Who is the sick one? How do we really know?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I started getting the feeling, that I am the borderline and not her. I know this sounds silly, since I was not the one that was committed in a mental institution or took pharmaceutica for year.

Still, after all this reading about BPD, I begin to feel that I am the one with the disorder. I mean, I was the one stalking her after we split (electronically). I am apparently the one with an abandonment issue, since I  still feel the need to post on the internet 9 months post-breakup. I'm the one that can't let go, and "just understand that it's over" and move on. I am the one that think about her everyday, fantasizing delusionally that she might come back in the future.

She is living a, perhaps, normal life with her new boyfriend and didn't have any problems moving on.

A pwBPD twists everything, so that everyone else is to blame - "they might even claim that other are borderline". You see what I am getting at? How do I know that I am not the one twisting everything? And she is the normal one.

Man this messes me up... . Maybe due to a bad night of sleep, and too much coffee.

[GuiltHaunted]

I started getting the feeling, that I am the borderline and not her. I know this sounds silly, since I was not the one that was committed in a mental institution or took pharmaceutica for year.

Still, after all this reading about BPD, I begin to feel that I am the one with the disorder. I mean, I was the one stalking her after we split (electronically). I am apparently the one with an abandonment issue, since I  still feel the need to post on the internet 9 months post-breakup. I'm the one that can't let go, and "just understand that it's over" and move on. I am the one that think about her everyday, fantasizing delusionally that she might come back in the future.

She is living a, perhaps, normal life with her new boyfriend and didn't have any problems moving on.

A pwBPD twists everything, so that everyone else is to blame - "they might even claim that other are borderline". You see what I am getting at? How do I know that I am not the one twisting everything? And she is the normal one.

Man this messes me up... . Maybe due to a bad night of sleep, and too much coffee.

[Cimbaruns]

Guilthaunted

You bring up a good topic... .

I find myself thinking the same way at times... .

Always ruminating... . thinking ... . maybe it IS me!

Maybe someone can share how they feel about this... .

Or help us process... .

[delusionalxox]

I can only say the same and that I feel the same way.

I spoke to mine today and was told the same thing, that I am the sick one, the abuser, all that.

That I am dangerous, a stalker, etc. I've said some crazy things to him out of horrible pain.

I really don'tknow what to think any more.

I suppose one thing is that a. he dumped me pregnant which I could never do to anyone, even a friend/acquaintance b. he repudiates responsibility for acts like that c. he sees ending a relationship as a personal insult (an 'abuse' d. I supported him financially for years with no thanks e. he has definitely stalked and abused me in the past but is writing it off.

I think on the whole I have a more balanced view of the whole thing than he does. I see us as both at fault and in the end the waiflike dependent behaviour was his. I can be a right b*tch and very obsessive. But I didn't expect to live off him, control him, obsess his time, tell him what to think.

Who knows maybe he is right and I am 'hited up to hell' as he said. I think it's too easy for him to project all the blame. I sure don't, I know I had my part in it and should have disengaged long ago but still can't.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Actually how I ended up on this board was I felt a loss of identity. And when I looked up loss of identity, it spoke of borderline personality disorder. Then I remembered her saying she had that so long ago. I guess since they deflect so much blame and do other crappy things they kind of infect us. I feel like I've become a narcissist and cannot connect to other people very well at all. And I didn't used to be this bad about that. I still harass her on a facebook account she ignores, because a part of me will always love her and also she kind of wore me so down that I felt kind of emotionally enslaved. You see, no matter how horrible the things she did was, me feeling so much like her makes me understand how she could do what she did. In the end, after taking so much, I became what she always expected me to be... . her abuser.

[growing_wings]

I think is understandable to think that we might have the disorder. I happened to me too. I began to question i was BPD and i even told my T

Rest assure, we might also have abandonment issues and other situations we need to deal with from perhaps childhood experiences (I know i did), as I attached and got addicted to an individual who has BPD.  The very dangeous thing about BPD in my view, is that they project so much on us, we might actually start believing it (which is terrible) , she accused me of me being severly mentally ill, she told me i twisted things, she told me i was the problem... . etc. and i started to believe it, because i lost myself badly on her, i lost sense of myself and it was easy for me to adopt the label she was putting on me wiht her projections (easy to fill an empty mind with her ideas). this is when i had to leave. NC is giving me the time to balance my opinions.

I recognize i had my own abandonment issues, and i am working through T with that. But i have had a good look at my interactions with friendships, previous partners , etc. and i have not treated them as she treated me.

They move a lot quicker as they dont have empathy (my ex told me she felt nothing, when trouble came to her, she felt nothing... nice?). I FEEL the loss, I FEEL the pain.

work on yourself, only then you can understand what made you attach to a BPD individual.

[Pretty Woman]

Not to freak you out but you could have borderline traits. I do. Also, once you've been in close proximity to a BPD person sometimes you pick up "fleas". Look it up.

Like attracts like. You were attracted to each other on some level due to this. Now, you are the aware one in this former two-some. Now is the time you need to figure out why you were attracted and fix that part of you so you can be in a more rewarding relationship.

[delusionalxox]

'I still harass her on a facebook account she ignores, because a part of me will always love her and also she kind of wore me so down that I felt kind of emotionally enslaved. You see, no matter how horrible the things she did was, me feeling so much like her makes me understand how she could do what she did. In the end, after taking so much, I became what she always expected me to be... . her abuser.'

Yeah I've done a bit of harassment but now stopped. I had a lot of problems before I met him, yet there was this sick wrongness about the way he treated me in the realtionship that I couldn't ignore. He says I have 'corrupted' him, that until he met me he would not have been capable of lying, cheating etc. I would not say that about myself, I wouldn't blame him for my wrong actions, they were freely chosen.

Who knows eh? I know I've never ended a relationship feeling so awful. But like you I understood him to some extent through our similarities.

Who knows, maybe I'm the piece of ___ he says I am, but I can reflect on it. I can think in shades of grey (sometimes). I hold down the job, I don't need to have constant sex with whoever comes along, I don't visit prostitutes (even though he repeatedly accuses me of having had 'affairs'.

I don't know what to think, but I think I am less cruel and more forgiving than he is.

[casper324]

I've had that conversation with both close friends and not so close friends.  The close friends knew both of us and many long time friends will say that they never saw what I liked about him.  Not so close friends say they know it is him because of what he did to me publicly on FB and how no normal person would do that to his wife.   

I still sometimes feel I am NQR then again who would be living this hellish roller-coaster for 26 years. We do learn behaviors that we carry with us, my main one being how I reactive I get to any criticism or disrespect ie how I feel when my 20 year old son sits in his room all day while I am out in the freezing cold shoveling a 1/2 mile driveway.     

[Learning_curve74]

It is very easy to feel crazy (or BPD), it's not called "crazy-making" behavior for nothing. This is the aspect of picking up "fleas". However, let's take a moment to step back from our feelings and look at the facts. Below is the diagnostic criteria for BPD. Not that self-diagnosis is the most accurate, but at least we have a ballpark idea. Do you exhibit at least 5 of the 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD?

From DSM-IV:

Borderline Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.   frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5

2.   a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3.   identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4.   impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5.   recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6.   affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7.   chronic feelings of emptiness

8.   inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9.   transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Having read that, do you all still feel as if you might have BPD?

This is not to say that we are entirely healthy. Most of us here bonded or attached to a mentally ill individual who abused us in some manner, emotionally and/or physically. For our own reasons, which are individual, we allowed them to hurt us during and/or after the relationship. The hurt is real and natural, so there is nothing wrong with that, just like it's natural to feel bad when we have the flu. Our bodies naturally heal up after a physical illness, but we need to do the work to heal up after an "emotional illness".

It's said that people choose partners that are of about the same level of emotional maturity. Doesn't mean we have the same exact issues as a borderline, but maybe we have some growth and self-discovery to do for ourselves.

Be kind you yourself and have self-compassion because you need it now the most. And who do you spend the most time with, isn't it yourself?

 

[BuildingFromScratch]

learning_curve74: I exhibit most of those traits, . And many of them even before the relationship. But, I've seen her borderline traits. The constant lack of humility, the adore and irrational devaluation and harsh judgments... . That's not me at all.

[drv3006]

I think we have all at one time posted this exact same post.   Here was my relief.  I went to my ex, soon to be ex, whatever he is, I went to his counselor to meet with him, because he specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder.   The counselor told me this.   It is usually the case that person dealing with someone with BPD ends up somehow thinking they are Borderline.  Why because we all carry personality traits,  no one likes to be abandoned, some of us have (me) have addiction problems.  However it does not make us borderline.   He showd me pictures of brain and how they look and so forth.  Anyway, he went thru the criteria with me and could tell that I was not borderlined,  he did right off the bat say I was a codependent caretaker who suffered from depression and low self esteem.  So the key for me is to find out why I can let this one person change my entire thought process about me.  Regardless of what my job, family or friends say.  I believe this guy.  Why.  Because I have a problem too.  So, I do I deal with ME.  Really.  In all of this, it seems we all have to deal with ourselves first.  The BPD if not in treatment will blame others and me if not in treatment will think I need to care for them all.  Oh well

[drv3006]

By the way, my ex soon to be ex or whatever he is was very upset that his counselor did not think I was BPD.  In fact, he was disappointed.   Now his counselor is wrong.  So see.  Its just who they are.   But I know longer think I have BPD.  Even my own shrink could not say I didn't have it.  When I went to my doctor he wouldn't say I did or didn't I had to go to one who specializes in it.    This is what I think, people with BPD want you to think like them, side with them, suffer with them and be like them when all the while, they truly want to be like you, think like you have friends like you, laught like you.   Its all about sense of self.  Its probably a compliment they hate us so.  Ha ha.

[Skip]

Not to freak you out but you could have borderline traits. I do. Also, once you've been in close proximity to a BPD person sometimes you pick up "fleas". Look it up.

We see this on Internet message boards (not singling out the poster - it is posted in many places on the net), but it is more urban legend than fact. Seeing it often doesn't make it true.  Living under an overpass and growing a beard doesn't give us schizophrenia either  

At the core of BPD are two things - extreme rejection sensitivity and reduced executive control.

Extreme rejection sensitivity drives the fear of abandonment.  Imagine that after being hurt you are so fearful of something that you live your life to avoid it - always having a safety plan.

Reduced executive control is about living in the moment, being impulsive, letting go of the past and not worrying about the future.

Is this you?

That said, many here do have abandonment issues.  But abandonment issues are not unique to BPD - there are a myraid of reasons why we might have this and it is more likely to have its roots in our own genetic makeup and upbringing than than something we caught from another mature adult.

Personal inventory is hard.  It is also important.   Some members work through the breakup drama and never do the "self work". Some will immerse themselves in urban legend (which is mostly blaming and denial). Some will go on to struggle with it later and in another relationship - maybe 6 months down the road - maybe 3-4 years.  Look in the archives at the repeat customers.

It's import to understand what happened to you in the relationship - what BPD is all really all about - so you can then turn that knowledge and those analytical skills on yourself.

[Eodmava]

Couple of thoughts on this one.  First, the fact that you think you might have it... . means that you almost certainly don't have it.  Second, BPD is contagious.  Not in the sense that a disease is biologically spread like a virus or bacteria.  I mean this in terms of the neuropathic generation associated by being in proximity to someone with this disorder.  The closer you get to them, the more inside your psychological defenses they are able to damage.  The irony is that the more you can about a person with BPD, the more BPD like you become yourself... . accepting behaviors that nobody should ever accept.  

On a tangential note, I read something once that I thought explained it best.  We all possess, psychologically anyways, something called our "inner child."  The psychologist I was working with to understand all this explained to me that my "inner child" experienced childhood in isolation with a father who repressed his emotions.  He was a good father but emotionally unavailable.  My mother was busy with my three younger siblings.  A very intelligent little boy but with three younger siblings demanding my mother's attention I needed to learn to self soothe.  I have always heard stories about how I could play by myself for hours.  A BPD is also an isolated child, but she/he is also traumatized and in need of extra care... . so she/he becomes a more and more angry child.  The psychologist then had me do this... . Picture two 18 month olds... . one an isolated (the non) but adjusted child that knows how to self soothe.  Now picture that self soothing child in a room with another 18 month old that is in terrible emotional pain and who can't self soothe so she/he just sits there crying and sad.  The little self soothing child tries and tries to calm/cheer up/distract/empower that little crying child, but whatever the self soothing child does, he/she can't calm that crying/angry child.  This is the psychological phenomena of a BPD relationship.  No matter what you do you can't help that crying child... . this is why you have to get away and why no contact is the best response.  

[GuiltHaunted]

Having read that, do you all still feel as if you might have BPD?

Thanks for the reminder Learning_Curve74. No reading it out, I can answer no to all of them, except maybe feeling empty at the moment - due to her. Also difficulty controlling anger, during the relationship. Also provoked by her - she knew which buttons to push.

On her behalf, I guess the answer would be yes to 7. Though I don't know if she feels emptiness. On the other hand, she started drinking after leaving me. So, that's 7 again. And I don't know if she tried to hurt herself in the past. Mildly she did display it, she had problems with ache, and she would fiddle with it until bleeding... .

It is usually the case that person dealing with someone with BPD ends up somehow thinking they are Borderline.  Why because we all carry personality traits

drv3006: Thanks - that makes perfect sense. I guess I should at some point see a T. Until now I handled it talking with my mother, at least 500 hours - no kidding, from rough estimate of the phone conversations and the time I was with her in the last 9 months. To be able to keep listing to it - THAT is real love!

Also, to everyone else a big thank you for the replies. Yes, I really want to take this opportunity to work out any issues I have with myself. Poor self-esteem when it comes to women, co-dependancy, rescuer to name the obvious. Also I am digging in my own past to try to find out what triggered it. I have a very loving mother, but my dad (dead since 4 years) was emotionally difficult to read and in the last years of his life I had very limited contact with him. When I was a kid/young adult my parents had a business together, and never had time for me, they argued constantly for as long as I can remember. Even physical sometimes. They split when I was 16 or 17. They probably set the role model for feeling comfortable in the relationship with my ex. And maybe my father had a disorder of some sort too. My mother says he was a psychopath!

What makes it extra difficult is, that so much fits her. But all very subtle. I mean it's not like she threatened me every day to leave me or was ever physically abusive. She was quite well functioning, and didn't display any trait to such an extend that I would either worry for my or her safety.

I posted the story of my relationship in a separate post. It is a long read, although it's extremely  abbreviated. But if anyone is interested, here it is:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=218818

[Murbay]

I too had doubts myself during my r/s with exBPDw. Mainly for the fact that she told me I had BPD and it was my family who told her. My family said nothing of the sort and it was infact her mother who said this to her. I was drawn in enough to believe her and went to T to seek help. It was him that confirmed it was indeed her and not me. However, I do exhibit some traits (as do a lot of people) and picked up a couple of fleas along the way too.

1. Yes. Despite being in a tough relationship, I tried to hold on to it and believed it was because I feared abandonment. In a sense it was, I feared abandoning my children and stayed solely for them. Core reason, my father walked out on me and my sister when we were children and just disappeared for 9 years. Having felt that pain, I vowed never to do it to my own children at any cost.

2. No, if a friend is supposed to be coming over and cancels at the last minute, you plan for another time that suits you both. T played this game with both me and exBPDw, cancelling appointments at the last minute. My response was that I hoped everything was ok and the following week would be perfectly fine. ExBPDw would rage about how unprofessional it was and completely devalue him. Also did the same to her friends if they cancelled, regardless of anything serious happening.

3. No. Asked T who I was because I didn't know. On our own I had no issues at all knowing who I was, but when together with exBPDw I had no idea. This stemmed from knowing who I was against who she wanted me to be and the constant attacks on self image. This was a flea.

4. No. have never had the urge to be self-damaging

5. No. Although I did once say that my life was not worth living anymore. That was right after my exgf stopped all contact with my children because I was still with exBPDw.

6. No. Anxious in crowded places, can get irritated at work but emotions caused by events and pass once away from the cause. Quite normal.

7. No. I'm far too busy to be empty, I love my job and the challenges it brings every day, I enroll in courses outside of work, socialise with friends, spending time with family, doing things with my children, keep fit and active, involved in sports and spend some weekends away parachuting and doing things outside of my comfort zone. Always pushing to better myself physically and mentally instead of retreating. Even when I'm not busy, I enjoy being able to relax, read a good book, watch a film or just lay down and savour moments of calm. ExBPDw hated the fact I had such an active life, hated my job, hated me studying and more importantly hated everything else. I gave it all up to serve her needs and did feel empty so it was another flea.

8. No. I try and avoid conflict at all costs( it's own problem, but working through that with T). It used to send exBPDw into a rage because I wouldn't get angry. Not that I suppressed anger but actually dealt with my feelings before they manifested. The army taught us controlled aggression techniques and when anger does arise I do MMA so vent it all out in the ring. If I don't have that opportunity, I tend to write my feelings down and release them that way.

9. Yes, this is one I have had. As an ex soldier you are trained to disassociate because your best friend might get shot in front of you but you still have a job to do and your survival depends on not reacting. Required CBT to work through this. Have had moments of disassociation since but they are few and far between and have occurred as a result of my instincts kicking in before my brain has had chance to process how to deal with the situation.

So despite all of that, my ex still managed to convince me I had BPD, she was marked as yes on all 9 criteria yet I believed I was the issue and she wasn't. It's funny how you can allow them to change your thinking.

[santa]

She's the sick one. I am certain of this because when I first encountered all of her crazy ways, I took notice of it. I had never experienced that type of behavior before. Violence in the relationship and screaming, etc. was all new to me. My prior relationships had been normal.

BPDs are monsters. If you hang around them long enough, you may start to pick up some of their traits. It's definitely them though.

[hybridax]

I have abandonment issues.  My parents went through a 5 year divorce battle and in the end at 14, I chose to live with my dad.  Though I had been living with my mom the entire time, I felt it was the right choice for me and my life and I dont regret it.  But the last time I saw my mom was in that court room.  That was 14 years ago.  I called everyday for 2 years, sent letters, cards, all of my school artwork.  Never heard from her... . did I abandon her?  No! I was 14.  I wanted to be able to spend time with both.  But the cold silent treatment my mom gave me has had an impact on me throughout my life. 

So here I am, after the first recycle, getting the silent treatment from my ex.  She knows about my situation with my mom and she knows after our first breakup that I felt like I was 14 all over again... . Do I sometimes think im BPD? yes, but am I really?  No!

Im not the one that left her, im not the one that said, "hey! im going to go home for a few days and have some time to myself for a week."  And then she moved to California to move in with my replacement and start a relationship.

We are all human, we have emotion.  I was/am dependent on my ex.  Maybe more so because of my past history with my mother.  But in the end, I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and I know that i'm not crazy.  I can express myself when there is an issue, I dont bottle like she did.  I dont run away from the people I love.

I have reached out to my ex, the last time was a month ago, still no answer.  Ive been painted black.  I would never do that to someone... .

[CoasterRider]

Im sure my ex would say Im the one with the problem. As pre-break up I pretty much admitted to any and everything I did "wrong" in order to save the relationship. I admitted to having anger issues, being controlling, insecure, hell I even admitted to cheating which I certainly did not do.

I was controlling because I wasnt trying to hold the rains of a carriage out of control and was trying my damndest to get it back on the correct path, all the while being fought the entire way.

I was angry because absolutely nothing I had to say or the way I felt about anything mattered to him, it was his way and what he wanted or nothing at all.

Talking to an ex-fling on facebook is NOT cheating. He reacted so enormously to it (core wound) not to what I actually did. His over-reaction made me believe I MUST have cheated if it caused all this.

The entire time I was confessing away to how terrible I was, I knew deep down this wasnt about me, and knew deep down his reaction was to all his pain in the past. However, there was no way in trying to get him to see that without it ended up in an even bigger arguement.

So the only thing really wrong with me, is not standing up for my boundaries, and letting him project onto me and believe those projections.

[hybridax]

Im sure my ex would say Im the one with the problem. As pre-break up I pretty much admitted to any and everything I did "wrong" in order to save the relationship. I admitted to having anger issues, being controlling, insecure, hell I even admitted to cheating which I certainly did not do.

I was controlling because I wasnt trying to hold the rains of a carriage out of control and was trying my damndest to get it back on the correct path, all the while being fought the entire way.

I was angry because absolutely nothing I had to say or the way I felt about anything mattered to him, it was his way and what he wanted or nothing at all.

Talking to an ex-fling on facebook is NOT cheating. He reacted so enormously to it (core wound) not to what I actually did. His over-reaction made me believe I MUST have cheated if it caused all this.

The entire time I was confessing away to how terrible I was, I knew deep down this wasnt about me, and knew deep down his reaction was to all his pain in the past. However, there was no way in trying to get him to see that without it ended up in an even bigger arguement.

So the only thing really wrong with me, is not standing up for my boundaries, and letting him project onto me and believe those projections.

admitted to cheating? but you didn't?  They will make us say the s&*t wont they?  After reconciling with my ex, I gave her my trust, I had nothing to worry about... . Then she left me for some dude she "kind of" saw after we broke up originally.  What the heck, I just ordered "I hate you dont leave me" to gain more knowledge on this s&*t.  Do I still love her and care about her after everything that has happened.  Absolutely... .

[santa]

The one with the prescription for Lithium.

That's the sick one.

[CoasterRider]

Im sure my ex would say Im the one with the problem. As pre-break up I pretty much admitted to any and everything I did "wrong" in order to save the relationship. I admitted to having anger issues, being controlling, insecure, hell I even admitted to cheating which I certainly did not do.

I was controlling because I wasnt trying to hold the rains of a carriage out of control and was trying my damndest to get it back on the correct path, all the while being fought the entire way.

I was angry because absolutely nothing I had to say or the way I felt about anything mattered to him, it was his way and what he wanted or nothing at all.

Talking to an ex-fling on facebook is NOT cheating. He reacted so enormously to it (core wound) not to what I actually did. His over-reaction made me believe I MUST have cheated if it caused all this.

The entire time I was confessing away to how terrible I was, I knew deep down this wasnt about me, and knew deep down his reaction was to all his pain in the past. However, there was no way in trying to get him to see that without it ended up in an even bigger arguement.

So the only thing really wrong with me, is not standing up for my boundaries, and letting him project onto me and believe those projections.

admitted to cheating? but you didn't?  They will make us say the s&*t wont they?  After reconciling with my ex, I gave her my trust, I had nothing to worry about... . Then she left me for some dude she "kind of" saw after we broke up originally.  What the heck, I just ordered "I hate you dont leave me" to gain more knowledge on this s&*t.  Do I still love her and care about her after everything that has happened.  Absolutely... .

Yes! He said I "emotionally cheated" on him by talking with a former fling who currently lives on the other side of the world. But he was so convinced from day one I would cheat on him he saw what he needed to see in the conversations to prove all his suspicion worry and paranoia were justified and he wasn't in fact just crazy.

[jp254958]

We live in a fog in the aftermath of a relationship with someone who has BPD. It takes time and work to get a clear head again.

The key question I think is this - are you asking if you're the problem?   The one who is nuts?  Well guess what... . In an odd way, those are healthy questions to ask. People with BPD generally don't reflect internally about their behavior. When they do, it's fleeting.  Most will wander through life the same way with no change or real reflection.  As the saying goes, crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That's exactly how they live. Mirror, push/pull, paint the partner black, then find someone else as a replacement.

If you are reflecting on your own behavior,  then that's a positive sign. You're asking hard questions about yourself. Ask, contemplate, and be compassionate to yourself. There are things to learn about yourself by being in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill.

Maybe you need to learn how to be compassionate to yourself.

Incidentally,  everyone has BPD traits at one point or another. We've all hated someone or been overly emotional,  etc.  It's when someone meets the DSM criteria and shows these behaviors on a consistent basis where having BPD is a legitimate possibility.

[Perfidy]

One way to find out is to get together with a qualified mental health professional and have a psychiatric evaluation done. That's the first thing they do when you get treatment for severe depression. Sometimes getting a professional opinion beats guessing. When I talked with my physician he did a brief psych eval. He had me fill out a questionnaire so he could refer me. BTW there are many temporary conditions that fall into mental disorder. Depression being one. Anxiety another. One of my physical symptoms was that my blood pressure was high and my heart rate was high too. As far as being comparative to the ex... . well... . we already knew she had her problems. There wasn't much guess work.

[hybridax]

From a video game... . but it's good, real good... .

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEWJ-JgVS7Q

[myself]

Let's accept we're all not at our best.

The past wasn't always good for us.

It's about getting better, now, and how.

[RecycledNoMore]

I exhibit 3 of the 9 criteria

Sometimes I think it is me with BPD,during times when I was being raged at or witnessing extreme rage from the ex I would dissacociate, I would stare at the wall, almost pretend like I wasnt there ?

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment- yes, I was desperate in the beggining of the rs, I did anything to make him happy, I treated him like a king so that he would never want to leave,In past relationships my ex partners and I usually parted amicably, why did the M.O change?

Impulsivity, I have had a long and diffucult relationship with food, I am an emotional eater.

So what does this all mean?

I am sick, just in a different way.

There is no such thing as a " non"

We may be " non" BPD, but thats about it.

We all have our crosses to bear

They just come in different guises.

[Conundrum]

Mentally sick in a post modernist society is subject to liberal interpretation. The DSM-V, serves a pedagogical function, yet is it more instructive than the Bardo Thodol? While in our focus tested society, Tyler Durden may fight to feel something again, would you really want to wake up next to him every morning--he seems a bit intense. Perhaps people with BPD embody that, "it's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." But, having one's soul deconstructed at a pre-school age inevitably twists the inner mechanisms of the most saintly child's mind.

So if you bought into accusatory projections what does that say? Personally, I believe the answer lies in addiction. There are overriding facets that we are addicted to which we do not want to lose under any circumstances--addiction, fixation, compulsion and obsession. Consequently we will adopt, pacify and appease--as long as we get our fix. The problem though is that repetitive negative reinforcement may subsume our self-esteem, especially when the vested interest involves one's relational hopes and dreams. When you fall into the trap of believing unjust projections--seek out the primary element that you are addicted to. What are you so afraid of losing that you are willing to delegate to them the power to distort your perceptions? In my case, the hardcore projections started in the 7th year--after we had broken up. Perhaps because I am older (16 years), I rarely bought into her allegations but they have been frustrating, pedantic and circular. I've tolerated it, because in an addicted sense, I want our dark bedroom antics to continue on--even though we are broken up--and they have on occasion. In retrospect, perhaps shallow. I'm still sorting that out. Though these days with her slamming meth and donning county issued orange jumpsuits--that desire is just about DOA.        

[Littleopener]

I tend to think back to my past (normal) relationships. They ended in a civil way, we're still friends, there were no harsh feelings. Both of us accepted blame and moved on.

Compared to this one. It wasn't normal. So if I'm capable of having a normal relationship before, yet he said all of the women he was with before me were evil, I'm not the one with the problem, no matter how much I feel like it. He made me go a little "crazy" because of the things he said to me and blamed me for.

Also the very reason that you are wondering this means you are self aware and admitting to things like this means it is not very probable that you are the one with the problem.

:-)