why would I want my exBPD back in my life?

[Lost-love-mind]

After a long lonely weekend and relapsing back to the fact that I may have been at fault for the breakup with my ex BPD.
 oh, I started to think of her all day on Saturday. Yesterday was not a very good day for me at all but I managed to get out and contact some people. Unfortunately my day has been filled with lots of sleep and depression. All this after I thought I was getting much better since it's been three and a half months since The Break-Up over a two-month relationship.
Today I broke nc abdvsent her a text via a disguised number and an email the same way. Just seeking a friendship. Why?
I've read all the posts of dangers and pitfalls of even a friendship.
I need to go back and explore what is missing in my life to try to seek validation from a woman I fell in love with and then spurned me in my momentary lapse of selfish behavior. I'm starting to think the BPD is in me and she was the narcissist.
Help!

[JohnLove]

Hi beezleconduit, that sounds like the G in FOG talking.

Why you did that is understandable. You want her back in the idealisation stage as it feels so good. Unfortunately if she did not respond then she either has someone else she is focusing on, and the cold hard reality is these people arent looking for friends.

Do you feel she was a friend to you while you were in the relationship?

If you wish to go by strict definitions then I might suggest we are all a little BPD, but after being in a relationship with someone suffering this disorder it is very easy to pick up traits when trying to navigate the relationship... .in layman's terms they call it getting fleas.

Make no mistake. BPD has a very significant component of narcissism... .of at least 25% and usually more depending where the person suffering sits on the spectrum.

All the best in your healing. 

[Lost-love-mind]

Never heard it out like that before. Thx JohnLove.
Still I'm disappointed in myself
Ugh.
She was such an introvert, I doubt she would stay with anyone longer than a few weeks. Unless of course, she met the perfect man. Then , food for her.

[Lucky Jim]

After a long lonely weekend and relapsing back to the fact that I may have been at fault for the breakup with my ex BPD.

Hey beezle, Don't beat yourself up!  Those w/BPD often shift blame to the Non.  Did this happen to you?  If so, it may explain why you are blaming yourself for the b/u.

Today I broke nc abdvsent her a text via a disguised number and an email the same way. Just seeking a friendship. Why?

This sounds a little Fatal Attraction-esque and could be viewed as a type of stalking.  Suggest you decline to act on your impulses to get in touch in this manner, which is likely to be poorly received.

Three and a half months is a relatively short time to recover from a BPD r/s, so maybe you could cut yourself some slack.  I suggest just sitting with your feelings, without the need to act on them.  Just observe.  Maybe you can ponder why you got in a BPD r/s in the first place?

LuckyJim

[Lost-love-mind]

Lucky Jim.
Thanks for the support.
Yes, my exBPD blamed me for not being tuned into her needs over a massage she sexted about for 3 days prior.
That night she said was "im tired" and took that as a cue to leave (30 yrs of marriage to an ex that said I'm tired = "no".)
The exBPD claimed I was a narcissist that only was concerned with myself.
I tried to tell her my reasoning and that ended it.
All this via her only mode I'd communication = texting and emails.
She refused to pick up the phone or allow me to come over to discuss.
I still blame myself for not picking up her cues of being submissive, which many of my guy friends said I missed from the sexting and provacative pics she sent.

In regards to stalking, she accused me of that as well and blocked me on everything. However, she has not sent any notice to my boss as she did in the past when I broke her nc.

In regard to why a BPD r/s? Lots of therapy as directed me to 3 reasons:

1) attempt to validate myself as quickly as my exwife did by getting remarried within 2 yrs of our divorce.
2) left over seperation anxiety going back to my childhood; and
3) I am an average looking 57 yr old man who met a gorgeous 45 yr old blonde that was sexy and really fooled me during our love bombing stage. She somtimes wore pigtails and sent me songs of attraction and love. She Texted sexy emoticons, pics of herself and had macabre tattoos. Basicly, the high school type gf I never had in my teens due to me being the shy geeky guy with glasses.

I had no idea what BPD or narcissism even was until she dumped me and went nc.
Then she responded to my apology email in August by calling me a retarded POS and the only reason I still cared was because I was a pathetic loser with no life.

Yes, I still fantasize about the intimacy, even though we never reached the final plateau. I was anticipating that after the massage. Yikes. I missed the pitch right over the strike zone. So I'm told.

[In a bad way]

  I still blame myself for not picking up her cues of being submissive, which many of my guy friends said I missed from the sexting and provacative pics she sent.           

Don't blame yourself for that, mine was the same, talked a good sex life via text messages... hardly ever followed it through.
Basically lead me on during the day only to let me down at night.
I heard the "I'm tired" more times than I can remember, to the point when I picked her up from work and the first thing she said was " I'm tired".
What I learned was she really meant, "don't even think about it tonight".

[WildernessMan]

In regard to no sex with my BPD spouse... .She has told me numerous times she wasn't interested in having sex ever again. She has also told me that not having sex was an issue caused from deep within her, but she never elaborated on that. She also spoke about getting our sex life going again but never made an attempt to do so (sleeping on the couch for years on end didn't help).

Most recently, back in May 2017, we stopped by Walmart and got lube (KY Jelly I think) per her request. Several months prior to that trip she obtained a prescription for a vagina cream to reduce discomfort during sex - She never used it with us or even suggested it - Although, a few days after serving me with divorce papers, she said she had planned on getting our sex life going again with the cream.

Does any of this sound familiar with those of you living with a BPD mate?

Is this mixed message thing confusing for you or what? I couldn't figure it out.      

[Lost-love-mind]

Wilderness and "bad way". Both your stories make me start to understand.

Particularly "Bad way" - my ex wife of 30 yrs taught me that "im tired" = no.

However, my exBPD may have had issues with reaching new plateaus of intimacy. 4 weeks in to our r/s she said "I'm tired" and this was after my overtures of discussion of exclusivity. She broke it off for 2 days and then we recycled.

After 4 more weeks of reaching the next plateau, well... .Read my previous post.

I have read that BPD 's that have been sexually abused in their past (very likely with my exBPD) will terminate or disassociate the non before that level is reached out of fear.

I went real slow with intimacy with my exBPD and stated I was looking for a spiritual connection before reaching the final plateau. She either "mirrored" the "spiritual connection" and it fit her fear of intimacy, or just got tired of the game and didn't know how to verbalize and act on her sexual desire (she could text sex no problem - see above).

Either way, it's over and she may or may not have moved on. I
I'm glad I have no way of finding out based on other guys that torture themselves after finding out about the sex life of their exBPD.