learn from the past, forgive, forget, and move on...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

... .   is what she says! i hate it when she says that. i absolutely hate it. it is a true statement, but does it apply to us? when she says that i always pray and hope that she is talking about moving on from her emotionally, verbally, physically abusive family. but no, it is always about me/us. i dont even know what she has to learn or forgive about "us.

and when she says that, she tries to project me as the immature one. who cannot forgive and forget.

all her problems originate from her childhood sexual abuse from her uncles and the emotional abuse from her parents. but "learning from the past" has always been about defending them and "learning" about "why we didn't work out".

yet everyday i keep hoping that maybe one day she will truly learn from the past and see that it is her parents, not me.

why do they defend their abusers so much? arghhh.

i know why... .   they are parents, and that behavior is the only thing they have known all their lives. ugh, it makes me sick i am that past she is has to learn about, and not mommy-daddy.

[elessar]

... .   is what she says! i hate it when she says that. i absolutely hate it. it is a true statement, but does it apply to us? when she says that i always pray and hope that she is talking about moving on from her emotionally, verbally, physically abusive family. but no, it is always about me/us. i dont even know what she has to learn or forgive about "us.

and when she says that, she tries to project me as the immature one. who cannot forgive and forget.

all her problems originate from her childhood sexual abuse from her uncles and the emotional abuse from her parents. but "learning from the past" has always been about defending them and "learning" about "why we didn't work out".

yet everyday i keep hoping that maybe one day she will truly learn from the past and see that it is her parents, not me.

why do they defend their abusers so much? arghhh.

i know why... .   they are parents, and that behavior is the only thing they have known all their lives. ugh, it makes me sick i am that past she is has to learn about, and not mommy-daddy.

[Louise7777]

hey elessar!

I may not comment directly on your situation, but Id like to mention the abuse she suffered from her family. My question is: are you sure thats acurate? Dont forget they exagerate/ lie/ create drama to be the victims and never take responsability on anything. Also, that serves them to justify all the nasty behaviour of a lifetime: "Oh, I was abused as a child!". Thats a serious thing and shouldnt be taken lightly, but from my experience, I have seen lots of lies regarding childhood/ family members.

If I can suggest anything, it would be to protect yourself and your family. Im sure they suffered a lot during the process also.

[elessar]

That has come to my mind a lot, but it is real. She had opened up to me in 2006, before we started dating. Once she opened it up to her mother in 2011, all secrets came out. Those uncles had also abused her sister. They had even "tried" to rape her mother. Thats what her mother told her, or what she told me. But those men always lived in the same house. The girls slept with them. Her mother was forbidden to tell about herself because of their "honor" system. So they never knew about my ex and her sister's abuse till 2011... .   15 yrs after it had ended.

As for the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse, I am going by her words. Some of those things I do doubt. Especially the verbal abuse part. But I am 100% sure of the emotional abuse. I mean her family members have threatened to kill both of us if we got married. They have always told her that they will kick her out if she doesn't leave me. So she's living in the fear of abandonment from mommy-daddy. But her push-pull for me began before that. That is why I was always confused, was it BPD or was it cultural. But after past 2 yrs, I know it is BPD... .   along with the cultural nonsense. She has to deal with two huge issues. Feel so bad for her.

Even her closest friends from her culture tell her to leave home. But she just wouldn't leave home. Because then "they will not talk to me". I have told her so many times, why don't you call your dad's bluff. If he truly cuts you off, then did he ever love you? if not, then maybe he is bluffing because he has always been controlling.

as for her physical abuse, she has mentioned it to me only once about her dad hitting her for dating me. i know it is true because she keeps these secrets and tells them only once in a blue moon. and those are usually true. all the verbal abuses i am less sure about because she accuses me of telling her things that I never did either.

Thanks for the reply cristina

[elessar]

One thing I do agree, she exaggerates. She split her family black when she came back 2.5 yrs back. I was the savior, the hero. I believed her. When she then split them white and split me black, it hit me hard. and she has since confessed that she exaggerates things too. so i take a lot of things with a grain of salt. but i have seen and heard enough about emotional and sexual abuse.

[NiceGuy83]

elessar, have any of her accusations been confirmed by anyone else in the family, directly to you?  Or is this all from her mouth only?

My first gfwBPD told me stories of how she had been abused as a teenager, and how her family had not just helped cover it up, but had stayed friends with the abuser.  I took her at face value.  Afterwards, I questioned whether this had actually happened. No-one else had spoken of it, and she only brought it up when looking to ellicit sympathy, usually if feeling neglected. 

My second gfwBPD told me about all sorts of physical abuse in her 20s, and I was the 'best boyfriend' because I would never 'hurt her'.  All the others had been severely bad in some way, or neglected her, etc etc.  I daresay she will portray me in a similar light to her next victim, and not a word of all the times she said 'What did I ever do to deserve someone so wonderful and perfect as you'. 

There may well be a valid history of abuse, but even if so, why did your ex tell you about it do you think?

[elessar]

her family never talks to me. but the couple of times I spoke to her dad, he said that I am exploiting her childhood abuse for some ulterior motive (no idea what ulterior motive i have). her childhood sexual abuse checks out. its too big and she told me when she was worshiping her family back in college days. that time we weren't dating and she had no reason to tell it to me except that carrying the secret was killing her.

her dad hitting her... .   i have no way to confirm. her mom calling her a whore and other names, no way to confirm. but the emotional abuse is pretty obvious. her closest female friends see it too.

from what i know of her now in the dozen years i have known her and in the few yrs of her BPD symptoms, she makes up stories about who said what a lot of times. and she exaggerates a lot of things too. i might tell her u r dating so many guys. she will say i called her a whore. she does things like that. but things that actually happen, she doesn't lie about it. more so she actually defends them. she has never once said her family is emotionally abusive. heck, she split me black in January because I reminded it to her how her family's behavior all points to emotional abuse. its like she is talking to herself when she tells me "why do my parents do this. why do my parents treat me this way. why do they not see my pain" etc etc. then she starts defending them about how they truly love her and only want her happiness.

i have zero doubt about the emotional abuse and threats and blackmail.

[Louise7777]

Elessar, from the distance and not knowing u or her, I still doubt abt the abuse. From what I understood, theres no evidence or mention to it apart from what SHE says. Sorry, but Im very suspitious abt her claims.

"Why would she lie?" Well, why people lie? Im not even talking abt BPDs, but people  in general: to get attention, to be the center of attention, to play victim, to get something out of it, to justify bad behaviour and many more... .  

Its understandable that being in this relationship for so long you lost track of how a healthy relationship should be. Id suggest take a step back and try to get out of all her drama for a while. You are way too caught up in the situation. I feel (and I may be completelly wrong!) that you forgot abt urself and ur family and ur focus in life is her and her well-being. Lesson number one I got from this website: protect yourself and focus on yourself.

Take care. 

[elessar]

thanks! this phone call two days has reminded me how enmeshmed i am. but maybe for the first time ever, i am no longer defending her. for the first time since knowing her since 2000, i don't feel respect for her. so maybe the phone call which she made to her best friend (me) and which technically was a very good conversation, it has helped me to at least acknowledge that i do not want her the way she is.

[sunrising]

I'm pretty sure studies show that many BPD sufferers were, in fact, victims of childhood abuse.

Here's the question though: What does the presence or lack of abuse in your ex's childhood do to affect the reality of the situation now?  Your ex's traits are theirs, with or without childhood abuse, and you can't fix them, with or without childhood abuse.

If it could be proven beyond doubt that your ex was or wasn't abused as a child, how would this affect your feelings about what's right for you?  

[elessar]

Absolutely sunrising,

it doesnt matter if everything is a lie. it doesn't matter if she becomes mother teresa tomorrow. i will still have to look at her behavior towards me. and i wont lie, a lot of times no one has treated me better. but the bad has been hellish too.

thats what i have been telling myself since i joined these boards. and have accepted that. what matters is how she treats me. for years i pined for her. now i dont. i tried to fix her. now i dont. i still make myself available if she wants to talk to a friend, but besides that i think i have come a long way in accepting.