What do you call this?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So last night, after I got home from work, and got my Son settled, .my beautiful w/BPD was raging at me about how I was the laziest person she ever knew, and how much more considerate, and a better father her ex husband was compared to me, this conflict has been going on since before Christmas... .and how I ruined "her" Christmas, and anniversary... .and then tonight, her older sister, and brother-in-law comes over to the house, and she acts like everything is A-ok ?/!... .what do we call this behavior... .I tell you, we can be fighting like there is no tomorrow, and the phone will ring, and its her Mom, and she changes (emotional) channels, like going from the Texas chainsaw massacre, .to the weather channel... .CLICK !... .just like that, and I am standing there thinking... .HEY... .what ?/!... .hey, I thought you were mad to the point of... .why do these ladies do this... .what part of this BPD behavior is this called ?... .I don't understand this, when I am mad, I am MAD, till I cool off, I cannot just turn that on, then off in a split second... .

[Red5]

So last night, after I got home from work, and got my Son settled, .my beautiful w/BPD was raging at me about how I was the laziest person she ever knew, and how much more considerate, and a better father her ex husband was compared to me, this conflict has been going on since before Christmas... .and how I ruined "her" Christmas, and anniversary... .and then tonight, her older sister, and brother-in-law comes over to the house, and she acts like everything is A-ok ?/!... .what do we call this behavior... .I tell you, we can be fighting like there is no tomorrow, and the phone will ring, and its her Mom, and she changes (emotional) channels, like going from the Texas chainsaw massacre, .to the weather channel... .CLICK !... .just like that, and I am standing there thinking... .HEY... .what ?/!... .hey, I thought you were mad to the point of... .why do these ladies do this... .what part of this BPD behavior is this called ?... .I don't understand this, when I am mad, I am MAD, till I cool off, I cannot just turn that on, then off in a split second... .

[Notwendy]

I don't know what to call it. I've spent a weekend with my H giving me the silent treatment and anger when we are alone to being Mr. Wonderful when the kids walk in the room- in an instant. Like turning on/off a switch.

Once this was happening in the car. We stopped for gas. A secretary from his job was there. He snapped into Mr. Wonderful to greet her, then back into the car to continue where we left off with me.

He's very busy at work. If I asked him to take some time off to have some time together as a couple, he'd get irritated, accuse me of interfering with his job. Yet, it his parents came to visit, he'd take the day off, treat them like treasured guests ( which he should- I am OK with treating your parents well, but wish he'd have treated me that well too).

I think it has to do with the mask. Someone who has a poor sense of self can develop a mask- and if one has to do this- I think they are very good at it. Those of us who don't have a mask- well we just are who we are. I think all of us to some extent, have a persona- we act professional at work, polite with guests, and tend to be casual with the people we know the best. If we were in a grumpy mood, and got a call that our boss was coming over, we'd probably snap out of it for the moment.

I think when someone develops a mask though- the discrepancy between the public persona and the real self is probably greater. It's the switch back and forth that surprises us.

[Krato]

Yes, I believe they are able to put on the mask whenever they need to. People suffering from BPD are highly emotional, sensitive and reactive but that doesn't mean they can not control their emotions when they have to.

Red5, is there any difference in her behavior when for example your parents or relatives arrive? My wife usually then decides not to put on the mask and usually continues rage episod as passive aggressive behavior. At work she almost always has her mask on. Only towards her managers she can switches to passive aggressiveness or rage.

[Red5]

Krato, my BPD/w has never really liked my mother since we were married, although she did for a while… while we dated, (another long story in the never ending chapters) my own mother is most likely some kind of pd for all her life, I only figured this out in the last twenty year period, and I am 50 now… so I have often wondered what happened when two PD’s come into close contact, obviously it can be entertaining, if you can consider this in the after action report. I was married before, 21 years to a beautiful young lady who was a CSA victim… I learned a lot from being with her, after I got smart and started to “learn”… we had three children together, was very rocky, frustrating, and I grew up in this, as we were married quite young, I was 18, she was barely 17, I know now I was her escape capsule… this previous  marriage almost killed me, that divorce was final back in 2006… back to your question, today, in my second and current marriage… when my own mother comes for a visit, form three states away, obviously there is a “warning” order issued… and all during the time frame of the impending arrival, by pbd/w really rages, and says that she is leaving for the duration of the visit,really gives me the what for… but she never does follow through and amazingly, on goes the mask, and everything is peaceful… for the most part… however, recently, when my pbd/w’s own mother comes by, as we live in their geo location area… pbd/w now gives her own mother the what-for… pretty nasty… and this is only in the last few months since this latest stonewalling campaign has been being waged… You see, my BPD/w has been diagnosed with cancer, and has to travel for her treatments, 3.5 hours north… and as her entire family, mom & sisters are all controllers (PD across the board most likely, another long story in the never ending chapters)… there is much power for play gong on… and I have been pushed aside, and told I am an azz whole jerk because I cannot travel for a week away to be by her bedside and not be able to arrange care for my autistic son… this of course will provide unlimited caches of ammunition to throw back at me, upon demand… Addendum… my BPD/w will in fact sometimes have a meltdown in front of the entire family, during “gatherings”… lots of drama, I have heard many stories of all the players (three sisters, and one brother now deceased), and the things that have happened during gatherings, long before I entered this family… & I have to say… it’s pretty bad round here at this time… there you have it !

[SamwizeGamgee]

I hear you.  I know I feel the same maddening behavior.  I don't think my wife is aware, and I doubt it's intentional, but she has a completely different behavior when she's "on display."   She also goes over the top to prepare the house for company - if there is ever a "good time" to have company.  I believe it is because everything in her mind is an act.  She has to act normal, and happy, in spite of the demons inside of her inner blackness and empty.  I just don't think she can see the light, or have a true happy moment on her own, so it's all for the facade. 

In my mind I tell myself that everyone loves Dr Jekyll, and has never met Mrs. Hyde.  It's so frustrating.  I get compliments at church and school on my family and how great my wife is.  Inside I want to scream.  I have wedged in an acceptance of these compliments by saying "yes, she sure does make a great impression."

This will make it brutal if I go forward with my idea of divorce.  I know that very few people will have the idea that they saw this coming, or that there were any problems in our marriage or family in the first place.   I'll look like the psychotic, abuser, infidel to many people when she gets done with the spin on the story.

[Lucky Jim]

Red5, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  I'm quite familiar with the on/off behavior you describe, which is frustrating but beyond your control.  The idea, in my view, is to get to a place where you decline to participate in the drama, which requires detachment.

Samwize: I was once in your shoes:

I know that very few people will have the idea that they saw this coming, or that there were any problems in our marriage or family in the first place.   I'll look like the psychotic, abuser, infidel to many people when she gets done with the spin on the story.

My BPDxW is a gregarious person who was known as the unofficial "Mayor" of our small town.  Little did people know what the Mayor was really like behind closed doors, when her tantrums and rages wreaked havoc on those closest to her.

I'm sure you know this already, but at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what others may think of you if you leave, because they have no concept of what it's like in a BPD marriage.  Also, you may be surprised to learn that some people already know.  People are not dumb and pick up on things, as a kind friend explained to me after my Ex and I parted ways.  So my suggestion: do what is right for you! 

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

LuckyJim - Thanks.  I am in a process of trying to strengthen myself.  In the past two years I've had to learn a lot.  Feeling my feelings is one of them, and then acting in my own interest is another skill to learn.  I am expecting that if I do anything other than keep up appearances there will be fallout - and I'm okay with that since I'll know who my real friends are sooner or later.

[Lucky Jim]

I am expecting that if I do anything other than keep up appearances there will be fallout - and I'm okay with that since I'll know who my real friends are sooner or later.

There will be fallout, but that's unavoidable and better than the alternative, to continue a life of quiet desperation.  I found myself treated as a pariah by former friends.  So what?  They weren't really my friends.  People are quick to judge, yet most have no concept of what it's like in the Cave of the BPD Minotaur.

As I suggested before, do what is right for you!

LJ

[Notwendy]

This is something my H accuses me of. He says I treat everyone else nicer than I do him. Yet, if I ask him for examples - there aren't many of them as we don't socialize together very much.

I think we all put on our best behavior in certain situations such as work- where we need to have professional behavior. One thing that really bothers him is when I appear relaxed around people like a sibling or my closest friends yet tend to be guarded around my H. Sadly, there is truth to that. I don't worry that my best friend will get triggered and start yelling at me- so far she hasn't done that. If she did, I would be guarded around her as well.

The difference though is that there isn't really a mask. I'm the same person in different situations. I also don't switch from that to being angry and critical. I am a bit more subdued around my H- because of my experiences with him. He doesn't like that. I wouldn't either, but somehow doesn't connect the reason for that.

I think this accusation- that I am nicer to others than to him is part observation of my demeanor and part projection.

[purekalm]

For me, I grew up with my dad like this, so to some degree I had to do the same. It didn't matter how heinous of a thing he just did, I wasn't allowed to feel and had to 'get over it' as soon as possible, which meant instantly. I learned very early to control my emotions and only show what people wanted to see, for a while, until I didn't care anymore.

I think people that start out that way makes it easier for them to act like that, one quick stuff and you turn on whatever emotion you need for the moment. It's not healthy and the emotions are always there not being dealt with, which to me is why they can act so outrageous and their emotions are so strong. That's why everyone says they feel for them, because they truly are in pain, but it doesn't change what they've done/do either.

My husband has done the same, but to a lesser degree than my dad. My dad has been at the point for years that not only does he still do this, but now he's forgotten his real history and replaced it with his own. He's been a great father and husband to my mom and doesn't understand why his life is so bad... .

Sorry you're going through this, I know how it feels.