how do I deal with a daughter-in-law who has BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am feeling abused and trapped by my daughter-in-law and her overwhelming need to control me and the family in general.

[Yiayia]

I am feeling abused and trapped by my daughter-in-law and her overwhelming need to control me and the family in general.

[swampped]

Welcome, yiayia,  and although I am sorry you are dealing with BPD, I am glad you have found this family.  We are here to support you, and you will find that many of us have shared your experiences.  Our ex-dil most likely has BPD, and we have been through the wringer with her drama, and the difficulties that has caused our ds (dear son) and gd6 (granddaughter, now 6).  I have a long list of postings about these issues, going back to 2009, when I found this wonderful Board.  In addition, there are great readings here both on this board, (start with the ones on the right side here) and on the Parenting a Child with BPD board, which have helped me understand how our dil thinks, processes information, and how to deal with her in the most constructive way possible.  It is not easy!  It is an ongoing process, and can be very painful, but you can learn to protect yourself and also help your ds.  Can you tell us a little about your situation?  How old is your dil, and your son?  Are there grandchildren?  Do they live nearby?  Is she diagnosed, or do you suspect BPD?  Is there a therapist involved with her, or them, or you?  Please feel free to come and read, and share as you feel comfortable.  We are a warm group, and you will find that you have many friends here.  We really do get it!  I look forward to hearing from you.     Swampped

[Wren814]

I'm also new here and we too have a very controlling BPDdil. It seems she is unable to have a relationship with us unless she can control and dominate.  I believe she sees us as a threat, simply because as his parents, we will always love our ds unconditionally and will always be there for him.  She has to eliminate that threat in her mind either by alienating us from him or by controlling us.  It has been very painful, especially since she kept us from our gs2 for over 6 months.

Reading these boards and the educational info has helped a lot with understanding what's going on in her head, and just knowing that other people are dealing with similar things is helpful, even though it makes me sad at the same time.

[SadieO]

Dear Yiayah   We also have a very controlling dBPDil.  I really do know what you are experiencing.  How much you love your son, and your dil's extreme protectiveness of him goes beyond normal.  If you have grandchildren, they are included in there with him.  Everything that has been posted here in reply to your post, as well as yours, rings true with us.  I think having an in law is a little different from having a child with BPD; because the usual dynamics of the mil/dil relationship are tricky enough. The BPD magnifies the challenge tenfold.

We have been dealing with our BPDil for 8 years now.  This board, the information here, and the support help a great deal.  I can't imagine what would have happened to our family, if we had not discovered that Borderline was the culprit.  I would say that the journey is one of hills and valleys.  It's an ongoing process.  I wish you the best on your journey.  You are at the right place.

SadieO

[calamityjane77]

Hi... .This is my first post and I am so glad I found this site. I have been told that my new daughter in law is bipolar and BPD. I'm not sure which but it looks like the BPD is a better match. My son was in a rough first marriage and had 2 children. He has full custody and met a beautiful young girl who could not have been warmer to our family. They married in 4 months and we started to see changes quickly. Every time I had my granddaughters over, I would get phone calls from my son questioning what I said to the girls. It was usually over their real mom and told me I was no longer allowed to talk to them about her. Soon, everything I said was twisted, exaggerated, and eventually I was cut off from my granddaughters. I had spent countless hours with the girls during their lifetime and my heart is literally broken. It's been over a year now and I have tried everything to fix the situation but nothing works. I have been accused of horrible things which is not characteristic of my son at all. He claims I have been horrible to his wife which isn't true. No matter what I do, I get nowhere. Now 2 of my other children and their spouses and children have been cut out as well. It's so odd. When I read about BPD, it does really sound like her. I am so worried about my grandchildren and my son and what life must be like for them. I do have to say, when I do try and reach out to my son, he says his wife is wonderful and blames everything on our family. My heart is so broken. This has been going on for over a year and I am worn out... .

[understandnow]

So sorry you are going through the this with your Dil.  My therapist tells me you can't expect to go through a monsoon and not get mud on you.  I am going through this with my Dil.  She has not allowed us to see her kids and it is gut wrenching.  You are being attacked.  Reading everything you can on the right side of this forum is truly helpful.  Setting boundaries so you won't be held hostage.  If you don't get anything else out of this site is that you are setting boundaries for yourself and not her.  Our boundaries are that I will not engage in her attacks on me and I will never have a normal loving relationship with my grandchildren as long as she has the control.  My son brings them over every once in a while and my husband and I love them and adore them when we see them and have our own life when we don't.  It's a work in progress and it is beyond our control when she disregulates, but we can control our reactions to her attacks.  Be strong, read all you can and know the monsoon will stop until it starts again. 

[calamityjane77]

Thank you so much for responding. I thought for awhile that I was going crazy. I've tried to analyze myself, re-analyze myself, beat myself up... .and then started to do my homework. It is so very sad that my poor little girls are going through this after going through some extremely rough years with their mom. I have a couple of questions... .1. Is it normal for a BPD person to turn the children against their family? 2. What is the divorce rate for couples where one has BPD? If my son is going through hell or not, we would never know. He is extremely private about his personal life. We don't get to see our grandchildren at all. I don't think my son knows that she has this. I believe she's had this since she was a teenager according to what I have been finding out. Shame on her parents for allowing my son and granddaughters to go through yet another difficult time without disclosing this issue. It infuriates me. I have a feeling my dil has a severe case of BPD... .

[swampped]

It seems we need to start a club of mothers-in-law whose lives are turned upside down by BPD!  There are certainly a lot of us on these boards, and it really does complicate the mil-dil and mother-son relationship, doesn't it?  To say nothing of the grandchildren, who always seem to be our biggest worry.  I would like to add just a couple of thoughts:  first, using the grandchildren as a pawn is a fine art with BPD parents.  And when I read about children of BPDs on this board, it would seem that limiting grandchildren's exposure to disordered grandparents also causes some great problems.  I think we have to somehow come to acceptance of the limited role we can have, legally, in most situations.  And then figure out ways to be as supportive as possible to our gc in ways that we hope let them know we are there for them.  Easier said than done when we are allowed no contact at all!  Second, I believe our sons basically are doing what they need to survive, and often that does include excluding us, if only to keep the peace at home.  I believe they also need to know we are there, we love them, and we will be there when they decide to leave the situation.  If they do.  As for letting the son know that we believe this is BPD, I think that depends upon the son.  We made the mistake of using those words with our DS, who is mildly developmentally delayed, and he promptly told our dil that his parents thought that was what she had---a huge mistake!  I would be very careful using those words for any reason other than for my own understanding about the disorder.  And finally, the question of should our dil's parents have warned us about her problems:  I believe that nothing we could have said or done would have changed our son's infatuation with her.  And I have told dil's parents that when they have brought the subject up after the fact---I think there is no reason to add any more guilt to the pain everybody is already feeling in the extended family.   I am sure others would think differently---but these are my opinions for whatever they are worth.  I wish peace and understanding for all of us as we travel this difficult path.  And especially peace for the little grandchildren who need it so badly.  Swampped

[calamityjane77]

Thank you so much for your response. Wow... .is how I feel when I read what you are going through. It is exactly what my life is like right now. I have gone through a deep depression over this and finally went to a doctor and was put on a mild dose of anti-depressants. I tried so hard to work through it on my own but I just could not stop crying. My 2 gd's are my first 2 gc and I am in mourning over them. I love them so much. Their birth mom had a serious drug addiction and that is why my son eventually divorced her. He has full custody of the girls. My ex DIL is finally clean and trying to have a relationship with her girls... .NOT happening. The BPD DIL is just not going to allow that to happen. It's just crazy. She also accuses me of having a relationship with their mom (ex DIL). We have talked when she calls in tears over the loss of her children. They have done a number on the girls where now they hate their mom and wish she were dead. They are totally disrespectful to their mom when, on the occasional time they see her. They run from her, tell her they don't want to see her, won't eat food she brings them on the visit, and is told they can throw away any gifts she gets them as well as my gifts. Does this just sound so crazy? I saw my oldest granddaughter recently for a total of 3 minutes and she begged me to 'change' meaning don't talk to her real mom. She says 'she is no longer a part of me.' I don't think she came up with that on her own. Dealing with this is enough to drive one crazy. I am tempted to write the mom of the BPD DIL and ask her why she allowed my son and granddaughters to go through this without revealing it first. He should have been told... .

[understandnow]

Calamintyjane77, please know we all understand the complexity of mixed families and the BPD Dil.  It strikes at the core of their abandonment issues.  The sad thing is, the children are innocent casualties.  It's hard to stand back at watch the children being used as pawns.  I agree with swampped and just be as much of a support as you can.  It is hard I know I am going through the same thing.  I love my son and grandkids when I can, and know I can't change things I can't change.  Like I said, it's a work in progress.  I keep reading everything I can and my heart breaks also like yours.  Keep strong!

[calamityjane77]

Thank you both for your responses. It truly does help to know that I am not the only one who is going through this. It seems as though it doesn't matter what I try to do to reach out and make things right, I get rejected or ignored. When my son does finally reach out to me, he is so mean to me. He has never, ever been like that to us. There is a hardness in him that none of us has ever seen. Thank you for the advice to read more about this. I definitely plan to do just that. I just talked to my other son about what I am finding on this site and he agrees that this is exactly what we as a family are going through. He and his brother used to be super close and now he, too has been shut out. Does anyone know how often this ends in divorce?

[Panda39]

Googled BPD divorce rate this is what came up... .

www.BPD.about.com/od/forfamilyandfriends/a/BPDmarriage.htm

I think we have to somehow come to acceptance of the limited role we can have, legally, in most situations.  And then figure out ways to be as supportive as possible to our gc in ways that we hope let them know we are there for them.  Easier said than done when we are allowed no contact at all!  Second, I believe our sons basically are doing what they need to survive, and often that does include excluding us, if only to keep the peace at home.  I believe they also need to know we are there, we love them, and we will be there when they decide to leave the situation.  If they do.  Swampped

Swampped I think this is right on the money.

My SO has an uDBPDxw and you are exactly right your son is probably in survivor mode... .trying to keep their family intact while the dil is creating situations that do damage.  Keep the lines of communication open and help your son when he asks for it or jump in if a situation becomes dangerous otherwise step back and live your life.

My SO was married 20 years.  The catalysts for his leaving happened over a two year period. It took a death bed talk with his father, his mother telling him she didn't know who the hell he was anymore, re-connecting with someone from his past on the internet that reminded him he was lovable and the uBPDxw being verbally abusive to his older daughter along with 17 years of drama and chaos to get him to walk out of the marriage.  He was separated for 2 years (which was pretty hellish) before the divorce was final.

Read the posts of the folks on the staying board (not to stress you out) but so you can get a feel for the things your son's might be dealing with. My take on your sons cutting you off is both so your son can have peace by walking on egg shells at home and I my guess is that he is trying to protect you from the DIL's abuse too.

It seems we need to start a club of mothers-in-law whose lives are turned upside down by BPD!  There are certainly a lot of us on these boards, and it really does complicate the mil-dil and mother-son relationship, doesn't it?  To say nothing of the grandchildren, who always seem to be our biggest worry. 

I think the moms with DILs should team up with us step-moms were kind of once removed but "in it" all at the same time like you guys are and our goals are the same love the sons and protect the kids. 

[SadieO]

Dear CalamityJane,    My heart goes out to you.     This is a very relevant topic for me as well, since it is our dil w/BPD. Much of what has been said here, could be words right out of my own mouth.

I am feeling abused and trapped by my daughter-in-law and her overwhelming need to control me and the family in general.

In fact we just said good bye to our dBPDil, her mother, and our grandchildren a few hours ago. Our dil came for a week-long visit, but my husband were only "allocated" a couple of hours max.  As usual, we are left feeling sad, angry, confused and now; scared concerning our gch. Mom and BPDil literally took our youngest gs out of my arms, and refused to let my husband even hold him!   As my dil was pulling my grandson out of my arms, she whispered, "You are not going to get my kids."  Our son is deployed at this time, so our controlling dil is on a rampage, and our son is obviously not around to be a voice for us. We are now looking at the writing on the wall. "We are not going to be a major part of our gchs' lives." Talk about a controlling dil! And, what happens if something happens to our son?  Anyway, I'm rambling. Bottom line is, you also are faced with a controlling BPDil, that is twisting things you say, and convincing your son of those things.   

Soon, everything I said was twisted, exaggerated, and eventually I was cut off from my granddaughters

,also

I have been accused of horrible things which is not characteristic of my son at all. He claims I have been horrible to his wife which isn't true. No matter what I do, I get nowhere.

You are experiencing a ":)istortion Campaign."  I began journaling, fast and furiously, when this began happening to me.  I entitled the journal ":)istortion Campaign." I've kept it going for eight years now. It gives me a place to vent, and helps me keep the facts straight (if only for my own sanity). "Journaling" is not for everyone, but I thought I would throw it out there. For me it is invaluable.

If an issue of custody, or grandparent's rights to see their grandchildren comes up, would an accurate set of notes be helpful?

[SadieO]

Hi, it's me again.  Sadie.  I don't know if my imagination is running away with me, but I "smell something fishy in the air."  I mentioned earlier, that we had a brief visit by our dil, her mom and our gchildren.  As usual, they were rude to us, by not saying "hello" etc...   This time, they refused to hand our year old gs to my husband, who is like a giant teddy bear.  He'd reach out for his gs and mom and dil would turn their back and walk away.  I got to hold my gs for about 20 seconds before dil ran over and took him from my arms.  I said something like, "Just a few more minutes, we're just getting to know each other."  As she was pulling him out of my arms, she whispered, "You can't have my kids."  Huh?

We were showing them our new home which happens to have a guest room, that we have deemed the "kids" room.  As a parent, I would be delighted for my kids to have their own room.  When I was a little girl, I felt like a princess, when I went to my grandparents.  Isn't a trip to grandmother's house, a normal part of being a grandchild?

I get the awful feeling that my husband and I are going to be excluded even more.  Especially with our son out of the picture, while he is deployed.  My dil's mom keeps using the term "my grandchildren."  Not "our grandchildren".

Our grandchildren have enjoyed us all these years.  Now, I feel them being pulled away.  I'll pray, and "try harder".  I've noticed books that talk about grand parenting from a distance.  I remember a lady that kept a light on in an upstairs bedroom, so their grandchildren will know they are always welcome.  And one day, years down the road, they will remember the the light and be drawn to it. 

[SadieO]

Hi, it's me again.  Sadie.  I don't know if my imagination is running away with me, but I "smell something fishy in the air."  I mentioned earlier, that we had a brief visit by our dil, her mom and our gchildren.  As usual, they were rude to us, by not saying "hello" etc...   This time, they refused to hand our year old gs to my husband, who is like a giant teddy bear.  He'd reach out for his gs and mom and dil would turn their back and walk away.  I got to hold my gs for about 20 seconds before dil ran over and took him from my arms.  I said something like, "Just a few more minutes, we're just getting to know each other."  As she was pulling him out of my arms, she whispered, "You can't have my kids."  Huh?

We were showing them our new home which happens to have a guest room, that we have deemed the "kids" room.  As a parent, I would be delighted for my kids to have their own room.  When I was a little girl, I felt like a princess, when I went to my grandparents.  Isn't a trip to grandmother's house, a normal part of being a grandchild?

I get the awful feeling that my husband and I are going to be excluded even more.  Especially with our son out of the picture, while he is deployed.  My dil's mom keeps using the term "my grandchildren."  Not "our grandchildren".

Our grandchildren have enjoyed us all these years.  Now, I feel them being pulled away.  I'll pray, and "try harder".  I've noticed books that talk about grand parenting from a distance.  I remember a lady that kept a light on in an upstairs bedroom, so their grandchildren will know they are always welcome.  And one day, years down the road, they will remember the the light and be drawn to it. 

[calamityjane77]

Hi Panda and Sadie,

I really do appreciate all feedback. I am so distraught over this that I had to go on an anti-depressant... .not my style at all. I just could not stop crying. My gg's are my 2 oldest and we helped with every part of their lives. They have been told that until I 'change,' I can't be part of their life. 'Change' means to never, ever talk to their real mom and to know that she will never change and that she will always be a drug addict. I finally wrote my son 2 weeks ago and told him I am no longer talking to the girls' real mom... .no response. It's just crazy. I'm sorry we are all going through this. I wish we all lived close by so we could put together a support group to talk things out with each other. Everything I read from you, Sadie is so similar to our situation. Is the DIL's mom crazy, too? It sounds like it. So is my DIL's mom. I think she is the driving force, to be honest. Here's what I've started to do. I keep a 'treasure box' for each of the girls and put gifts in there for them. I am also keeping a journal for them from me. I write in it every month. I know they are throwing my gifts away so now I will just have to wait and give it to them when they grow up. It is so very, very sad. I will be praying for all of you and your situation. Lets keep in touch. It helps so much!

[calamityjane77]

Sadie... .I wanted to say to you that even your comment about the DIL's mom rings true for me. (My dil's mom keeps using the term "my grandchildren."  Not "our grandchildren".) My DIL's mom does things like that all the time. She also posts pictures of her with the gg's  on FB ALL the time! She talks about how much she loves her granddaughters, etc. She and DIL also have them dressed up in every picture with perfect hair, perfect outfits, perfect poses, etc. DIL and her sister always have on dresses and pearls. It's just so fake to me. BTW, I have now been blocked by all of them on FB along with my sister, my sister-in-law, my aunt, my son, my daughter-in-law (normal one), my other daughter and her husband. Even the daughter who has a little relationship (barely) has been blocked. It's absolutely crazy. 

[Panda39]

I keep a 'treasure box' for each of the girls and put gifts in there for them. I am also keeping a journal for them from me. I write in it every month. I know they are throwing my gifts away so now I will just have to wait and give it to them when they grow up.

I think this is a lovely idea, a place to put/store the love you have for them until they are able to receive it.  One day they will know the love you have always had for them. 

I'm sorry you have to go through this.   :'(

Panda39 

[calamityjane77]

Thank you so much, Panda. Your words are encouraging.

[Beachmomdk]

Hi,
 Has any of your situations gotten better at all? I have been dealing with a DIL with undiagnosed BPD and Narcissistic personality and maybe a few more issues my therapist said. My grandson is the pawn and my son is I don't know what. He/she it was two different styles wrote my husband and I letters basically telling me how awful I am and how my husband should divorce me. First she loved me and now she hates me.  And on and on it goes. She is happy when money is being spent on her.  Unfortunately she has abusive tendencies and they are moving to Co my son is taking a job. He has a job here that is on hold and the pay will be 4 times what he will get paid in Co but she said nope we are moving and not coming back... .they will maybe make enough to get by but I am terrified that my grandson will be abused. He is 2 and they have lived with us pretty much the last 4 years. They also have lived on our wallet for most of the four years... .