further along than I thought

[just_think]

Well, I ran into her. Thought it might happen this week.  I didn't panic or freak out.  I returned her smile with a nod and tried to say hello after the band was done playing and she ignored me. I rolled my eyes to myself. 

About an hour later, I ran into her in a different part of town.  Said "hey", she said "hey", I asked if she was too cool to say hello earlier and she claimed I was making faces at her when I saw her earlier.  I hadn't even looked at her a second time after the initial head nod.  She commented that I was smoking again and then had to run to meet some friends.  I told her "good luck".  I still think I was probably too passive.  It seems like a healthy person would have called her out on the BS of "making faces" and instead I just sort of repeated it back and in my mind I was thinking about anything I might have done that could have been seen as such (there was none - it was a way for her to not feel guilty/scared/etc - not to mention, the whole world revolves around her so I must have been looking at her and not the band we were watching)

In some weird way, being face to face with her released a lot of the anxiety I was having.  It's like I was able to transfer that negative energy she left me with back to her.  I had built it up to be a "ok, what am I going to do? I need to plan this perfectly"  but in reality, I just saw someone who thinks waaaay too highly of herself and that all attention is focused on her and it was apparent how unattractive she was.  I don't feel any residual anxiety about it but I was upset that I let her put it on me and deny the reality of the situation.  I had this need to write her to clarify what had happened.  I suppose I need some sort of validation? 

[Leaf]

Hi, Just Think, It's good to hear you could be so cool during an unplanned meeting with a BPD ex! Sounds encouraging. I hope I'll get there eventually.  

I still think I was probably too passive.  It seems like a healthy person would have called her out on the BS of "making faces"  

I think a healthy person might have called out another HEALTHY person on that BS. You know it's no use with her so why bother now. You're no longer in a relationship with her.

Your reaction to her reminds me of something. After I broke up with my BPDbf I asked him something I should have asked during the relationship but didn't because I couldn't face the consequences. I asked him: "Who did you plan to travel with when you told me you wanted to travel abroad alone, without me. We both know you never go anywhere alone." He said: "I know I probably would never do it, but I can dream about it can't I?"

With that my curiosity about what he would say was satisfied. It was a good lie and I just pretended to believe it. I shrugged – hopeless case – and moved on. I could react like that because I had sufficiently detached. If I had been healthy during the relationship, that's just what I should have done when he breached the subject of travelling alone: face the facts, leave and never look back. Talking about it is no use.

But when he breached the subject of travelling alone during our relationship I thought I would have to confront him about it all the way. I would have had to say 'I don't believe you', he would feign indignation, it would become a huge fight. And all that would have been no use because in the end I would go back to him anyway. At that time I was adding things up but I wasn't ready to leave yet. So I didn't confront him.

What I'm trying to say is, Just Think, that during the relationship you might have avoided confronting her about things for an unhealthy reason and now you avoided confronting her for a healthy reason.

She's trying to create the intensity she uses to regain control and you were cool and didn't take the bait.  

[just_think]

Thanks for that reply. Helped put things in perspective. Nothing good could have come from it so its best that i just stayed cool and went about my day. Not that it makes much difference, but this one was definitely more NPD than BPD so that emotional intensity wasnt there so much as an act and total lack of remorse, or that she could do any wrong.

[hithere]

I think you did just fine.

It seems like a healthy person would have called her out on the BS of "making faces"

That would be juvenile on your part.

[sad but wiser]

I agree, your response was just fine.  Calling her out on a lie will only frustrate you, believe me.  They can't accept responsibility, and they won't.  It is very unsatisfying to try to have a normal conversation with someone who isn't normal.