Alcoholism & BPD

[mtmc01]

Has anyone else here had a BPD ex who was also an alcoholic? I know that alcoholism, substance abuse, and eating disorders are common with BPD. My ex also had an eating disorder in her past, and I suspect that also wasn't as resolved as she claimed.

With the alcoholism, I didn't really first notice it until about 4-5 months together. Once I got to know her (or maybe I should say the "her" she was with me), I realized that she was drinking two large glasses of wine every night at least and would slur her speech, walk off balance, and have very glazed over eyes. Then when I thought back on it, she always regularly "fell asleep" (passed out) around 8 pm. She always told me she was just a morning person. She would regularly wet the bed. She told me she just had a bladder issue. I'd have a very hard time awakening her if she passed out on the couch and would have to carry her to bed. Sometimes she'd wake up in a rage or very confused and not making any sense (drunk). She'd even try to get me to hit her at times. She also was affected by alcohol more than anyone I've ever seen. You could see the change just from one drink.

When I gently approached the issue of drinking, I first just showed her some guidelines online for what was considered a "healthy" amount to drink per week. She said ok, no problem, I didn't realize. This failed miserably. From that point on, the more I'd mention anything about drinking, the more she seemed to drink more. "I can't do all or nothing", she'd say. It got to the point where she said she'd just have a sip of my drinks. That's when she started sneaking the alcohol. I asked her if she could just not drink for a few weeks to prove she didn't have a problem. This also failed miserably. For months and months, I'd be terrified she'd come home drunk. She would always lie about it and say she hadn't been drinking, even if I could smell it on her breath. She later told me she would go into the Asian market, grab a bottle of liquor, drink it in the bathroom, and leave. Her mother got involved when I told her about the problem. She eventually tried to blame it on me. It got so bad that I had to go home by myself for Thanksgiving. She freaked out and thought I was leaving her, even though I made it clear I wasn't.

I tried setting boundaries. I told her she should go stay at her mom's for a little while. She also took this as me leaving her and would not do it. I tried saying I just didn't want to be around her if she'd been drinking. But, the lies continued, and it spiralled more and more out of control. Finally, when she flew out to the Midwest with me for Christmas, I discovered when she got hammered the first night with my family that she had packed a suitcase full of wine disguised in Gatorade bottles. I said she should fly home and I didn't know if I could do this anymore. She freaked out, snuck out in the freezing cold, and my dad and I had to go search for her for over an hour to find her. Then, she took her entire bottle of Celexa and we had to take her to the ER. She flew home the next day, alone. She said she'd die without me, that she couldn't live without me. Her mother said we were bonded and needed each other. A few days later, I told her I wanted to give things a chance, but we should take it slow. We were engaged to be married in May, and I said maybe we should push back the wedding. This was unacceptable to her, and I might as well have been abandoning her. I talked her into not living in the house right away, so she stayed in an extended stay for a month, and things were going ok. She was going to AA every day. Then she begged to move back in, and I allowed it even though I wasn't ready. I acted differently, didn't treat her as well as I should have at all. I did repeatedly explain to her that I was getting back to feeling how I did before, but after everything it would take time. No matter what I did wrong, I was at least always honest with her. Probably to a fault.

This does not cover the other aspects of the relationship, such as what I was doing wrong and my codependency and control issues. She eventually left due to "finding God", and we were no longer compatible in her mind. I just feel like her alcoholism really was the catalyst for my wrongdoings in the relationship and brought about the worst parts of me that I didn't even know were there.

[nolisan]

I feel that alcohol or drug use/addiction is often a way for people to self medicate their underlying mental illness.

But man booze on top of BPD ... .   yikes!

And it sounds like she qualifies for the club

[daze]

mtmc ---

Has anyone else here had a BPD ex who was also an alcoholic?

Yes!  My uBPDh is an alcoholic.  He hid it until we married and drank only on weekend nights and then after we married it was very obvious.  Drinks every day and starts in the morning on weekends.  I took an online drinking test for him (can you say codependent) and he drinks more than 94% of the men in the U.S.  I shared this with him and it didn't not seem to bother him.

We are separated now but still see each other.  I post on the Undecided board.

I just feel like her alcoholism really was the catalyst for my wrongdoings in the relationship and brought about the worst parts of me that I didn't even know were there.

For me, I don't know if its the BPD or alcohol or a combination but it definitely brought out the worst in me.  I definitely relate to your statement.

Daze

[Wooddragon]

yes mine was a very heavy drinker and i often used to drink with him - but not to the same degree.  looking back on people i have known in my life, i think i recognise BPD traits in 2 female friends that i used to have and they were both full blown alcoholics.  in the case of my ex, i think he was clearly self medicating.  he was surrounded by enabling friends as well (and i should include myself in this group) - to the extent that they actually had a drinking club (under the guise of tasting and critiquing premium scotch whisky) so he could always justify his addiction

[RedCandle]

My ex was an alcoholic and exhibited every symptom of BPD (I don't know if he was ever officially diagnosed... .   )

It was "normal" for him to drink 20 beers in a day. Sometimes 20 beers in an hour or two if he was mad.

Ironically... .   I NEVER drink. And never will.

When he hit rock bottom and joined AA he flat out told me that it was his way to cope with the world... .  

I learned in Al Anon that people stop emotionally maturing at the age they start drinking heavily since they use booze to ease all their problems and never develop basic coping skills.

So when we were together... .   I not only had someone dealing with BPD... .   I had someone that was the emotional equivalent of an 18 year old... .   oh, and he was plastered.

Its a lot

:-(

[mssngpeces]

mtmc,

I can relate to your situation quite a bit. My exBPDgf was a raging alcoholic that I met in the midst of her disease and formed an instant bond in fashioning myself to be the rescuer. It fulfilled emotional needs in us both and I realize now how unhealthy it was. At first I only saw the alcohol as the problem. Spending years trying to get her to stop and always looking at the substance and other guys that encouraged drinking as the culprits. I neglected to see that the alcoholism was merely a symptom of much deeper problems. A coping mechanism to deal with childhood abuse, institutionalization, abandonment, rape, and the list goes on. I was able to have a year or 2 where she was mostly sober. Maybe a relapse here and there. Idealizing me as the healthy person in her life in terms of drinking. Then I would get calls from random men late at night and find out stories that she had become "friends" with them. "Friends" always meant she was sleeping with them and using them for something. This was until one "friend" actually became her next victim. Was just like me in the sense that he was the new savior and I was now the villain who wanted her "sick". She told him everything about me. Even minor details. I can only imagine the horrible conversations she had about how awful a person I was. I am guilty of some bad things that the crazy making BPD can create yet I spent years of my life helping this person and giving her everything I had mentally, emotionally, financially... .   everything... .   and now it was that I wanted her sick according to her. She also tried the church thing for a while. She tried many things for a while. They never stuck. I realize now that I was a part of this dance and there is power in knowing that. There is power in not playing the game.

[Clearmind]

Alcohol is a maladaptive way of coping with life's stresses rather than face them - not your fault.

Living with someone who drinks is tough - I know all too well - I grew up in a household with an alcholic parent.

"This does not cover the other aspects of the relationship, such as what I was doing wrong and my codependency and control issues" - mtmc01, we cannot save an alcholic from themselves - they need to hit rock bottom to seek out help for themselves. Often when pushed they fail.

If you were to encounter the same situation in another relationship what would you do differently?

[mtmc01]

I do think the "Christmas incident" was her rock bottom. But, the rapid transition into extreme Christianity was very off the reservation. She used to be more religious at some point in her life, but it was never something she had talked about much. I guess only a BPD could fluctuate from agnostic to extremely devout Christian spouting nothing but bible verses several times like that. She just seemed to think that the only thing that "saved" her was God/Jesus. So then she jumped ship to a Christian guy from her church group and started mirroring him.

If I were to encounter many of the same red flags, including alcoholism, I would hope that I would have the ability to end the relationship before getting too invested. I'd like to think I'd pick up on the subtleties of alcoholism a lot quicker now, and I will certainly have my guard up about it. If someone seems to need to drink every day, then that's enough for me to say adios. If I did somehow get sucked in, I'd hope I'd be less codependent and better at setting boundaries and sticking with them, no matter how tough it might be.

[mtmc01]

In the end, I just felt like it was a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. If I kept enabling her and allowing her to think I'd stick around throughout the drinking, she'd have never stopped. But, by temporarily leaving and thinking things over, she took this as "abandonment" and that I'd inevitably leave her. I couldn't win. I had been doing a lot of reading on alcoholism from the perspectives of their partners, and I realized that they did need to hit rock bottom... .   and that often this only happened when their partner left them. The difference is, they weren't dealing with a BPD partner.

[Clearmind]

Its possible it was not her rock bottom. Denial is fairly rife.

Her lack of self could certainly play a role in finding a diety of any description. Vulnerable folks tend to gravitate towards the extreme end of the beliefs.

If I were to encounter many of the same red flags, including alcoholism, I would hope that I would have the ability to end the relationship before getting too invested. I'd like to think I'd pick up on the subtleties of alcoholism a lot quicker now, and I will certainly have my guard up about it. If someone seems to need to drink every day, then that's enough for me to say adios. If I did somehow get sucked in, I'd hope I'd be less codependent and better at setting boundaries and sticking with them, no matter how tough it might be.

Good for you and awesome stuff! Look at someone’s actions not their words.

Its amazing how we ourselves grow through these relationships - what we thought were not deal breakers before are now clearly deal breakers.

In the end, I just felt like it was a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. If I kept enabling her and allowing her to think I'd stick around throughout the drinking, she'd have never stopped. But, by temporarily leaving and thinking things over, she took this as "abandonment" and that I'd inevitably leave her. I couldn't win. I had been doing a lot of reading on alcoholism from the perspectives of their partners, and I realized that they did need to hit rock bottom... .   and that often this only happened when their partner left them. The difference is, they weren't dealing with a BPD partner.

We cannot have a healthy relationship with an addict of any kind. We believe we can change them - however all we can change is ourselves .