How do they feel or react when we cry?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

About half of my day today was spent with bfBPD crying: not him but me. I took a stab at breaking it off again and it's had me crying profusely after several days of no contact. I'm pretty sure my dog is more reactive to my upset than my bfBPD. How do your PWBPD react when you finally let down your guard and start showing emotions--especially crying? We have been together for a year and this is one of perhaps 4-5 times where I just let go. The withdrawal period of NC from him felt like withdrawing from a drug and I think it made me highly emotional when I did see him. HELP!

[Loveofhislife]

About half of my day today was spent with bfBPD crying: not him but me. I took a stab at breaking it off again and it's had me crying profusely after several days of no contact. I'm pretty sure my dog is more reactive to my upset than my bfBPD. How do your PWBPD react when you finally let down your guard and start showing emotions--especially crying? We have been together for a year and this is one of perhaps 4-5 times where I just let go. The withdrawal period of NC from him felt like withdrawing from a drug and I think it made me highly emotional when I did see him. HELP!

[camuse]

Mine told me early on that she found it very disappointing when men she looked up to turned out to be emotional. A phrase I didn't think much of at the time, but was a big red flag. She reiterated often that she had no time for partners who were needy, emotional, sulky, down, sad, whatever. She demanded positivity at all times, "strength".

When things started to deteriorate, I got very upset and stressed several times, each time she simply did not react. If I asked her to stop, she just did not hear what I said. She said I was sulking if I was upset about one of her massive rages. But of course, she could be as emotional as she liked and I had to drop everything to try to help.

She had no empathy for anyone and actually became angry if I showed any concern for anyone - stating that I should care only about her.

Quite why I put up with such behaviour, I now have no idea. Shame on me

[bansh]

My BPD gf thinks it's the greatest thing ever when I am able to show emotion, and that I'm "one of the few guys that does show it deeply. She is attentive when i show sadness + crying, BUT... .as a deeply introspective person I rarely get a "window" long enough TO suss out any tears before her stuff takes front and center, and I'm usually painted as not being sensitive, cold, and mean, and she's "the emotional one" which is not true, I've always felt things deeply too, I'm just denied it exists, am steam rolled, or when we go through her episodes, I am too levelled with anxiety and stress and feel backed in a corner... .I don't have room to cry, when pushed into fight or flight so often.  She translates this to "I like to make her cry because it doesn't hurt me", when in reality feeling frightened for my health and sanity due to the chaos and wanting to run for the hills with everything i own at 3am even though i feel like collapsing from exhaustion just being in the house for BPD marathons.

But yeah, she likes that I can be emotional, while denying it exists when it's shoved into a corner until the storm blows over.

I've known others more like that someone described here though, acting "creeped out" by anyone eles's emotions, especially male.

[bansh]

Also, one thing i noticed early on before the BPD stuff showed itself, was when i did get emotional, she almost seemed more concerned with her "performance" of how she comforted me, than being connected on that level, as guilty as I feel for noticing/thinking this.  I could be wrong, but maybe it's a trait others have seen here?

[mywifecrazy]

My uBPDxw didn't seam to know how to react when I was full blown depressed any was crying all the time because she was leaving me after 18yrs. I remember one time VIVIDLY when I was in pain and couldn't stop crying. She looked at me confused like when a dog tilts it's head. It was so weird, even in my condition at the time it registered with me as odd. I think it was just a physical expression of her lack of empathy. They really don't connect with other peoples feelings.

Another time way back in the beginning of our relationship I was depressed and crying at my Dads sudden passing. I was lying in bed crying and she stood beside me and said "You're no fun anymore" ... .What the heck... .major  . I wanted to slap her! Here I was in pain about my Dad dying and all she is worried about is me providing entertainment for her like I'm a freaking circus clown. But now when I think about it I understand that she just doesn't have the capacity to feel for others... .VERY SAD!

MWC

[sirius]

When my ex saw me cry each time, she would hug me and pad me on my back

[Blimblam]

Mine told me early on that she found it very disappointing when men she looked up to turned out to be emotional. A phrase I didn't think much of at the time, but was a big red flag. She reiterated often that she had no time for partners who were needy, emotional, sulky, down, sad, whatever. She demanded positivity at all times, "strength".

When things started to deteriorate, I got very upset and stressed several times, each time she simply did not react. If I asked her to stop, she just did not hear what I said. She said I was sulking if I was upset about one of her massive rages. But of course, she could be as emotional as she liked and I had to drop everything to try to help.

She had no empathy for anyone and actually became angry if I showed any concern for anyone - stating that I should care only about her.

Quite why I put up with such behaviour, I now have no idea. Shame on me

Exactly they want a sociopath and a white night. 

[topknot]

There was no hug, no comfort,  no matter how serious the issue. Just that blank stare and matter of fact coldness. I was diagnosed with an incurable illness. I sat at his kitchen table and lost it. He spoke to me as if we were discussing which stock to purchase.  I was sobbing and said, I dont want to die. I have too much living to do. No empathy,  just kept washing dishes. It was always can I rub his back, his feet, massage this or that with the promise "And then I'll do yours". Right... .if there was any gesture of even bringing me a plate of food, it was robotic and foreign like in nature.

[startrekuser]

There was no hug, no comfort,  no matter how serious the issue. Just that blank stare and matter of fact coldness. I was diagnosed with an incurable illness. I sat at his kitchen table and lost it. He spoke to me as if we were discussing which stock to purchase.  I was sobbing and said, I dont want to die. I have too much living to do. No empathy,  just kept washing dishes. It was always can I rub his back, his feet, massage this or that with the promise "And then I'll do yours". Right... .if there was any gesture of even bringing me a plate of food, it was robotic and foreign like in nature.

In couples therapy years ago, before I even had heard of BPD, the therapist nailed her and called her out for her bad behavior.  I cried (I'm a man and I don't cry) because it was the first time ANYONE, including therapists and her friends and family, took my side on anything and saw her behavior.  She criticized me for it and said I'm not a man, etc.  WITCH!  Please excuse my venting.

[Infared]

Oh... .sometimes with the topics here I have to start laughing for what I endured, or I will start crying.

So... .my ex is suddenly running off to new hero, (please do the whisper thing) but she says that there is no one.

My head knows she is cheating on me, but my heart is no where near that realization. So, in a "moment" (I think, if this is even possible) of remorse for what she is doing to me, she makes an overture that she should kill herself.  Now, As much pain as I am in for how twisted I am being treated, I suggest/beg that she see a therapist... I mention it to her parents (who really cared about me), as well. I really cared about her.

Well, she eventually gets a therapist (got to hand it to my ex... .she finds THE most unprofessional person that I ever sat in a room with IN MY LIFE... the T may have been pwBPD, too. LOL)... .YES, I made the mistake of going to a session (There were supposed to be 6 sessions, yeah right!), with her therapist. DUH! Her therapist had billed the sessions as closure counseling.  Now I did not know about BPD at the time, so... .of course... .my ex had been lying to her like she did everyone else, and playing the whole victim thing. She did not admit about the cheating or any of her actions that caused me all of this emotional pain and God knows WHAT she told the T about me. It was soo obvious at this point that she was lying during the session about the cheating, hanging her head down in shame, etc... but the T said nothing.

I was so upset, realizing what I had walked into that I started to cry, and the T says "we didn't come here to get upset"? (Wait... .wasn't I in a therapists office talking about feelings?) Then she says to my ex (as if I am not in the room), now this is having just met me 15 mins ago mind you: "Well, he isn't exactly marriage material."?

Now, if I had not been so depressed and dumbfounded I would have stood up and walked out, after I told the T what I thought of her, but I actually was in shock as to the goings-on. I thought I was halucinating. Outside of the office my ex looks at me and says: "You aren't coming back for any more of this (abuse), are you?" Cold as a cucumber. No admission of the cheating. I said not for any amount of money! I left there a totally broken person.

Wow... .did this REALLY happen in my life?

In spite of all that, today, even though I am a man, I vent my feeling with crying if I need to. MY T is totally behind me on that.  

[whatathing]

My uBPDexgf also said to me when we met, that she didn´t like needy and emotional men, and added that she felt very guilty for hurting people, so she couldn´t stand to know that someone would be crying because of her. And I went through all of the abuse trying not to show my sensitiveness and hurt. One day, when she asked for NC after we broke up, I finally broke down and cried a lot in her face. It was a pathetic display, but at the same time, I´m glad that it happened, because I´d endured so much, I needed that. And it felt good to express her my emotions, also.

But she just stood there with a guilty and anxious face, like she wanted to run away immediately. I think this episode was traumatic to her, and made her be very afraid of coming back (she´s a waif / hermit BPD).

The bottomline is, I don´t want to be with someone with whom I have to contain my emotions, that would be a self supressing r/s, it would be sacrificing myself and my wholeness for a non reciprocal and very poor affect giving r/s. That´s the trap that they get us into, and that has to do with our attachment style with our infant caregivers. A trauma bond.

[Infared]

My uBPDexgf also said to me when we met, that she didn´t like needy and emotional men, and added that she felt very guilty for hurting people, so she couldn´t stand to know that someone would be crying because of her. And I went through all of the abuse trying not to show my sensitiveness and hurt. One day, when she asked for NC after we broke up, I finally broke down and cried a lot in her face. It was a pathetic display, but at the same time, I´m glad that it happened, because I´d endured so much, I needed that. And it felt good to express her my emotions, also.

But she just stood there with a guilty and anxious face, like she wanted to run away immediately. I think this episode was traumatic to her, and made her be very afraid of coming back (she´s a waif / hermit BPD).

The bottom line is, I don´t want to be with someone with whom I have to contain my emotions, that would be a self surpressing r/s, it would be sacrificing myself and my wholeness for a non reciprocal and very poor affect giving r/s. That´s the trap that they get us into, and that has to do with our attachment style with our infant caregivers. A trauma bond.

High-Fives... .all around!

[Perdita]

The only times my BPbf has seen me cry has been as a result of things he did/say.  There are no hugs or kind words.  He becomes cold as an ice cube.  Absolutely no warmth, no concern.  I'm expected to hold it together at all times no matter what he does to upset me.  I on the other hand am not allowed to put a foot wrong EVER, which I never do deliberately anyway, or I am made out to be the most awful person ever. 

It really is all about their feelings all of the time.

[blissful_camper]

He seemed uncomfortable with strong emotions. His responses reflected his discomfort. He didn't try to connect with me when I cried.  I had to initiate a hug or embrace. 

If I didn't initiate that, he would pass tissues while seated away from me.  During one of his rages he mocked me for crying. 

[hergestridge]

I was with my wife for 20 years and I never cried. She told me that it was healthy for a person to show feelings and that i was supressing things within me.

But I quickly learnt that her reactions to people's feelings became the main drawn in every relationship she was involved in. I learnt that I could be sad and angry if someone we both hated or disliked had upset me. I learnt that I could not be sad or angry if it was because of something my wife had said or done, because she couldn't handle the feelings that it created in her.

Another reason I did not cry or show much feelings is because she could use it against me. She always had a hangup about me being "mr perfect" and made a far to big deal out of single mistakes I did, like when I occasionally forgot something or that one time when I lost my temper etc. Despite her chronic amnesia she remembered everything she thought she could use to make me seem like an out of control person (which was what she felt like herself).

[eagle755]

Mine was a little different than everyone else's. If I was crying over something that didn't have to do with her, she didn't really care at all. But if she was the reason I was crying or something, she would comfort me. Unless she was upset. The only times she comforted me was when she wasn't mad and she was in a certain mood or something. But at least she actually tried sometimes, rather than being cold.

When we broke up after I found that she cheated on me, few days went by and I tried working things out, and I cried in front of her multiple times, and she cried in response to it, which never happened during our relationship.what she always did was just tried calming me down by just doing something I liked(sexual). Seemed to be the only thing she knew to do in that situation.

But then there were the night's I'd sit outside crying and she could care less. Or when my family member died and she could again care less.

[SpringInMyStep]

they feel nothing. simple. my wife was the coldest person ever (well, one of her personalities was) and then the other personalities were clingy and filled with abandonment fears.

I am so happy to be free of her.

[goldylamont]

i only cried once in front of my ex, because of how nasty/crazy she had acted during a really big event in my life. long story short it was a performance i had been working hard for years to get to, all my friends and some family were there, i got accused of not giving her enough attention (i couldn't, i had to perform and run the show)... flirting with other women (all bs), ended up getting cursed out by her throughout the night. i had to try and put on a good face in front of everyone then at the end of the night search for my ex furious and cursing at me walking the streets. the next day she continues to rail at me about how terrible i was and i finally broke down, telling her, why couldn't she see that this was one of the most important days of my life and that she tried to destroyed it for me? when i finally cried her mood changed immediately, comforting me, hugging me, crying with me. i seriously think for her that she just wanted me to feel as horrible as she did, and when i finally broke she felt like she had a friend in hell.

[willtimeheal]

Mine would.look at me and say... .really you are such a.drama queen.  I was not allowed to cry or show emotion. It didn't matter if a family members died or if she abused me. I was a drama queen. 

[Blimblam]

Mine would.look at me and say... .really you are such a.drama queen.  I was not allowed to cry or show emotion. It didn't matter if a family members died or if she abused me. I was a drama queen. 

Omg yea! This is exactly what I heard.

[antjs]

Oh... .sometimes with the topics here I have to start laughing for what I endured, or I will start crying.

So... .my ex is suddenly running off to new hero, (please do the whisper thing) but she says that there is no one.

My head knows she is cheating on me, but my heart is no where near that realization. So, in a "moment" (I think, if this is even possible) of remorse for what she is doing to me, she makes an overture that she should kill herself.  Now, As much pain as I am in for how twisted I am being treated, I suggest/beg that she see a therapist... I mention it to her parents (who really cared about me), as well. I really cared about her.

Well, she eventually gets a therapist (got to hand it to my ex... .she finds THE most unprofessional person that I ever sat in a room with IN MY LIFE... the T may have been pwBPD, too. LOL)... .YES, I made the mistake of going to a session (There were supposed to be 6 sessions, yeah right!), with her therapist. DUH! Her therapist had billed the sessions as closure counseling.  Now I did not know about BPD at the time, so... .of course... .my ex had been lying to her like she did everyone else, and playing the whole victim thing. She did not admit about the cheating or any of her actions that caused me all of this emotional pain and God knows WHAT she told the T about me. It was soo obvious at this point that she was lying during the session about the cheating, hanging her head down in shame, etc... but the T said nothing.

I was so upset, realizing what I had walked into that I started to cry, and the T says "we didn't come here to get upset"? (Wait... .wasn't I in a therapists office talking about feelings?) Then she says to my ex (as if I am not in the room), now this is having just met me 15 mins ago mind you: "Well, he isn't exactly marriage material."?

Now, if I had not been so depressed and dumbfounded I would have stood up and walked out, after I told the T what I thought of her, but I actually was in shock as to the goings-on. I thought I was halucinating. Outside of the office my ex looks at me and says: "You aren't coming back for any more of this (abuse), are you?" Cold as a cucumber. No admission of the cheating. I said not for any amount of money! I left there a totally broken person.

Wow... .did this REALLY happen in my life?

In spite of all that, today, even though I am a man, I vent my feeling with crying if I need to. MY T is totally behind me on that.  

your post made me laugh until i cried out of laughter. i am so sorry. i do not mean to be mean but as you said sometimes we have to start laughing at what we have endured.

I was so upset, realizing what I had walked into that I started to cry, and the T says "we didn't come here to get upset"? (Wait... .wasn't I in a therapists office talking about feelings?)

the black comedy of ganging. I am really sorry for what you have been through and i am glad that your therapist validated you regarding this.

[Infared]

AJ ... .I can laugh about it now and I am glad that you found humor in it,too.  The great part of the experience is the inner message ... .It is ok and appropriate for all of us to express happy or sad emotions with a little crying sometimes. Apparently the value and beauty of that release is wasted on many BPD's (and at least SOME of their therapists! LOL!).

[whatathing]

The bottom line is, I don´t want to be with someone with whom I have to contain my emotions, that would be a self surpressing r/s, it would be sacrificing myself and my wholeness for a non reciprocal and very poor affect giving r/s. That´s the trap that they get us into, and that has to do with our attachment style with our infant caregivers. A trauma bond.

High-Fives... .all around!

Thanks! 

[willtimeheal]

When my mom had a heart attack my BPD complained that I was spending to much time at the hospital and not enough time with her.  Wth?  But don't worry she used that time wisely and hooked up with an old high school friend and informed me later that she was going to have him move in with her and her kids. Priceless!

[Vinnie]

willtimeheal,

That's sick.  Sorry to hear that.

Your story reminded me of when my dad complained bitterly to me that mom was hardly paying any attention to him.  I stood there dumbstruck-- because it was at her dad's funeral service!

My dad isn't BPD so I thought it good to remember that self-centeredness is not just a PD thing.

[Emelie Emelie]

The first rage/devaluing experience... .I started sobbing. He said, yeah, you cry.  Go ahead and cry.

[sassy67]

Sometimes I had to cry to pull him out of a rage. It worked he immediately calmed down and held me and told me he was sorry that he didn't want me afraid of him.

[Loveofhislife]

Thanks to all--thank you for validating and informing and yes: helping us laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Most of all, thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone. Another writer on this board wrote that my bfBPD has played a major role in my not feeling alone--that I finally felt heard; right up until I have been devalued at which time I felt more alone than ever. I do believe that our crying confounds their mirroring of us and it does make them very uncomfortable as it reminds them of their own pain and loneliness. 

[Ventus2ct]

Mine would.look at me and say... .really you are such a.drama queen.  I was not allowed to cry or show emotion. It didn't matter if a family members died or if she abused me. I was a drama queen. 

This is exactly what mine would say, drama drama drama……! It would be unusual for me to cry in a relationship but I cried plenty in this one. She would wipe away the tears sometimes but that was about it, she'd just look at me never really sure what she should be doing, she looked awkward, uncomfortable, almost as if she felt a slight amount of guilt (?) am sure she never did though.

[Jb101]

Mine said I was weak and I clearly remember her saying 'this is hardly attractive, what makes you think I want to be with somebody who would cry, you're really not strong enough for me'... .