A 6 month picture perfect BPD relationship (love bombing, mirroring, everything) that pretty much ended the day of our 6 month anniversary when I sent her some flowers saying that our movie (we had an insane first date, picture perfect Hollywood romantic comedy stuff) began 6 months ago. I think at that point she decided that I was getting a bit to close to her wounds, put me through 2 weeks distant/not-distant/distant stuff that just about drove me nuts and then broke it off when I asked her to talk to me and tell me what's up with a text telling me how great of a friend I am (not even asking me if I wanted to remain a friend, just presenting me with the fact). I went NC that day. That was a week and a half before Thanksgiving that she was supposed to spend with me. 3 weeks prior to that she even introduced me to her parents at an official dinner which to any sane person would signal that the relationship is progressing well. Good times.
So at the six month anniversary, and right before Thanksgiving, she let you know that she saw the relationship more as friends than lovers? November is the highest breakup month, right before the Thanksgiving/Christmas Holiday. Was this a breakup - sloppy - but a breakup?
Alright, here is the full story of the end of it all.
Beginning of October - she tells me that she has a couple of vacation days left and she would love to spend them with me over Thanksgiving instead of her family. I am delighted (inside that's it) but ask her if she is sure about it 'cause it is a pretty important family holiday and we only dated for 5 months and I don't wanna create issues. ":)on't worry, I'd rather be with you. We probably will just have a dinner Wednesday night, I can fly out Thursday morning to you" Holy crap, the girl must mean business, I think to myself.
A week later - she tells me that on my next week visit scheduled next week, her mom is asking to meet me for the first time because "she wants to see the guy who is stealing her daughter away from her on Thanksgiving." I say sure, of course I will. "Things are progressing nicely", I think to myself
Middle of October - I meet her parents for the first time on my visit. All my friends tell me - "Hey, an important day today, right?" All the time I had been told I should brace myself for the day I meet her mom because "my mom is simply vicious when she meets my new guy. She will find your weakness and simply make you cry. She enjoys making grown men cry. That's why I stopped bringing guys my age to meet her, they can't stand up to my mother" I am preparing for keeping my cool in some crazy a$$ argument. None of this happens. We have a 3 hour nice dinner having a conversation about anything and everything in the world - our businesses, lives, my background, completely normal. As we are leaving, my girlie tells me - "That was completely weird. This is the nicest I have seen my mom behave around my new guy I introduce her too. I have never seen this before"
Middle to the end of October - things happen at her work, she needs to get rid of a bunch of people at her restaurant gets stressed with replacing people and working 3 jobs at the same time while hosting a bunch of events. End of October she tells me she doesn't have enough time to train people and can't leave her restaurant over Thanksgiving. Here is where you would think she would tell me that it is over since she lost interest. Nope, we get on the phone, figure out the weekend after Thanksgiving I can go visit her again. I book the flight while we are on the phone. She is all happy, her restaurant has a couple of events we can go attend that weekend, her cat will be very happy to see me again.
Monday, November 3rd - it is our 6th month anniversary. I sent her flowers, saying that our movie had begun 6 months ago. "Oh, it is so nice of you, you didn't have to, but it is so nice!" Normal communication, she tells how she won't let her cat sit in those flowers like he normally sits on flowers I send her because he is jealous of me. Everything is cool and awesome, no issues. She goes to a happy hour with her sister that night.
November 4th through 14th - $hit gets completely weird. Literally over night from 3rd to the 4th something happens and I for all intents and purposes lose her. Our communication goes from 100+ texts a day and what not to 20... .15... .10... .She is busy with work, she is busy with friends, her phone dies all the the time all the sudden (not once it died in the prior 6 months). It takes her hours to reply to me. She is hammered every other day. One morning after another bender, I jokingly ask her how bad was her head hurting. "My whole life hurts" she replies to me. I am watching all this and can't believe my eyes - "what the heck is happening?" It feels like a mental torture, but I try not to freak out thinking that maybe she is just stressed out. Plus, from what I was told, her previous boyfriend was such a controlling ass, always was in her business. I don't want to be that guy. I silently watch all the $hit, interacting with her in the most normal way possible.
November 15th through 17th - She gets deadly sick. It was going around her work and people are just bed ridden for weeks with this flu. I send her the same day delivery Get Better flowers with candy and a card with an inside joke. It is a Friday, she doesn't tell me thanks or nothing about flowers. We exchange a grand total of 3 texts on Saturday, she still doesn't acknowledge the receipt of flowers. Sunday morning I decide that I really had enough of this stuff. We are two adults, adults fix things, talk it out when problems come up, not play this high school game. She is sick, I don't know if she can talk, so I send her a text along the lines of "I will bring this up once and will never mention this again. I know you have been really busy with work and stressed with life. But if there is something you need or want to talk about, let me know. I'm there for you because I really care about you." Trying to get her open up to me. That day, for the first time in 6.5 months I don't have any communication with her. Zero. She took off the FitBit I gave her for her birthday as a gift the night before, it stops registering steps Saturday night. (I checked a few days later) Next day, on Monday, I don't hear anything at all from her till around 4 pm when I get the following text - "Thank you for the flowers and candy. It wasn't necessary but appreciated. I am such a lucky girl to have such a good friend. I am 100% better now *smiley face*" I can't take my eyes off the word "friend" What the heck? I take about a half an hour to catch myself, then reply like nothing happened "Oh great, I thought you were too sick! How is your day going?" No reply. Try to call, leave a voice mail, no returned call. I don't hear from her for 6 weeks until that Merry Xmas message I received through WhatsUp, just like we talked about it back 3 months ago when I booked my flight to Europe to visit my family. I was gonna send her picture every day on WhatsUp.
Next few weeks - I mentally fall apart. I can't concentrate on anything, my brain just isn't functioning. I walk around like the world doesn't exist around me. How I didn't get hit by the bus, I have no idea. I wake up 20 times when I can sleep, checking my phone, making sure I didn't miss anything from her. When I lay in bed, it literally feels like a half of me is missing. I can barely eat, I lose about 15 lbs in 6 weeks 'cause all I can eat is some soup every other day, solid food just doesn't go down. My brain flickers between a suicide and ordering a hit on her. I have absolutely nutty break downs once a week when I can feel it build up inside of me through the week and I am finally on the floor one day, cry like a baby. It literally feels like I am going insane. Never in my life I have experienced anything like this before. I go on that trip we planned together. She knows I am in town. She still has some of my stuff at her place. No communication from her along the lines of "What do you want me to do with it?". Nothing, complete silence. We are such good buddies. Things get better but it takes me good 4-5 months to really get my $hit together.
I know, I know, a pretty normal break up, the girlie just lost interest within two weeks of introducing me to her parents, what can you do... .
What were the primary indications of mental illness in the relationship?
I put together this list some time back.
1. She had a horrible relationship with her mother because her mother "walked out of her life" and only decided to come back in her life a couple of years ago. In fact, the hatred run so deep, she changed her last name so that she isn't reminded of her mother every day.
2. I met her mother - she is a narc and a half. Now that I think back to it, for 3 hours we talked, I didn't get a smile, I didn't get change of the tone of her voice. Like a zombie.
3. She flat out told me that she tends to "lose interest" in relationships after a year or so.
4. Her brother out of nowhere had a mental breakdown a few years ago and was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder - a common misdiagnosis for a personality disorder. Oh, and by the way, she told me that when that happened, her mother refused to leave her business and go take of her own child while she was taking care of her brother for months.
5. She talked about herself - a lot, or more like, constantly. To the point where my friends after a while started asking me if I was finding it kinda weird how much she talked about herself. All the while I could sense she had a pretty low self esteem. In fact, I flat out told my buddy, and I quote, "Her mother did a number on her self esteem"
6. She didn't appear to have too many friends... .or any at all. I met two of them, I suspect one of them ended up being my replacement. Lucky guy!
7. Speaking of friends, she had this bizarre falling out with her best friends (one of few I have met). They went from best buds to her talking about taking a restraining order in about 3 months. After that my girlie told me - "And that is why I just don't trust anybody"
7. Pity play. She appeared to have a permanent black cloud over her head and I had to console her almost on daily basis about things. It was non stop.
8. Alcohol issues. Now, don't get me wrong, I am no stranger to it myself, but I wondered how a 5'4 110 lbs girlie can pretty much out drink a 6'0 190 lbs guy like myself. When she saw a bar in my apartment, she told me "I can never have that in my place, I'd be always drunk".
9. She used to be a college cheerleader. When I asked her how she ended up doing that she told me "I always hated to be a part of the crowd. I always wanted to be in front of the crowd"
10. After all of it was done, my best friend told me - "Every single mutual female friend we have who has ever met her was asking me to get you away from her. Something was just off about her, something wasn't adding up"
I bet I can come up with 50 more examples, just don't wanna think about it anymore.
