Wishing I did not miss her at Christmas...

[Depression = 72% of members]

           Hi All,

              And first off, my heart and warmth go out to all of your dealing with your own situations, as I know you all are-be it big or small.

             I went no contact with my uBPDm, around Spring, as her lying and horrible, out-of-check behavior was affecting my life and the lives of my family too much for me to handle any longer. I had to thrive away from her-my sanity demanded it.

             I set the no-contact boundary, which at first, was painful for me. I felt so much guilt and fear of abandoning her. But I allowed myself to just feel that feeling, reminded myself, with other's help too, I was *not* at all, a bad person for caring for myself and doing this. In a short time, I felt so much better. I felt free! Free to be me, without always cringing when the phone rang, without bracing myself for whatever garbage would be on my Facebook(she would post photos and quotes so often, I'd have almost none of my own posts even noticed. I blocked her), and just not dealing with her completely out of control 24-7 drama!

             So, as the weeks and months have gone on, it dawned on me that if I had sadness for not missing a Mom, it was because I missed what I *wished* and pretended she was. Strangely, this felt better understanding this, because I didn't have as much guilt at all, and could accept it really was *that bad*.

             Anyway, I had been holding onto the comfortable feeling that she was more of a *farce* than a mother, when I was hit with missing *a mother* in general the other day, and unexpectedly, began to cry. It really felt as if it came out of no where.

            My kind husband reminded me that of course I'd miss her, regardless of how difficult she's been to me in my life. I am a human after all.

            But still, I thought I'd gotten past that feeling. I guess not.

            What am I missing exactly? Am I missing the deeper soul of the person I wish could get out from under all her baggage, damage and awfulness?

             The past 2 years, I haven't even gotten any Christmas gifts from her, as she'd swear money was *too tight* and she'd make it up to me later(which she would conveniently forget to do-as she's broken too many promises to count). Living on the other side of the country made little things from her in the past more meaningful. But due to her selfishness and extremely poor handling of any money in her house, she was without money *again* for Christmas. Mind you, that's if she wasn't lying again, something she has been prone to do to make herself feel better. Or, to make herself seem more pitiful, so I would be prompted to comfort *her* instead of *me* being the one let down. And we all know it isn't what she would be sending, but the act of actually following through, sending anything at all, and sentiment being behind it.

             Talking with my Dad recently(divorced from my Mom since the early 90's), he said when he first met/dated my Mom(way before I ever showed up),my eldest sister Jenny was a toddler. Mom was living with Jenny at her severely OCD/Hoarder Mother's house, in deplorable conditions. With great concern, he moved them both in with him, and out of my Grandmother's house.

             But it was at this time, Dad began to see my Mom's weird behavior patterns exhibit themselves. For one thing, she physically *would not touch* my sister Jenny. Would not pick her up, and avoided her. When my Dad asked why she was acting this way to her own child, she said,'Ugh! I don't want to look at her-we have history!' CAN you BELIEVE that crap? History, with a toddler?

             I had heard stories here and there, outside of Mom, that she'd been that way with Jenny, but hearing it so succinctly from my Dad just made me sick in a new way. How,... .how can anyone behave this way?

             So you see, missing my Mom, after so much horrible, disgusting behavior and history, it just doesn't compute to me. And that makes me kinda sad too. I am sad that I don't understand, and sad that I have any feelings of missing her. It's so peculiar.

             Believe it or not though, even though I'm venting, I'm doing fairly well right now. It just hit me especially hard the other day.

            But, I am curious, could anyone else share what their no-contact holidays have been like to date? I'd really like to hear your experiences.

             I am grateful for everyone here, and wish you all a very, Merry Christmas however. Warm and wonderful hugs to you, Lunchie

[lunchie]

           Hi All,

              And first off, my heart and warmth go out to all of your dealing with your own situations, as I know you all are-be it big or small.

             I went no contact with my uBPDm, around Spring, as her lying and horrible, out-of-check behavior was affecting my life and the lives of my family too much for me to handle any longer. I had to thrive away from her-my sanity demanded it.

             I set the no-contact boundary, which at first, was painful for me. I felt so much guilt and fear of abandoning her. But I allowed myself to just feel that feeling, reminded myself, with other's help too, I was *not* at all, a bad person for caring for myself and doing this. In a short time, I felt so much better. I felt free! Free to be me, without always cringing when the phone rang, without bracing myself for whatever garbage would be on my Facebook(she would post photos and quotes so often, I'd have almost none of my own posts even noticed. I blocked her), and just not dealing with her completely out of control 24-7 drama!

             So, as the weeks and months have gone on, it dawned on me that if I had sadness for not missing a Mom, it was because I missed what I *wished* and pretended she was. Strangely, this felt better understanding this, because I didn't have as much guilt at all, and could accept it really was *that bad*.

             Anyway, I had been holding onto the comfortable feeling that she was more of a *farce* than a mother, when I was hit with missing *a mother* in general the other day, and unexpectedly, began to cry. It really felt as if it came out of no where.

            My kind husband reminded me that of course I'd miss her, regardless of how difficult she's been to me in my life. I am a human after all.

            But still, I thought I'd gotten past that feeling. I guess not.

            What am I missing exactly? Am I missing the deeper soul of the person I wish could get out from under all her baggage, damage and awfulness?

             The past 2 years, I haven't even gotten any Christmas gifts from her, as she'd swear money was *too tight* and she'd make it up to me later(which she would conveniently forget to do-as she's broken too many promises to count). Living on the other side of the country made little things from her in the past more meaningful. But due to her selfishness and extremely poor handling of any money in her house, she was without money *again* for Christmas. Mind you, that's if she wasn't lying again, something she has been prone to do to make herself feel better. Or, to make herself seem more pitiful, so I would be prompted to comfort *her* instead of *me* being the one let down. And we all know it isn't what she would be sending, but the act of actually following through, sending anything at all, and sentiment being behind it.

             Talking with my Dad recently(divorced from my Mom since the early 90's), he said when he first met/dated my Mom(way before I ever showed up),my eldest sister Jenny was a toddler. Mom was living with Jenny at her severely OCD/Hoarder Mother's house, in deplorable conditions. With great concern, he moved them both in with him, and out of my Grandmother's house.

             But it was at this time, Dad began to see my Mom's weird behavior patterns exhibit themselves. For one thing, she physically *would not touch* my sister Jenny. Would not pick her up, and avoided her. When my Dad asked why she was acting this way to her own child, she said,'Ugh! I don't want to look at her-we have history!' CAN you BELIEVE that crap? History, with a toddler?

             I had heard stories here and there, outside of Mom, that she'd been that way with Jenny, but hearing it so succinctly from my Dad just made me sick in a new way. How,... .how can anyone behave this way?

             So you see, missing my Mom, after so much horrible, disgusting behavior and history, it just doesn't compute to me. And that makes me kinda sad too. I am sad that I don't understand, and sad that I have any feelings of missing her. It's so peculiar.

             Believe it or not though, even though I'm venting, I'm doing fairly well right now. It just hit me especially hard the other day.

            But, I am curious, could anyone else share what their no-contact holidays have been like to date? I'd really like to hear your experiences.

             I am grateful for everyone here, and wish you all a very, Merry Christmas however. Warm and wonderful hugs to you, Lunchie

[learn2letgo]

Thank you for sharing your story and feelings. I have been NC with my mom for over two years and haven't seen her in 5. I do send a xmas card and occasionally send a birthday email, but will not answer emails or phone calls otherwise. The holidays are

never fun and this year has been especially difficult on me. I was watching a movie, "The Family Stone". There was a scene where the aging sick mom was taking a nap, and her daughter came and laid down beside her and wrapped her in a hug. I broke into tears and so badly wished I could hug my own mom. I know how heartbroken and abandoned my mother feels. In a strange way, I want to mother her like I always have and tell her that life is going to be okay. I wish she and I could have some sort of relationship. But deep down I know the hard truth that I cannot put myself or my family through more pain. Lots of sadness these days. I understand what you are going through.

[PaGuy]

Thank you for your post, Lunchie.  I know I read it before, but reading your post helped me start to realize that I really don't miss my mother, but I do miss what I wish she would be like.  Thanks!

I have been NC with my uBPDm for about 2.5 years.  Fortunately for me, she never tried to contact me around the holidays too much more than normal.  She might send a card, e-mail, or a phone call, but not to the same obnoxious level like she used to.

I remember reading - and I think it's true - that our society teaches us to love our mothers because they are loving and nurturing.  We, wanting to be good people, want to love our mothers.  However, society doesn't readily acknowledge abusive mothers.  Our situations don't fit well with society's preconceived ideas, so we are trapped between our own well being and being so-called "good people".

Like you, I was forced to choose between my mother and my marriage.  My marriage won, and I went complete NC with my mother.  At first, NC was necessary and I dealt with it logically.  Communication breaks down with her and we get screamed at - if not worse.  We needed to break off contact with her.  From there, life became much more peaceful and I have finally been able to start to emotionally process everything.

What helped me be at peace with NC is to realize that, yes, my mother was/is abusive and has been the entire time.  We wouldn't expect someone in a domestic violence situation to stick with their abuser, or even to want to have contact with them.  It is ok if the victim wants to, but it is not expected.  Why should a pwBPD be any different?  Why should I be expected to want contact with my mother when she abused me?  When her abusive behaviors stop and I can trust her more than I do now, I will reconsider contact with her and restoring the relationship, but not until then.

There are times I still wish I could have contact with my mother, but like you, I think what I really want is the good mother that I never had.

I hope we can help you with this and that you have a wonderful Christmas and New Year!

[Cordelia]

It's natural... .this relationship is so powerful.  Even knowing her behavior and knowing how little you actually want her in your life on an intellectual level, the pre-rational, emotional part, just wants - needs - to love and be loved unconditionally.  It is hard for me too to come to terms with this part of myself.  I've grown angry with it, because its insecurity and need for love has led me into danger over and over again.  It's helped to forgive this part of myself for being what it is - a helpless child who just needs love and protection - and try to give that to it.  To reassure it that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to feel this loss even though it doesn't make sense and that no matter what happens, I (the grown-up, rational part of me) will be there to take care of it. 

Do something kind for yourself - curl up in a warm blanket with a cup of cocoa and just let yourself be sad as long as you need to.  Sadness doesn't last forever.  You can dwell in the memories and missed opportunities and how you hoped it would be as long as you need to, then sip your cocoa and start to feel better, then maybe call a friend or watch a movie and you will have given yourself the space you need to be sad to be without your mom this time of year.  It's not so bad - it won't destroy you or ruin your holiday, and it's not a failing.  Just a part of you that needs a little extra attention right now. 

Wishing you lots of light this holiday season... .

[lunchie]

   Thank you all for my warm and considerate comments. I agree, I need to nourish myself and find the comfort my soul requires elsewhere, and that's *ok*-even if it seems odd or unusual by those who don't have a BPD parent.

   UBPD Mom did try and pull me back in just before Christmas by attempting to send me some books and slippers(even though she seriously needs to spend that money on her current physical requirements). But ironically, the package got damaged in transit, and was returned to her. It was almost as if something prevented me from even having it!

   My husband was getting occasional emails from uBPDm about what was being sent, so that's how I knew it was on it's way.

   But he is writing back to encourage her to keep the stuff with her and not resend. I hope she listens to him.

   Nonetheless, I expect positive things, and lots of healing for the new year.

   Feeling better again, thank you all for sharing your insights. 

[WiseMind]

I was watching a movie, "The Family Stone". There was a scene where the aging sick mom was taking a nap, and her daughter came and laid down beside her and wrapped her in a hug. I broke into tears and so badly wished I could hug my own mom. I know how heartbroken and abandoned my mother feels. In a strange way, I want to mother her like I always have and tell her that life is going to be okay. I wish she and I could have some sort of relationship. But deep down I know the hard truth that I cannot put myself or my family through more pain. Lots of sadness these days. I understand what you are going through.

I had the EXACT reaction when I too saw this movie over the holiday season. I wanted Diane Keaton to be my mom when I watched that. I know how you feel.  :'(

[mfhrh]

Lunchie-

I SOSOSOSO get it. I went NC with my BPD mom for about six months until my step-father died several years ago. This was after a long period of trying, over and over again, to change the way I related to her (without this kind of help, of course) and watching her act crazier and crazier. What shocked me, however, was not her behavior, but my feelings of hollowness and despondency - and mental obssession with her - when I (first) decreased frequency and (later) had no contact at all.

See, I had not realized until then that everything I did and said in our relationship was designed to assuage her/ make her happy so that I could feel emotionally safe. In a sense I was trying to manipulate her, or at least change her/ fix her/ make her less crazy. Of course I don't have that power. I could have told you that years ago - on a conceptual level. But I didn't see how my attempts to be a good daughter were actually attempts to change Mom by being good enough to keep her from acting out. I was as addicted to Mom as she was to me; we were both in that dance, because I needed her acceptance and approval to feel OK about me. That attachment thing.

I also think - at least in my situation - Mom has some wonderful traits. She's funny and artistic and very smart. When that part of Mom -NOT the fear-propelled BPD part - comes out, I can feel genuine love for her. And - as someone very wise said to me in an earlier post - it is normal to want to love and be loved by our mothers no matter how old we are. That want produces a longing that can be acute sometimes - like when I've taken a break, or when I go on with my life despite her antics.