I’m trying to leave permanently but I’m having troubles letting go.

[Depression = 72% of members]

You start to find out just how much things were misinterpreted.   My ex said it herself.  Because we didn't communicate.  However, even then it's almost impossible to communicate, because they are getting elevated.  The expectation is you allow them to get elevated and listen to it without comment, even if it isn't correct.  To make them feel validated.  That is not the way to communicate or have a relationship.  I know for sure they hear parts of sentences; negative words and I know for sure they mix up events.

I am almost certain they mix up people and emotions.  Apply one emotion to the incorrect person and therefore a thought.

They can often start speaking back to you, what you said to them a few weeks before and start owning it as their own thought. 

They are incredibly influenced by people's emotions and behavior around them. 

If it was just one issue, maybe you can deal with it.  Maybe two issues.

They have multiple issues stacked on each other.   

You would not have been able to change anything.

Negative or positive thinking / all or nothing / good or bad
No emotional logic
Unsure how they want to be intimate.
Distorted thinking and paranoia
Disassociation - numbness - emptiness - void
Fear and trauma responses.
Pleasing to be liked
Lies
Lack of empathy to the point where they show narcissistic behavior, which only gets worse.
Selfish behavior and disregard
Boredom and indecision
Fixations and other obsessive thoughts
Anger and resentment.
Limited emotional communication skills

That is the basics.

Wherein that mess could you ever try to make that ok for them and yourself? 

They do not know how they love you and cannot explain their love or connect on an adult level (they fake it) They can only love you in a very basic way.   They all say they love intensely.  Children can love intensely as well.  Children feel everything intensely sometimes and little worlds sometimes come crashing down.   

It's not a measure of love.   You ask them to elaborate, and they can't.   They might be able to parrot what someone else said about love. 

Letting go I think is a very complicated process.  Firstly, you realize there was only one adult in the relation who was loving as an adult.  I think they kick some type of internalized maternal instinct, without you fully realizing.  It's feels like sending a 5-year-old out in the world alone, but they are adults. Kicks in your empathy.  As children/adults they are capable of inflicting great damage, and you have to comes to terms with what they did to you.  Sometimes they can seem capable, smart and focused. 

On top of that you received the motherload of projection. 

I just left her with my best advice.   To make decisions that keep her safe and secure. Don't be "that" person you will only hurt yourself.  Keep walking toward the light and don't go down the dark road.

That is all I can do.   I won't know if she "made it" because I will never see her again. 

I gave 15 years.   

[Kashi]

You start to find out just how much things were misinterpreted.   My ex said it herself.  Because we didn't communicate.  However, even then it's almost impossible to communicate, because they are getting elevated.  The expectation is you allow them to get elevated and listen to it without comment, even if it isn't correct.  To make them feel validated.  That is not the way to communicate or have a relationship.  I know for sure they hear parts of sentences; negative words and I know for sure they mix up events.

I am almost certain they mix up people and emotions.  Apply one emotion to the incorrect person and therefore a thought.

They can often start speaking back to you, what you said to them a few weeks before and start owning it as their own thought. 

They are incredibly influenced by people's emotions and behavior around them. 

If it was just one issue, maybe you can deal with it.  Maybe two issues.

They have multiple issues stacked on each other.   

You would not have been able to change anything.

Negative or positive thinking / all or nothing / good or bad
No emotional logic
Unsure how they want to be intimate.
Distorted thinking and paranoia
Disassociation - numbness - emptiness - void
Fear and trauma responses.
Pleasing to be liked
Lies
Lack of empathy to the point where they show narcissistic behavior, which only gets worse.
Selfish behavior and disregard
Boredom and indecision
Fixations and other obsessive thoughts
Anger and resentment.
Limited emotional communication skills

That is the basics.

Wherein that mess could you ever try to make that ok for them and yourself? 

They do not know how they love you and cannot explain their love or connect on an adult level (they fake it) They can only love you in a very basic way.   They all say they love intensely.  Children can love intensely as well.  Children feel everything intensely sometimes and little worlds sometimes come crashing down.   

It's not a measure of love.   You ask them to elaborate, and they can't.   They might be able to parrot what someone else said about love. 

Letting go I think is a very complicated process.  Firstly, you realize there was only one adult in the relation who was loving as an adult.  I think they kick some type of internalized maternal instinct, without you fully realizing.  It's feels like sending a 5-year-old out in the world alone, but they are adults. Kicks in your empathy.  As children/adults they are capable of inflicting great damage, and you have to comes to terms with what they did to you.  Sometimes they can seem capable, smart and focused. 

On top of that you received the motherload of projection. 

I just left her with my best advice.   To make decisions that keep her safe and secure. Don't be "that" person you will only hurt yourself.  Keep walking toward the light and don't go down the dark road.

That is all I can do.   I won't know if she "made it" because I will never see her again. 

I gave 15 years.   

[Sakura08]

Thank you Kashi, your response has made so much sense. That, I can understand. I was never ok to say no because he needed me. He needed to be smothered with attention even when we were fighting. When I needed some space, or when I needed alone time. He took it as me not loving him. We couldn’t be separate because we were a couple. I know understand why I was always wrong and also the bad guy. It helps me to let go more and more.

[Kashi]

You got it.

You also did many, many things you didn't even know he was upset about.

Also, his interpretation is not correct in many cases.

I was completely shocked when my partner started to list why she left me and what I did wrong.

She had some outrageous allegations.  When she calmed down and I could talk to her, you wouldn't believe the kind of hurt she felt and saved for years.

I mean seriously.  Stuff like I walked in front of her.  I might have a few times in 15 years, I am sure.

In her head that was so hurtful.  They also say "all the time" when something was a couple of times.

Honestly you can't win.  I don't mean maybe or maybe not, or if I did this differently.

I mean you cannot win.  

You would never be able to adapt.  It would take your rights away. 

You would have to be a loving robot.   A perfect one.  One that doesn't mind being accused of everything and anything. 

But underlying it all.   The way they are able to hurt you and lack of empathy. 

Impaired empathy.   It's quite severe and scary.   








 

[Kashi]

Just to be fair.  I don't know about men BPD but I know woman.  I can see how they can be taken advantage of.

When they are in the idealization phase they don't see motives of people. 

So, I am sure many do get treated badly. 

We wrong know right from wrong.   I know the times I did hurt her.   I know what I did right. 

I treated her overwhelming with love and compassion.   I am sorry for those times I should have done better. 

But I told her I can only own what I did right or wrong, I can't own what I didn't do.

She will have to reconcile that herself.  I can't help her with that. 

Just like she will have to reconcile her own actions and how she hurt me.   

Take back your own thoughts.   Stop thinking in their disordered way. 

Brings strength. 

[yellowbutterfly]

Skaura,

You are NOT the bad guy even if your person accused you of it. They are mentally ill - do not forget that.

My xUBD is a male and was not only severely disordered/mentally ill but also highly abusive. The level of his illness was shocking and the abuse I suffered gave me PTSD that required intense treatment.

From the other side of things, I feel so grateful to be rid of him and his abuse. Please know that it gets better the further you get away (if that is what you want). For several weeks, I had a hard time detaching from the FOG of the relationship. I now know I was trauma bonded and guilted into staying. I kept thinking IF only I could change him - the reality is you cannot change anyone and a person who is severely personality disordered is most likely never going to stop the behaviors they exhibit.

@Kashi, I agree, some of the things that "hurt" xUBPD were outrageous and delusional. I laughed once at a squirrel in a park and he thought I was mocking him. The paranoia was so intense and his view of the world just not real sadly.

These might be the most helpful statements I've read lately, as I reflect on my own situation...

Take back your own thoughts.   Stop thinking in their disordered way. 

Brings strength.

It is so accurate. Do not blame yourself for falling into their delusions. Instead, surround yourself with rational people and step away from the disordered.

I mean you cannot win.  

You would never be able to adapt.  It would take your rights away. 

[Kashi]

@Sakura08 

We all understand what happened and how you feel.  You are pregnant and that must be a little frighting.  If you want to express yourself here, nobody will judge you.   

I think we can support each other, and other times, we need to speak our truth in the cold light of day. 

As much as that feels sometimes to me, slightly callous.   Somethings can't be glossed over.   

@yellowbutterfly  The FOG!   I know that feeling.  To me it felt like I had just spilt in two and one part of me threw a bucket of ice-cold water over the other and woke me up to what had been happening.   I simply lost track of our relationship and the objectives.  She wasn't violent physically, but the behavior is abusive and oppressive.  More so directed at me as time went on.   That moment when you realize it was emotional abuse is a sickening feeling.  You see the manipulation. 

I see people with BDP talk about the monster within.  I know clearly now there were half a dozen times where she projected that on to me and caused anxiety.  When you are in that state of high anxiety you aren't functioning properly, and this allows them to control the relationship.  Something needs to happen to break that pattern.   

@Sakura08  I can't give you specific advice.  I am not a professional.  I can give you my experience and my opinion. 

I would seek out a professional who knows BDP who can communicate with you and bring some clarify to the behaviors.  It is good to have someone who understand you, and BDP.

I personally would see your BDP partner with someone else as a positive.

You have a window he is not focused on you.   You are married.   I would start that process now to amicably dissolve the marriage.  I would keep pushing gently forward until you can get it finalized. 

Because they can make it very hard for you.  I was stuck in our house and life.  If it was up to her, I would not have left because in her mind I am her property.  To come back to when she may feel the need.   Not an individual with my own thoughts, fears, emotions, issues, hurt etc.  Her property who loved and supported her until I wasn't needed.

Anything else in my mind about the love she felt for me, is not the same as the love I felt for her. 

She does not know what love is.   I had to explain it all to her the best way I could.   Being in love and the transition to love, how you get your needs met in a healthy way.  She would speak back some strange analogy to understand what I was talking about. 

I didn't know she didn't have a clue, I guess because she was feeding back what she thought I wanted to hear.   Doing what she thought would please me.  Not emotional pleasing, just doing things for me which don't make up for emotional content. 

I have empathy for her that she is oblivious and because of that, a target. 

But also, her behavior makes her a real threat to herself and others.

You can't rationalize that for someone else.  You can't love it better, you can't grow it, you can't support it by enabling.

The kindest action for both is to step out of it and keep moving forward.   

Their black and white thinking splits a normal person's brain in half after a while.  We are not supposed to think in those two extremes.  Sometimes I could feel it physically in my brain.  That split in my brain.  The thoughts.  Because that is how they are operating, and you are trying to bring logic to it.  Hurt my mind.  The confusion it brings. 

What helped me was I did an online CBT course.  That is the same course they do.  So, it made sense to me to do it.

https://www.moodgym.com.au   it's free and https://www.ecouch.com.au

Challange your thoughts.   I also found it was useful to understand the way they think.  What parts of my thoughts I always had and never realized and what parts were created because of the continual contact with my partner. 

So, when you have a thought, you can instantly recognize it, give it and name and choose to change the narrative. 

Retrain your brain.....

[Sakura08]

Thank yo so much Kashi, that really helped me to understand. I appreciate you breaking it down for me. I was never allowed to say no or have alone time. Even when we would be in an argument I would still have to smother him with attention. Which was so taxing on me emotionally. Now I see why the constant need for attention was something I couldn’t live up to.
I really feel better in letting go more and more each day.

[Sakura08]

Sorry I thought my reply wasn’t posted. Well I guess it’s a double thanks haha.

[Sakura08]

I couldn’t understand because it felt so fanatical. So manic and I didn’t understand why. I could feel some red flags coming up, but I was always reassured it was just me and our past. Talking about healthy things, calmly and rationally was an alien feeling for him. It would just turn into screaming matches and then he would compare it to what people did to him in the past.
I could feel that it was something more, something inside of him. And now I feel better with my counseling and cbt diaries, and all the resources I have to help myself. And thanks to this forum, I know I’m not alone, other people have experienced this as well.
All I want is to calmly talk things out. But it’s too far gone and that was never achievable. So now with everyday I see these threads and I feel so much better.

[Kashi]

My Pleasure, if you found some things helpful.  We are here to support each other.  Who else would understand the detail, if not someone who lived it.

The detail is so complex and hard to understand. 

They can't have an emotion-based conversation without feeling you are being critical, negative or don't love them.

Inside they feel shame, worthless, guilty and have a fragile ego.  It doesn't take much to wound their ego.   

Then they put up an emotional wall and you can't get through it.  They start to blame, project to protect themselves.  They do this on the flick of a switch. 

I have seen the emotional wall.   Physically I can see it in her body.  The tension, sometimes the rejection feeling, sometimes her actions as payback.  She sits behind the wall blocking out emotions and me.  She is dispersing her shame/hurt/guilt on to me.  I can see it happening in front of my eyes.

The shame/hurt/guilt is them.  I often wonder if there is anything more inside them, than that.   It looks like a lost world inside them, and they don't know where to find the fragments of who they are, to make one whole person. 

Yes, you know when it has gone too far, there is too much hurt.  They are not capable of fixing a relationship which is one of the reasons why they run.  Start again for as long as that lasts, hoping something will change.  Sounds like he has done this quite a few times.   

I always thought she was a gentle, beautiful person. 

Now I realized that was me.  Which sounds weird.

It wasn't her.   She played the facade, and I played it for real.  That makes me sad and kind of empty. 

Sad for both of us.   But I still have that inside me and I refuse to be a bitter person with hate.

I'm not living my life like that.   

No contact clears your head.   I still have trouble sleeping. 

So, you do CBT.  Good on you.   Try and catch your thoughts and use CBT to change them. 

Thanks for talking with me.  It helps me as well. 

[EyesUp]

I really feel better in letting go more and more each day.

Just wanted to say:  It's usually a long journey, but this is an indication that you're on the right path.  Keep going... 

[Sakura08]

Thank you so much. I have never had a break up be so hard. One the difficult things is to know you walked away for your safety and sanity. Only to have them tell you that they could never be with you because you’re a liar and a cheater and they could never be with someone that’s unstable. It is confusing and partly infuriating that it’s turned around on me. And it distorted my own view of myself this whole time.

[EyesUp]

So often in these relationships, accusations are confessions.

You have the power to give yourself permission to stop listening, stop paying attention, and stop giving consideration to an unreliable and likely abusive source. 

[yellowbutterfly]

The feelings of being told you are abusive, crazy, or it’s your fault are so horrible. It’s projection and yet it erodes your sense of self.

I was none of these things but felt so broken from being told them constantly.

Consider the source. Rebuild your self esteem. You are worth it.

[Sakura08]

I get counseling and I feel so much better about myself. I slowly tell myself it’s ok. And sometimes I feel like I am the one who caused it all like he said.
He cries to me, tells me he loves no one else but me. But he can’t ever believe me or what I say because of all the cheating I did. He loves me but it’s still and will always be all my fault. Trying to contact me like it’s ok. Then flies off the handle and tell me that he’s living the life I chose for him. That he took the hints I gave him, and that I pushed him away.
I wanted the opposite, I wanted us to come together.
Even typing this out I remembered the crazy confusion I would have in my head. Questioning my feelings and my sanity.

[Sakura08]

Today I felt good, but then I got cyber harassed by his current partner. I feel terrible, he told me his girlfriend is “gonna harass you”
Saying he loves me and he’s sorry. I feel incredibly stupid and now very terrible. I can not comprehend all this. And what feels worse is that he puts it on me as if I could cause him to lose everything to be with me. But I don’t even want that anymore. It feels like chaos, which I’m trying to stay away from. But the chaos is on me and because of me? I get afraid that I will start to believe that it’s my fault again. I don’t want to regress again.

[EyesUp]

Hi Sakura,

The title of this thread is 100% honest - rescanning the thread shows that you're conflicted, trying to leave, and having a hard time doing it.

Completely understandable.

It's impossible to go "no contact" when you still have logistics to work out, and also when your emotions remain engaged, provoked, reactive.

Here's a suggestion:  If we take this thread at face value and accept that you truly do want to "leave permanently," it might be helpful to shift your focus to what the future might look like.  i.e., instead of thinking about the new partner or whatever provocation du jour is concocted, think about what's next for you.

Have you read about the path to no contact?  I realize it's not practical to simply flip a switch and get there today - but reading about the process and keeping that path in mind might be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

Another article that might be worth a look is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

If you decide to read this last one, keep an objective, critical eye.  Some of the themes are just as likely to make any of us want to try again as to find a way to detach.  But the themes do describe the traps to watch out for, even if only some of them relate to what you're feeling.

Ultimately, the best thing you can do to diminish what you're feeling now is to try to change the channel in your head.  It's the weekend - go for a walk, a drive, try a new bakery, call an old friend, watch a movie - anything really, other than dwelling on the conflict / new partner / etc.

If you want to put this stuff behind you, on one level it's simple:  stop feeding the fire by giving it fuel - your attention.

I hope this helps in some way.

[Kashi]

It's not your fault love is never enough for him.

It's not your fault he is now emotionally cheating with the person he is with.   Don't become a part of it, so it is then something you will be responsible for.   

It's not your fault he can't regulate his own emotions and keep his mind balanced and healthy.

Imagine this, you were still together.  One day you realize he can't be intimate because he needs the initial allure, game playing, infatuation to experience some type of emotion.  Then eventually sex will become robotic, because there is no real substance.  Then he will start blaming you for his lack of emotional depth-experience. 

It's not your fault he is not capable of taking care of his own needs, while caring about yours. 

It's not your fault he is ruining someone else life instead of seeking the help he needs and pulling himself and someone else into the quagmire of despair.

BPD like to say their actions are not intentional.   That could be said if they are young and tried out a couple of relationships.  But it seems to me as they experience life, get older that is just an excuse.  Because they do know what they are doing and the hurt they can potentially cause.  Many of them express this very well across a whole range of communication platforms.   

It's not your fault he can't control his actions or doesn't care about the damage he does.

You are responsible if you enable his behavior and allow him to hurt you more.

[Kashi]

Oh and...

You are the only person I speak to, who makes me want to stay strong for myself. 

While I am "willing" you to stay strong, I am speaking to myself as well. 

They find a guilt weakness.   Could have a small,  very small,  a fraction of truth to it. 

They find it and use it.  They are very good at it. 

It's about control and emotional power.   Because they need something to keep you there.  They know at some point they will be called out.   

[Sakura08]

No, I don’t want to be part of it. I don’t want to enable this behavior. Everything he does is my fault, everything that has gone wrong is my fault. But it’s not, no, I am not the cause. I cry and doubt myself. But I didn’t do this. No matter what ways he words it to me.
He knows I love him but I don’t think he can accept himself.

[Kashi]

I do the same. 

Cry and now only sometimes doubt myself.   

My ex told me how much she loves me,  thinks about me all the time, regrets what happened. 

I don't know if that is true or not.   When someone has a disorder and often they don't know what is true or not.

Because they are fluctuating between positive and negative emotions.

There comes a day you just can't place that kind of belief in a person who cannot maintain their emotional state to have an ongoing loving and content experience with you.   

They are relying on you to keep them feeling loved and happy.   That is not realistic for them. 

They are pissed off about it.   Deep down they know there is something "wrong" with them and what is happening around them is largely and often created by them.  However to face that core wound without feeling innately worthless is almost impossible for most BPD.  In my BPD travels and communication,  I have maybe seen one of two BPD actually have a balanced grip on who they are,  the issues they face,  the behaviors, the hurt they can cause to themselves and others.

One or two.   Out of thousands. 

You are simply a vessel to place the blame to,  so they don't have to deal with that wound.

When they try they don't open it up.   It's a very superficial look at themselves.  Sometimes my ex is blaming herself for everything and that isn't realistic.  It's more like "I give up" it's all my fault. 

They can't balance their thoughts and emotions.  It takes them making that first step into therapy,  which many can't do.  Then it takes a lot of intelligence, insight,  focus and acceptance to make that therapy work for them.  Just to be able to identify what emotions they are feeling and why.   Way too hard for many of them.  The easier way is to just keep doing what they are doing with someone else to hold off the hurt for a while,  then move on and ignore the impact they have.   

It's a selfish, futile existence. 

One they choose. 

Not one you have to choose.

You are allowed to love him.  I love my ex like nothing else on this earth.  It wasn't all "bad" 

But I cannot allow myself to be hurt.   I know for a FACT I kept her pretty stable. 

The effort I had to put in to make that happen was exhausting.   The moment I took my eye off the ball she felt she was being abandoned.

It would have happened at some point.

How "real" is it if I am the "keeper of love" and there to remind her it exists.  If I am not then it doesn't exist?

You can't make that "work" 

Sometimes you are having a conversation with a distorted perspective.  I would find myself fighting for my integrity and truth.

Where what I needed to do and I did sometimes, is simply say that is not true.   

I can only take blame for what I did do,  I can't take blame for what she did,  or what I didn't do.

I was taking on every single word she said to me.   That is a heavy burden to take on. 

You don't need to fight for your truth. 

You just need to calmly speak it to yourself,  feel it inside your body not your mind. 

Hard to explain it. 

This stuff messes up your mind and kind of fragments you.  It fragments them and they have spun it on to you.

I find if I feel the whole me, starting with sensing what my body is telling me,  I start to feel like I am taking back complete ownership of me.   Rather than starting with a thought.  If that results in a massive sobbing session then so be it.  It will pass. My body is telling me what I need.  It is saying that it needs space,  for me to be kinder to myself,  that I am depleted and need to have moments of where I feel connected with the world and myself again.   

What my ex does is not under my control.  How she lives her life,  makes decisions that hurt her or others, is not under my control.   Her love,  what that is and who she gives it to and how,  is not under my control.  How she hurts is not under my control.  She will hurt long after I am gone, in exactly the same way,  unless she does something about it. 

I do have control over my choices,  how I want to live,  how I want to love, my thoughts and my emotions.

[SinisterComplex]

No, I don’t want to be part of it. I don’t want to enable this behavior. Everything he does is my fault, everything that has gone wrong is my fault. But it’s not, no, I am not the cause. I cry and doubt myself. But I didn’t do this. No matter what ways he words it to me.
He knows I love him but I don’t think he can accept himself.

Sakura, the hardest part here is that you have to separate what is said and accept it for what it is...an expression of anger...not a personal shot or dig at you. Granted his words may be coming out that way, but try to have the mind set that he does not know how to express his emotions so they come out as angry and mean words and they have to be placed somewhere so he chooses you because you are an emotional anchor. Make sense?

His emotions and his issues are his own to deal with and they are not your responsibility...that is perhaps one of the harder lessons for most people to learn.

When I mention being firm and indifferent this is why. You are firm in your responses to potential boundary breaches and you are indifferent to the emotional outbursts that happen letting them roll off you like a rain drop off a rain coat because you know better than to take emotionally charged words personally.

I hope this helps you.

In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Sakura08]

Thank you all so much, this thread has helped me so much. It has helped me cope. I left him when he had a crisis and in the crisis he separated his kids from mine and left us in an apartment that actually lost power because he didn’t pay the light bill. I was left by myself scared and hurting from helping him in his crisis by putting him in the hospital. The way he attacked me when he was released and finding out I was pregnant solidified my decision to move out. I came back to my hometown and picked myself up from rock bottom. I really wanted to fix myself and learn how to better communicate. What I could do better. But because I left there was nothing I could do or say because he wouldn’t listen.
I came back with nothing and now I’m in a good place. Crazy enough I shared my journey with him and told him he had a place here with me if he wanted to make that choice. Because I still loved him and believed in our love. I still wanted him with me. But he gave me every answer but yes. He used school as an excuse. Then he said he was in another relationship because he thought I wanted to be done and he was confused. I wasn’t sure but after his actions I started to see that it was time to start letting go. He continued to contact me regardless of me blocking him. And I let the thoughts back in. Then he tells me she’s pregnant, so I let go more and more. And with this it just jabs the knife in more.
I’ve done so much work on myself. Learning to love myself and feel better for leaving. And all this has been like a lifeline when I can’t get to therapy. I am so thankful for every comment and supportive wish.

[tina7868]

Hey Sakura08  ! We`re all rooting for you! It takes a lot of courage to share your vulnerabilities and experiences, and you've helped many others feel less alone in their own struggles.

You've worked hard to heal and improve yourself, and that's something to be incredibly proud of! Remember that your worth and value aren't defined by someone else's choices, nor their actions.

Keep shining your light. You got this, and you deserve all the happiness life has to offer! Remember to be gentle with yourself and take care of your mental health.

[Sakura08]

That’s also why it’s been tough for me to let go. I had a lot of love left to give. But it’s hard being the bad guy in the relationship. Saying he’s scared to be with me because of all the trauma I caused but he loves me and wants us to be together still. I pull away and he pulls me back in then says that it’s me, because of me and my actions. So now the feelings of letting go get stronger and I feel comfortable with letting parts of it go in my own time.

[tina7868]

Saying he’s scared to be with me because of all the trauma I caused but he loves me and wants us to be together still. I pull away and he pulls me back in then says that it’s me, because of me and my actions.

It`s helpful, and shows a lot of reflection, that you recognize this pattern. Recognizing patterns allows us to change them.

So now the feelings of letting go get stronger and I feel comfortable with letting parts of it go in my own time.

You put it so well. There is a balance between pushing yourself, growing stronger and more resilient, and being patient and kind to yourself as you take things at a pace that works for you. It sounds like you`re striking that balance. Keep going you`ve got this!

[Sakura08]

He always was able to tell me how much it’s my fault. How I left him, he needed me but I left, I cheated on him because I never loved him. How I made him feel ugly and unwanted. That he can’t trust me and that he’s scared of being with me again. He changed his whole life for me and I didn’t do the same.
That’s a lot of tough things to hear, on a daily basis. And then to turn around and say that’s he’s scared to lose me. That he can’t move on because I am the love of his life. He doesn’t want to love anyone else because I’m still his wife.
He wants to still come back together at some point, but he can’t be with me because he can’t build a life with someone unstable as me.
Telling me he wishes he was here with me, but if he was to be with me it would cost him everyone.
The thing is, I never asked him to be back together. I never told him that I wanted to work it out. Yes I do want him here, as a sad lovesick wish. But I never said I wanted to work things out.
I can see me being put on a pedestal and then swiftly knocked off from it, sometimes in the same sentence.
Blaming me for us being separated when he wants to fight for it.
It’s such a swing between extremes. Yes No Yes No, over and over.
I’m the one that brings a solution, but it’s wrong. He’s a swinging pendulum and I’m the wall he smashes into.
Feels so old and boring. I thought because he was older than me that he would be the mental experience and maturity. But I felt like I was constantly having to be mentally aware and mature for the both of us.
I’m sad yes, because I still had all my life to love someone I believed in. That I married without question, I was committed for sure. But it turned into this, and I just couldn’t get it out of my head that it was all my fault like he said. But in the books I’ve read, and counseling and this place that has helped me see that it’s not just because he can’t cope, that there was something deeper. Yes I have faults and could have handled so many things differently and I take blame when I am the one responsible. But I’m not the sole bad guy. I really see that, the patterns. How it’s helping me take the rose colored glasses off.
The in-depth and descriptive responses about his thought process makes sense. Because he always “needed” me. Even when we were screaming at each other, he wanted cuddles. The fear of abandonment. That he never wanted to be alone, I was the one on the pedestal and now I’m the villain.

[Sakura08]

At this point as well, I just want to be alone. I’m an introvert and I love my own company. I love my silence and thoughts that are my own. I enjoyed life quietly and went on adventures alone. Before this, I knew who I was and I worked hard to go from surviving to thriving. I don’t get why this break up is so volatile. So hot and cold. I’m usually calm and level headed. And now I have to tell myself that he didn’t choose me. Which sends me into a depression and I go through stages of grief, even though it’s been a year, it still is taking time.

[Kashi]

It's not unusual feel some type of guilt when you leave a relationship.  You know by leaving you are causing some pain for another person, even though it's in both best interests.  If you felt nothing you wouldn't be human. 

BDP sense guilt in a person, and they tend to leverage it when they get the chance.   

Maybe keep that in context. 

In a way he is right.  One way.   The relationship is not safe for him but also you.

You can't untangle the why with him because his thinking is distorted. 

But you can agree on the fundamental of, it isn't safe.   You don't need to take on the "why" and the blame.

Perhaps like every other relationship there are things you wish you didn't say, didn't do, or did do.

Like I keep telling myself, own what you did do, disown what you didn't do and know your rights. 

You have rights.  One of them is your ability to own your own mistakes, not have someone dictate and fault transfer what they are.   You can listen but if it's way off mark you can't absorb it.

Break you down into nothing.



 

[Sakura08]

That’s what I felt, that I was nothing. Nothing good, because of all the bad things he said I did and who he said I was. That he doesn’t know me and never did. I’m not being the person he fell in love with. Just over and over again. And I believed him, until now. Now I feel good. I’m just conflicted still about letting go, which is happening cumulatively.