What is healthy like?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Although I'm certainly not close to being there yet, I find myself wondering what its like to be my old self again, the me that was there before meeting my ex pwBPD.  I know there are stages of grief that alot of people go through following the ending of any relationship, but it seems that the end of a BPD relationship shifts all of the guilt, sorrow, and confusion onto us at one time.  I'm thinking that honestly the old me was maybe a lot more selfish, didn't feel bad for himself when he did something that he truly enjoyed, didn't plead and beg for someone else to not make a mountain out of a molehill.  I believe that the healthy me is not going to care about what the ex pwBPD is doing, who they're marrying, what kind of house they bought,   I will not hate or have anger towards them, I will not wish to talk to them to straighten things out, I will not want to speak to their family to correct things, I won't have anything to say to the people the ex BPD calls 'friends'.   I will honestly just be indifferent towards them and their fantasy life, I will be too focused on myself, my needs, my life, my career, my goals.  I know this sounds a little narcissistic, but really when I consider all I've put up with, its Not.  I think that many of you may feel the same way when you get there.

[ScotisGone74]

Although I'm certainly not close to being there yet, I find myself wondering what its like to be my old self again, the me that was there before meeting my ex pwBPD.  I know there are stages of grief that alot of people go through following the ending of any relationship, but it seems that the end of a BPD relationship shifts all of the guilt, sorrow, and confusion onto us at one time.  I'm thinking that honestly the old me was maybe a lot more selfish, didn't feel bad for himself when he did something that he truly enjoyed, didn't plead and beg for someone else to not make a mountain out of a molehill.  I believe that the healthy me is not going to care about what the ex pwBPD is doing, who they're marrying, what kind of house they bought,   I will not hate or have anger towards them, I will not wish to talk to them to straighten things out, I will not want to speak to their family to correct things, I won't have anything to say to the people the ex BPD calls 'friends'.   I will honestly just be indifferent towards them and their fantasy life, I will be too focused on myself, my needs, my life, my career, my goals.  I know this sounds a little narcissistic, but really when I consider all I've put up with, its Not.  I think that many of you may feel the same way when you get there.

[wishingwell17]

ScottisGone74,

I relate. I too am wondering/wanting to speed up the process to acceptance and enjoying what I remember my life was like "before".

(I'm very early out, so early my ex has not accepted it yet he is flipping between we are indeed done w/ we are only separated - in a single day.)

I hope it is healthy and normal to want to feel "our old self" again. I sure do. I also am wondering about what exactly "I was" when I met him that allowed myself to ignore what now seems so obvious and allow myself to tolerate the behaviors. I think this is the positive part of the negative feelings we may have about the end of our r/s's. We have an opportunity to get back to ourselves, yes.  But we can take this pain and use it to facilitate real growth in ourselves. Arrive to the  acceptance stage with a new sense of who we are, what we need and the strength to stay true.

I do not believe this is any easy task so I understand the "guilt, sorrow and confusion" you mentioned. I have to really try hard when I feel myself slipping. And yesterday was a good example. I went down hard in the AM. Very sad, upset, and questioning myself, tears and true sorrow for myself and for my xpwBPD. By the end of the day I reached out to friends, got myself out of the house and spent time with people who are very grounded and positive. I even felt glimpses of my old relaxed self during dinner, it felt really good.

My hope for both of us is our "new and improved us" will not worry about what our ex's will or won't be doing, about their friends or their behaviors. (not to say we wont think about them on occasion, of course we will) My hope is we will think about them one day and not only realize it is a kind thought, but that it came out of the blue because we had not thought about them/our r/s for awhile. 

In the meantime... .  I am prepared to understand I have no idea how I will feel any particular day... .  for awhile. I am not smarter than the grieving process (learned yesterday). Embracing it and allowing it to feel it's way through me while I remain mindful and do something each day to unearth the parts of me I miss and add on to them in new and different way is all I can manage at the moment.

Narcissism is not always bad, it aids us in survival. And imploring a bit of it from time to time in measured doses (I think) can be a very useful tool.

What are your goals, where/how do you see yourself in 6 months or a year?