I remember you had written this in another discussion :
If I break this streak, I'll restart it.
I remember it because I like the attitude it entails! Don't be hard on yourself for breaking NC. I think what could be useful is exploring your motivation in replying, and I mean really getting to the bottom of things in an honest way. What was your state of mind when you replied? Would you say it was impulsive? What were you doing right before? I feel like exploring these types of questions can help determine whether there is a pattern or trigger behind when you reach out to him. Remember to be empathetic with yourself, you're human!
As for what you want to achieve by seeing him, that's also an excellent question to reflect on. What are your thoughts?
Why am I trying to prove to my self that I am 'worthy' of his friendship...perhaps because I was not 'worthy' of any thing more?
I really feel you on this! What I've learned (and still need to remind myself of) is that placing your worthiness in someone outside yourself is giving your power away. This is especially true when that someone has BPD, since their feelings towards you will oscillate.
That is a losing game! Your sense of worth comes from
you. What you feel about yourself is what matters.
