Finally Had the Strength to Remove Him from Skype & email but... need advice.

[Surrender]

I finally had the strength to remove my ex-UBPD from skype and block him from my emails. It took me a couple of weeks to get the strength to do that. I saw however that he did not remove me himself. Maybe in his mind he wanted the best of both world's. To keep me hanging for a time he needs a fix of me when he isn't living his new old life. When he broke up with me out of the blue he said he was relieved and already made plans to re-connect with his old girl-friends and re-new his old life that he had not done in 2 years while he was with me. The whole thing is painful. On his break-up call he said he didn't want to lose me as his best friend and family in the world. That I should just accept him moving on because he couldn't be with me anymore. I gave him too many reasons to never trust me like the time I hugged and kissed his friend (Europeans always hug and kiss).

It's been more than two weeks and he has not reached out to me whereas we spent two solid years being in contact and stuck like glue every day. Even through the break ups he would always call me back. This time however is the real deal, he is gone and seems to have effectively carved me out of his life and heart. The hard thing about this is that he was my only real best friend in the world. We shared everything together including every single hobby and time pass of researching and truth seeking. It was hard to let that part go and to be honest I couldn't see myself going back to that after planning to marry this man. No matter how hard I try I think it would just hurt old wounds to try and keep a vestige of what we had when underneath of it all I was utterly betrayed and now question if any of it was true. Then there are all the cruel rages and terrible accusations that I always felt I had to survive. He hurt me more than anyone in my life and eroded any trust I could have in him.

I believe this 'friendship' is just a further illusion and all it will do is hurt me more in the long run. Maybe he can forget how much he 'loved' me but I know I can't. So I decided to be the one and cut communication completely. I think I'm right but of course there is a part of me that is questioning as though I still want a reason to hang on. The logical part of me says that even if I kept him as my friend there has been too much betrayal and hurt. That in the end he too will leave my friendship and I will only prolong more agony but the end will always be the same.

The only avenue he has left is to call me but I know I will not answer the phone because I will only cry and lose what progress I have made. I have thought of blocking his number from my phone just to solidify it but I would need to be really strong to do that and at this point I think I did well with the skype and email blocks.

I am just looking for people who have been here and can offer advice. Am I doing the only thing that makes sense here? Am I doing the best thing I could do considering everything? We don't always think straight when we are at the beginning stages and shock of losing the thing/person you loved the most in life. It is hard contending with the fact that I may never again meet anyone that I was so aligned with and had some of the qualities that I Love but found in no one else.

The realization of all these things in light of losing him is tough to stomach. There is no doubt that the closer he got to me the more punitive he was and the more frequent were his rages of black and white thinking, jealousies, control and twisted thinking. It was apparent that he was grinding me down slowly into a scared silhouette. I know and knew before he left me that I had to get away. I don't doubt that. In the end what was true was that nothing he said was real or true. Maybe true in the moment but he could never sustain it for his sabotaging ways. His words were empty and I was just two weeks away from leaving everything behind and moving with him only to receive the biggest shock of all out of the blue. The week prior we were making life long plans with him picking the little chapel he wanted us to be married in. One week later I was on the phone with a stranger who was excited about his new adventures with his exes and re-connecting socially. I looked around my place seeing boxes and separated piles of things to get rid of in utter shock.

Even then when I look back I know I was conflicted and in denial. I was telling myself all the typical justifications for all the many twisted 'red flags' and abuses I was subjected to. Love truly does blind us and that is more terrifying to me now then before.

I guess what I am unsure of is am I deluding myself to think that I could be his friend? We were best friends for 2 years prior to our becoming a couple and had a beautiful friendship (hence why it was so easy to fall in love with him). Somehow my heart says it will just make it harder for me to embrace my own life the way I should. I feel like if I maintain a friendship I will be the loser in this all again and again and again, setting myself constantly back.

Am I thinking clearly enough because in this state it is hard to tell. My instinct is just to walk away and never talk to him again no matter how close we were (even though we were closer than any two people I have ever known and certainly closer than anything I could have ever thought possible)?  We really felt like we were One together and that is what utterly confuses me. Now I'm wondering if that was also just a part of the illusion?  With all this confusion I'm just wondering if we can actually return to a place where we can be best friends like before or was that also possibly not real? Trying to understand this so that I don't step into another landmine. I ultimately need to do the thing that is the best for me and my life without falling into more emotional traps where I continue to be used.

[elessar]

My dear Elemtia,

That is a truly sad story. But common for most of us. I could have written most of the exact things. you are at least doing better than I am. i have never been able to remove her from anything (deleted her accidentally on FB when I blocked her after she went out on a date the day after our fight). so you have come much farther ahead than me at least. don't be surprised if he reaches out to you though. the first time my ex broke up in 2006, she reached out after 3 months to say bye again, a month later to meet up for final bye, and 5 months later to tell me to delete her photos. then she contacted me about 3 yrs 8 months later asking me how am i doing. after that in all break ups it was from days to 2 weeks before we would talk. this time around, she did not talk for 6 weeks. therefore, two weeks is still too soon to tell if he will never reach out.

can we be friends? i don't know. i am not the best one to advise but i am in your shoes. trying to be her friend. but it is killing me because she is meeting/talking to guys every day trying to get married. and even the friendship is all based on her needs. and yes, we were best friends too.

the most practical solution would be to just walk away and not look back. but it is nearly impossible to do. we are so enmeshed in them, we keep hoping that maybe next time they "will see, realize, and change". and every single time they end up hurting us. it can take weeks to only a few mins.

if he is BPD, then they cannot be healthy friends. yet so many of us try to remain their friends, me included. i feel you will always have feelings for him, and he knows he can come back to you whenever he has needs that has to be fulfilled. it is such a one-sided relationship with them. i don't wish them bad. BPDs are truly hurting. they are ill. but we are hurting too. they don't realize that.

[Surrender]

My dear Elemtia,

That is a truly sad story. But common for most of us. I could have written most of the exact things. you are at least doing better than I am. i have never been able to remove her from anything (deleted her accidentally on FB when I blocked her after she went out on a date the day after our fight). so you have come much farther ahead than me at least. don't be surprised if he reaches out to you though. the first time my ex broke up in 2006, she reached out after 3 months to say bye again, a month later to meet up for final bye, and 5 months later to tell me to delete her photos. then she contacted me about 3 yrs 8 months later asking me how am i doing. after that in all break ups it was from days to 2 weeks before we would talk. this time around, she did not talk for 6 weeks. therefore, two weeks is still too soon to tell if he will never reach out.

can we be friends? i don't know. i am not the best one to advise but i am in your shoes. trying to be her friend. but it is killing me because she is meeting/talking to guys every day trying to get married. and even the friendship is all based on her needs. and yes, we were best friends too.

the most practical solution would be to just walk away and not look back. but it is nearly impossible to do. we are so enmeshed in them, we keep hoping that maybe next time they "will see, realize, and change". and every single time they end up hurting us. it can take weeks to only a few mins.

if he is BPD, then they cannot be healthy friends. yet so many of us try to remain their friends, me included. i feel you will always have feelings for him, and he knows he can come back to you whenever he has needs that has to be fulfilled. it is such a one-sided relationship with them. i don't wish them bad. BPDs are truly hurting. they are ill. but we are hurting too. they don't realize that.

Thank you for this Elessar because I truly needed to know the perspective of another and it is just as I feared and thought trapped inside a never ending agony. My heart bleeds for you because we are both in the same boat. I fear what you have described is how it would be for me as well and that was what I don't think I could bear. Living with a tortured hope and reliving the hurt, rejection and abandonment over and over again. It all is so tragic but I pray that one day we will be in a place where we will thank them to have let us go. I have to hang onto the hope that it's not all over because that is how it feels and just believe that something that is real and good lies in the horizon for me and all of us who suffer such losses.

[LuckyEscapee]

Elementia, I could have written all of that myself. The similarities to my own experience are striking! I had had enough, I was worn paper-thin. I was sick of the 24/7 on-call to crazy it brought.

Maybe in his mind he wanted the best of both world's. To keep me hanging for a time he needs a fix of me when he isn't living his new old life.

This was/is what my ex seems to want. I blocked him, changed my number etc etc, it was a complete joy to know he couldn't get to me with another raging 3page ranting email, or another 'having so much fun without you' text. I stopped needing to check my phone ever 5 mins, or jumping when I received an email beep.

It was like having a mental break. I put up a saying in every room "Life's too awesome to waste your time thinking about someone do doesn't treat you right". Then I got busy doing anything and everything to break my habit of instant contact, as previously were permanently in contact.

Eventually he manages to find a way to ignore my boundaries, but the important thing is it gave me time to heal and to get strong again. Fact is, I don't need a friend like him. Friendship is about truth, respect, appreciation and support.  He wants me to be part of his support crew, or worse, part of another triangle. 

If you can get out of contact and stay out of contact, chances are you will heal all the faster. Take care   and let us know how you are doing