Who can you talk to? Who DO you talk to.

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPD friend is doing pretty well, seems happy, and is not having meltdowns or anything specially negative at the moment. I see a lot of him, which is usually nice, especially if we can just sit and chat or listen to music. However, when things have to get done, whether some special activity with house or car, or booking a holiday, it can be pretty stressful and tiring. After hours of coping with mistakes, being in the wrong until he finds out for himself, I'd often just like to talk to someone about it, maybe even laugh about it. But let it out. There isn't really anyone I can talk to.  My SIL doesn't want me to mention him - I do, but I can tell from the guarded tone in her voice that I must be very brief. I can't talk to other friends because they don't understand that he's still in my life - they either see his activities and actions as those of an unpleasant character or tell me I'm far too weak and shouldn't allow things to happen.  I also don't want him to be put down or have any negative situation through my opening my mouth. It has an isolating effect for me - if I'm tired I don't want to go out and put on a front all the time, so we then spend more time together or I am on my own.
How do others cope with this kind of difficulty? Talking to others, I mean.

[foggydew]

My BPD friend is doing pretty well, seems happy, and is not having meltdowns or anything specially negative at the moment. I see a lot of him, which is usually nice, especially if we can just sit and chat or listen to music. However, when things have to get done, whether some special activity with house or car, or booking a holiday, it can be pretty stressful and tiring. After hours of coping with mistakes, being in the wrong until he finds out for himself, I'd often just like to talk to someone about it, maybe even laugh about it. But let it out. There isn't really anyone I can talk to.  My SIL doesn't want me to mention him - I do, but I can tell from the guarded tone in her voice that I must be very brief. I can't talk to other friends because they don't understand that he's still in my life - they either see his activities and actions as those of an unpleasant character or tell me I'm far too weak and shouldn't allow things to happen.  I also don't want him to be put down or have any negative situation through my opening my mouth. It has an isolating effect for me - if I'm tired I don't want to go out and put on a front all the time, so we then spend more time together or I am on my own.
How do others cope with this kind of difficulty? Talking to others, I mean.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi foggydew,

Oh, this is an important question! I hope other members join us here and share how they handle this issue. I think many members find that other people do not see or understand what many of us are really going through. In all honesty though, whether I was with this partner or not I know I would mostly keep relationship problems to myself or within the relationship. Now that I have this space I have had the chance to let out some especially painful/private things I have experienced that I am certain I could not take elsewhere. For me it is largely a matter of understanding. I want to be able to talk with others who "get" this stuff, not take up a lot of my energy having to soothe and comfort others in order for me to be able to get a little comfort in return.

I think if you read more here though you'll see more and more cases of people giving up the pretenses of covering up for their partners - at least in certain situations. I feel like I've been reading a few people talking about that lately. Do you have one or two people you could talk to? People you could perhaps take some time to inform so that when you talk to them it's helpful and not an additional weight for you to carry?

How are other members working with this kind of issue?

wishing you well, pearlsw.

[foggydew]

Thanks a lot, Pearlsw. It is relieving to hear that someone understands. Yes, I agree, it takes up a lot of energy soothing and comforting others when you talk about these things. If talking about difficulties is reciprocal, that's fine, but using energy to explain why you are still in a relationship and harvesting criticism anyway is barely worth it. I see BPD as really a kind of disability which needs certain kinds of communicative behaviour and a LOT of patience. For me, my friend has a certain kind of inflexible thinking, and he has to cope with his 'roll' of thought before he can listen or take any other ideas or information on board. I don't really see it as even a relationship problem - shop assisstants, other contacts and relatives all have to deal with the same stuff with him... but for them it is mostly a one-off and they can talk to whoever and get it off their chests.
I suppose to some extent the 'covering up' is not only about the partners but also a bit of self-protection for us too. I don't really have anyone to whom I can talk - one of my difficulties is that I don't have much contact with anyone at all on a regular basis.
This is really a great site to let out those painful things that really can't be spoken about anywhere else - I have used it a lot too.  Bujt I try to reserve it for just that; I don't want to bring the more mundane difficulties here -it would really be nice if it were possible to talk about day to day things on the same level as 'oh, I was stuck in a traffic jam for 2 hours today'. Parents talk about their kids and their tantrums - but our 'kids' are on a different level and there doesn't seem to be understanding for them. What I notice is that the more I can accept his behaviour as no great problem, the more he relaxes and the less the problems arise. But I need backup too.

[foggydew]

And today I feel the need for backup again. Feeling ill and having him experience a meltdown when I asked for his help in lifting something doesn't make me feel strong and wise, rather annoyed and hurt. It would be so nice to have someone say, yes, it isn't an easy job, don't worry. But there is no-one to say it. No one who wants to know.
Had the flu for 10 days now, and really miss contact. Friend isnt feeling so good either, which is probably the reason for the meltdown, when he picked up the stuff I asked him to help me with and flung it outside. His stuff in my area. Only 2 days ago he was asking me how I coped with him when he is less than nice to me - I told him truthfully that I see that as his problem and not something I take responsibility for. He seemed satisfied with that.
But I do so miss being able to talk about problems - and successes - with someone. It almost feels like an illicit relationship, and it is not that at all. Maybe I should find a therapist again.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi foggydew,

I know it's hard to share what's going on with others, especially if they don't fully understand BPD. This year I shared what was going on in my relationship with 4 of my close girlfriends. I let them know up front that I do not intend to leave my relationship but at times I need support when it's bad.

I had to determine what level of disclosure I can share with each friend. One friend helps me with the behavioral. Another will support me in prayer, but I cannot tell her details because it worries her too much. A third has been in a BPD relationship and understands what it's like. And the 4th really isn't too interested in problem solving. I can just vent to her and she doesn't think to much about it.

But honestly, the most support I get is here. I can share details. I can talk about his worst behavior. I can be honest.

It's hard. It can get lonely. Do you have friends that do not know your pwBPD that you could share with?

[isilme]

Most people who have not experienced BPD can't understand BPD.  It's very common for them to simply say, "Leave.  Why do you stick around?  You shouldn't have to put up with that.  That person sucks you should cut them out of your life and move on... ." and so on.  Because from the cheap seats, it's easy to give "advice". 

Sadly, it's never that easy.  pwBOD are NOT always horrible to be around, they can actually be fine, loving partners.  They just have some part of them that is underdeveloped as far as life-coping skills.  It can look like laziness, it can look like a lot of things, but what it often seems to boil down to is an internal self-loathing that they fight by putting off the blame for those internal feelings onto others, often those closest to them.

We often are not allowed (most people aren't) to see that side of them until we are on the way to being enmeshed - we have fallen for them, become attached, and even in some cases, have already intertwined our lives to a point where simply walking out is not an easy option. 

I come here to talk in depth.  I may share with one or two VERY close people something like "I'm a little off today, we had a fight." and not go into it.  Or, keep it VERY superficial as far as any details - "we argued over being late for work, or over what to have for dinner."  Noting like "he trapped me in the kitchen yelling at me for 30 minutes calling me all manner of names and then threw a bag of steamed veggies at me because he was projecting his rage at his mother's poor eating habits and obesity."  That, I save for here.

[foggydew]

Thank you. Thank you. You both have made me feel so relieved. And accepted, for a change.
Tattered Heart, I do so understand what you mean by gauging how much information you can give each different friend; how much they can cope with, how much support they are able to give. I used to be able to talk to my SIL about things; she has a lot of experience through her work, but now she doesn't want to know anything at all. I try to respect that and give the most superficial of information. No, the more lurid stuff I may say here (but maybe not even here). I don't have any other friends I can share with at all. I am lonely; I am also getting used to not having any close friends or family any more. It seems that is what happens as you get older. I don't want to misuse people; use them as a waste paper bin for my difficulties. However, they do sometimes want this service from me.
isilme, your experience is similar to mine, too. BPD person is NOT horrible to be around most of the time - he can be funny, interesting, sometimes helpful, and gives me more personal suppport than most people in my life. I had to laugh a little at your economical description of the fight to your friends and what actually happened -  and that is really how it is. Sometimes it seems like a really big load - you support your BPD person, you deal with the difficulties arising, and then you have to protect your friends and family from the reality. Great that this place exists.
I just remembered something that happened a long time ago, when my late husband and I were trying to cope with his mentally ill son. We tried to be as normal as possible and include the son in holidays, family events, etc. One set of friends asked me why we tried to inflict the son on our friends. Another refused to see him at all. There is so little acceptance for mental illness of any kind. What should we have done, locked him in a cupboard?

[isilme]

why we tried to inflict the son on our friends. Another refused to see him at all. There is so little acceptance for mental illness of any kind. What should we have done, locked him in a cupboard?

Ugh - "inflict"?  That's horrible, I am so sorry people said that. 

Mental illness is a lot harder for people to understand or accept than physical illness or disability.  I'm not sure if it's because it can sound scary - like everyone with a mental illness is suddenly Jack the Ripper or Jack Nicolson (:P) or if it's because it is not always visible.  Some friends have a Down's daughter.  She's a great kid, and while I have some qualms about the parents socially at times, they are really not bad people and it's obvious they try really hard to care for both their daughters and take care of the Down's girl and have managed to have her reasonably accepted in her high school and in the community.  But in other cases I have seen Down's kids mistreated because their type of disability (at the time) made it "more okay" than say, picking on the kid in a wheelchair.

I have a form of PTSD, insomnia, and chronic depression, and hit points in my life as early as about 8-10 years old where suicide seemed the best solution.  The last instance was about 10 years ago, when H and I hit a crossroads and we almost split, or I almost decided to die.  It was a very bad place, and I kept a knife in the bathroom, hidden, just in case I decided to slash my wrists.  That is a mental illness.  I have told NO ONE about that except here.  I can't.  The stigma is too great.  I would not want it to look like asking for attention or pity, or looked at askance - it's just a way to convey that I can fathom certain levels of internal emotional pain and am not just giving someone hurting lip service or empty platitudes. 

My husband has BPD, anxiety, his own depression, and his own type of insomnia, as well as some recently diagnosed physical ailments.  He is getting better about talking about the physical issues, but very rarely opens up at all about the anxiety and depression he knows and admits he has. 

People don't feel comfortable around mental illness, and yes, I think some WOULD like us to lock ALL uncomfortable people away so they don't have to think about uncomfortable things.  And I guess that also goes back to our friends not wanting to hear about our BPD issues.  People don't like problems, don't like to feel unpleasant about situations and so want to make it go away.  Make your BPD person go away or just don't bring them up - it makes me too uncomfortable to listen to a problem that is complex and not easily solved. 

[foggydew]

I wouldn't mind a Jack Nicholson for a change... .but I think you are right, Isilme. Many people don't want to talk about problems, not even my BPD person's mother. She changes the subject quickly if I talk to her about anything to do with his problems; she doesn't want to hear. I think they also feel insecure with mental illness; they don't know how to react with strangeness. BPD people, though, don't tend to be strange in that way - which seems to be both a benefit and a disadvantage. A mental health professional I know tells me BPD doesn't exist, it is just another name for nasty people. That is just another example of the prejudice all around.
You and your husband seem to be coping with a lot. It is great that he can talk about physical things; I hope he can begin to talk about the more complex mental stresses too. BPD friend has had a few breakthroughs here, too... .saying that some of his attacks on me are caused by his own fear and stress. He sometimes tells me he can't trust his own mind.
Thank you for telling me about your own experiences, too - talking about suicide is a dangerous area. Either it can land you in hospital or you are not taken seriously. I actually find it is a bit like a safety valve - about 15 months ago I really made my own plans, wrote about it - and found that alone the idea that I am in charge of my own destiny made things so much more bearable. I had seen so much death and illness, and my stepson's suicide, that I needed the feeling there was a way out. I think it can be a sign of mental illness, but can also be a reaction to overwhelming difficulties. But again, as you say, only to be mentioned in certain circles. I can talk about it with Friend (indeed, he once rescued me from a drunken attempt) because he has felt similar difficulties... and we can joke about it.
It is so nice to be able to get this off my chest and to feel that the person(s) reading this and communicating are not frightened off, can understand... the relief is tremendous. I don't need to talk continuously about problems and I am willing to listen too. But so often I feel that the REM song Shiny Happy People describes how people want to be, and want me to be. I'd rather be round, and have peaks and troughs.