I want peace

[Mom of 2]

Hi, my husband doesn’t have a diagnosis but I have been walking on eggshells for many of the 17 years we have been together. We have two kids, 13 and 9. Two years ago he was laid off and a week later we had an argument which escalated and he went out of the house declaring he was going to commit suicide. As we only had one car, I called the police and they took him to the hospital and he got started on depression med for anxiety (cymbalta). He was more relaxed and was able to cope with life as he was looking for work for many months well. His relationships with the kids were pretty stable too and we would have long discussions about how things were and how they are now so much better, and he would finally listen to me and hear me out. I asked him to also seek counseling which he never did.
Fast forward a year and a half, he decides to reduce the medication because he doesn’t like the idea of being on the Med. So our family doctor who I am so mad at tells him to go ahead and she gives him some poor advice of how to reduce the Med (no testing, no consultation) was done... .anyway I discussed with him that if he was to start showing behaviors he used to before I will let him know, he agreed... .so he starts to increase the time between doses. And I started seeing and the kids started feeling a change in his behavior... .faster bigger reactions to the same triggers, more stressed, taking longer to get over anything that bothers him. I told him that he is behaving in ways he said he didn’t want and that maybe he needs to consider going back on med or seek prof help. He took it badly, like I’m telling him he’s crazy... .blaming me for calling the cops on him in the first place which put him on the Med.
He continued behaving on and off, some days he’s pleasant but then if the kids and I bother him with something he gets very upset and emotionally distances himself (he said he needs time to feel better... .time being a few days each time... .so basically my kids and I can’t rememeber If he’s talking to us or not anymore by that stage.
My kids started not wanting to be around him. He blames me because I am the more flexible parent and he wants to teach them strict discipline and responsibility, and has lately reduced his contact with our eldest to just following up on his chores and showing him disappointment when it’s not all done. My son has told me he’s envious of other kids who have close relationships with their fathers and do things with them. I told my husband this, he tries but somehow something that my son does will ultimately bother him and he retreats again.
I went to see a therapist and I described all this to her. She felt that the kids were not being well treated and she felt I wasn’t doing enough to protect them so she called child protection services on us. My husband was livid, totally blamed me for discussing him and the situation at home, (which I have told him many times the stress levels at home were high and need to be worked on, I had proposed going to family therapy as well at some point which he refused.) Anyway, he keeps saying how I’m painting him out to be the bad father and that I hurt him deeply and that I embarrassed him.
The child protection services lady came and talked to all of us, gave us some resources to seek family counseling and psych help for my husband to monitor his medication... .he was compliant with her. She closed the file. He’s still blaming me for adding more stress although I apologized and explained to him that I was seeking counseling for myself I didn’t realize she was going to call the agency without me knowing.
I want to explain to him that he’s not a bad guy, he’s choosing some harsh parenting techniques that are alienating the kids and putting a lot of stress on the family.he also has outside stress from work which is probably making him more short tempered. Add to that he feels he’s been going through withdrawal from the medication. He can’t seem to see his impact on all this, only my impact.
How can I get him to see his role in all of this, meanwhile showing him understanding of his situation and the hurt and betrayal he feels. He’s avoiding me at the moment because ‘he doesn’t feel safe around me’ and has chosen to move into the basement guest room.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Mom of 2,

What's happening now regarding seeing a therapist for yourself? Do you still trust this one or has her calling CPS weakened trust on your side? If you're not happy with this therapist anymore, have you managed to find another?

I just think you are dealing with a heck of lot and could probably use that support - it would be a shame if the therapist's actions has caused you to lose that outlet.

It must be very hard for you and the kids to be able to see the difference the meds made to your husband while he can't see it himself. It must be very frustrating that he actually asked you in advance to talk to him about it if you saw any signs of old behavious starting, then, when you did, he took offence and dug his heels in. When he starts talking to you again, is there any way you can open up a conversation with him that focuses on his feelings (not about the meds or his behaviour, but generally how he's feeling at the moment)? This could offer him a non-threatening opportunity to get in touch with his feelings and might lead him to recognise for himself that he felt better when he was taking the meds. What do you think?