Welcome preludegirl
Shortly after I express my feelings to her she wanted us to find an apt together. I had to put the brakes on that because it just didn't seem right it was too quick.
Good for you for recognizing things were moving too fast for
you. You enforced a boundary here for your own perseverance.
She also told me if she was to be lesbian relationship it would have to be kept a secret because of her family. I am 45yrs and not going back in the closet!
It's good that you know what you want your life to look like. You can't change what she wants her life to look like though you can decide if you want to participate.
I talked to her last Friday about my feelings and we seemed to "both" be opening up more and it felt nice. I don't know changed all in a few hours for her to back up the way she has.
She has BPD and this is what BPD behavior looks like.
It makes me feel confused because I don't know what happened, hurt because in last correspondence she dismissed things I was going through and I didn't matter and angry because the jealousy she inflicted with the guy keeps running through my head she is with him and reason for no contact.
You are allowing yourself to be drawn in to this drama triangle. As hard as it is to believe, her behaviors have nothing to do with you. Triangulation is how she copes, this is common with BPD and likely won't change. Again you have the choice of whether or not to participate.
I'm sorry you are feeling hurt. This would be a difficult situation for anyone. Your feelings of jealousy in this triangle/situation may be an internal sign that your involvement may not be in your best interests. I agree with
thisagain, your instincts are good (listen to your instincts) and it may be a good idea looking over the links to the right of your screen under Choosing a Path---->
It's always ok to take a step back to re-evaluate a situation from a broader perspective.