how do i get my needs met without a fight?

[burnt out]

I have been attempting to set boundaries with my BPD SO for quite sometime now.  It seems like not matter how I approach him,  I get an instant deflection.  I get accused of just "picking a fight"    And then I get told that I am bullying him,  I am aggressive,  arrogant among other things.  When the conversation is done, I am scratching my head in disbelief as to  how I now am responsible  for upsetting him, I am never happy and he needs some space from me... .  I am frustrated,  I love him, but I am at a point of bitterness and anger because I am not getting validated or heard.  uugghhhh 

[OutOfEgypt]

I am frustrated,  I love him, but I am at a point of bitterness and anger because I am not getting validated or heard.

I rarely sojourn over to the undecided board, since I am already happily divorced and separated from my uBPDex.  But your post sounded so familiar.  How do you get them to validate, hear, take responsibility for how they treat you and how utterly one-way the relationship is?  You can't.  You can communicate in the hopes that they will see and hear, but you can't make another person see or do anything.  And that goes double for a person with BPD who avoids and deflects anything that could potentially cast blame or any negative light on them.  I'm still watching this kind of thing unfold with my ex and her adult son.  He tries to explain to her how she is never there for him and why it is wrong for her to humiliate him to Facebook and to all of his friends simply because he forgot to pick up after himself when he came by to visit, but she will not hear it.  His undying desire to get that validation, to have his voice heard, and to get her to join the relationship in a mutual way leaves him perenially frustrated and hurt beyond words.  He's chasing after a phantom, and he has been for years.  When he was a teen, it manifest in him running away from home repeatedly, "just to see if mom would chase me."

If you ask or expect anything of them, they take it as "too much pressure" or as an accusation of wrong.  If you explain how you are hurt, in spite of an occasional sense of "aww, I'm sorry," you will get deflection and defensiveness and projection.  These are classic defense mechanisms for a person who will under no circumstances ever look at themselves beneath the facade and allow anyone close.  It is always going to be on their terms, on their time, and all of their actions and reactions are justified.  Like with my son... .no matter what he says or how he points out her obviously terrible behavior in public (Facebook), she will always defend herself by saying something like, "It's *my* Facebook page -I can post whatever I want!"

[lotus74]

I know exactly how your feel.  Anytime I try to tell my pwBPD that he has hurt me or how his actions make me feel I get accused of attacking him, not being empathetic, and that I shouldn't feel hurt because... .(he"ll have some elaborate explanation as to why my feelings are invalid). My timing is never right or the way I said it was offensive.  He even goes as far to say that he doesn't give a s**t about my feelings.  He thinks that all the problems in our relationship are my fault and that I am not willing to change to make things better.  He says that he is done with the relationship and threatens divorce almost once a week.    It's really frustrating never having my feelings validated.  I am starting to feel burned out too.