was physically abusive, and had escaped a domestic violence relationship to marry my grandfather who was 20 years her senior.  My grandfather died when my mother was 12 years old- the day of her birthday party for her 12th birthday.  By that time, my mother had been serially sexually abused by an uncle, and her own brother.  At 15 she was raped by my uncle- in -law.  By 18 she was married to my father (who is probably the reason I survived so many years of her).

My mother verbally assaulted me daily starting very young.  I was in the about 5 when I remember my older sister (by 17 years) defending that I didn't have to wash the dishes because I was too young.  I remember my mom pushing her to the floor pulling her hair, and degrading her.  That was the day I graduated to big girl chores.  It was also the day that my sister left home for graduate school (abandonment issues 101).  It was the day my life changed, and I became the most common focus of my mother's rage.

I've been called slut, whore, ___, stupid, etc.  I've been told nobody cares, nobody wants me, that I'm fat, or that I'm too worried about what I eat.  I've been ridiculed for having friendships.

At 18, I was trying to leave for college after an argument (trying to use an exit strategy) where she stole my keys, and began chasing me around the house yelling, calling me a whore till she finally had me curled up in a corner in fear of being beat.  She did hit me with my own keys.  Finally, my dad came home and told her to stop.  I left.

I have so many memories and stories, but I just want to know someone out there has lived through it too.  Someone who understands the severe anxiety, and fear I have of just telling my family that I'm leaving the home, and she'll have to fend for herself.  I'm tired of her picking up my laundry and lingerie and commenting on how sluts where that.  I am tired of her butting into my discipline.  I am over that every time we visit my  husban's in laws, I have to deal with her rage, her blasting music, and her rude and disrespectful comments.  I am tired of my husband being always torn down by her because she sees him as a threat.  I am tired of being the scapegoat that the family is happy is here because that means THEY don't have to deal with her.

I want someone to also understand the deep rooted desire I have for love of a mother.  That even though I know things will be thrown back in my face, I still am hopeful that it won't be and turn to her in times of need.  I just want her to love me the way a mother does not in her sick, emotionally manipulative, BPD way.

Anyway, I look forward to being a part of this forum.

[Mooberry]

Hey all,

I'm 30, and my mother has BPD.  I've had therapy for years, and am a therapist; but I think I just need some support.

I went away for college when I was 18 (best years of my life), and had to return home because I didn't have money to support myself.  I got married at 25 (he's awesome), and have 2 kids.  We moved out for a year after the wedding, but had to move back because of family pressure to help my mom keep her house.  I've been back for about 3.5-4 years, and I can't handle the roller coaster anymore.

Growing up- you think that it's all normal.  For me, I was afraid for people to come over to my house because my mom flipped out.  She would rage at even a spot on the floor.  Her fears of being judged.  I can't even recall all of the abuse because it was every day.  It's like opening pandora's box, and I keep it closed because I still live with her.  I hate her.  I love her because she's my mom, and I care for her well being.  I know that she never had the intention of emotionally f*ing up my life, but she did, and I hate that part.  I hate that I have to be on a forum for support because my mom isn't really a mom, she's a mother.

I guess I'll share my story a little bit which starts way before I was ever born.

My mother had 12 siblings, and lived in a 1bdrm house.  Her mom was physically abusive, and had escaped a domestic violence relationship to marry my grandfather who was 20 years her senior.  My grandfather died when my mother was 12 years old- the day of her birthday party for her 12th birthday.  By that time, my mother had been serially sexually abused by an uncle, and her own brother.  At 15 she was raped by my uncle- in -law.  By 18 she was married to my father (who is probably the reason I survived so many years of her).

My mother verbally assaulted me daily starting very young.  I was in the about 5 when I remember my older sister (by 17 years) defending that I didn't have to wash the dishes because I was too young.  I remember my mom pushing her to the floor pulling her hair, and degrading her.  That was the day I graduated to big girl chores.  It was also the day that my sister left home for graduate school (abandonment issues 101).  It was the day my life changed, and I became the most common focus of my mother's rage.

I've been called slut, whore, ___, stupid, etc.  I've been told nobody cares, nobody wants me, that I'm fat, or that I'm too worried about what I eat.  I've been ridiculed for having friendships.

At 18, I was trying to leave for college after an argument (trying to use an exit strategy) where she stole my keys, and began chasing me around the house yelling, calling me a whore till she finally had me curled up in a corner in fear of being beat.  She did hit me with my own keys.  Finally, my dad came home and told her to stop.  I left.

I have so many memories and stories, but I just want to know someone out there has lived through it too.  Someone who understands the severe anxiety, and fear I have of just telling my family that I'm leaving the home, and she'll have to fend for herself.  I'm tired of her picking up my laundry and lingerie and commenting on how sluts where that.  I am tired of her butting into my discipline.  I am over that every time we visit my  husban's in laws, I have to deal with her rage, her blasting music, and her rude and disrespectful comments.  I am tired of my husband being always torn down by her because she sees him as a threat.  I am tired of being the scapegoat that the family is happy is here because that means THEY don't have to deal with her.

I want someone to also understand the deep rooted desire I have for love of a mother.  That even though I know things will be thrown back in my face, I still am hopeful that it won't be and turn to her in times of need.  I just want her to love me the way a mother does not in her sick, emotionally manipulative, BPD way.

Anyway, I look forward to being a part of this forum.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the site.  You have definitely found a place where people understand the anxiety you describe and the wish to have a mother who loves us.  It is a natural human desire.  Unfortunately most of our mother's are/were unable to do so without twisting and distorting it or making it be all about them. 

You have taken on a lot of responsibility with helping your mom and living with her.  Is that something you want to work on changing soon?  Are you familiar with communication strategies that can help you set limits, protect yourself and your husband and sometimes prevent or at least decrease escalation of your moms unhealthy behaviors?  We have several articles I can link you to if you want them.  Even though you are a therapist, it often makes no difference when dealing with dysfunction in your own life. 

As you settle in, i hope you share more of your story.  We get it here.  We can support you as you make decisions about how to proceed.