Argh

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Been doing so well at low contact.  Gradually distancing myself! 

Tonight, out of the blue, I received a fairly nasty email message from her saying that she gives up with our friendship, and that one of our mutual friends on fb deleted her, so clearly I have been playing the victim and badmouthing her? (not true, our friends have just all seen that she left me heartbroken is all, and flaunting her new relationship all over facebook)

She went on to rant that I'm no innocent victim, and I played a huge part in our relationship ending (?) and that she is DONE, and that she always knew I'd be nasty and I have broken her trust in people.

Ummmmm?

I feel like I want to reply, to defend myself, but have refrained so far.

It's just unbelievable.  She really believes she's done nothing wrong and this was all my fault?

Ummmmm well all of our mutual friends see that she walked away from something amazing, met somebody else and is now engaged.  And that I've been left heartbroken.  And how much I loved her.

Seems like she needs to be angry with me for something - more than likely because she is supposed to be repaying me the money she owes me in a few weeks... .   hmmmm!

I'm done with the drama.

She has no right to shout at me over email, or be nasty.

I'm making the choice not to reply.

This is the first time I have ever done this... .  

Slightly worried - what can I expect next?

[mango_flower]

Been doing so well at low contact.  Gradually distancing myself! 

Tonight, out of the blue, I received a fairly nasty email message from her saying that she gives up with our friendship, and that one of our mutual friends on fb deleted her, so clearly I have been playing the victim and badmouthing her? (not true, our friends have just all seen that she left me heartbroken is all, and flaunting her new relationship all over facebook)

She went on to rant that I'm no innocent victim, and I played a huge part in our relationship ending (?) and that she is DONE, and that she always knew I'd be nasty and I have broken her trust in people.

Ummmmm?

I feel like I want to reply, to defend myself, but have refrained so far.

It's just unbelievable.  She really believes she's done nothing wrong and this was all my fault?

Ummmmm well all of our mutual friends see that she walked away from something amazing, met somebody else and is now engaged.  And that I've been left heartbroken.  And how much I loved her.

Seems like she needs to be angry with me for something - more than likely because she is supposed to be repaying me the money she owes me in a few weeks... .   hmmmm!

I'm done with the drama.

She has no right to shout at me over email, or be nasty.

I'm making the choice not to reply.

This is the first time I have ever done this... .  

Slightly worried - what can I expect next?

[blecker]

Been doing so well at low contact.  Gradually distancing myself! 

It's just unbelievable.  She really believes she's done nothing wrong and this was all my fault?

I'm making the choice not to reply.

Slightly worried - what can I expect next?

Yep, hand can't burn if it don't touch the stove. Keep going on the NC.

It's not a matter of right or wrong. It is a matter of her tangled and entangled feelings. She will rarely ever make any sense of them so she pushes buttons on yours. She will normally gets what she expects. It then can make sense.

Good choice in not replying if your consistent. If is is just a game of wills then it will only get nastier.

You can expect her to keep trying to push your buttons until you shut off.

[Seb]

Mango, this sudden change in behaviour towards angry and accusatory happened to me too - and it's maddening and upsetting and totally unfair.

Ignore it.

She is showing you who she is by her behaviour. All this, it has nothing to do with you - you know the drill. Delete the message, don't read it again, and definitely don't respond. You've got to stop hitting the ball back over the net. Take back the control.

You know you're a kind and loving person, and you know what you have and haven't done/said. Let her get wound up, she can think what she wants. It really is none of your concern what she thinks.

I experienced this sudden change - and even though you really feel like defending yourself, it really is best to ignore it, and ignore her. She has made her choice, so let her stand by it.

Keep thinking positively - you're on the right track - onwards and upwards for you, and for all of us 

[mango_flower]

Thank you both 

Yes, it's the BPD talking - I know this.  She always was paranoid!  I'm ignoring it.  Feels quite good actually - I've never ignored her before.  She hates being ignored though, so I'm prepared for her to step it up a notch... .   either that or she'll wait a week and then email and ask "hi,  how are you?" as if nothing happened... .   but she'll still be stewing inside.  She does that a lot. But I do feel that this time, I'm going to get hit with a lot more nastiness.

She's sick at the moment, so I don't have to worry she'll travel down here and try to punch me in the face... .  

And I get my key to my new house on Weds so can start living there - will just pop back to tidy and clean etc.  I have a new phone number which she doesn't have, so the only way she can get hold of me is to email... .   and I just shan't respond.

I hope her new gf is seeing the angry/crazy/bitter, but I have no doubt that she's probably egging her on, calming her down and agreeing how awful I sound... .   oh well!

[seeking balance]

Yes, it's the BPD talking - I know this.  She always was paranoid!  I'm ignoring it.  Feels quite good actually - I've never ignored her before.  She hates being ignored though, so I'm prepared for her to step it up a notch... .   either that or she'll wait a week and then email and ask "hi,  how are you?" as if nothing happened... .   but she'll still be stewing inside.  She does that a lot. But I do feel that this time, I'm going to get hit with a lot more nastiness.

Tools from the staying board would suggest not to make things worse when communicating with a pwBPD who is triggered.  How can you depersonalize this?  Can you see that her conclusion is not irrational?  How would you use SET if you did feel the need to respond?

I hope her new gf is seeing the angry/crazy/bitter, but I have no doubt that she's probably egging her on, calming her down and agreeing how awful I sound... .   oh well!

why?

exactly what is "so crazy" about her assumption?

[mango_flower]

I'm sorry I'm being thick but it's late and I'm tired... .  

"Can you see that her conclusion is not irrational?"  I didn't quite get this - I can see that her conclusion COULD be rational logic - it's just not true.

I'll look up SET - but would the tools suggest I DON'T respond? (that's what I understand from reading between the lines in your post)

Re: Her crazy assumption - it's only crazy if you know me    I just don't have that nastiness in me and she knows that.  So I guess it feels like a crazy assumption to me.  But also I suppose it's not the assumption that is crazy, but the way she dealt with it, by flinging back nastiness at me and saying how I was to blame for our relationship breaking down... .   I may not be perfect but every one of our friends can see how much I loved her and how much I tried.  So it feels like her thoughts are crazy - but maybe that's just because I know it's not true 

[seeking balance]

Well, if you are committed to the limited contact thing, then I suggest you learn the tools from the staying board on how to handle pwBPD that are triggered.

Why would you respond or not - it honestly depends on what you are trying to do here.  From what I recall, you were trying to play nice until you were paid back.  I have not seen any indication of a payment plan (I may have missed it since I have not read all of your posts, sorry if this is the case).

If you don't care about any relationship, ignore it.

SET = sympathy, empathy, truth - it is a cornerstone for communication.

Sorry, from your response - why again does it matter if her new gf thinks she is crazy or not?

[mango_flower]

Hi again Seekingbalance -

Payment plan was set up starting end of April as she's just finished her first month of her new job.  I feel that I'm being emotionally blackmailed a little into having to stay "nice".

I've got to the point now where I'm going to have to accept that my sanity is worth more than getting my money back... .   if she makes that choice of not paying me as she is angry, then so be it.  She can have it on her conscience.  

With regards to why the new gf sees her craziness - actually, I guess you're right.  It doesn't matter.  I think it's just the "wronged" part of me talking - I feel like if her new gf saw it, then she'd realise that probably half of what my ex has said about me (that's just my gut instinct) isn't true.  I don't like having enemies, even from afar and even who I've never met! But yes, you're right.  It shouldn't affect my life - I should be focusing on me!   Thank you for pointing that out (well, getting me to think about it and draw the conclusion myself!)

Edited to change your name to Seekingbalance!  I told you my brain was fried, sorry! 

[seeking balance]

Hi again Seekingbalance -

Payment plan was set up starting end of April as she's just finished her first month of her new job.  I feel that I'm being emotionally blackmailed a little into having to stay "nice".

I've got to the point now where I'm going to have to accept that my sanity is worth more than getting my money back... .   if she makes that choice of not paying me as she is angry, then so be it.  She can have it on her conscience.  

At some point we get to realize we have control over our own lives.  Right now, your ex still is renting space in your mind and effecting your emotions.  On the flip side, she is mentally ill... .   so, if you are going to stay in communication with her - the staying board will give you great tools on communication and boundaries.

If you are really done - don't respond - pretty simple.

With regards to why the new gf sees her craziness - actually, I guess you're right.  It doesn't matter.  I think it's just the "wronged" part of me talking - I feel like if her new gf saw it, then she'd realise that probably half of what my ex has said about me (that's just my gut instinct) isn't true.  I don't like having enemies, even from afar and even who I've never met! But yes, you're right.  It shouldn't affect my life - I should be focusing on me!   Thank you for pointing that out (well, getting me to think about it and draw the conclusion myself!)

Edited to change your name to Seekingbalance!  I told you my brain was fried, sorry! 

you know, I went through a phase where I blamed the new one too - at some point though, we must accept it was our ex that did this... .   the anger (grief) really goes towards her.

hang in there!

[jaird]

Yes, it's the BPD talking. Trying to engage you for some reason, probably to heap scorn on you and make you see what you're "missing out" on.

Ignoring them is best, otherwise it's the same circuitous conversation about past slights and unwarranted feelings and it goes nowhere. My ex has a mind that's like stuck on a track/groove when it comes to me. Facts don't matter, as we all know. It's all about their feelings. Sigh, LOL

[elessar]

hey mango... .  

been missing your posts recently. i do like hearing your thoughts a lot. i was wondering where did u go. haha

anyway being serious, do not reply. let her calm down. your reply will give her power and more control. and it will probably extend it. just ignore it and she will herself come to her senses. i am sure you have experienced that before. just don't engage her abusive behavior.

[causticdork]

Hi Mango.  Wow, your situation is so similar to mine it makes my head spin a bit.  Same random anger, same money situation (I supported her for over a year and she swears she'll start paying me back, but I doubt it'll ever happen) and the same accusations that I'm being nasty and cruel. 

Has yours gone the route of suicide threats?  That's where I'm stuck.  I can do NC, but she is staying with her mom since I told her she had to move out of my house and when she told me she was going to end her life I contacted her mother to please get her some help.  Her mom ignored it completely (not surprising, she's non-confrontational and an enabler) and I have stayed in contact since then out of fear.  I got a pretty irrational bunch of texts from her last night about what a terrible person I was, and I'm ready to go back to NC again. 

Please keep us updated on how not responding at all works out.  I figure we're probably on the same crazy cycle with our exes.  Maybe we can warn each other of what's coming next.

[syz]

my best friend deleted his account and so my exuBPD could no longer see his comments beneath one of my pictures. which tells me she was looking at my pictures.  And she went SIDEWAYS.  I must have been saying bad stuff about her etc etc for him to totally block her.  I said what are you talking about? and then realized Oh he had deleted his entire profile.  I loved being able to tell her he had deleted his account not her and that she was overreacting and imagining things that just weren't true and besides who cares anyway?  She had never met him.  At this point I love REALITY checks more than I have empathy for her spiraling and subsequent accusations. 

Stay no contact.  It's better for you and if it does bother them it's the only bloody satisfaction you are ever going to get.  If I were her fiance I'd be freaking out at the strong emotion surrounding you.  But people are very stupid.  They assume anger means they are over it... . hardly.  Indifference is what you want in a fiance towards their ex.