Nine Months Later: What I've Learned

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Tomorrow marks nine months since my divorce was final.  I was married for 34 years, one week, and five days.  Ending my marriage was one of the best decisions of my life. 

I am far from being completely healed from the damage living with this man did to me.  However, I am doing well. I am still in therapy and just started Divorce Care for the third time.

I realize now that I could have stayed except for one thing--the gas lighting.  It was this one behavior that tipped the scales.

The first silent treatment happened three months after the wedding, the first rage about six months in. The gas lighting didn't begin until maybe the last ten years of the marriage.  It ramped up in the last five and was almost constant the last few months and even after he finally moved out. 

The constant negativity, refusal to ever be wrong, moodiness, rages, and jealousy of anything I did well were all things that got worse over time, but I could have worked around all that.  I did work around it for years.  I went on about my business and had a life of my own.  I didn't tie my own identity to him.  I had a crappy marriage but I was used to a crappy marriage. 

But the gas lighting... .

It nearly pushed me over the edge. 

Telling me he was speaking when he wasn't... .telling me one thing one day, denying he said it the next, denying that he denied it the next... .flying into a rage and then calmly tell me moments later that it never happened, that I imagined it... .pretending not to remember... .accusing me of concocting stories about him... .denying anything and everything that was actually happening and telling me that I was making it all up... .

I was not going to survive the gas lighting. Many people knew of his other behaviors because they witnessed it, but he was very careful to only do the gas lighting behind closed doors.  He never would have stopped it because it was working on me and he knew it.  He got pleasure from it.  It gave him power.

He never thought I would finally get my fill of him.  I will always be grateful to God for showing me what I had to do and lifting me out of my abusive marriage. 

[Verbena]

Tomorrow marks nine months since my divorce was final.  I was married for 34 years, one week, and five days.  Ending my marriage was one of the best decisions of my life. 

I am far from being completely healed from the damage living with this man did to me.  However, I am doing well. I am still in therapy and just started Divorce Care for the third time.

I realize now that I could have stayed except for one thing--the gas lighting.  It was this one behavior that tipped the scales.

The first silent treatment happened three months after the wedding, the first rage about six months in. The gas lighting didn't begin until maybe the last ten years of the marriage.  It ramped up in the last five and was almost constant the last few months and even after he finally moved out. 

The constant negativity, refusal to ever be wrong, moodiness, rages, and jealousy of anything I did well were all things that got worse over time, but I could have worked around all that.  I did work around it for years.  I went on about my business and had a life of my own.  I didn't tie my own identity to him.  I had a crappy marriage but I was used to a crappy marriage. 

But the gas lighting... .

It nearly pushed me over the edge. 

Telling me he was speaking when he wasn't... .telling me one thing one day, denying he said it the next, denying that he denied it the next... .flying into a rage and then calmly tell me moments later that it never happened, that I imagined it... .pretending not to remember... .accusing me of concocting stories about him... .denying anything and everything that was actually happening and telling me that I was making it all up... .

I was not going to survive the gas lighting. Many people knew of his other behaviors because they witnessed it, but he was very careful to only do the gas lighting behind closed doors.  He never would have stopped it because it was working on me and he knew it.  He got pleasure from it.  It gave him power.

He never thought I would finally get my fill of him.  I will always be grateful to God for showing me what I had to do and lifting me out of my abusive marriage. 

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you for sharing. Congratulations on your milestone! I know that your story will be very inspiring to those of us who are struggling to find our way in the early days of separation.

I'm not sure if my pwBPD was ever "gaslighting" on purpose, but I completely relate to the mental torture of wondering if you're going crazy because your reality is always so different from your partner's. It is horrible.

So grateful to hear your happy ending... .

[dealingwithit]

Proud of you for making that step! Did you leave him or make him leave? Just wondering 

[Verbena]

Proud of you for making that step! Did you leave him or make him leave? Just wondering 

I took out a loan to pay him for his half of the house (it was paid for) and he left. He then hired a lawyer claiming his name was on my loan which ruined his credit. He  had nothing to do with my loan other than he got the money from it. Because I was so used to questioning my reality, at first I actually thought I had done something wrong.

[formflier]

 
Verbena,

Thanks for checking in.     

It sounds like you are on the right track!

How did the lawyer thing end?

How have family events been, or otherwise seeing your husband?

FF

[Verbena]

Verbena,

Thanks for checking in.     

It sounds like you are on the right track!

How did the lawyer thing end?

How have family events been, or otherwise seeing your husband?

FF

Once the truth came out about his name not being in the loan, he refused to discuss it with his son-in-law and daughter who had lied to about it. He never admitted that he lied but instead twisted it around until they were just exhausted with it. Then he disappeared for awhile and didn't see our grandson for two months. When it was safe (they had dropped it), he reappeared. In the meantime, he pulled other stunts with his lawyer. Finally he just stopped and signed the decree.

I have only seen him once, at our son's wedding in January. We did not speak. He did make a drive-by comment at me (very awkward and ill-timed and not really worthy of a response anyway). He was incredibly uncomfortable at the wedding and avoided my family. He stood off by himself a lot and seemed to be zoned out.

He is supposedly moving to Mississippi in September, nine hours away from his only grandchild. Daughter has accepted it and son-in-law is not too broken up about it.

[formflier]

 
Verbena,

If you don't feel comfortable sharing the "drive by" comment that's ok.  I think it would be informative to me and others to see how the twisted thinking plays out.  Especially since it seems to be the only attempt made at any sort of communication... .correct?

I often try to push back to "big picture"... .what really matters in life.  People pick different things, and that's their choice.

Many times when I look at a pwBPDs story... .their life plan is indecipherable.  Your ex's choices are just completely baffling.

My goal in life is to be the best father I can be.  Part of that is being the best husband I can be to a BPDish wife.  

So... .when you look at life choices... .and you essentially have a choice to be close "to the future" (the grandson) or not... .I simply can't figure how how twisted logic takes you to another place.  

What is his stated reason for the move... .or does he state a reason?

A couple hours is one thing... you can still drive in... .do things... drive back all in the same day.

Good grief... .  

FF

[Grey Kitty]

It is very good to hear you sounding completely convinced that you did the right thing, after making the ever so hard choice to be the one ending a marriage.

I realize now that I could have stayed except for one thing--the gas lighting.  It was this one behavior that tipped the scales.

It wasn't my "one thing" but there was something my wife did which was a lot like your husband's gas lighting. I called it the 'I'm not doing anything wrong' game. In a classic Maya Angelou moment ('When people tell you who they are, believe them' she told me about something she did in the 7th grade: Something got into her about some other girl in her class. So she stared at this girl throughout an entire class period. Without saying or doing anything else. After the class, this girl was angry (no surprise!), and started a fight and beat her up... .my wife said she didn't even fight back. When they were both taken to the principal's office, my wife insisted that she "didn't do anything", because she didn't hit the girl or start a fight or anything. She wasn't in middle school when we met, and the game wasn't quite that transparent anymore, but the spirit of it was perfectly described in that one incident.

This bit about being mean, provocative, or whatever... .in a way with some thin veneer of deniability... .and then denying left, right and center that there is anything underneath was the game. Man did it piss me off sometimes! Anyhow, your description of what you called gas lighting reminded me of that... .grrr... .still pisses me off.

Sometimes I find myself grateful for my "one thing" which tipped the scales--because it drove me to leave behind all the other things that I could put up with.

Do you find that same twisted gratitude too?

[Idefix01]

Tomorrow marks nine months since my divorce was final.  I was married for 34 years, one week, and five days.  Ending my marriage was one of the best decisions of my life. 

I am far from being completely healed from the damage living with this man did to me.  However, I am doing well. I am still in therapy and just started Divorce Care for the third time.

I realize now that I could have stayed except for one thing--the gas lighting.  It was this one behavior that tipped the scales.

The first silent treatment happened three months after the wedding, the first rage about six months in. The gas lighting didn't begin until maybe the last ten years of the marriage.  It ramped up in the last five and was almost constant the last few months and even after he finally moved out. 

The constant negativity, refusal to ever be wrong, moodiness, rages, and jealousy of anything I did well were all things that got worse over time, but I could have worked around all that.  I did work around it for years.  I went on about my business and had a life of my own.  I didn't tie my own identity to him.  I had a crappy marriage but I was used to a crappy marriage. 

But the gas lighting... .

It nearly pushed me over the edge. 

Telling me he was speaking when he wasn't... .telling me one thing one day, denying he said it the next, denying that he denied it the next... .flying into a rage and then calmly tell me moments later that it never happened, that I imagined it... .pretending not to remember... .accusing me of concocting stories about him... .denying anything and everything that was actually happening and telling me that I was making it all up... .

I was not going to survive the gas lighting. Many people knew of his other behaviors because they witnessed it, but he was very careful to only do the gas lighting behind closed doors.  He never would have stopped it because it was working on me and he knew it.  He got pleasure from it.  It gave him power.

He never thought I would finally get my fill of him.  I will always be grateful to God for showing me what I had to do and lifting me out of my abusive marriage. 

Thank you so much for sharing! It describes to the very point what I went through and what got me over the edge too.

I am sorry you had to go through this and I am very happy to hear that you are healing and looking forward.

Cannot thank you enough for sharing your post. For the first time, I read exactly what I went through from another person and even if I have healed quite a bit and know that all this was happening to me... .I was the only one experiencing it as he never showed this behavior when others were around.

Just venting. Thanks so much.

[Verbena]

Sometimes I find myself grateful for my "one thing" which tipped the scales--because it drove me to leave behind all the other things that I could put up with.

Do you find that same twisted gratitude too?

Grey Kitty, yes.  I never thought of it this way, but this is exactly how I feel.  

Formflier, the drive-by comment was a question about my mother's health.  He rushed up from behind me, then crossed in front of me at an angle, and from maybe fifteen feet away asked his question, all the while walking very fast away from me but looking at me over his shoulder.  It was just so odd. I would have had to yell at him as he walked away.  Instead I just turned and walked in another direction.  Those were the first words he had spoken to me since August 1 of last year.  

He is moving to Mississippi because too many people here "know his business."  That's what he told our son months ago.  He told our daughter he "needed" to make this move, whatever that means.  

I believe the move is tied to some of the deep issues he has.  His daddy was born on the land where he is moving to.  His mother had serious mental issues that his daddy had to deal with and which probably led him to drink.  He was an alcoholic for many years but stopped a few years before he died.  His mom abused prescription drugs, slept a lot, frequently gave everyone in the house the silent treatment, slammed a lot of doors--and that's just what I know about.  

In my opinion, this move nine hours away to where "his people" as he calls them live, he is righting some kind of wrong, "doing the right thing" (that is one of his favorite phrases) or defending some noble principle in his mind.  I know that sounds crazy.  But he's crazy.  

Nothing was more important to him than being right and not being challenged on anything--not his marriage, his children, or his grandson.  He had no choice but to get divorced because I insisted on counseling and accountability --for both of us. There was no price too high to pay to avoid that.  

Maybe he feels he has no choice now but to move away from the terrible injustice that was done to him.  Just a guess.  Or maybe he just likes the scenery in Mississippi.  It is beautiful there.  
 
Idefix01, I'm glad my story helped you.  I'm sorry you went through this same nightmare.  Gaslighting was just too damaging to my own mental health.  I still question my own reality sometimes because of how I was conditioned to believe his. 

[formflier]

OK... .the move makes a little more sense to me now.  Not at all that I'm ok with it or agree with it.

For my wife, moving in close proximity to her family stirred lots of stuff up... .likely that is still stirring around in ways that I will never know or understand.

She was very happy and excited to leave here over 20 years ago to go chase my around the Navy.  The decision to move back here was made in part, because it made sense to me to want to be near family and  "home".   On my Dad's side... .I would be close to a multi-generational piece of farmland that I have fond summer memories of spending time on.

Anyway... .thanks for expanding on the story.  I'm glad you made it through that event without a confrontation of some sort.

FF

[Verbena]

Formflier,

In your wife's case, moving close to her FOO stirred up her dysfunction because that is where she learned it and they feed it.  

In my ex's situation, it's very different.  "His people" in Mississippi are distant cousins that he only met about seven years ago.  He has never lived there in his life. They see him as a pleasant, personable, easy-going person because that is the facade he presents to them.  I've witnessed his performances in front of them several times.  It's truly Academy Award caliber.  Who knows if he can pull that off on a daily basis once he is living there.

I was very close friends with the wife of one of ex's distant Mississippi cousins.  She followed me through my journey to get away from ex and supported and understood what I was doing.  Or so I thought.

 Now that ex is a frequent guest in her house while in Mississippi doing whatever he is doing to make this move (his land is directly behind theirs), she seems to be duped by him.  I no longer have contact with her as I do not need to hear how he is choosing to be this other person, the person he refused to be with me in his marriage.  I also don't like having to wonder if he is in the next room when she and I talk on the phone, wonder what lies he has told them that day, etc.  My goal is to heal from his abuse and none of that is good for me.  

Ex's cousin has three grandchildren who live a stone's throw away from where ex will be living in Mississippi.  All are almost the same age as our grandson here.  Maybe being able to see them daily if he wants to  will soften the blow for him of leaving our grandson nine hours away.  At first thinking of this upset me.  Now I think that limited contact with our grandson will be better in the long run--for our grandson. 

I wish there was a way you could get your family away from the influence of your wife's family.  I wish there was a way your wife could see the damage she is doing to her marriage and her children and make a decision to stop it.