When your ex changes into somebody "new"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is unsettling me.

It makes me feel like I never really knew her.

When I met her, she was shy, didn't like people touching her or going near her.  She didn't drink.  She wore hoodies and jeans.  She didn't have friends, as she stayed in playing computer games.

I am quite sociable, but not a party animal.  I introduced her to all my friends.  She started becoming more open and getting to know people.

Then she got in with a group at work, and changed even more.  Got more confident, more cocky if you like.  

Then she ended it with me, and suddenly began dating this girl from her work (who she'd been friends with a while).  Bear in mind, this is the girl who I thought was my soulmate and she felt the same - we were engaged, planned kids and marriage, and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

Fastforward two months and she is engaged to somebody else.  Not only that, but there are photos of her all over facebook in very little clothing, with her boobs out, and she's lost a lot of weight.  Her hair is different.  She's drinking, loads of photos of her getting drunk... .  there is just a different look about her.  Hard to explain.

This is my shy, sweet, introverted computer geek girl... .  

It makes me so sad.

I get confused - did I ever really know her?

Was the sweet and shy persona just a hook?  Or did I genuinely give her confidence, which ended up being to my detriment?  She said in a phone conversation about a month ago that I'd given her confidence... .  

Is who she is now the "real" her?  Everyone tells me that she's being fake now, trying to impress her new girl.  But I'm not so sure.  Maybe she was being fake when with me.

Maybe she was never shy and sweet and geeky.  Maybe THIS is the real her now, and I got the fake.

It unsettles me and I don't know why?  

I see photos of her now and it's like somebody has taken my sweet girl and replaced her with an alien. It's like she's so familiar, yet a stranger.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say... .  nobody seems to understand but I am hoping that some of you  guys will just intuitively get it, and help me work out my feelings about this?  

Why does it freak me out so much?

[mango_flower]

This is unsettling me.

It makes me feel like I never really knew her.

When I met her, she was shy, didn't like people touching her or going near her.  She didn't drink.  She wore hoodies and jeans.  She didn't have friends, as she stayed in playing computer games.

I am quite sociable, but not a party animal.  I introduced her to all my friends.  She started becoming more open and getting to know people.

Then she got in with a group at work, and changed even more.  Got more confident, more cocky if you like.  

Then she ended it with me, and suddenly began dating this girl from her work (who she'd been friends with a while).  Bear in mind, this is the girl who I thought was my soulmate and she felt the same - we were engaged, planned kids and marriage, and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

Fastforward two months and she is engaged to somebody else.  Not only that, but there are photos of her all over facebook in very little clothing, with her boobs out, and she's lost a lot of weight.  Her hair is different.  She's drinking, loads of photos of her getting drunk... .  there is just a different look about her.  Hard to explain.

This is my shy, sweet, introverted computer geek girl... .  

It makes me so sad.

I get confused - did I ever really know her?

Was the sweet and shy persona just a hook?  Or did I genuinely give her confidence, which ended up being to my detriment?  She said in a phone conversation about a month ago that I'd given her confidence... .  

Is who she is now the "real" her?  Everyone tells me that she's being fake now, trying to impress her new girl.  But I'm not so sure.  Maybe she was being fake when with me.

Maybe she was never shy and sweet and geeky.  Maybe THIS is the real her now, and I got the fake.

It unsettles me and I don't know why?  

I see photos of her now and it's like somebody has taken my sweet girl and replaced her with an alien. It's like she's so familiar, yet a stranger.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say... .  nobody seems to understand but I am hoping that some of you  guys will just intuitively get it, and help me work out my feelings about this?  

Why does it freak me out so much?

[crashintome]

I think it may be the whole mirroring thing... .  

When I met my ex, she was all into motorcycles because that was what her GF and her "group" were into.  Then, (and she made a comment once this was because of me) she all of a sudden sold her bike and bought a jet ski.  Now, with her current partner, she is all into golf.

It does hurt.  I feel like I never knew her.  I feel like, if her personality was a lie, her words surely were.  I'm just still stuck on WHICH words were lies:  the sweet ones or the nasty ones.

[mtmc01]

Yeah. It sucks. Very much BPD though. Mine was an agnostic when we met (mirroring?) and in the last month developed into a devout Christian seemingly overnight after starting AA, now basically living at church, doing everything with her church group, posting nothing but bible verses that she can somehow relate to herself and justifying her leaving. Finding God can be wonderful for some people, but she used it as a reason for leaving and justifying all of her actions. Again, it sucks.

[healingmyheart]

Well, actually in my case I was the one that changed or at least took on the passions of my exBPDbf.  He is an athlete and I starting running and training with him, going to his gym and lifting weights.

Since it was always about him and his interests, I had to "join" him so to speak in what he enjoyed doing. 

We both enjoyed photography and did share that passion together and had fun going on outings and taking photos and took a photography class together :'(  That was a good memory.

[Newton]

mango.... .  dwell on the words "emotional chameleon"... .  or "emotional vampire"... .  

Their lack of "self" is key... .  

Read about mirroring and take on board why they NEED this attachment to us ... .  it's a total head **** at first... .  but once you understand it... .  you will appreciate what you experienced... .  

[ScotisGone74]

Really when you think about it, if they do not turn into a Human Leach how can they move on and forget you?  The answer is that they can't, they have to adopt the entire life of the new person they are idealizing, this is how they forget about you so quickly.  They were never themselves in the first place when they met us, they were just mirroring us from the get go. 

[mango_flower]

Newton - yep - definitely!  It's quite scary to think you shared your life with somebody who wasn't "real" and thought they were... .  that is the key here for me- I understand the behaviours, it is just how it makes me FEEL about it that's really freaking me out. It's nice to know others understand!

And seeing as she was so lovely and perfect, well, if she was mirroring me, then I guess I must be pretty darn awesome 

Scotisgone74 - wow, I never thought of it like that!  It does explain a lot.  Changing into a "new" person means in a way that they can leave the "old" self behind, and it would be the "old" self who misses us so much... .  interesting!

I think THAT is why it bothers me so much... .  

[jaird]

I think everyone tends to mirror a partner in a new relationship to some degree. I am not sure this is exclusive to people with BPD. I mean every new partner is a new experience, and there are some things you like about them that may be new to you, whether that is taste in music, art, hobbies.

But yes, I am agree people with BPD mirror more, and tend to become enmeshed quickly with a new partner. I also believe that this is part of how they are able to move on so quickly.

I never saw my ex drink anything but wine, even if I had a mixed drink or a beer. Recently she told within two days that she had A. stopped drinking-something I had been working on with her for two years, and B. Can now have a few beers and it "does not affect her".

SMH. The wonders and stories just never cease.

[afterdeath]

As Newton said, apply the mirroring theory. On top of mirroring throw in object constancy. I can relate to you as I was also replaced by some one she worked with.

After looking at her history though this is what she does, dates men she sees constantly, all of her past boyfriends were work mates other than the highschool sweetheart. Me? I was the exception but she met me at college where we had every class together. I was simply who she saw the most therefore she replaced baby daddy with me. Feel like a jerk to baby daddy now realizing the truth, but to be fair I at least waited to make a move some months after they split, not while still together.

She saw her work mates more than me after college, and she'd go out with them, it was almost if she resented daughter and myself for being in her life.

Anyway, apply mirroring and object constancy and you have your answers.

Lastly, when I was three years old I chose to be someone different everyday, whether it was Batman or Michelangelo from the turtles, I would answer to no other names.

Remember their emotional maturity level and apply this as well and you have all of your answers.

Why does it hurt us? Because it was real to us, and we gave it our all when they were just pretending.

If you choose to keep letting it hurt you, it will. Please read the article on emotional file, it has helped me.

[healingmyheart]

afterdeath,

where do I find that article you just spoke of?  Thank you

[afterdeath]

afterdeath,

where do I find that article you just spoke of?  Thank you

I'd link it if not on my phone but it's in this detaching board, probably near bottom of page one or near the to of 2 as I just read it recently, I think it's actually a poll and it's labeled: dealing with emotional files I think