She texted me and said let things be. I felt strong in the latter week and then yesterday I re read her last single text line to me "let things be" and immediately I felt negative about myself.
It sounds painful.
You deserve better.
Life is too short to share it with people who make you feel so miserable.
I would advise you to write down 2 lists:
A) All the negative things about her and the relationship
B) All the positive things you can do without her in your life
It's very normal to feel a sense of relief and euphoria after leaving a toxic relationship.
But it's also very normal to experience self doubt and weakness in the aftermath. And to forget about the bad characteristics of our exs and highlight the good ones. This is when you will require these lists - for moments of weakness - especially if she tries to contact you again.
I realised then that her behaviour was toxic as you've said in your reply. I needed to hear the same from another person to have the assurance that I'm not imagining it.
That's very normal. I was the same.
But I can tell you, that you will grow from this experience and become stronger and wiser.
You will be able to trust you own judgement.
I've decided to have NC from m today forward and learned a lesson from this and move on. I was married to an exUBPD wife of 24 years and divorced 4 years ago.
My lessons learned is that I didn't listen to early red flags and I convinced myself into an illusion that she is a normal woman.
We all did this, so there is no reason to feel negative about yourself. You went into the Relationship with good intentions.
We live, we learn.
There is nothing to be ashamed about, but it helps to educate ourselves on toxic behaviours, to cope with the pain & prevent it happening again in the future.
This is a very good article concerning No Contact, it's worth reading:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-wayDid you experience an idealisation/devaluation cycle?
I'd recommend you also read this article on how a BPD relationship evolves if you've not done so:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolvesI'm glad that you feel supported by your psychologist.
Don't forget that we've all been through this experience & We know how it is, so we're here for you too.
Do you keep a gratitude journal ?