I feel like he's slipping back into his old patterns

[Cloudy Days]

My husband basically hit rock bottom last year around this time, I'm going to leave the long stressful story out of this and just say he has been taking medication and going to therapy and I felt like we had a chance to finally be happy. No rages, no fighting, I actually felt happy even among a lot of stressful situations going on.  Fast forward to now, he feels his medication isn't working anymore. However I see him doing things that he stopped doing because he knew they were not good for him. He had stopped drinking alcohol for 3 years, he realized that he could not be trusted on it. Now granted he has not had a bad episode while drinking since he started drinking again but to me, it's only time till it does happen, some people are not meant to drink. The other thing, and I am wondering if this is BPD specific, he stopped drinking any kind of caffeine because it gave him too much nervous energy. Nervous energy is agitated energy, I can attest to the fact that when I am nervous or worried about something I lay off the coffee. He has been drinking Coke something he swore he would not drink again because of how it made him feel. He was also seeing a therapist for 3 years and we moved so now she is pretty far to drive to. He told me to set up an appointment with a different doctor and now I am worried that this is going to make him go backwards. The only person I could get was a man and he prefers to speak to women, so I know that worries both of us. I am not sure that he can trust a man. Our insurance only covers certain people so we can't just pick the best therapist, which is stupid. I feel like I am losing him all over again. I lost him last July and I am loosing him again. He's been moody, cranky and depressed. No rages, so the medication is doing something right. I know that I have PTSD from some of his worst moments, but those have gone away since he has gotten help. I don't want him to slip back into the old him, it's scares the heck out of me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Lifewriter16]

A brief aside - I never twigged that Coke/caffeine could make anxiety worse. Thank you for that.

With respect to the change of therapist, I can see that it worries you because you don't want to see him lose all the progress he's made and return to his former self. However, perhaps seeing a male therapist is exactly what he needs to go deeper into his issues.

Lifewriter x

[Cloudy Days]

The caffeine thing is really true, I used to pick at my face a lot and figured out when I drank caffeine it made it worse especially when I was stressed out. Face picking is a nervous OCD type habit. When I stopped drinking coffee I was able to curb the habit. Of course I am a very fidgety person without the caffeine too. 

Anyways, I really hope so on the male therapist. He just seems to be spiraling before he even sees this new therapist. He has been starting fights with me every day this week. My main worry is that he doesn't trust men. I wish you could meet someone before deciding to make them your new therapist. He may not be raging at me but he has been saying terrible things to me that really break my heart. I don't stick around and let him keep going, but it doesn't take him long to go for the jugular.

[Lifewriter16]

My BPDxbf and I have been recycling approximately fortnightly since mid-March. The spate of breakups began as his therapy drew to a close. This is a big issue. I wish I'd been more understanding,  but it's easy to say that in retrospect. I was so caught up in my own reactions to his behaviour that I couldn't step back and see the bigger picture. I hope this phase passes quickly for you.

Lifewriter x

[Ceruleanblue]

It's hard when WE can see what is happening, but we can't do much to stop it because that lies with them. You know he'd likely do better off the caffeine, but it's HIS choice. I know sometimes I feel like I have no say, but I sure get to enjoy the fallout. I do choose how I get to react to it though, and it sounds like you are doing the right thing by walking away.

Your husband saying hateful things though sounds exactly like how my BPDh used to be. He still sometimes says things that hurts me, but I'm now not sure if it's intentional, or just a slip. He's super passive aggressive, so it's hard to tell.

If your husband doesn't like his therapist, can he find another? I'd think it's important for his progress, and maybe the past T can catch the new on up to speed? Not sure if they do that, but it seems like a good idea for a phone call to be made between therapists... .

[Cloudy Days]

This is the closest therapist we could find in the area that takes his insurance. He could easily find someone if it were a 40 minute drive but that stresses him out. So this is who he is stuck with, if he doesn't like the person he will go back to his regular therapist, he hasn't even told her he's trying to find a different one, it took him a month to get into this one.

As for the name calling, it's completely intentional and he knows what he is doing, he told me exactly why he does it. He feels hurt so he lashes out at me, although I did not cause the pain on purpose that fact doesn't matter to him in the moment all he cares about is that he feels hurt. He apologizes for it most of the time but that doesn't stop him from doing it again. I do feel like I have no control, and I don't like it.

We have been texting back and forth all day and he doesn't seem to understand that he throws up walls against me and then claims I am uncaring or unloving to him. You know what he did all of last night? He buried his face in his phone and complained about how much he hated his life, oh and he ordered some porn online (makes me feel special). So I felt ignored and basically just stayed out of his way.

[Cloudy Days]

Well, my fears keep coming true. He had a bottle of alcohol stashed away for the Weekend, we have a celebration going on. He's having problems with his vehicle, He got a new stereo system put in has been trying to get it right for more than a month and this was suppose to be the last time to take it in and it is worse than ever, gets irritated about it and cracks the bottle open and drinks all night. I actually just started crying through dinner, I told him I fear instead of drinking once on the weekend he is going to drink throughout the week, that I am going to come home fro work and he will be drunk. His bull crap response was "Well at least I would be in a good mood". I just started crying, It has been a stressful week and I just broke, can't always be strong. I ended up taking one of his Valium to be able to relax, not something that happens often, I think the last time I did it was 3 months ago. He wasn't obnoxious at least which is something that does happen when he decides to drink. However when I went to bed he came to bed a couple minutes later and started hinting at suicide. I went off on him, I know it was the alcohol talking. His father had committed suicide at his age so he has always joked this is how far he's suppose to make it to. I just really went off on him for it. He shut up and went to sleep. He's suppose to see this new therapist today, keeping my fingers crossed this goes well. Oh and to top it off, his medication that has seemed to work for the past year, is making his hands go numb!

[Cloudy Days]

He seems to keep spiraling. The medication isn't working like it was, he did see a new therapist but he says he misses his old therapist. I suggested he see her one more time to say goodbye, he liked that idea. We have been hanging out with his cousin and her husband and her kids a lot lately and I think it is too much for him. Brings back memories he wants to forget. He wants to cut them off now and not see them again.

However here is the main problem. He keeps hinting at suicide, he keeps saying he is terribly depressed. He sees nothing but bad in his life when there is a lot of good he just refuses to acknowledge it now. He keeps dwelling on what he doesn't have. He looks at our yard and sees everything that he wants to do that he doesn't have money to do. ( I see space and peacefulness) His father committed suicide at 40 and my husband just turned 40. His brother acknowledged that 40 was a hard age for him too. I haven't heard him talk like this for a long time. I don't think he will do it, but you really never know do you? His brother is suppose to come visit in 2 weeks and I have a feeling the anticipation from that is also weighing on him. It's hard to explain the dynamic between them, they seem to love each other but something is off, a disconnect that my husband wants desperately not to be there.

What do you say to someone who keeps saying they want to die? Or keeps mentioning that they are only suppose to live so long. I am going to let his therapist know before he sees her again. I am not allowed to talk to the new one yet. I plan on going in with him to his next, my husband requested it.

[Cloudy Days]

Ok, 4th time is a charm maybe. Not sure why I am not getting responses/suggestions.

My husband is asking for a divorce now. He hates everything around him, wants to get rid of our dogs, that he asked for, wants to sell our house that we have only lived in for 2 months. I got pulled over yesterday for speeding, got a warning thank god. But for some reason he thinks I am lying about it. What is there to lie about, what motivation? So apparently now I make up things for no reason just to lie?  I got woken up last night in the middle of the night to him telling me he hates the dogs, he hates the place we moved to and we are selling it. Kept going off about stuff, I just tuned him out and went back to sleep. I've been holding it together for the past couple of weeks while he has been self destructing. I feel hopeless I just have to watch it happen and see my world crumble around me. I validate and  I make suggestions to the problems he complains about. He is very annoyed by the dogs, I have suggested making them outside dogs. He is overwhelmed by the amount of yard work he has to do, I have offered to help him if he teaches me how. I feel he is just in that mode where everything around him is painted black. I feel so alone. I have been detaching from him, I feel like I am on autopilot just to keep my sanity.  :'(

[KateCat]

Cloudy Days,

I'm sorry this is happening after you have worked so hard. :'(

My only thought is a concern for your safety. I think your husband has a pretty significant history of incarceration, so I wonder if there are any post-incarceration social services available to assist him or you in a time of crisis.

[Cloudy Days]

He's seeing therapists, he actually talked to the lady he was seeing and she said she would work something out so it costs less to see her. Even with insurance it's $50 a visit and the gas to get there. Bringing attention that he is struggling is the worst thing he could do in a post incarceration setting. He has not been violent, he has not threatened me, only himself. Bringing in more hands to control him is not going to help him, it would essentially have the opposite effect, I've seen it happen. He self destructs when control is placed on him and he has a significant amount of control placed on him already.

I usually don't pick up his complaints and make suggestions unless it is something I think would really make a difference in his complaint. I know they are real problems, I know I am stressed out about things, I just handle it differently than he does. It makes me very sad that we have not been able to enjoy our new home because all he has done is nit picked everything to death. I can't make him like something he doesn't like. How long do I give before I decide maybe we should sell the place. But the next place will not be better, nothing is ever going to be good enough.

[itgirl]

yeah I know all to well about pwBPD not liking the new house.  With my ex she usually starts with the house when a big dysregulation is on the cards.  We have moved 3 times in two years.  And every time we move she says this is the nicest house she ever lived in.  Two months later its pure evil.  I never could get that.

Maybe you can validate his feelings and try not to react to much. 

[KateCat]

Your place sounds lovely, Cloudy Days. You did a great job getting yourself and him there.

OK, here is probably a marginal idea, but if he can't take feeling controlled when he is in a state of emotional turmoil, then is there any "tent city" type homeless encampment he can go stay in for a bit in order to have some respite? Or can you and he afford to get him to an inexpensive motel room or campground for a while? Anybody you know own an unused RV or mobile home?

It would be tragic to see all your effort come to naught in a moment of crisis. 

[Cloudy Days]

Well it is a double wide mobile home. I get why he doesn't like it, we bought land instead of a house, that's what we both wanted because he wanted to be able to go outside and not see any sign of another human being. We both agreed on the home, we both loved the land. It's not a craphole, it's only 9 years old but it's still a mobile home and I understand that. I guess I am just able to be happy with what I have and he grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth and anything less than perfect is not ok to him.

He even made a comment to me yesterday that his Father would have them go over to people's houses who were less privileged than him and tell his children. "Now look around at how these people live and appreciate what you have son". I would never point out someone's economic status to my children. I grew up with next to nothing, holes in the bathroom floor, I remember it being winter and being able to see the snow on the ground from the holes in the floor. Or sleeping with an electric blanket because I didn't have heat in my room. It makes me so angry that I can't enjoy this home, because it is far from terrible. It makes me wonder why he chose me to marry him when my family was so much less than perfect. I had one thing he didn't though and that was unconditional love.

Ok, rant over... .I think I hold things in too much.

[KateCat]

Don't get rattled! What you've done for both you and him is great.

(Except: I'm still worried about you. I think your husband at some point spent a year in solitary confinement somewhere. Did you ever receive counseling regarding any risk he might post to you?)

But if he has no history of assault or domestic violence, then he may just be reacting to the disappointments that can come when a wish is turned into a concrete reality. An adjustment period, made more dramatic by his emotional health issues.

Can the two of you take more space from each other during this adjustment period?

[Cloudy Days]

Yes he did spend time in solitary, it was actually before I met him 10 years ago. I am not worried for my safety. At one point in my life I would have been and I was but I have learned a lot about how to keep myself safe. I used to push him too far a lot of the time, I didn't know when to walk away and I didn't know what validation or invalidation was. He has not been violent with me for a very long time. I have also learned a few things that I didn't know before about giving up too much to him, sacrificing myself for something that I didn't really want to be doing. I have had counseling, I do not have it now but I got my money's worth out of it. I am a different person than I used to be and he is too, he's worked on himself for a long time and gotten so much better. I am just disappointed that he has went back to drinking. So far it has not caused any real problems but I know that it is only time before it does.

The space thing is tricky, We do have some time apart, I spend 9 hours a day away from him every day and I do things with my mother on the weekends. I actually feel like we are going too much and would like more time to relax and get things done at home. He has all day while I am work, so he usually wants to get out of the house.

[Cloudy Days]

I got a dose of the old him last night. I mean the jerk who I would come home to drunk and I would have to put up with constant questions, accusations and then he passes out. He mowed a path on our land, something I had been wanting him to do but he got a fire extinguisher stuck in the mower? Come to find out there are like 50 of them on the back of our land, in a trash pile. I guess he saved it from being broken but that sent him into a tizzy and he drank for the rest of the day. Once he passed out I went into the bedroom and watched TV until he woke up and kicked me out of the bedroom. Well he was slinging word vomit at me and I left the room. I ended up sleeping in a spare room on a couch.

He called me on my way to work this morning and apologized. I cried and begged him to never do it again. I feel like everything has gone to ___. Everything that I thought was better has went back to the same way it was before. I would have never bought a house with him if I knew that he was going to slip back into old behaviors. 3 years of not drinking all down the drain. 

[Grey Kitty]

Hang in there... .yes, he is slipping back into old patterns.

But no, that doesn't mean he hasn't learned anything or changed at all. It may be a brief episode this time, you don't know.

And here is what is more important... .you don't have to slip back into the old patterns with him, and I don't think you are.

Wasn't your choice to leave the bedroom when he was verbally vomiting at you better than what you used to do?

That doesn't make it any less hard.   

Do you need a refresher on the tools to help you cope with any specific behaviors that you haven't seen in a while?

[Cloudy Days]

I just don't know how to deal with him drinking like he has. I feel like it is the drinking that is making him so depressed. He has two jobs to do now, mow the lawn and take care of the dogs while I am not home. He's suppose to do the laundry but that is a joke, because he hasn't touched it. He puts off mowing every single day, he waits till the last second to do it or he just doesn't do it at all. He will sleep for 1/2 of the day and two of our dogs will not wait forever to be let out. This royally irritates me as we now own this home. This is not a rental house that I can move away from if it smells like dog pee and the dogs are potty trained they just can't wait forever for him to wake up!

He did decide to stay with his current therapist, she agreed to a smaller fee which really helps us out. I am using the tools, I just don't know how to deal with the drinking. We can't even afford it yet he makes sure he has it. He was awful to me this morning, coming off of a hangover. I went outside and watched the sun come up and cried because I really enjoy our home. I wish he could do the same. I get angry because he claims he hates it so much. I have to go to work every day, spend 9 hours a day away from home and I would love to be there, taking care of my home instead of working and all he does is complain. He can't be happy with what he has. I know that is part of the disorder but I get sick of his list of things he needs to be a happy human being. Because I know he will never be happy. He wanted a guitar, he got one, he wanted two guitars, he got another one, he wanted a really expensive guitar because the other ones weren't good enough, My father passed away and he got one of his (my Dad had a lot of nice guitars) He wanted a truck, he got one, he wanted a stereo in his truck, he got one and wasn't happy with it and kept taking it back over and over and over. It's just exhausting! Any happiness that he gets from something is only temporary and he's on to the next thing that will give him a false sense of happiness. I am so sick of trying to be happy when he is trying to make me miserable and succeeding.   

[Grey Kitty]

 

I think you know the tough answer. You can't change is drinking, and have very little influence over it if you try.

If you think you can do something about it... .and it doesn't work... .you beat yourself up and blame yourself for failing. And that just makes you more miserable.

He may figure out that external things don't make a person happy, except for perhaps a very short lived time, at best. It may take him a lot longer to get there. That he is continuing to go to therapy increases his chances.

What can you do to protect or take care of yourself (and your house) that doesn't depend on him? Can you put in a dog door so the dogs will go outside to pee on their own if he doesn't wake up?

[Cat Familiar]

He can't be happy with what he has. I know that is part of the disorder but I get sick of his list of things he needs to be a happy human being. Because I know he will never be happy. He wanted a guitar, he got one, he wanted two guitars, he got another one, he wanted a really expensive guitar because the other ones weren't good enough, My father passed away and he got one of his (my Dad had a lot of nice guitars) He wanted a truck, he got one, he wanted a stereo in his truck, he got one and wasn't happy with it and kept taking it back over and over and over. It's just exhausting! Any happiness that he gets from something is only temporary and he's on to the next thing that will give him a false sense of happiness. I am so sick of trying to be happy when he is trying to make me miserable and succeeding.   

I'm so sorry about the drinking, Cloudy Days. My husband has a history of drinking and lately he's trying to be moderate, but we'll see how long that lasts.

And he's very similar with wanting things and then when he gets them, they're meaningless.

It's trying to fill the hole in his very being with objects and nothing he wants will ever be able to do that.

I've made the mistake about criticizing the drinking (which he takes as criticism of his entire existence) and at times I've asked him why. He has said that alcohol has been a friend to him when no one else is there for him. So very sad.

What I've heard is that emotional intimacy is the cure for addictions, but it's so hard, as the partner of an addict to be there for them when they're being an ass. And I honor myself by having boundaries against being verbally abused.

My latest strategy is to be very warm and loving when he's sober and to pull away when he drinks excessively.

I wish you luck and I totally understand your quandary.

[Cloudy Days]

What can you do to protect or take care of yourself (and your house) that doesn't depend on him? Can you put in a dog door so the dogs will go outside to pee on their own if he doesn't wake up?

I want to actually learn to mow on my own, It is "His" mower though so I cannot just jump on and take off. He would also feel like I am overstepping his manhood if I did something like that. The doggy door is going to happen, just have to get more money. We have a sliding glass door we are going to replace and I know the exact door I want, just have to get some extra money.

I do have things to bring me up though. I have my puppies, one in particular I call her my sunshine, I loved on her this morning for a long time, she always puts me in a good mood. I usually love music but 1/2 of my music is love songs, I am finding that they make me sick now. What is this love they talk about? it is not my love. 

What I've heard is that emotional intimacy is the cure for addictions, but it's so hard, as the partner of an addict to be there for them when they're being an ass. And I honor myself by having boundaries against being verbally abused.

My latest strategy is to be very warm and loving when he's sober and to pull away when he drinks excessively.

I struggle with being warm when he is very depressed and doom and gloom, especially when I don't understand it. I Validate when I can. He told me yesterday he feels trapped, like in a cell type trapped. He told me that before when we lived elsewhere, and I understood because he could not go outside without seeing another human being and it was not a good neighborhood, so he would stay inside at all times. Now we live in small town America and he has space all around. Yet he still feels trapped. I know now that it is because of him and not his environment.

He did call and apologize to me for being an ass this morning. I am finding the apologies having less weight than they used to as he apologizes for the same things over and over. I know others don't get any apology at all though. I just know when he apologizes for something it won't be the last time and that is very depressing.

[Cat Familiar]

I struggle with being warm when he is very depressed and doom and gloom, especially when I don't understand it. I Validate when I can. He told me yesterday he feels trapped, like in a cell type trapped. He told me that before when we lived elsewhere, and I understood because he could not go outside without seeing another human being and it was not a good neighborhood, so he would stay inside at all times. Now we live in small town America and he has space all around. Yet he still feels trapped. I know now that it is because of him and not his environment.

He did call and apologize to me for being an ass this morning. I am finding the apologies having less weight than they used to as he apologizes for the same things over and over. I know others don't get any apology at all though. I just know when he apologizes for something it won't be the last time and that is very depressing.

You know with these pwBPD, that when they get in those "moods", nothing will make them happy. I see you trying to be compassionate and understanding of something which makes no sense (well it makes some sort of nonsense sense to him). He's always gonna find something to complain about until he confronts his own demons and with BPD, there's often not a whole lot of self-reflection going on because it's just too painful.

So take care of yourself, enjoy your dogs (and he's probably jealous of them) and just do what makes you happy. If you want to mow, go online and watch a YouTube video of your mower and learn how to do it. If you don't have flat land, be very careful of flipping the mower, but there's no big mystery in operating these things.

Don't try following him down the rabbit hole (and I speak from experience), take care of yourself and be happy. Happiness can be contagious too.   

[Grey Kitty]

The more you do to take care of yourself, so you can be happy or content independent of what he does, the better you will be... .and the better you will be able to cope with him, and you will actually give him more room to improve as well.

If you don't let him shut down what you enjoy, like your dogs, or the nice about the new house, you will have more energy to spare when he does act like a jerk, you will find it easier to not take it personally... .or even not take an insincere apology personally.

[Cloudy Days]

If you don't let him shut down what you enjoy, like your dogs, or the nice about the new house, you will have more energy to spare when he does act like a jerk, you will find it easier to not take it personally... .or even not take an insincere apology personally.

I have been trying to decorate and make it home. I love that part of things a clean slate to do whatever I wish. His spending habbits tend to make me put things off because I want to buy stuff. I have also been very tierd lately. I have a habbit of not going to sleep early enough and I have to get up at the crack of dawn. So I know it leaves me unprepared for whatever he's throwing at me. But anyways, His apology's are sincere, I know he truly means them when he says them. I think that is what makes it hard, with BPD he can totally mean something when he says it but I know he's going to turn around and do it again when his mood changes.

We had a good night last night, His brother is coming into town today for 11 days. I pray this goes well! Last time we saw him we were having dinner at Disneyland (The not so happiest place on earth... .) and the two got into a fight and we went home from our Vacation 3 days early. I have seen them get along beautifully though, so keeping my fingers crossed and saying a little prayer.

[Cloudy Days]

Well, his brother is in town, and it was going pretty good up until today. He and my nephew were suppose to stay the night with us tonight, they may still but not with how my husband is acting. He is doom and gloom and I hate everyone and everything. Telling me to sell our home (like it is really and option  ) He does this every time his brother comes out, he acts like he has to spend every day with him or he is just an ass that doesn't give a crap about him. Now he is saying they aren't welcome to come over, and he is threatening divorce, telling me he hates me and saying he is going to go get a bottle of booze. I hate this, I seriously hate this! I am beginning to hate him and his actions.

Last night he was pulling this crap and instead of dwelling on what he was doing (which was storming off into another room) I went and did some drawing and was truly enjoying myself. He soon comes in and asks what I am doing and requests that I help him do something, not saying anything about what it was he stormed off for. Then moved on to something else he wanted me to help him do. So much for me doing my own thing.

I really just don't know how to deal with it. I want to see my nephew and now I can't. It's just like our Vacation to see them. We left several days early, the last time I saw my nephew he was being dragged off by an angry father because of them getting into an argument. Now there will be no goodbye again. I am just so sick of things being ruined, I have stopped looking forward to things and just dread them instead because I know how crappy they are going to be. No expectations means nothing can be ruined. I screwed up and had expectations for this, then as usual they get yanked out from under my feet. Just feeling really down today. I have noticed a shift in myself, that I don't care as much about my husband. I think it is showing, I just don't have the energy anymore to deal with him and his constant drama. Every time we have seen my nephew there was something that had to be tweaked for my husband to be happy. I feel like I am snapping. Not like violent but I certainly don't give a crap about a lot now a days. Nothing gets easier, nothing gets better, it all just stays the same. Same people, new problems, new dramas, new heartaches. 

[Ceruleanblue]

I read in a book recently that the one who cares least about a relationship is the one who has the most control in the relationship. I've always felt that to be true. I'd bet your husband feels your regard slipping, and is desperate to get it back, and feel back in control. I personally think pwBPD need large amounts of control in order to make themselves feel better. They have huge issues controlling their own emotions, and seem to take comfort in controlling their environment, that is until they need a drama fix. They seem to feed off that too and times. That is just MY take on it.

Why BPDh thinks I don't care, or seem to be doing fine doing my own thing, he then tries to connect, I don't think because HE needs it, but I think because he knows I do, and he fears he's losing me, and my love. It's just sad that he can't just enjoy a truly close connection in the way most of us do. One that involves sharing thoughts and feelings, and shared hopes and dreams. For BPDh, it's all about activities, and sex, and me being his puppet. Our MC sort of wants to make that into gender differences, but I was married before for 18 years, and have been in relationships after that, and this is NOT just gender differences.

When your husband comes and interrupts you doing an activity you enjoy, can you set a boundary around that? It's good to bend and accommodate our partners, but it seems like maybe he's just trying to control? If it's not something urgent, could you tell him you'd be happy to help him after you get to a certain point in your project? Can you think of any other way to set a boundary around it?