Holding Pattern

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I am one of three children who were raised by a BPD mother. Both my siblings have gone no contact and are not participating in an active relationship with our mother. I have been on the fence for a while, but recently severely limited contact with her as well. I'm about to leave for a year to teach in another country, and my mother along with several family members are trying to persuade me to "seek healing" or "reconcile" before leaving the country. I am at the point where I have done what I can to have a good relationship with my mom, but she wants reconciliation on her terms, not what is healthy and fair for both of us. I'd rather just not talk to her for a year than struggle through keeping up with the relationship and remaining stuck or in a holding pattern of sorts. Should I just leave without saying anything to her, communicate why I'm not talking to her, or agree to a limited form of contact? I really just don't want to have any contact at all, but I don't know if I'm ready to go that route and deal with the backlash.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[mapaix]

Hello,

I am one of three children who were raised by a BPD mother. Both my siblings have gone no contact and are not participating in an active relationship with our mother. I have been on the fence for a while, but recently severely limited contact with her as well. I'm about to leave for a year to teach in another country, and my mother along with several family members are trying to persuade me to "seek healing" or "reconcile" before leaving the country. I am at the point where I have done what I can to have a good relationship with my mom, but she wants reconciliation on her terms, not what is healthy and fair for both of us. I'd rather just not talk to her for a year than struggle through keeping up with the relationship and remaining stuck or in a holding pattern of sorts. Should I just leave without saying anything to her, communicate why I'm not talking to her, or agree to a limited form of contact? I really just don't want to have any contact at all, but I don't know if I'm ready to go that route and deal with the backlash.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Kwamina]

Hi mapaix

You recently limited the contact you have with your mother. What led to this decision? Was it a specific incident or perhaps more a culmination of everything that has happened before?

Several of your family-members also want you to 'seek healing' or 'reconcile' with your mother. Are these family-members aware of your mother's problematic behaviors and do they also believe your mother is disordered?

Could you perhaps tell us a bit more about the BPD traits you see in your mother?

It isn't easy determining the level of contact you would like to have. What is clear though is that it's absolutely natural to want to protect yourself from dysfunction and abuse. Regardless of the level of contact you have with your mother, the crucial thing I think is to set firm boundaries with her and be willing and able to enforce/defend them when necessary. Is setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your mother something you feel comfortable with?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily