Timesharing with Kids - Need Advice

[PM720]

Hello,

Brief Intro. Undiagnosed BPDXW.  I think I am co-dependent, very poor with boundaries. Separated, money issues all agreed to, but can't agree on Timesharing with the kids. S6, D3. I would like some advice on a decision I just made.

So STBXW teaches at a high school. She leaves around 5:30 AM every morning. BC of this I have allowed her to put the kids to bed at my house. She has them on her days and then she comes over and sometimes gives them baths and hangs out with them here at my home (family home) and then puts them to bed. I get them ready and take them to school everyday. The problem is that she is rude and nasty when she is here. In most cases there will be some type of argument or comment, or dirty look given to me, and I honestly dread every time she comes by. I have said multiple times that if she continues to come over here and act this way, that I won't allow it anymore. That no court is going to force me to allow her to put them to bed at my house. And that I am doing this bc I am trying to have some type of cooperative divorce.

The final straw:

Two days ago I got really sick. Fever, chills, it was the absolute worst. I texted her "Please take the kids to my aunt's house tonight, I am incredibly sick and can't watch them."

Her response was to completely tear me down. "You are totally irresponsible." "You can't call out from being a dad." "You need to be a parent and take care of your children and your responsibilities." She eventually took them to her house and wanted me to say thank you bc she helped me out. Bc apparently that's how you do things to people. You make them feel like complete garbage and than ask for a Thank You.

So we argued back and forth, but I woke up this morning and I said to hell with this. I told her, that I was no longer comfortable with the arrangement we had. That on her nights she can take the kids until nighttime, but when she comes over she says good night and drops them off.

I wanted to see what some people thought. I've honestly don't think I should continue the current arrangement. It has gotten me nothing. It is like whatever things I do for her, mean nothing and in return she has done nothing back. I thought maybe by allowing this setup, she would see that I was trying to have a collaborative divorce. That we could come up with a schedule that is different then anything a court would decide bc we could work together for the children. But whenever I give extra, its not appreciated, its not enough, and then she always wants more.

I have issues setting boundaries and I think this is one line I need to draw. I appreciate any feedback. Thanks!

[Allure]

Clarification on your timesharing:

1. Does she get them everyday during the day and you get them at night during weekdays? If so, from what time to what time?

2. What about on weekends?

[mrclear]

Ok, You're gonna have to set more boundaries than one here... .   Whatever the timesharing is on this... .  

You are soon to be divorced. You're hurting, but still thinking as a rational human-being and therefore being considerate and believing that your ex has the same values. This could not be further from the truth! You have been painted black and no matter what you do, it will be wrong. There is no soft split from a BPD-individual. No collaborative divorce. There is no remorse and no empathy from her side, just an intense fear of abandonment, which you have now "dared" to initiate. What is that gonna make you to her? The epitome of evil. She is deperately trying to hang on to control and the loss of it is driving her crazy.

Some practical thoughts: Don't let her enter your home anymore (if possible). She can drop the kids off, no more. You will have to prepare yourself and your kids for the split and a BPD-free environment. That's what they will have when they are with you. You will do your kids (and yourself) a bigger favor, putting them to bed in a stress-free environment. Your ex can do that on her time with the kids. This will be tough for the kids in the beginning, but they'll get over it and be better off in the end.

Another boundary: After the divorce: no together time with you, mom and the kids. It will only provoke stress for you and the kids.

In emergencies, try to find someone else to watch the kids. She can't be used as a fall-back. It will only strengthen her control over you.

You will have to rely on the courts here to come up with a solution. An agreement with her will be impossible, because she will always try to gain the upper-hand and diminish your time with the kids, who will now be used as an accomplice. (PAS).

Example: I fought for months to come up with an agreement, was blackmailed into visiting my kids 600 km away and blamed for staying in a hotel, because the kids couldn't sleep over. I was blamed of "dumping them on her whenever I felt like it". There is no winning this... .  

It's about you and your kids now. You have to heal yourself and set the boundaries that you are comfortable with. It's gonna get worse before it gets better, but in the end, your kids will love you for it, believe me :-)

atb, mrclear

[PM720]

Clarification on your timesharing:

1. Does she get them everyday during the day and you get them at night during weekdays? If so, from what time to what time?

2. What about on weekends?

Allure,

My aunt picks the kids up from school.  On Monday & Tues she has them from 4pm to about bedtime. Which is when she would come over to my house and put them to sleep.  Weds, I drive to her house after work and pick them up and put them to bed.  Thursday,  I pick them up from my aunt's and put them to bed here.  She then gets them Friday afternoon and all day Saturday at her place.  I get them all day Sunday.

[PM720]

MR.Clear,

I think you are 100% right.  There is no empathy.  There is no understanding on her side. I have been painted black and that is pretty much it.  What you suggest is exactly what I want.  A place where my kids can get away from this BS. The moment she moved out it was if this huge weight had been taken off my shoulders.  Everything was so much nicer and calm at the house. No dirty looks. No bad names. Just me and the kids having fun, playing, watching movies.  Friends have commented to me that the last few times they have spoken to me, I sound 20x better than I did before.  They have really noticed a difference.  The problem is that when she comes over she brings all that negativity and all that garbage right along with her.

You're right. This needs to be a safe and loving house for my kids and I need to do whatever I can to make it that way.

[mamachelle]

Hi PM720,

I'm still a little confused on the details, but I think you need to cut out the putting to bed at each other's houses and shared afternoon/evenings. It must be confusing to the kids as well.

I would write up a plan that keeps your time, your time... .   and her days her days. Having daily contact with stbxW is not helping you.

have you seen these:

Shared Parenting 

Things to cover in a parenting plan


Hope this helps... .

mamachelle

[Allure]

I agree with MrClear.

DH had 50/50 Timeshare before we got married and their boundaries were not firm. She called him whenever and would drop by his house whenever all for the sake of the children. And this was after 2 years of separation and 2 years of divorce.

Timeshare has been changed to Basic Visitation due to DH military duties although ExW believes that DH modified the PP because of me and not the military, hence, another reason why she is furious.

I can tell you that the children tell us it is a lot better because of the stability and they actually did not want us to go back to the same town.

ExW of course feels different and states that DH abandoned the children and they are suffering.

Please set firm boundaries now before you meet your next wife. I wish I knew then what I know now and would have waited to get married until DH went back to the Military and modified the PP.

[Thunderstruck]

What would make me nervous about your situation is that a lot of the times the pwBPD resorts to false claims of domestic violence... .   That is why I would limit contact with the X and make sure contact happens in public and record record record... .   My SO has a program that saves his text messages. He video records exchanges. Evidence for court.

[PM720]

What would make me nervous about your situation is that a lot of the times the pwBPD resorts to false claims of domestic violence... .   That is why I would limit contact with the X and make sure contact happens in public and record record record... .   My SO has a program that saves his text messages. He video records exchanges. Evidence for court.

Yeah I have a program that does the same thing.  I am definitely concerned about this too. I have realized that there is nothing she won't do.

[mrclear]

Hi PM 270,

This 1 day here, 1 afternoon there is not good for kids. You need to get some distance between you and your ex. Don't worry, the courts will sort that out. It will come to the desicion that you both will have certain days, weekends or holidays at a time. Make sure it's fair and healthy for you and your kids.

Be prepared for all kinds of retaliation. Remember that unfortunately you ex knows you well and will know exactly which heart-string to pull and where to place the tip of the sword where it will hurt the most. Don't take it personally. This is not about you. Separate the person from the disorder and realize that she's a frightened child in an adult body. Doesn't mean she is not responsible for her decisions and actions though... .   Take it one day at a time and react (if you have to) respectfully, polite, firm and business-like. Think only of the emotional health of yourself and your kids.

Document everything! Save insulting e-mails, threats etc. If your worried about being liabled, slandered or dragged to court on charges, do as thunderstruck has suggested. Tape phonecalls and save textmessages. That way she can't twist facts (which they always do) and you have the evidence to back it up.

Stay the course and try to keep your kids out of this, even if she doesn't (which she won't). It'll take time but the rewards are great. I can already see you healing, happy and content. 

I think there are enough people here who have been through the same to help... .  

atb, mrclear

[PM720]

So here is what I decided to do.  Would like some feedback from you guys.

On the days that she has the kids, if they need to sleep at my house on her nights, she can drop them off at the front, but she cannot come in.  She is not welcome in the house anymore and I am going to get my key back from her today.

She wanted to pick the kids up from school everyday, including the days where they are supposed to be with me, since she gets out of work a few hours earlier.  I told her no.  My aunt can get them on my days and I will pick them up from my aunt's house on those days.

For custody exchanges (days I get them from her) I will meet her at a public place and will not go to her house to pick them up. I don't feel comfortable there and am not going to put myself or the kids in that situation.

So ever since this started she has been extremely pissed.  Telling me how she really wanted work on the divorce together.  How she was rude to me bc I did not make her feel welcomed in my home.  Which is complete BS, but I know thats what these people do.

The thing is I kinda feel like I am being a jerk.  Maybe that is the codependent in me?  I think these are boundaries and I need to be comfortable setting them.

What do you guys think?  Am I headed in the right direction?

THANK YOU!

[marbleloser]

IMHO,you're doing things perfectly.It does feel a bit odd and like you're being a jerk at first.(She actually called me that one day.)You'll get used to it.

She's pissed because you've taken "your" control back.I'm still going through the same and it doesn't go away,but you'll learn when to communicate and when to not respond.She sees "cooperating" as you doing as she wishes.She expects you to continue to be the same as you were when married.Now though,it's like a business transaction.To the point and brief with your boundaries in place.

[pilgrim]

No personal contact.  Everything by email.  Text for urgent matters only.  No more showing up at each other's door.  Business only, every email "brief, informative, friendly, firm."

They hate it but it's good for us and our kids too.  If she senses your boundaries weakening, she'll test it.  Stay strong.

Change your locks, if she has a key.  I found this out the hard way.  Also I did the "go to the other's house to put the kids to sleep" deal in the beginning, too.  What a mistake.

Hang in there.

[motherof1yearold]

agree with pilgrim. also , correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you just want to keep her around - I'm sure you are capable of putting the kids to bed yourself. Also , in court that wouldn't look good that you had her doing the dirty work of putting kids to bed.

[PM720]

agree with pilgrim. also , correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you just want to keep her around - I'm sure you are capable of putting the kids to bed yourself. Also , in court that wouldn't look good that you had her doing the dirty work of putting kids to bed.

No that isn't the case. What we had decided is the two nights during the school week, that she was responsible for the kids, she could put them to sleep at my house instead of wake them up at 5:30AM and bring them to me, so I can take them to school. She can't get them to school because she teaches high school and needs to be at work at 7am. Kids are not allowed at school until 8am.

On my nights with the kids I neither ask nor require any help from her.

What I've noticed though is that house is much better without her. It is much more peaceful and a better experience for the kids. I feel that I've made the right choice.