How do I stop being obsessed?

[Estraven]

I broke up with my long-term BPD partner around a month and a half ago when it became clear that he desperately wanted out and would probably leg it.  Although limited contact is necessary due to life admin, it is basically now no contact.  I am finding that easier.  I no longer really want to contact him.  I know it is good and over.  I've realised that the relationship was an utter farce.  I believed (and actively sought) grandiose statements of love whilst dealing with a day to day reality of half-truths, manipulations, mood swings and very thinly veiled contempt.  My behaviour was terrible too, especially towards the end.  I was a ball of rage and revelling in being the victim.  I was deluded about myself believing that I was a good, caring person but was actually mostly just interested in maintaining the relationship due to appearances and this delusional thinking about love and how special I was.

The problem I have is that I can't seem to stop obsessing about it despite it being over.  I am worryingly addicted to thinking about the relationship.  I seem to have displaced the unhealthy relationship addiction with an unhealth rumination addiction.  I am starting therapy on Wednesday for the first time, so am hopeful about this at least.  However, any advice from anybody else there would be appreciated.

[No-One]

Hi Estraven:
Welcome!  I'm sorry about your breakup.  It's understandable that you are struggling a bit.  Good to hear that your are starting therapy on Wed.  

There is a technique used to stop worrying, that can work to stop ruminating.  You need to setup some way to journal your thoughts.  It could be on a computer or your phone.  

You start out scheduling some time to ruminate/worry.  For example, daily, between 6:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.  During the rest of the day, when you have a ruminating thought, you write it down and then stop thinking about it.  You will aim to defer further thought until the appointed time.  Each time you start ruminating again, you record the new rumination (and defer further thought).  When the appointed time comes, you can review your rumination log, as long as an hour if needed.

The goal is then to reduce the time/frequency of planned rumination time.  i.e. from 1 hour to 30 minutes, to 20 minutes, to every other day, etc.  By capturing/recording the thoughts as they come in, then postponing further rumination about it, you can help reduce/eliminate your rumination/worrying.

Meditation can help you become more mindful.  It's kind of like cleaning house in your mind.  There is a great free app that I use, called Insight Timer.  You can get it for Android or Apple.  It's a good way to step into meditation.  There are multiple types of meditation that focus on various things.  You can try a few and bookmark your favorites.

I hope you find some of this helpful.  

[Estraven]

Hi No-one,

Thanks for the suggestions.  I really appreciate it.  I'll give them both a go starting today.

[No-One]

Hang in there.  Changing habits/behaviors takes time.  Don't give up.

Insight Timer is an amazing app.  Let me know how it works for you, one you get used to it.  There is a lot to explore.  For me, I try to find a voice I like and background music I like.  What works for one person won't necessarily appeal to another.

[once removed]

what are you ruminating and thinking about?

[Estraven]

Hi No-one,

I've tried the app and like it.  The introductory course seems good and I've been meditating and using some of the techniques to try to bring me back to the here and now rather than getting stuck in a loop. 

Pushing away/deferring thoughts doesn't always work for me, as once I have started the destructive thought patterns it's hard to stop.  However, at least I am trying.  As you say change takes time.  I'm also not always good at taking the time to look back at my rumination log, so I guess that's bad.  Rather than learning from the thoughts or addressing them I am just sort of having them and not processing them or thinking about them.

I am going to keep going with both exercises, as they do seem really helpful.  Thanks again.  I really appreciate it.

[Estraven]

Hi Once Removed,

I've been getting angry at him.  The way that it ended and how I was lied to and manipulated.  Obsessing about how much of it was deliberate on his part and wondering exactly how much of a fool I was and how much I was duped.  Obsessing over exactly how much he hated me during the end of the relationship and when he started hating me. 

Getting angry at the other woman. Upset about her being better than me - younger, cooler, funnier etc.  Considering how much I was just being used as an ego boost and as a back-up just in case the amazing new love isn't good enough.  Getting upset at the cliche of it all - dumped for a younger woman.

Getting upset over my own behaviour.  My desperation to cling onto a relationship with somebody who (despite the declarations of love and the pet name) was not interested in me and was pretty cruel at the end.  Getting upset at the lies and also the insincerity (my own as well as his).  Being upset at my worst behaviour - the yelling and the guilt tripping and the shame of being utterly ridiculous.  Getting upset over the fact at the end I was basically an isolated victim who was so foolish.  Worrying about all the warning signs I missed and all the flashes of insight telling me to leave that I ignored.

And other stuff too of course... it goes on

[once removed]

my confidence and self esteem really took a hit after my breakup too.

i think that there is a time and place for learning and taking the lessons into future relationships.

i also know how hard that is when your self esteem is crashing. any notion of regret or "i wish id handled that differently", or even "i wish id just walked away" is emotionally difficult to separate from just beating yourself up.

what is true is that regardless of the lessons you want to take into future relationships, you did the best you could at the time. i lost my cool too, said and did some awful things, and while i dont want to repeat that, its where i was at the time, and its done.

rumination can be exhausting. however, if its harnessed and guided, if you can probe it for insights, you can come to some resolve and satisfaction. it might do you some good to take on and explore these questions in more detail in another thread.